Messaging somebody's fiancé

[namechanged03]

Hello

So about 5 years ago, I started talking to somebody via Twitter which then turned flirty, made plans to meet etc but wasn't right but we've stayed "internet friends" since.

He's now engaged with a baby and NOTHING has been remotely flirty since about 4 years ago.

Occasionally he'll put a story or picture on his Instagram of his fiancé and kids I always like it etc, lovely to see him happy bla bla.

I've got a partner, no secrets, he goes on my phone quite often to check something if his phones out of battery, it's got no passcode nothing to hide.

Anyway, last night I put on my Instagram a recipe for my home made macaroni cheese and said guy messaged me and said "hi how are you? Stolen the receipt for Mac cheese looks amazing" I replied "I'm good thanks how are you? How is (sons and fiancées name) hope you're all well!" He replied "we are great thank you!" I double tapped it to like it.

Well this morning I've woken up to a friend request from her and he's unfollowed me and taken me off his followers! I haven't accepted her friend request yet as I imagine she's not going to be happy due to the fact he's unfollowed etc I imagine she's seen these messages and isn't happy.

Other private messages included me congratulating him and her on birth of baby etc nothing at all dodgy, no kisses or anything.

Just want to get some perspective. Shall I accept her as she obviously wants to talk to me?

For the record he doesn't ever like any photos unless it's of my dog or me and my partner.

I feel anxious to accept her as I don't want any drama and certainly didn't mean to cause any upset between them. I asked my partner and he just said to delete her friends request and get on with it.

What would you guys do?

I’d accept for a bit, if she doesn’t message etc, I’d delete. Or sometimes if I don’t know the person whose sent me a friend request, I send them a message saying ‘Hi! Sorry where do I know you from?’ That would give her chance to message you if you wants to? Then you can explain

Well done. I’m glad you didn’t take the majority’s advice and ignore her. Why won’t people do nice things for other people?? You were kind and probably made her feel much better. And there was no drama.

@namechanged03

I'd have done the same too.

He hadn't told you she was pregnant then?

Is he allowed to refrained you now then?

Delete it. Only a nutter would behave as she is doing, you do not need a mouthful of abuse.

@Honeyroar

Well done. I’m glad you didn’t take the majority’s advice and ignore her. Why won’t people do nice things for other people?? You were kind and probably made her feel much better. And there was no drama.

Yaaassssssss to this!!!

Could it be that he was with her during the period of your flirty messages?

@SplendidSuns1000 hi, no not at all. This was years ago, it ended after a year of talking and we agreed to keep in touch as friends. He had a girlfriend in between (pics of them on Instagram etc) and we were still friends. He then met this girl and told me all about her etc, she fell pregnant very early on in their relationship but he's always spoke highly of her and their baby.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants I wouldn't expect him to share that she's pregnant, she said she is very early and her hormones are everywhere so I'm guessing it's before they would announce. We speak once in a blue moon anyway.

He couldn't put her mind at rest, but you assuring her that you are just friends makes it all ok?
Ludicrous isn't it. If it was a man not trusting his gf and made her unfriend him while he checked him out based on a few friendly comments/likes he'd be a dangerous partner.
I feel sorry for your friend hormones doesn't cover this.
It was a recipe.

Don't accept her request.

As an aside, why are you so involved in this stranger's life? I'd understand this weird social media relationship you both have if you had met in person, were long-term friends, had known each other in real life for years prior - but this is an internet 'friend' that you've never met in real life (presumably, never even spoken on the phone to) - and, moreover, this is a relationship that started out as a flirtatious one! Why are you still messaging him, liking his posts and sending him private messages congratulating him on his baby with his fiancée (both of whom you've also, presumably never met)? Do you choose to message him privately (rather than leave a standard obligatory 'congratulations' message on his public posts) because you hope it'll lead to him responding directly to you and rekindle a conversation between you two?

The relationship is weird tbh. Stop giving this random man so much attention - the fact that you've gone to such pains to make it clear there's nothing flirty between you implies that you do still like the attention he gives you (and find it exciting giving him attention that he'll readily accept), even if it is platonic.

I think you behaved with kindness to her OP. Whatever her motivation (and I am guessing for things to go to this level, her insecurities are more than 'pregnancy hormones') you have been honest with her and I hope that she can have some peace of mind with regards to you.

I would also not maintain any further contact with him though. There is obviously a back story...

If this guy is a genuine friend not just a back up for each other.

Accept and tell her there's nothing going on, if you leave it you may hurt one of your friends relationships

@SanguineParadise

Don't accept her request.

As an aside, why are you so involved in this stranger's life? I'd understand this weird social media relationship you both have if you had met in person, were long-term friends, had known each other in real life for years prior - but this is an internet 'friend' that you've never met in real life (presumably, never even spoken on the phone to) - and, moreover, this is a relationship that started out as a flirtatious one! Why are you still messaging him, liking his posts and sending him private messages congratulating him on his baby with his fiancée (both of whom you've also, presumably never met)? Do you choose to message him privately (rather than leave a standard obligatory 'congratulations' message on his public posts) because you hope it'll lead to him responding directly to you and rekindle a conversation between you two?

The relationship is weird tbh. Stop giving this random man so much attention - the fact that you've gone to such pains to make it clear there's nothing flirty between you implies that you do still like the attention he gives you (and find it exciting giving him attention that he'll readily accept), even if it is platonic.

It's 2021 it's not at all unusual to have internet friendships. Stop trying to make it something it's not.

