Spoon feeding a 7 year old?

[FortunesFave]

My nephew is 7 (just) and SIL spoon feeds him. She keeps asking my advice about how to make him more independent as he's not managing school well due to anxiety when separated from her.

But her blind spot about things like spoon feeding him and still sharing a bed every night is irritating me.

I don't think bed sharing is that bad actually and did it myself some nights when my DC were younger...but the problem is that he hasn't even got a bedroom of his own. She keeps a pile of crap in what should be his room and says "he doesn't want his own room"

I gently explained that having his own room is an important part of his growth and that he can express his taste for decor in there, have some privacy to play games alone etc....but she keeps glossing over it saying "He just doesn't want one"

and then the next day calling me up and saying things like "What can I DO he won't go to school again!"

Then she sits at the table at my house, spooning bloody chicken into his mouth.

Yes he's small and so she might be anxious about growth but he eats fine! He's well put together, not at all thin....he's short because their whole family is short!

I didn't say a word about the spoon feeding but it's actually a new thing and I am worried SIL is stopping my nephew from growing more independent but doesn't realise that....it's a blind spot for her.

He is a lovely, intelligent and funny and kind boy...but his attendance at school is incredibly poor (we're not in UK, schools are open as usual here)

Next time she visits you and it's dinner time could you make something for kids to eat and then make coffee and cake or something for you both you can take away somewhere away from the children.

But keep children in sight not reach and comment on how well they are all eating, her sons cutlery skills etc.

My son has an anxiety disorder and ADHD. He really struggles with cutlery and tends to give up 2/3rds of the way into a meal. He actually prefers to eat with his fingers. I do spoon feed him sometimes. When he is particularly anxious he reverts to being much more childlike and I think having someone take responsibility for his basic needs (he also struggles with dressing himself, tying shoelaces and so on) relieves some of the anxiety and makes him feel more secure.

An outsider would see a confident, chatty, witty child who is completely normal.

He’s nine. I do think it’s probably not all on your SIL.

@HeartOfInk

She keeps asking my advice about how to make him more independent as he's not managing school well

What do you think she'd say if you offered a sleepover?

She'd say no without a doubt.

@extentioncord

Why are people suggesting an autism assessment for a child who can feed themselves perfectly fine?

there's more to autism than that...

there's more to autism than that...

I know. I am autistic and have 2 autistic children. I just wondered why people were picking from your thread that this child couldn't and wouldn't feed himself when actually you said the mother was overbearing and interfering.

Do you think she realises that she is still treating him like an oversized baby?

Whether he wants to carry on co-sleeping or not isn't the problem. The problem is that he hasn't even got his own bedroom to sleep in even if he wanted to. By spoon feeding him when he is eating his dinner perfectly well on his own she's reinforcing the idea that he can't cope without her.

My DS12 - ASD - only moved into his room at 7 and then only because we got him a puppy to sleep with (highrise bed). I used to chop up everything for him to eat and even now he's still awkward with a knife, it's like it requires so much effort for him.

Not saying your DN has ASD. He could just be a late developer. Patience and encouragement are needed. Defo needs his room set up properly so it's there when he's ready. Maybe she could camp on the floor until he's asleep, to get him used to the room.

I think mommy dearest is more deserving an assessment than the poor child in question

@extentioncord

there's more to autism than that...

I know. I am autistic and have 2 autistic children. I just wondered why people were picking from your thread that this child couldn't and wouldn't feed himself when actually you said the mother was overbearing and interfering.

It looked like you were saying that the ability to feed oneself is a determining factor in the diagnoses of autism. You're quite right in a way...I've only listed things that my SIL has DONE rather than things her DS is doing....she's the one stopping him from sleeping alone, she is the one feeding him...he's not asking.

My nephew does not seem to have autistic traits...even mild ones.

She'd say no without a doubt.

Next time she asks you what she can do to make him more independent, say staying with you would be the "safest" way of encouraging him. He'd be with family, he knows you, she knows you. Does he ever come over for the day without her? Or let you take him out somewhere? Could you gently ask her if she's worried about him being independent of her?

Either way, I think you need to tread carefully and considerately. Maybe your DH could be a bit more direct with her, tell her to stop babying him. Do you think it's too overwhelming for her, and she needs some help, to sort out the spare room? Could you offer some furniture as a birthday gift?

SOME parents do thrive on making their children as dependent as possible. I should know. I was that child.

MOST parents are so proud and excited when their child reaches a milestone that takes them closer to independence.

On the outside I was a school refuser, highly anxious, highly dependent, putting my poor
mother through hell.

In reality, and diagnosed by a Ed Psych at 5, I was perfectly normal with a mother who didn’t want me to be independent and who was emotionally enmeshed with me and wanted me to remain a baby forever.

I was punished for every milestone. Listen to “Mother Knows Best” from Tangled. I was made to be petrified of the outside world and anything outside the two of us.

Starting school was a betrayal - mum missed me and didn’t know what to do with herself.

Wanting to go on a sleepover - resulted in tears, “don’t you love me anymore?” “do you prefer x’s mum to me?”

Wanting to choose my own clothes - I was hit, screamed at, called a little bitch because only mummy knew what suited me and I was her little doll.

And so on and so forth. I wasn’t allowed to wash my own hair until I was 15. Guilt tripped every time I wanted to meet a friend. Not allowed boyfriends. Not allowed to go to university. Guilt tripped anytime I wanted to sleep in my own bed. Moving 10 minutes away as and adult resulted in tantrums, guilt tripping, being told I would never cope etc etc etc

As a counsellor pointed out, I was never really the daughter, I was the life partner of my mother and filled the role of spouse, confidante, forced to be a parent to her yet not independent. Even now I have to see her every day and if I’m having a coffee with a friend she will ring me at least 3 times in an hour and if I don’t pick up she will guilt trip me that she had some sort of medical episode whilst I was out for coffee.

