Spoon feeding a 7 year old?

[FortunesFave]

My nephew is 7 (just) and SIL spoon feeds him. She keeps asking my advice about how to make him more independent as he's not managing school well due to anxiety when separated from her.

But her blind spot about things like spoon feeding him and still sharing a bed every night is irritating me.

I don't think bed sharing is that bad actually and did it myself some nights when my DC were younger...but the problem is that he hasn't even got a bedroom of his own. She keeps a pile of crap in what should be his room and says "he doesn't want his own room"

I gently explained that having his own room is an important part of his growth and that he can express his taste for decor in there, have some privacy to play games alone etc....but she keeps glossing over it saying "He just doesn't want one"

and then the next day calling me up and saying things like "What can I DO he won't go to school again!"

Then she sits at the table at my house, spooning bloody chicken into his mouth.

Yes he's small and so she might be anxious about growth but he eats fine! He's well put together, not at all thin....he's short because their whole family is short!

I didn't say a word about the spoon feeding but it's actually a new thing and I am worried SIL is stopping my nephew from growing more independent but doesn't realise that....it's a blind spot for her.

He is a lovely, intelligent and funny and kind boy...but his attendance at school is incredibly poor (we're not in UK, schools are open as usual here)

No advice- non parent here- but spoon feeding a 7 year old! Sharing a bed all the time? She is creating a huge issue surely? The little boy is refusing school and he’s seven!

When you say SIL is she your partner’s sister or your sibling’s wife? What does her partner think?

I don't think a child would willingly behave like this or the parent would willingly make their own lives harder by spoon feeding their 7 year old. It's likely that there are undiagnosed additional needs. My kids didn't become really apparent until the age of 7 or 8.

She's DH's sister.

I had thought he had some signs of ASD when he was littler but now those have faded away....I thought he had ASD because his language was poor but it's good now...he's not shy of me or DH or our children at all and he plays imaginatively etc.

You say the spoon feeding is a new thing. Is it every meal or just this one time you witnessed. Why do you think she is creating problems rather than responding to his anxiety? Do you think he would ask for his room to be made available if he wanted that? You are assuming she is causing all these problems but maybe she feels she is just responding to his needs. Its hard to know what to make as we can't tell if you are seeing the odd snap shot and making incorrect judgements. Is the child's dad still on the scene?

@PieInTheSky71

I don't think a child would willingly behave like this or the parent would willingly make their own lives harder by spoon feeding their 7 year old. It's likely that there are undiagnosed additional needs. My kids didn't become really apparent until the age of 7 or 8.

Was going to the say the same. My son is 5, almost 6, and I have to spoon feed him (depending on what it is as he completely freaks out by any mess).

@CrazyOldBagLady

You say the spoon feeding is a new thing. Is it every meal or just this one time you witnessed. Why do you think she is creating problems rather than responding to his anxiety? Do you think he would ask for his room to be made available if he wanted that? You are assuming she is causing all these problems but maybe she feels she is just responding to his needs. Its hard to know what to make as we can't tell if you are seeing the odd snap shot and making incorrect judgements. Is the child's dad still on the scene?

It's every meal but he's eating independently and then she swoops in with a spoon when he's doing fine alone. It's not as though he's unable to or refusing to eat...he's sitting there, eating his food with good manners and handling his cutlery well and she will fuss and say "Eat some of this" or 'What about eating that?" and then grab a spoon and make him eat what she thinks he should eat.

No Dad on scene.

@CrazyOldBagLady

You say the spoon feeding is a new thing. Is it every meal or just this one time you witnessed. Why do you think she is creating problems rather than responding to his anxiety? Do you think he would ask for his room to be made available if he wanted that? You are assuming she is causing all these problems but maybe she feels she is just responding to his needs. Its hard to know what to make as we can't tell if you are seeing the odd snap shot and making incorrect judgements. Is the child's dad still on the scene?

She's not responding to his anxiety. He has no anxiety over meals. He sits nicely, eats well but she interferes. He's able to use a knife and fork, sits quietly and chats nicely but she just starts telling him to eat more this or eat more that and then gets a spoon and feeds him.

Regarding the bedroom thing...I think he's fine in her room...happy with it...but many children would be wouldn't they? And if he's never had his own room, then he doesn't know what he's missing.

I would also think some kind of Send because not many 7yo would sit there and allow their mum to spoon feed them without adding some choice words of protest!

Whether that is a developed codependence which has created his thinking for needing her as opposed to asd or something similar I wouldn't know from what you've typed. But codependence is also an additional need because it's an attachment issue.

I would suggest next time she asks ask her what she thinks he needs to develop independence in and if she says school then open up her thinking towards if he doesn't have independence from her at home then it won't happen at school.

Sometimes you have to get someone to realise for themselves so they don't become defensive (even though they asked!)

My kids have ASD and speak well, make eye contact, play imaginatively, are academically able but they still struggle a great deal.with anxiety and behave like your nephew. To the untrained eye, my kids seem perfectly fine. The professionals see a very different picture.

@PieInTheSky71

My kids have ASD and speak well, make eye contact, play imaginatively, are academically able but they still struggle a great deal.with anxiety and behave like your nephew. To the untrained eye, my kids seem perfectly fine. The professionals see a very different picture.

