Something my FIL says (ED related)

[BrilliantBetty]

I have two young DDs. Eldest is 6 and questioning everything, remembers little things and can be quite serious / thoughtful.

Every time we celebrate a birthday and there's cake, or Christmas and there's chocolate etc. My FIL will make a comment like 'we can eat this piece of cake because we've had a long walk and used up lots of energy'. Or 'yes I'll have a couple of biscuits with my tea, I did run 15k yesterday', 'we shouldn't really be eating this, we'll need to do some exercise'. He is quite fitness obsessed which is great for him but I don't like the repeated comments to my DDs about being able to eat something because of such & such.

My DD(6) has picked up on it.
She's not overweight, none of us are. I am worrying that these comments, while not exactly wrong, could manifest and be some sort of contributing factor to eating disorder later on. I lost a very close friend quite a while ago to anorexia and from threads on here I see that it's not such an uncommon thing.

Anyway AIBU to feel these comments are not good.

I’d have a word with him and tell him to stop. There’s no need to link food to exercise and weight in front of children.

I wouldn't be worried about an ED per say but I wouldn't like it, I don't think it promotes a healthy attitude to food if you constantly link it to having to work physically to burn it off. That suggests you should feel some guilt for eating something 'bad' or that you can be rewarded for having worked hard. If you eat things like cake in moderation, it doesn't matter whether you have run 15k. It's a healthy, balanced diet and regular exercise that make for healthy individuals.

My brother had an ED and I don't have a great relationship with food due to my childhood experiences, so I am likely a bit over sensitive with things like this. I have a (baby) DD and it is one of my biggest priorities to do my very best to help her have a healthy relationship with food.

For those of you who haven't figured it out yet, ED in this thread stands for Eating Disorder and not Erectile Dysfunction.

I think it's a healthy message and it's important for kids to understand the connection between calories in and calories out. And, in fact, every single slim person I know thinks and talks this way.

@Hopdathelf

Took me two reads to work out what all this was to do with erectile dysfunction.

Me too 😂😂

Another one who was waiting for the FiL to say something about brewers droop.

OP, I don't see there's anything wrong with what he's saying. It would be different if he was deliberately targeting your DC by saying 'no, you're too fat already'. He's just saying it's ok to have something indulgent if you also are healthy & active. That's a positive message surely?

I never speak about food like that in front of my Dds and would encourage others not to
If they wouldn’t I would minimise to my DDs and perhaps limit contact

@SushiYum This isn't true, many children are not active or enjoy playing. My DS is, and I actively encourage it and limit screen and consoles time because I have seen far too many children of friends or acquaintances who ONLY play games consoles/watch YouTube and are quite frankly overweight. Even those who aren't overweight, they have become accustomed to being idle, therefore are likely to continue this as adults. Children need to be made aware early on to prevent the obesity problem we have

@SackofTurtles it's probably not the phrase I quoted to my child, but the word 'burning' calories also wasn't helpful.
Basically he understands the general concept that if you eat more calories than you lose through exercise, you become 'unhealthy' (rather than fat)

I don't think its a healthy attitude - The women I know who are like, 'ooh cake, I'll have to run tmrw' are the ones with eating disorders in the past.
Just stop going on - its a cake.

Meh, you’re with her more, you can balance it, but on the whole his message is a healthy one.

[quote ohhhhitsme]@SushiYum This isn't true, many children are not active or enjoy playing. My DS is, and I actively encourage it and limit screen and consoles time because I have seen far too many children of friends or acquaintances who ONLY play games consoles/watch YouTube and are quite frankly overweight. Even those who aren't overweight, they have become accustomed to being idle, therefore are likely to continue this as adults. Children need to be made aware early on to prevent the obesity problem we have [/quote]
If a child is overweight then they should be encouraged to exercise, but make it fun. Parents who discuss weight, calories and diet with their DC often result in their child having disordered thinking/behaviour around food, exercise and their body. A growing child should not hear “if you eat a slice of cake then you have to burn off the 200 calories” or “you can only have 2 pieces of fruit as there’s too much sugar.”

As children grow and develop into teens and then adults, they will gain weight. Do you want children to think they’re fat and ugly and unhealthy if they eat a chocolate Digestive with their cup of tea?

I think it’s unhealthy to live solely off processed high saturated fat food. I also think it’s unhealthy to have disordered eating/over exercise and count calories.

Personally, I’ve had an arse of a FIL, I’d reduce contact when food is involved.
We tried asking my FIL to stop saying stupid things but it just seemed to fuel the fire, so we went low contact.

It opens a discussion which is no bad thing ,if you make a big deal of it it will become a big deal.

So those that think it's fine. Do you talk this way about food in your own families, to the DC? Giving the message that you can't have something sweet unless it's earned through exercise?
No but I wish I had tbh.

I’m very concerned about the number of people who clicked on this thread because they had an unhealthy interest in FIL’s erectile dysfunction

I think FIL is giving quite a good message - that food fuels exercise. I’m wondering though is there’s a back story and he annoys you in other ways?

Absolutely out of order to talk like this to a child. Most children are active and enjoy playing, which will keep them fit. They don’t need to be told that they need to workout so they can enjoy 2 biscuits. Children don’t need to be told about calories. If a child is overweight, then encourage them to be more active by having fun eg. Dancing, a sport.

This simply isn’t true and is a parenting cop out. Most children do not get anywhere near the recommended amount of exercise. Playing isn’t enough.
When they are fat, it’s too late. Then you have to start doing damage to help them lose weight. Prevention is better than cure.
There are also hidden risks such as not building sufficient bone density and laying down extra fat cells that cannot be lost.

Children should be doing an hour a day of moderate to strenuous exercise that raises their heartbeat. They shouldn’t be snacking on cakes and biscuits all the time; there should be an increase in activity to balance calorie intake. Telling them that is not going to harm them; completely the opposite. Not telling them risks them thinking there are no consequences.

In terms of creating an eating disorder, one of the known risks is obesity or being heavy in childhood. Far from him creating an eating disorder, he might well be preventing it. Similarly early puberty increases the risk, it that too is linked to being fat and not having enough exercise.

Sounds a bit joyless!

Well at least he is relating it to himself I suppose.

Kids can pick up messages easily though & surely don't need to be thinking that any cake/biscuit needs to be "exercised away", but are ok as part of an overall healthy diet.

I don't think it comes across as good being earned but more a need to balance our diet and activity. I would keep an eye on it because the tone he says this is could make all the difference.

I think it’s quite a healthy message and one I wish I’d had as a child to be honest.

@Hopdathelf

Took me two reads to work out what all this was to do with erectile dysfunction.

Same!

OP I think your FiL is right! We do have to balance exercise with unhealthy food or we will put on weight. My DC know this because I tell them. They don’t have eating disorders.

My SIL says stuff like this to her kids - and actually makes them do some sort of exercise to work off whatever they’ve eaten. To the point that one of the children has confessed that they are scared of mum wrt food. They are a family riddled with EDs.

I wouldn’t use the word “earn” because that relates to reward and I like to steer away from junk food is a reward and healthy food is a punishment.

I think all of this insouciance about food is grand if you're a family with a race horse metabolism but in the real world it is not giving your child an eating disorder to point out hey, that's yr third biscuit. One was a treat. Two was one too many. Stop now.

I wish id spelled out the conn3ction between what you eat and body shape much more clearly earlier. Ill love her regardless but my dd is fat. I shouldnt have been so breezy watching her over eat. I didnt want to give her an eating disorder or get the head bitten off.

There isca connection between what you eat and yr waistline though. That is just fact.