To be offended by this comment?

[fingerlickinbadness]

I'm 28, one daughter who is 7 years old and am single through choice. I have had relationships since I was 16 and they've all consisted of arguments and left me heartbroken and hurt trying to pick up the pieces. I like being single, I feel empowered being independent, I feel proud of the life I have with my daughter and my home is my sanctuary that I don't want to share with anyone other than my daughter. I realise I may not always feel like this but for now, I do.

My best friend has a husband, two children and is very family orientated - which is great because that's what makes her happy. However, she will always say comments such as, 'I know you enjoy being single but when will you start dating again?' 'I know you're happy being single but don't you miss sex?' 'I couldn't live alone like you, I would be miserable and so lonely'. etc. So I've always gotten the feeling she feels a bit sorry for me and thinks I'm putting on some act pretending I'm okay with being single.

Anyways yesterday we were at the park with the kids and she was talking about how her aunt has met someone at 60, and I said that's great! My friend replied, 'yeah I'm so relieved for her, I mean what a miserable way to live your life, single most of your days'.

I instantly felt offended, not just for me but for every other single person, as if the fact she has a partner makes her life not automatically not miserable - and let's just say she has been at my house in tears over the past five years 100 times more than she's ever seen me crying.

AIBU to be offended by this comment or am I being overly sensitive?

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Why would you be offended? She is saying that she would find it miserable, and a lot of people would feel that way too. It's not anything to do with you and your life. Is she offended when you say how great you think it is to be single?

Also, if you're that offended, it suggests you're not quite as secure in your choices as you say. If you were, you wouldn't be so bothered.

The assumption that single life is inferior & strange can certainly be considered offensive. Notice the OP isn't trying to convince the friend that her choice of being married is wrong or encouraging her to get divorced.

I've done the married thing, I call it aversion therapy . I do realise not every available man is likely to be such a twit as the ex, indeed some are lovely, but that doesn't mean living with them would be a good idea. I just can't imagine meeting anyone amazing enough to be worth giving up my independence for.

I think some people have a very specific way they think their life should be, and genuinely can’t fathom that others don’t also live by that exact blueprint. It sounds like being in a relationship is a very important part of her life - and it absolutely is when you love your partner and can’t imagine life without them, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone else.

Yanbu. If you were my friend, I would be very proud of you for choosing to focus on yourself and your dd. And also for recognizing that you want to prioritize being independent and a great role model for your dd.
Your friend otoh is incredibly insecure and trying to bring you down with her own issues. I would speak to her about it.

Actually this post has reminded me of a friend who i haven't seen much off due to restrictions but she is the opposite.
I've been married for 30 odd years , two kids nothing extraordinary, just ticking along nicely.
My friend has had two marriages and has been divorced and consequently single for 18 years.
She keeps banging on about how she couldn't be doing with a bloke, likes her independence too much, can't understand why people want to live together and so on.
She has been told to change the record a few times!!!

@fingerlickinbadness

YANBU, she sounds like a right cow.

I have been with DH for over 30 years, and got married in my mid 20s, and have not been single since I was 21, (I am 53 now.) and am not sure how I would cope with being alone.. And I love being in a relationship.

However, I don't look at my widowed neighbour, and the lass across the road with 2 kids (under 8 and 10) - who has been single for 3 years - and think 'awww what a shame, how sad ... .' I don't think anything of it.

I think the reason why I don't judge, is because I never had a 'steady' boyfriend until I was 21! (None that went past 3-4 weeks of dating anyway!) and almost everyone I knew... my parents, the neighbours, extended family, work colleagues, and even some friends, nagged and nagged and head-tilted, and 'awwwed' and sighed, because I was still 'on the shelf' at '21!'

When I met my now DH at 21, and went past 3-4 months of dating, there was a collective sigh of relief from most people I knew, as if it was a major achievement to be in a relationship. Then within 5-6 months, I kept getting 'when's the big day then?' comments (We didn't get married for 4 years by the way...)

