Something my FIL says (ED related)

[BrilliantBetty]

I have two young DDs. Eldest is 6 and questioning everything, remembers little things and can be quite serious / thoughtful.

Every time we celebrate a birthday and there's cake, or Christmas and there's chocolate etc. My FIL will make a comment like 'we can eat this piece of cake because we've had a long walk and used up lots of energy'. Or 'yes I'll have a couple of biscuits with my tea, I did run 15k yesterday', 'we shouldn't really be eating this, we'll need to do some exercise'. He is quite fitness obsessed which is great for him but I don't like the repeated comments to my DDs about being able to eat something because of such & such.

My DD(6) has picked up on it.
She's not overweight, none of us are. I am worrying that these comments, while not exactly wrong, could manifest and be some sort of contributing factor to eating disorder later on. I lost a very close friend quite a while ago to anorexia and from threads on here I see that it's not such an uncommon thing.

Anyway AIBU to feel these comments are not good.

So many people in this thread seem to have disordered eating. Yes childhood obesity is dangerous, but so is the mindset “I can’t eat chocolate unless I’ve burned x number of calories.” Please don’t mention calories around your DC. Anorexia and orthorexia are ugly evil horrific diseases.

I agree LaceyBetty, it really is overthinking it to the nth degree. I doubt anyone would end up with an eating disorder due to grandad mentioning the connection between fuel in and fuel used unless they spent most meals with them.

For those of you who haven't figured it out yet, ED in this thread stands for Eating Disorder and not Erectile Dysfunction.

Yes, I think we all got that after reading the OP. However OP is being very unreasonable using incorrect terms as most have expected a horrifying story about being subjected to FIL’s tales of erectile dysfunction. In medical terms ED=erectile dysfunction. An eating disorder would be termed according to which eating disorder it is and if it didn’t fit a box then the correct acronym would be EDNOS=eating disorder not otherwise specified. ED for eating disorder is only used by non-medical advocacy groups such as Butterfly although no idea why they can’t use correct terminology.

@BrilliantBetty so sad about your friend. Sadly, that’s the type of behaviour my SIL encourages with her children. It’s a huge worry.

@HoppingPavlova apologies for the confusion. I am clearly not an expert. Will use the correct terminology in future.

I read ED as eating disorder and understood that straight away 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway OP, with all due respect, I think you’re being U. It is the right message actually - that what we put in will have a negative impact if we eat too much of it! Maybe he’s saying it too much - but your dd is more likely to learn about food from your home habits tbh.

Yes, someone could develop disordered eating habits from listening to a close relative constantly talking about how certain foods are bad and must be "burned off" as soon as they're consumed. Especially if, as OP says, he is also talking about weight and getting fat. It might not lead to full-blown anorexia or bulimia but it could still lead to a lifetime of a miserable relationship with food. Can people not see that there's a middle ground to be had here? It's not either make your kids feel guilty for eating a biscuit or end up with obese kids.

And if course, you can counterbalance what he says going into more detail.

Explain that exercise is very important and that of course you can eat treats without having to exercise right after or before but that as long as you are active regularly and you don't have too many treats, she will be just fine.

I speak to dc about eating in moderation, eating fattening food and exercising etc. I think it’s better they grow up with balance and realise there’s a consequence to eating 2 slices of cake, all the biscuits, loads of chocolates etc. I’m very lucky they all eat a fair amount of fruit and veg but if I don’t stop them, they’d easily eat a whole packet of biscuits 3 times a day and nothing else! Especially during lockdown when they’ve been bored and snacking more.

Blimey, I just say oy stop it, we've got dinner/you've had dinner/they'll be none left.

Do they really need to be reminded constantly that all food needs to be exercised off? I do know women who approach food and exercise like that and i really don't think its a happy way to be.

Honestly OP I struggle with this a lot.

Like you I had a close friend battle severe anorexia as a teen (and also understood ED as meaning eating disorder FWIW) and it has coloured my thinking about what I want to teach my dd about food. I feel very lucky that for whatever reason I have no disordered attitude to food, and I'm not entirely sure why. I've never really dieted, I don't think of 'good' food or 'bad' food. I've always assumed part of the reason I never had a weight problem was I never dieted and just responded intuitively to my own hunger so hoped I could pass that attitude on. I also sort of thought I could just model a fairly healthy attitude of, food is fuel and we're also lucky it tastes nice, but some food does great things for our immune system as well as tasting nice and some food only tastes nice so we should focus on the healthier food all the time and the other food as 'sometime' food.

