Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messaging somebody's fiancé

84 replies

namechanged03 · 28/02/2021 20:23

Hello

So about 5 years ago, I started talking to somebody via Twitter which then turned flirty, made plans to meet etc but wasn't right but we've stayed "internet friends" since.

He's now engaged with a baby and NOTHING has been remotely flirty since about 4 years ago.

Occasionally he'll put a story or picture on his Instagram of his fiancé and kids I always like it etc, lovely to see him happy bla bla.

I've got a partner, no secrets, he goes on my phone quite often to check something if his phones out of battery, it's got no passcode nothing to hide.

Anyway, last night I put on my Instagram a recipe for my home made macaroni cheese and said guy messaged me and said "hi how are you? Stolen the receipt for Mac cheese looks amazing" I replied "I'm good thanks how are you? How is (sons and fiancées name) hope you're all well!" He replied "we are great thank you!" I double tapped it to like it.

Well this morning I've woken up to a friend request from her and he's unfollowed me and taken me off his followers! I haven't accepted her friend request yet as I imagine she's not going to be happy due to the fact he's unfollowed etc I imagine she's seen these messages and isn't happy.

Other private messages included me congratulating him and her on birth of baby etc nothing at all dodgy, no kisses or anything.

Just want to get some perspective. Shall I accept her as she obviously wants to talk to me?

For the record he doesn't ever like any photos unless it's of my dog or me and my partner.

I feel anxious to accept her as I don't want any drama and certainly didn't mean to cause any upset between them. I asked my partner and he just said to delete her friends request and get on with it.

What would you guys do?

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 28/02/2021 21:17

@namechanged03

My Facebook account is set that so nobody can message me unless on my friends request - same as on my Instagram.

No my profile picture is a picture I took of a view in Italy.

Something inside of me says to accept her, take the questions or maybe even an earful and reply that I have zero feelings for her fiancée and I'm happily in a relationship of over 2 years etc. I'd hate to think I've caused a falling out between them or if she is insecure, maybe I could put her mind at rest.

But, I will go with the majority including my partner and decline.

I think you’d be absolutely right doing this. You’ve nothing to hide and you might just be putting someone’s mind at rest (as in hers). I once did similar myself (only in this case her husband had asked me out and not mentioned a wife etc!) and had a calm, mature chat with the other lady.
Honeyroar · 28/02/2021 21:17

And if she gets stroppy or aggressive then block her, at least you have tried..

ladywithnomanors · 28/02/2021 21:20

Ignore the friend request.
You don’t know her.
You’ve done nothing wrong.

Yellowfish2020 · 28/02/2021 21:21

[quote namechanged03]@Yellowfish2020 see this is my worry, if I can put her mind at rest then I'd like to.

I have no issues going no contact with him if his fiancée isn't happy with it, of course. I'd never want to cause unhappiness in somebody's relationship.[/quote]
Thing is, I've been that 'batshit crazy woman' (as some have put it) worrying about cheating because of past experiences. If she's angry with you - don't let it bother you and you can block her, but if you can put her mind at rest that's a nice thing to do.

Diamondella · 28/02/2021 21:25

No way would I accept her. It will give a stranger lots of personal info about you. She could be a nut case who would contact your other friends etc or find out your place of work. Can’t she just send you a message on Facebook anyway without having to be friends with her. Or you could message her and just say “sorry but do I know you?” In response to her friend request then that gives her the opportunity to tell you what she’s wanting to contact you about

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 28/02/2021 21:26

Personally I would ignore the friend request.

It's not your job to put her mind at rest about her partner's behavior anyway. That's between those two themselves, they have to get on with it themselves.

Rewis · 28/02/2021 21:27

The smart thing to do is to reject the request. If she is being jealous, you saying nothing is going on is not going to make a difference. Also, this is their problem and nothing to do do with you.

That being said. I want you to accept and report back here.

Notabove25 · 28/02/2021 21:31

Surely if she sees the messages OP describes as a threat, she's not going to believe anything OP says to "put her mind at rest" anyway?

What can OP say other than "we go back a bit and he liked a recipie I posted"?

NovemberR · 28/02/2021 21:31

I'd ignore.

I wouldn't accept a request from someone I don't know - and pp are right. Her relationship issues, whatever they may be, are nothing to do with you. I wouldn't feel the need to reassure a total stranger how their bf feels about them.

