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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Something my FIL says (ED related)

122 replies

BrilliantBetty · 28/02/2021 22:12

I have two young DDs. Eldest is 6 and questioning everything, remembers little things and can be quite serious / thoughtful.

Every time we celebrate a birthday and there's cake, or Christmas and there's chocolate etc. My FIL will make a comment like 'we can eat this piece of cake because we've had a long walk and used up lots of energy'. Or 'yes I'll have a couple of biscuits with my tea, I did run 15k yesterday', 'we shouldn't really be eating this, we'll need to do some exercise'. He is quite fitness obsessed which is great for him but I don't like the repeated comments to my DDs about being able to eat something because of such & such.

My DD(6) has picked up on it.
She's not overweight, none of us are. I am worrying that these comments, while not exactly wrong, could manifest and be some sort of contributing factor to eating disorder later on. I lost a very close friend quite a while ago to anorexia and from threads on here I see that it's not such an uncommon thing.

Anyway AIBU to feel these comments are not good.

OP posts:

CatherinedeBourgh · 28/02/2021 22:59

Another whoon’t see nthing wrong with it.

I personally phrase it with my dc as real food vs crap (they’re teens) but the message that small amounts of crap are ok in an otherwise healthy lifestyle is the same.

PADH · 28/02/2021 22:59

I honestly think it's OK

Sunhoop · 28/02/2021 23:02

I wouldn't like it either although it's better than my mum! I also have two DDs and she's always harping on in a similar manner often in front of them and she goes on about her own weight (and everyone else's ) while they're in the room. I talked to her about it (nicely) said I didn't want them to be exposed to talk like that at home as they'll face enough pressure throughout their lives. She "agreed" in theory but it's like she can't help herself as it's so engrained but she does and try and now she catches herself mid-sentence sometimes or I'll give her a "look" and she stops.

mynameiscalypso · 28/02/2021 23:02

OP, if you're interested, it might be worth checking out intuitive eating/movement as that's very much aligned to your views. Laura Thomas is a specialist in this area and has an Instagram account about raising children with healthy attitudes towards food - the name escapes me at the moment but you should be able to google it.

StillWeRise · 28/02/2021 23:03

how often do you see FIL?
if your dc are hearing this every day, it's OTT
if it's once a week, I'd just eye roll and say gosh, grandad does go on about food doesn't he, hahaha
assuming your family actually eats/exercises in a healthy way

namechange5575 · 28/02/2021 23:04

Are they too young for you to point out 'Grandad really cares about fitness. It is important to think about eating well and exercise to keep our bodies healthy. Grandad talks about it a lot doesn't he! Most people don't think about it as much as he does'. Or similar.

Is it bothering you partly because he seems to have taken it upon himself to educate your daughters about not overeating, when that should be your role?

Shinyletsbebadguys · 28/02/2021 23:09

Honestly I think it is not so far over the line it gives you the option to police his language.

I agree in terms of the fact we don't say things like that at home. We don't allow negative language about food in the house. DC and I are healthy weight. I grant you dp is higher weight than he would like but we teach a moderation message. More about not using food as a feel good factor etc. So no we don't ever comment that if we have eaten chocolate we have to exercise. We don't demonize foods .

That said its only acceptable to police others language where there is direct harm risk and this doesn't really qualify. Its not how I choose to live my life but it's not nasty or shaming to the DC. If he was telling them they should exercise after a biscuit then yes fair enough I would challenge it. If he was directing food or weight comments at them then challenge it. However you can't really police this , it's really quite over the top to try.

SackofTurtles · 28/02/2021 23:12

Both my parents say this all the time. I mean, literally every meal involves patting themselves on the stomach and saying ‘We’ll have to work this off!’

I find it fairly annoying, but I think that’s the repetition, and because they appear to think everyone wants to eat cake all the time — my mother in particular invariably says ‘Oh, you’re so STRONG!’ if we’re eating out and I don’t have dessert. (I’m 48, and have never had a sweet tooth, but it seems to come as a surprise each time to her.)

They also both say it as though it’s some kind of universal truth that everyone eating anything sweet or calorific is preoccupied with how to ‘work it off’ — I’ve seen my mother say it to someone ill and underweight who struggles to get in enough calories, and to a rower who needs to consume huge numbers of calories when in training.

lolulop · 28/02/2021 23:16

I wouldn't like it because I don't like the reward aspect to it. We do talk about moderation & the importance of good food for fuel but try not to demonise stuff.

JungOwlWan · 28/02/2021 23:18

I don't think he's wrong.

I remember a friend gave out to me for telling my daughter there were 270 calories in a mince pie! It was her 3rd, and she hadn't moved off the sofa all day! And she's 17. But how and ever............. I'm just relieved that your FIL wasn't trying to tell you about his erectile dysfunction.

RickiTarr · 28/02/2021 23:18

I think what would bother me I s that he seems to say it every time someone eats something calorific.