I come from a generation, and a background where a woman's ultimate aim was to find a husband, and have children, and you were treated like a freak if you didn't fall into line.

*Sorry, my single neighbour has 2 kids aged 8 and 10. ^

She needs to think before she speaks

I wouldn't feel offended about her giving her opinion on her aunts life.
Nor would I feel offended by her voicing her opinions on being single.

If you find it offensive tell her ? She may not realise it's offending you.

People used to ask my mum all the time why she didn't want to meet anyone else after my father or did she want "setting up", they always assumed she would be "lonely" on her own of a night, it was quite the opposite, she loved her own space with no one else to consider. They meant well, but Just didn't get it.

I'm a single mum and like you I've never been happier. I have NO interest in having a man in my life, I miss nothing about being in a relationship. But try telling people that and they think I'm lying. because for others I MUST have a man lest I be miserable forever more. Which is offensive as fuck, like I'm such a massive loser that they're sad at the thought of me being in my own company. Even more offensive when they try and set me up with their ugly mates. No thanks!

I just say that all they have to do is hear about other people's problems in their marriage, or look on MN or Facebook group threads about the shit way men treat women. It genuinely baffles me, when I look in AIBU and on relationships board, that people feel sorry for me for being single.

I feel far more sorry for people who are co-dependant on another human. I'd hate to need somebody who isn't me (the children being the exception of course).

Single 19 years it was me and dd for most of them too op.

I agree with many pps she is being offensive and patronising.

I had this a lot from certain people too when I was younger, (split from ex in early 30's) especially my mother (who is in a deeply abusive relationship!) but also a few friends etc who seemed incapable of understanding I was perfectly happy for the most part (I say the most part as I do have mh issues but it's NOTHING to do with being single, they go back to childhood)

I am not a nun, I have had dates and fwb arrangements when they have suited me but as a pp said it would have to be someone bloody incredible to make me give up my independence.

Some I tuned out, some (the worst offenders as it were) I had stern words with and told them to pack it the fuck in!

One particularly heated conversation was had with my mother as I was approaching my 40th and she was all "you won't get a man now" and "you're gonna be very lonely when you're old" because she was in her 60's by this point and she has a very miserable life with dad, she's barely allowed to move without permission! Fuck that!

I pointed out that I'd much rather be single than in her position!

There are many ways to be happy that don't involve being in a committed relationship or monogamous or whatever

Everyone is different

I'd speak to her again but be firm and assertive and tell her it's unacceptable for her to comment and criticise your choice just because it wouldn't be hers, that you don't criticise her choice just because it wouldn't be yours and she should as your friend be respectful and not bug you about this.

If it still doesn't get through tell her to fucking pack it in!

I don't believe it's "natural" at all to be in a long monogamous relationship, there's loads of evidence to the contrary. Much of what we THINK to be true about marriage and relationships comes from ancient, controlling men! Who were not faithful! As a means of controlling women's sexuality, primarily so they could feel they had certainty about whether the children she bore were genetically his and that his wealth was only passed on to his blood.

It's ridiculously outdated!

How many marriages last 30/40/50 years and are genuinely still happy? Not many! I certainly know very few, yes there are more that remain married but I know more unhappy marriages of that length than happy ones, people fear change, plus social indoctrination and people currently who will have been married 30 years plus will still to some extent have been raised with societal stigma attached to divorcing and the women in many cases are financially disadvantaged too.

I think we will see in future generations people being married for shorter and shorter periods of time as the stigma of divorce diminishes

Plus of course cohabiting couples are more likely to split and aren't included in stats looking at how long marriages last.

I've just tried to find combined stats on how many relationships - married and cohabiting - last 30 years plus and can't find anything if anyone else on thread can that'd be interesting.

Given your likely ages op how long has she been married? Statistically I think it's fairly likely she will end up single at some point.

She sounds a bit dim.

"Yes, that is offensive" followed by endless offensive posts. typical aibu bollocks.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

"Yes, that is offensive" followed by endless offensive posts. typical aibu bollocks.