And let's be honest - by the sound of it HE is actually a bloke you've never actually met. Never mind his girlfriend.

MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 21:31

I'd just leave it

TulisaIsBrill · 28/02/2021 21:32

@Rewis

The smart thing to do is to reject the request. If she is being jealous, you saying nothing is going on is not going to make a difference. Also, this is their problem and nothing to do do with you.

That being said. I want you to accept and report back here.

Grin it’s good that you shameless admit it. I agree, and I know that’s terrible too!
Twisty333 · 28/02/2021 21:35

My advice normally would be to Ignore/block/delete but for the sake of providing entertainment for this group, maybe accept and report back to us what she says?? Lol.

Mally2020 · 28/02/2021 21:40

I don't think it sounds insecure as others have put. You said yourselves you flirted and made plans in the past, sorry but a man wouldn't be friends with you after that just to be nice get real

JuneWind · 28/02/2021 21:43

I think it’s nice you want to put her mind at ease.....but on the off chance she isn’t a lovely, rational woman - could she start posting on your wall etc that you’ve been messaging her fiancé, you’re a homewrecker etc etc.

Good chance she wouldn’t do that, but not sure I’d risk the drama tbh!

candycrushsaga · 28/02/2021 21:47

@Twisty333 yes she should accept friend request and keep us updated with all the entertainment 😂 joke aside, if I have nothing to hide, I would probably allow her to snoop around in my profile.

Redglitter · 28/02/2021 21:51

see this is my worry, if I can put her mind at rest then I'd like to

If she has trust issues that's not your problem. Dont get drawn into any drama. Let's face it if she thinks there's something going on she's never going to believe you when you say there isn't.

Don't open that can of worms

justamummydoingherbest · 28/02/2021 21:52

Definitely DO NOT accept the friend
Request. Just delete and block her. Maybe block him too.

Original poster
namechanged03 · 28/02/2021 21:59

Okay as a girl who's had insecurities with a cheating partner before, I accepted her.

She asked how I knew him, I told the truth and also told her we'd never ever met and just made some sort of friendship online.

She was very nice, no abuse, thanked me for putting her mind at rest and told me she is in very early pregnancy again and her mind/hormones were doing overtime and she was sorry for bothering me.

Left it on a take care note and that was that.

Glad I accepted her now, glad that's over with!

OP posts:
TinCanCollector · 28/02/2021 22:02

It’s a bit rich saying you don’t accept anyone you don’t know, when you’ve accepted and been messaging this man, her fiancé, who you’ve never met and don’t know.

I’m sure she’ll get all the answers she needs from one of the other hundred random women he’s also never met but messages.

Newkitchen123 · 28/02/2021 22:02

So is he allowed to be friends then

Yellowfish2020 · 28/02/2021 22:10

@namechanged03

Okay as a girl who's had insecurities with a cheating partner before, I accepted her.

She asked how I knew him, I told the truth and also told her we'd never ever met and just made some sort of friendship online.

She was very nice, no abuse, thanked me for putting her mind at rest and told me she is in very early pregnancy again and her mind/hormones were doing overtime and she was sorry for bothering me.

Left it on a take care note and that was that.

Glad I accepted her now, glad that's over with!

Thanks really good for you. We need more of this xx
Emeraldshamrock · 28/02/2021 22:11

You done nothing wrong.
I'm glad you made contact because I'm nosey.
It sounds like she interrogated him. Shock
As there was nothing saucy in your messages there was no need for the interview I'm embarrassed for her.
Your poor friend. 😢

MustardMitt · 28/02/2021 22:12

I would accept it to see what she wants. It's just as likely she hasn't said anything at all about him following you, but he has done it in a panic which has made her suspicious.

I totally disagree with you @Mally2020. I have exactly the same with the one ex boyfriend I still like Grin - we are both married with children now, we exchange minute bits of chit chat every now and again just like this.

MustardMitt · 28/02/2021 22:13

Oh x-post!

NovemberR · 28/02/2021 22:13

So she'll believe you - a total stranger - over her fiancee?

He couldn't put her mind at rest, but you assuring her that you are just friends makes it all ok?

That's not a good relationship. (Also, I suspect if she's that insecure then the minute you stopped messaging she's convinced herself that you were lying or covering up for him)

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.