Occasional healthy eating comments that slipped in - fine.

Constant, maybe obsessive repetition- not good IMO.

Chloemol · 28/02/2021 23:21

I think it could be harmful longer term. They are kids at the moment and don’t need to know this stuff, it’s up to parents to regulate what they eat and when

It seems to me your in laws have an unhealthy obsession by mentioning it every time, there is no need

As long as the kids are eating heathy with cakes etc infrequently, they are within milestones etc then there is no need to mention anything

Maves · 28/02/2021 23:21

Very obsessive. No need to give a kid a complex at 6 years old.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 28/02/2021 23:31

'Isn't it silly how Granddad always goes on about earning healthy food! Everything is healthy if we eat sensibly!' Rinse and repeat - don't insist she can eat what she wants, teach her about healthy eating, surround her with positive food role models at home and she'll be fine.

LemonadeSunshine · 28/02/2021 23:39

Hi OP, we had similar with our DC7, which by happy coincidence was at the same time DC was studying healthy eating in school Y2. So we did a lot of (supervised!) googling, printed out pictures, cut out food pictures, etc., and created some food posters to compare energy values of different foods along with 5/7 a day, and move the focus away from 'earning' it. We also used the charts I had from baby times of needing different food groups, and managed to make it into a quite useful exercise. My DC is quite thoughtful and remembers minute details too!
Now when we have similar input we talk through the food chart. We're not going to change the behaviour of the people involved, all from an older generation or two, for whom talking about food in that way is normal. Often my DC comes back with 'have you eaten your 5/7 a day yet?' which quickly kills the food conversation

ohhhhitsme · 28/02/2021 23:41

I talk this way in front of our DC. Me and DH have had to make a conscious effort to get fit and lose weight in adulthood. Although our parents are not overweight, and my mum in particular is very active and fit, we were not brought up to be conscious of the requirement for exercise. We are both very active now, and are bringing up our DC to be very aware of the importance of exercise and a healthy diet. My 6yo is already aware that food has calories that go into your body and exercise helps get rid of those calories, and I'm happy for him to know that. I'd also jump straight into it if I witnessed any obsessive behaviour

ohhhhitsme · 28/02/2021 23:43

@CatherinedeBourgh

Another whoon’t see nthing wrong with it.

I personally phrase it with my dc as real food vs crap (they’re teens) but the message that small amounts of crap are ok in an otherwise healthy lifestyle is the same.

My 6yo says "I've not had much crap today". Probably totally inappropriate, but he understands what 'crap' food is and the need for it in moderation

LemonRoses · 28/02/2021 23:47

I think education is rarely wasted.If you teach them that there is a balance around calories in and calories out that keeps us fit, that’s a good thing. It’s not OK to eat biscuits and cake without exercise, so why hide that from children?

sunflowertulip · 28/02/2021 23:48

I say similar things to my children so it wouldn't bother me. We are a very active household and have a very varied and diverse diet, including plenty of treats, but they do understand some foods are healthy and some aren't and that we can have extra treats if we are more active.

SackofTurtles · 28/02/2021 23:49

@ohhhhitsme

That’s a strange choice of phrase — exercise ‘getting rid of’ calories.

You get that calories aren’t evil, right, that a calorie is just a unit of energy that your body needs for stuff like keeping your heart beating and your lungs inflating?

RavingAnnie · 28/02/2021 23:56

@Hopdathelf

Took me two reads to work out what all this was to do with erectile dysfunction.

😂😂😂

RavingAnnie · 01/03/2021 00:02

I think what he is saying is fine. Comments like that don't create eating disorders, it's much more complex than that.

If he was constantly saying - don't eat that, you'll get fat and then no one will like you or similar, yes that's a problem.

Making treats seem like treats and equating how much you can gorge with making sure you do enough activity to burn off the calories and stay healthy is fine. Eating too much food and comfort eating is also an eating problem.

Getting a happy medium with balance about food is what we should all be trying to aim for.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) we live in a world where we have food on tap. We (our minds and bodies) are not designed for this. We are designed for a world where food is not always readily available. As such we do need to create our own limitations on what we eat, when and how much and how much we exercise, or we can easily become sedentary and overweight. That does mean setting healthy limits or "rules" for ourselves around food.

SushiYum · 01/03/2021 00:27

@Maves

Very obsessive. No need to give a kid a complex at 6 years old.

I agree. Absolutely out of order to talk like this to a child. Most children are active and enjoy playing, which will keep them fit. They don’t need to be told that they need to workout so they can enjoy 2 biscuits. Children don’t need to be told about calories. If a child is overweight, then encourage them to be more active by having fun eg. Dancing, a sport.

BonnieDundee · 01/03/2021 00:47

I wouldnt like it either

Happycat1212 · 01/03/2021 00:51

You would hate my mum then, she says to my kids not to eat cake as they will get fat 😂

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