So do you think I should mention her having him assessed? The school he attends is a bit rubbish...they've never said anything at all.

Yep. What PieInTheSky said.

I think it's very unlikely that a parent could cause a child to be more dependent - child development just doesn't work that way! They naturally become more independent and move away from you.

Unless she's filling his head with loads of scary shit and causing him to be afraid of anything without her, but it doesn't sound like that's your concern. And I think if she was being one of those lawnmower parents and making sure he avoids any hard or unpleasant experience ever, she'd have pulled him out of school by now.

It sounds to me more like she is reacting to his anxiety and comfort-seeking. That wouldn't stunt his independence, on the contrary it's more likely to build a stable base for him to be able to spring from. But for whatever reason, he's not (yet).

Setting him up a bedroom wouldn't hurt, though, so it might be worth a try. It's not like having the bedroom means that he has to immediately start sleeping there. It's just an option so that he has the free choice - and to an extent, as a box-ticking exercise in order to say to any naysayers, yes, he has a bedroom, no, he refuses to sleep there.

But in any case, sounds like she probably is at a point of wanting to get professional input.

It's only now that my eldest has had a complete breakdown due to severe anxiety that school and family are saying "Oh! It's really bad, she's not fine"

@BertieBotts

Yep. What PieInTheSky said.

I think it's very unlikely that a parent could cause a child to be more dependent - child development just doesn't work that way! They naturally become more independent and move away from you.

Unless she's filling his head with loads of scary shit and causing him to be afraid of anything without her, but it doesn't sound like that's your concern. And I think if she was being one of those lawnmower parents and making sure he avoids any hard or unpleasant experience ever, she'd have pulled him out of school by now.

It sounds to me more like she is reacting to his anxiety and comfort-seeking. That wouldn't stunt his independence, on the contrary it's more likely to build a stable base for him to be able to spring from. But for whatever reason, he's not (yet).

Setting him up a bedroom wouldn't hurt, though, so it might be worth a try. It's not like having the bedroom means that he has to immediately start sleeping there. It's just an option so that he has the free choice - and to an extent, as a box-ticking exercise in order to say to any naysayers, yes, he has a bedroom, no, he refuses to sleep there.

But in any case, sounds like she probably is at a point of wanting to get professional input.

I see your point. It may be that she sees minute signs that I don't see...I can't imagine my child at 7 allowing me to feed them. They'd have said "What the heck are you doing Mummy?"

I think you're probably right and that he may have some sort of additional need. ASD possibly. I suppose I could mention having him assessed in relation to the school anxiety and see if she's open.

Schools are not trained to assess SEN, this is a bit of a misconception - I thought this too! That because school weren't concerned I shouldn't be.

Sometimes you have to go direct to GP and start the ball rolling that way.

But I'm not sure whether you suggesting it would be the right thing. Probably I would just try and continue being sympathetic or reflecting her concerns back so she can see what she's saying herself if that makes sense.

This sounds like it’s her issue, not his. I bet he’d love his own room and not having to share a bed with an overly attached mother.

Spoon feeding him is ludicrous. Especially if, as you say, he was getting on fine on his own before.

@itsgettingwierd

I would also think some kind of Send because not many 7yo would sit there and allow their mum to spoon feed them without adding some choice words of protest!

Whether that is a developed codependence which has created his thinking for needing her as opposed to asd or something similar I wouldn't know from what you've typed. But codependence is also an additional need because it's an attachment issue.

I would suggest next time she asks ask her what she thinks he needs to develop independence in and if she says school then open up her thinking towards if he doesn't have independence from her at home then it won't happen at school.

Sometimes you have to get someone to realise for themselves so they don't become defensive (even though they asked!)

MIL mentioned that she thought they were codependent. I suppose you're right about the just accepting spoon feeding. My children would have been outraged if I'd tried that at 7...thanks for the advice.

I would advise her to trust her instincts. Visit a go and express her concerns. School's often don't notice

Gp

No advice, but spoon feeding at 7 is ridiculous! He should at least have his own room, even if he spends time in mum’s bed. What happens when his friends what a sleep over etc he’s going to be embarrassed at some point surely.

@Suzi888

No advice, but spoon feeding at 7 is ridiculous! He should at least have his own room, even if he spends time in mum’s bed. What happens when his friends what a sleep over etc he’s going to be embarrassed at some point surely.

His only friend is his Mum's friend's child. They get on well but he's also a very quiet child and is extremely protected by his Mum.

No school friends at all really.

Is it possible that it is anxiety related to covid and lockdowns etc, if it's recently started? I agree with others that she may be responding to cues you don't see. It's really hard parenting a child with additional needs and dealing with the judgement from others who don't see the full picture.

She keeps asking my advice about how to make him more independent as he's not managing school well

What do you think she'd say if you offered a sleepover?

Why are people suggesting an autism assessment for a child who can feed themselves perfectly fine?

My ds who has ASD was not interested in his own bedroom until he was 8. He also couldn't eat properly with a knife and fork until he was 11. It would be tiring for him to use a knife and fork to eat a whole meal.

My ds is 12 now and he loves spending time in his bedroom and sleeping in it. He also eats well with a knife and fork. These are things I used to worry would never happen. It just took a bit longer for my ds.