Just to clear something up, when we started talking within 2-3 months we were having telephone conversations, I opened up to him about a lot of things including child abuse etc.

We decided after 11-12 months of talking that we should just be friends as he lives 200 miles away.

This was 5 years ago so I was 20, a bit young and naive.

I was a bit upset for the first month or so then started dating and finally met my partner just over two years ago.

He has his comments disabled on Instagram and I don't have him as a friend on Facebook (only family and close friends). So I sent my congratulations via message when he put a picture up of his baby.

I'm very happy with my partner and I have no feelings for this man whatsoever but thought after a long time of being friends (obviously via the internet) just general keeping in touch every few months I'd have a message such as "hi how are you? How's (partners) name? hope all is well" etc and I'd do the same if I saw a nice picture of them as a family etc on there, I don't think that's strange and I'm not looking for attention from him. My partner wouldn't know about him if I had anything to hide. I have made friends with girls via Twitter etc too and we have a WhatsApp group and plan to meet up for drinks when coronavirus restrictions for meeting friends in a bar/restaurant etc ends.

OP, in the end you did the right thing as you helped reassure her that it was just a bit of flirting and it's long finished.
If she is insecure in her relationship then that's up to her to deal with.
I would consider the matter over and done with now.

@namechanged03

Okay as a girl who's had insecurities with a cheating partner before, I accepted her.

She asked how I knew him, I told the truth and also told her we'd never ever met and just made some sort of friendship online.

She was very nice, no abuse, thanked me for putting her mind at rest and told me she is in very early pregnancy again and her mind/hormones were doing overtime and she was sorry for bothering me.

Left it on a take care note and that was that.

Glad I accepted her now, glad that's over with!

This is really nice to read. OP you treated her with kindness and empathy (against most of the advice!) and set her mind at ease.

And she sounds nice too. Have to admit I assumed she was batshit jealous and wouldn't believe anything you said, but she's obviously just going through hormonal things and is able to see that.

You don't need to justify anything about your friendship with this guy!

I think we need the macaroni cheese recipe now...

I would accept.

I feel like not doing so makes you look dodgy.

YEs he may have unfollowed you, but he is your friend, no? So she is your friend's fiancee who you have asked after in messages and cngratulated on the birth of her child? Why on earth would you not accept her?

If she then goes 'batshit' on you as some others have been suggesting she already is, then you can block her, forget about it and move on. But for now, it is really weird to not accept a request from someone who is the fiancee of a friend.

@namechanged03

Okay as a girl who's had insecurities with a cheating partner before, I accepted her.

She asked how I knew him, I told the truth and also told her we'd never ever met and just made some sort of friendship online.

She was very nice, no abuse, thanked me for putting her mind at rest and told me she is in very early pregnancy again and her mind/hormones were doing overtime and she was sorry for bothering me.

Left it on a take care note and that was that.

Glad I accepted her now, glad that's over with!

I think you did the right thing.

It's nice to see someone not automatically assuming a woman is 'crazy'.

As she is your friend's fiancee it surely is nice now that she follows you and you can have an acquaintance with each other. It also means that you can congratulate her directly on the birth of her next child, rather than just her partner

You did the right thing, and I'm glad it worked out as I thought it would. I can't believe so many people wouldn't bother to help out because they think she's crazy.

Sounds like he's got form for messaging random women or she sounds a lil overbearing. Well done you for accepting and messaging the gf tho.

Someone who is the type to ask her partner to delete and unfollow a friend, and also brazen enough to then try add me, comes across as unstable enough that I really wouldn’t want them in my life in any capacity, nor would I give them access to my profile! Can’t believe people would accept the follow!

I see things have moved on and all is well, are you allowed to play with your friend now again OP? Or was the conversion and very unsubtle ‘your friendship is over don’y contact him again’ pissing on territory thing?

Your friend is probably absolutely mortified and either way won’t feel able to re add you or speak to you after this. If a bloke was isolating his girlfriend from friends because of insecurity and paranoia this thread would go a different way

@SanguineParadise

Don't accept her request.

As an aside, why are you so involved in this stranger's life? I'd understand this weird social media relationship you both have if you had met in person, were long-term friends, had known each other in real life for years prior - but this is an internet 'friend' that you've never met in real life (presumably, never even spoken on the phone to) - and, moreover, this is a relationship that started out as a flirtatious one! Why are you still messaging him, liking his posts and sending him private messages congratulating him on his baby with his fiancée (both of whom you've also, presumably never met)? Do you choose to message him privately (rather than leave a standard obligatory 'congratulations' message on his public posts) because you hope it'll lead to him responding directly to you and rekindle a conversation between you two?

The relationship is weird tbh. Stop giving this random man so much attention - the fact that you've gone to such pains to make it clear there's nothing flirty between you implies that you do still like the attention he gives you (and find it exciting giving him attention that he'll readily accept), even if it is platonic.

This

I really think social media has become almost like a 'cheating lite' that no one is allowed to worry about otherwise you're a psycho partner

I'd find it really odd if my husband was messaging a woman he'd never even met in real life.

Even odder if she was private messaging him asking about me and our son by name - when she hasn't ever met any of us.

It would be a bad idea to accept her request.

She read your messages - which, if as described, are perfectly fine, bland chat between friends, nothing inappropriate.

Her response is full on drama llama. He's had to delete you, she wants to contact you.

This is not a rational person. She's going to drop a steaming pile of drama on you.

I don't think its odd to have online friends these days.

Good of you to put her mind at ease but I'd remove her now to avoid any future drama now you've answered her question, especially if your friend hasn't readded you.