To be offended by this comment?

[fingerlickinbadness]

I'm 28, one daughter who is 7 years old and am single through choice. I have had relationships since I was 16 and they've all consisted of arguments and left me heartbroken and hurt trying to pick up the pieces. I like being single, I feel empowered being independent, I feel proud of the life I have with my daughter and my home is my sanctuary that I don't want to share with anyone other than my daughter. I realise I may not always feel like this but for now, I do.

My best friend has a husband, two children and is very family orientated - which is great because that's what makes her happy. However, she will always say comments such as, 'I know you enjoy being single but when will you start dating again?' 'I know you're happy being single but don't you miss sex?' 'I couldn't live alone like you, I would be miserable and so lonely'. etc. So I've always gotten the feeling she feels a bit sorry for me and thinks I'm putting on some act pretending I'm okay with being single.

Anyways yesterday we were at the park with the kids and she was talking about how her aunt has met someone at 60, and I said that's great! My friend replied, 'yeah I'm so relieved for her, I mean what a miserable way to live your life, single most of your days'.

I instantly felt offended, not just for me but for every other single person, as if the fact she has a partner makes her life not automatically not miserable - and let's just say she has been at my house in tears over the past five years 100 times more than she's ever seen me crying.

AIBU to be offended by this comment or am I being overly sensitive?

Humans are hardwired for companionship, so yes, it is very much the norm as a species.

Some humans are and companionship does not have to mean being in a relationship.

@Lockandtees well I've had three relationships since I was 16, all of which lasted around 3 years, all of which were shit and I got very hurt. After the last one I decided I was happier alone than in any of my previous relationships. I realise I'm young and have not written off relationships completely, I said that in my OP. I realise I may not always feel like this but at the moment, I do.

Being single doesn't mean not having sex. What century is she living in.

It seems she finds it impossible to understand your point of view as hers is so different. She just can't imagine anyone being happy and not in a relationship. I don't think you'll probably change her mind but every time she makes a comment like that you could just remind her that you really like being single and who knows it might sink in after a while.
Perhaps also remember that if/when you find someone amazing rather then the bunch of horrible people you were in relationships with before, you never know, you might end up changing your mind too. x

As human beings we are intended to have companionship which is why so many people seek it, and even seek to start dating again for instance when relationships break down.

While I don’t think that choosing to be alone is “desperately sad” I do think that it is the norm that people would be wondering if/when you were going to meet someone, and actually I do think that spending your entire life alone (you’re only in your 30’s now so we’re talking the next 50 years,) is slightly sad especially because the reason you’ve decided to be alone is because of failed relationships rather than the fact that you just don’t want to be with anyone right now.

Be honest, are you open to the idea of ever having another relationship? There is a difference between being alone and being happy with that, and rejecting all relationships because of it. IMO.

If I split up with my DP I certainly wouldn’t be on the lookout for another man, but you can never say never, and who knows, I could meet someone one day and I would like to hope that I wouldn’t be entirely closed to the idea. Iyswim.

YAN U. I find people who can only measure their own worth in terms of a relationship with another person very tedious. Your friend sounds obsessed. Does she really think that most people share her obsession of judging people as being inferior for not being in a relationship? Maybe she's never properly learned how to be independent.

Yeah I'd tell her to wind it in tbh.

Xposts OP. Yes, if you’re just happy at the moment and not looking then she’s being ridiculous.

She sounds like someone whose own self worth is so bound up in being in a relationship that she can't imagine it being okay to live any other way.

So, so many women need a man to valid their existence and couldn't countenance the idea of being single by choice. She is one of them. If she's a good friend and relatively bright, I'd try and explain it to her and tell her you find her comments patronising and irritating. Hopefully she'll reflect on her views.

If she starts down this line of thinking again OP I would be very tempted to mention just how many marriages end in divorce, ask her if she is financially independent because you just never know when she will be dumped, remind her of how many nice men have affairs and people always say about those men "He was just not the type" until he was the type. But then again I am an awful person.

You have my sympathy OP, my sister rang to tell me that I was being "left behind" when my 17 year old niece became pregnant, I was 36 at the time and infertile, I haven't told family that because they are toxic and personal info is used as a weapon. She was crowing about a teenager being pregnant, not yet finished school, no job and no money as if it was the best thing ever because it was something to bait me with.

As human beings we are intended to have companionship which is why so many people seek it, and even seek to start dating again for instance when relationships break down.

Is it human nature or societal pressure/expectation though? I bet the latter has much more influence than you'd think!

Not being in a couple does not equal "being alone" though, or a lack of companionship. This is the 21st century. You can have casual sex, friends with benefits, close friendships, shared hobbies and holidays with the opposite or same sex. You can pay someone to do the aspects of domestic life you can't or don't want to do, whether that's DIY, cleaning, ironing, cooking. Many of my friends, still married to their uni boyfriends are quite envious of my situation now (though the single parent bit is hard) but I get time completely alone when kids are with the ex and I see my partner as and when we want to see each other, doing fun stuff, not domestic chores. Before I met him, I used my kid free time to see friends, go on dates (no issues with OLD - was fun). We are social animals for the most part but that does not exclusively mean monogamous couples - in fact from an evolutionary point of view, monogamy is not a great option but we've imposed it for social / legal / financial reasons.

Just accept, that some people say these kind of things, and feel sorry for her having a one track view of things in life.

No I wouldn't be offended but I'd be bored at the same point she keeps on making and would have told her a long time ago to STFU!

@AtSwimTwoBerts

She's a dick, she's got issues, she's weak...WTF? She's just your average person who likes being in a couple...like the majority of humans. Usual AIBU nasty bollocks.

There’s a mile of difference between being happy with your lot and wanging on about it which is what OP’s friend is doing. She’s a smug married, and insensitive/ insecure to boot.

Could she be projecting? People who tend to try and pair up their single friends are usually unhappy in their relationships and want to live vicariously through someone else.

She sounds like a smug married!

I doubt her life is perfect with her DH. Maybe you being single unsettles her. She sounds pretty narrow minded to be honest.

Jesus I feel sorry for people like your friend who only think you can have a happy and full life unless you are married with kids . Didn’t that attitude go out with the ark ? Of course we all want someone to spend our life with , but god there is much more to my life besides being a wife and a mum .

YANBU. I'd pity her tbh. You sound really sensible and self aware and are happy in yourself rather than lurching from one bad relationship to the next and desperately clinging onto a man for status/self esteem issues etc, which is what she sounds she would do.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

She's a dick, she's got issues, she's weak...WTF? She's just your average person who likes being in a couple...like the majority of humans. Usual AIBU nasty bollocks.

It isn’t just that she likes being in a couple though, is it. She’s making disparaging comments about the OP’s lifestyle and insinuating it’s a sad and miserable way to live. That’s nasty bollocks! If she was saying ‘I love my family and they make me really happy’, I don’t think OP or anyone else would have a problem. But she isn’t. She’s being negative in order to big up her preferred way of living.

Sounds like shes trying to validate her own choices. Honestly I would work hard to make sure it is not discussed at all. The fact that it keeps being brought up screams of insecurity.

I'd just tell her straight up to either pack in with that shit or fuck off.

That is NOT how you speak to friends.

Cheeky cow.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

She's a dick, she's got issues, she's weak...WTF? She's just your average person who likes being in a couple...like the majority of humans. Usual AIBU nasty bollocks.

Ok, but why make comments like that in front of a single friend?

YANBU. Some people simply cannot fathom being single and assume that life would be awful. It's not. It might be if it was them, but they assume everyone is like them.