WTF are you ranting on about?

I’d take offence too, OP. It’s quite clear that she’s insinuating you are not happy as you are. Maybe she truly is her opinion, but I wouldn’t rise to it. Next time something similar props up in conversation I’d just say ‘People are different at the end of the day. I hope X finds happiness, I know I have”. Then I’d change the subject. If that doesn’t work I’d be more direct and tell her to stop trying to change my life. If that also doesn’t stop her, I’d personally be done with friendship.

as if the fact she has a partner makes her life not automatically not miserable - and let's just say she has been at my house in tears over the past five years 100 times more than she's ever seen me crying.

Well you answered your own question, she thinks being single is the worst thing ever and is happy to suffer through shitty relationships as to never be single. The questions are; is she truly happy in her situation or not? Or is she just staying with him whilst being mugged off to avoid the stigma of being single/having a failed relationship?

Well studies show that women are significantly better off, mentally, monetarily and physically without a man. Perhaps start sending news clippings to her if she won't give over.

Get over it. If you like single life - and I do - just enjoy it. If you must, you can point out the many, many benefits you enjoy, which, imo, far outweigh having to share every inch of your life with a live in partner. The thought of having to accommodate someone else in all respects makes me shudder. Some people are reluctant to believe you can be happy alone. So what? Let them get on with it.

She sounds an insensitive pain in the arse. Just tell her to knock it on the head next time, as you can’t imagine anything worse than being in a relationship which makes you unhappy.

I am in the same situation as you OP and am very happy single.

If someone had said that to me I would have said something along the lines of not judging other people by your own preconceptions. My mother has said similar things. He sister was widowed in her 50s and all my Mum could go on about was how she would now be alone for ever and how sad it was. My aunt has actually stayed happily single (she's now in her 70's). She has a very full life with friends and hobbies and baby sitting her grand children.

On the other hand an awful lot of people in long term relationships where there children have left seemed to be filled with resentment and seem barely able to to tolerate their other half. My Mum in particular can't say a nice word to my Dad and seems to struggle to be in the same room as him and I always think that surely she would be happier on her own that living with someone she can't stand.

Do you really think she believes that you're unhappy or does she just not want to admit that "her" way (the status quo) is not the only way to live. I'm sure there are times when she really is envious of your lifestyle choice too

YANBU - it sounds like she has never really experienced being single. While I am married and very happy I spent most of my 20’s single and I loved it (obviously some parts more than others just like now). I wouldn’t take offence as such but would challenge her opinion as being out of balance.

My friend does seem to overall, be happy in her relationship. However, he goes out to work, she stays at home, cleans the house, makes his lunches, cooks the dinner. She has to ask him permission to do things, for instance, 'fancy coming over for a glass of wine on Saturday?' (Pre Covid) 'oh I'll need to check with husband'. She can't have a drink unless he is also having a drink with her. He seems to come and go freely without having to ask her opinion, ie, always at the football, his mates, lying in bed till late on the weekend. She is completely financially dependent on him and he pays her an allowance each week yet she brags about her money.

There's been times when I've been at her house and she's been panicking as she hasn't managed to get all the chorus done and he's due home soon and so I've had to help her so he won't come in and moan. There's been lots of times when she's appeared on my doorstep crying because they've fallen out. It's certainly not the way I would choose to live but she seems happy the majority of the time and I would never try and put her down because of that.

Of course there's been times where I have asked her if she is happy due to what I mentioned above, just in a friendly way as in I'm always here if she needs to vent. But she assures me she is and so I don't bring it up again. She doesn't do me the same courtesy though.

I think that's what gets my back up the most, how she has that sort of relationship and still feels superior to me purely based on my relationship status.

Hmm cognitive dissonance on her part? Denial?

Cos honestly it sounds like she's in an abusive relationship - emotional and financial control.

Her children still quite young?

While I sympathise with her situation it doesn't excuse her behaviour towards you

Maybe say something like "I am very happy being single, maybe you would be too?"