In reality, I have a two year old who has barely had any junk food in her life but is never full and is currently hitting an 'obese' BMI. Most medical professionals, including a dietitian we're seeing because of allergies, seem to think its not an issue I think largely because she's really not eating any junk but her father, who is now overweight but has been obese says he has never felt full in his life and has to consciously stop eating. Against that backdrop, I don't know what kind of messaging I should be conveying to her.

At the moment, we obviously don't talk to her about any of this stuff apart from to try to encourage her that she doesn't always have to eat everything and that she can stop if she doesn't like something /isn't hungry. I think having seen the devastation an eating disorder can bring that was my primary focus but childhood obesity is also a huge issue and I'm not sure I have a good handle on how to balance the two. I agree disordered eating plays a part in both. I don't think the messaging that there's a relationship between calories consumed and calories burnt is necessarily a bad one and I don't think hearing that occasionally from a grandfather will have too much affect once your daughter knows she's loved. Wider messages from society about ideal body types are likely to be more of an issue.

But its really difficult.

I really don't think the message should be that you have to earn food. It's not a reward. In itself, that's quite an unhealthy message and reinforces the idea that food is for comfort, not for fuel.

Exercise should be something we (usually) enjoy, not something we do out of a grim sense of duty, or to punish our bodies/ourselves if we eat a slice of cake.

I don’t find it an issue - my in laws say stuff to me sometimes but they sort of mean it in a good way. I think your fil is clumsily trying to educate your daughter. It’s up to you to drive home whatever message you want to her as she spends most of her time with you. Actually developing an eating disorder is much much more complicated than your grandfather commenting that you can have a slice of cake after a run.

Grandad’s comments smack of disordered eating. Making children worry that if they eat a piece of birthday cake or a chocolate bar at Christmas means they have to exercise it off is all sorts of wrong. I wouldn’t say anything to your six year old or Grandad because I’m sure you’re modelling normal eating in your own home so she’s seeing a good example daily. If your child asks what he’s going on about I’d just say older people have to be careful with what they eat because they might get sick more easily than a young person if they don’t.

Yanbu. Being a couch potato and and eating too many sugary treats is obviously not a good thing, but neither is convincing yourself out loud that you have to “pay” for every treat with a specific exercise session. Sounds like he has a guilt issue around food.
My dc picked up on this with a family member too, though that person was a bit more obsessive than your FIL. We talked about it, I said I thought their way of thinking wasn’t healthy, and that if you eat a generally good diet and exercise enough there’s no need to feel guilty about treats / count calories / feel that you need to “run off” a treat.
There are people in the extended family with eating disorders and I’m very aware of the dangers of making food too much of an issue.

YANBU. Food is great. Exercise is great. One should not be a reward or punishment for the other

^This. I'd say that encouraging kids to think of food as something that is an indulgence/treat that needs to be compensated for is actually more likely to lead them to have a bad, guilty relationship with food and a tendency to overeat and then go to the other extreme, rather than making them eat healthy food they enjoy and do exercise because it's fun.

@mynameiscalypso

YANBU. Food is great. Exercise is great. One should not be a reward or punishment for the other. They should both be enjoyed. It's a difficult situation because plenty of people make similar comments but I'm trying to make sure that I always present a neutral view ('you can have a slice of cake because it's delicious!') and just hope that's the bit that sticks. My DS is a bit younger than your DD though so I can imagine I might get more forceful as he gets older. Another reason for my PIL to dislike me I suppose but it's worth it for my DS.

I think I there has to be a balance. Saying 'yes you can have a piece of cake because it's delicious' is fine but what happens when someone wants two pieces of cake, or three. The cake is still delicious. But eating two or three pieces is (probably) not sensible!

I don't like to see food as a reward, but I do think children need to be taught to eat healthily - both in terms of what they eat and how much - and to be encouraged to be active.

I wouldn't like it.

I don't use words like 'earning' and 'deserving' around food. It sets up pathways to conflicts in their minds which don't need to be there IMO.

In fact i'd find it really fucking annoying now i think hard about it!

I think I there has to be a balance. Saying 'yes you can have a piece of cake because it's delicious' is fine but what happens when someone wants two pieces of cake, or three. The cake is still delicious. But eating two or three pieces is (probably) not sensible!

So unless the OP's dc is regularly asking for multiple slices of cake etc, there is no reason to be mentioning it then. Besides, it's perfectly possible to refuse your dc excessive cake etc without getting into ideas of deserving/not deserving food or working it off.

YANBU. Does he do it to males too or just females?

My kids know that the more active they are, the more food or “energy” they need to put in. It’s not just about biscuits and cake but about portions in general.

If they’ve not moved from their bedroom all day then eating the same amount as they would when they’ve walked to school, done PE, done an after school sport and walked home would be unreasonable.