So I’d not be so quick to assume it’s an autistic child here.

What does the child’s father think of all this?
What role does he play?

I think there may be something closer to what @Sandgrown1970 is suggesting going on ☹️ I worked in Early Years and we had a mother similar to this who brought baby bottles in every day for snack time, even though the child didn’t want to drink from a bottle and kept him in nappies until he was almost going to school (almost 5 as autumn birthday).

She was quite responsive over time to moving him forward, but he was her second and last child and I think she was very much wanting to keep him a baby. He wasn’t really compliant with it though in the end, and she got a puppy just before he went to school which really seemed to help her. Her DH was definitely not happy with it all, so I think that helped avoid it getting worse or continuing.

OP I wonder if helping her sort his room out could be a step towards improving things? Is his father around?

@Sandgrown1970

SOME parents do thrive on making their children as dependent as possible. I should know. I was that child.

MOST parents are so proud and excited when their child reaches a milestone that takes them closer to independence.

On the outside I was a school refuser, highly anxious, highly dependent, putting my poor
mother through hell.

In reality, and diagnosed by a Ed Psych at 5, I was perfectly normal with a mother who didn’t want me to be independent and who was emotionally enmeshed with me and wanted me to remain a baby forever.

I was punished for every milestone. Listen to “Mother Knows Best” from Tangled. I was made to be petrified of the outside world and anything outside the two of us.

Starting school was a betrayal - mum missed me and didn’t know what to do with herself.

Wanting to go on a sleepover - resulted in tears, “don’t you love me anymore?” “do you prefer x’s mum to me?”

Wanting to choose my own clothes - I was hit, screamed at, called a little bitch because only mummy knew what suited me and I was her little doll.

And so on and so forth. I wasn’t allowed to wash my own hair until I was 15. Guilt tripped every time I wanted to meet a friend. Not allowed boyfriends. Not allowed to go to university. Guilt tripped anytime I wanted to sleep in my own bed. Moving 10 minutes away as and adult resulted in tantrums, guilt tripping, being told I would never cope etc etc etc

As a counsellor pointed out, I was never really the daughter, I was the life partner of my mother and filled the role of spouse, confidante, forced to be a parent to her yet not independent. Even now I have to see her every day and if I’m having a coffee with a friend she will ring me at least 3 times in an hour and if I don’t pick up she will guilt trip me that she had some sort of medical episode whilst I was out for coffee.

So I’d not be so quick to assume it’s an autistic child here.

What does the child’s father think of all this?
What role does he play?

He is not in the picture at all.

t looked like you were saying that the ability to feed oneself is a determining factor in the diagnoses of autism.

Yeah, that's not what I said at all. In fact I didn't even address the issue of autism. I was asking why people were jumping to it based on the fact a child cannot feed themselves, when actually you said the child can and does feed themselves.

@Sandgrown1970 I’m so sorry that you had to endure that. You sound so level and like you’re on the outside of it now and understand it almost as an observer, rather than the confused child at the centre. That must have been a challenging place to get to. It seems to me this child is in a similar place that you were.

I still feed my eight year old because otherwise he wouldn’t eat. We do think he has some SEN but no one will investigate it. He struggles with using cutlery, can’t tie his laces, struggles with writing and drawing. His fine motor skills were always behind. I also possess two children with zero appetite, so a combination of no desire to eat alongside struggling with cutlery sees me involved.

@justanotherneighinparadise

I still feed my eight year old because otherwise he wouldn’t eat. We do think he has some SEN but no one will investigate it. He struggles with using cutlery, can’t tie his laces, struggles with writing and drawing. His fine motor skills were always behind. I also possess two children with zero appetite, so a combination of no desire to eat alongside struggling with cutlery sees me involved.

You’re right, of course, that this can be a sign of additional needs. But the OP has already told us that the child in question can use cutlery well and has good table manners, so that’s clearly not the case here.

It does sound as though the mother is determined to keep this child a baby. How does DH’s mum see the situation? Is there a more experienced parent in the family you could discuss this with?

My SIL was very very similar with her son.

When he started to crawl she would sit him back on his playmat so he didn’t hurt himself. Spoon fed him until he went to school. Used to give him a spoon of calpol every morning just in case he was teething. Freaked out over tiny inconsequential things. When he started school she would stay in the playground for half an hour staring in the windows, usually the secretary had to come and bustle her off.

She is a very anxious person and parenting brought out the absolute worst in her.

He’s a teenager now and is lovely but definitely one of the odd kids at school. However he is academically very bright so gets by that way. He’s a gentle and shy boy but she’s relaxed her grip a bit.

I don’t know what to suggest, obviously there were more things than I’ve listed. I got involved and flagged it with the school and I know they had some involvement, but I had to tread really carefully. I could never bring it up with SIL as she was very defensive and prickly, although I did with the obviously batshit and dangerous stuff (daily calpol, calling 999 for colic etc).

I think it is incredibly sad that when a parent is doing everything for their child to the extent they won’t even allow them to do their own thing the assumption always seems to be that the child must have some SEN.

Even the parents of children with SEN generally aspire for those children to be independent, and often one of the reasons why they’re not is because their parents don’t do them any favours by doing everything for them.

I was born blind, and at school you could always spot the kids whose parents did absolutely everything for them and who just couldn’t cope outside of the home environment. And those same children are invariably still living with their parents in their 40’s and 50’s and with no independence skills or prospects.

My mum always said that it would have been incredibly easy to just do everything for me, but there was nothing to be achieved by that, not least the fact that I wouldn’t have then been a person in my own right.

Even if this child has SEN, she needs to be encouraged to let go somewhat and encourage his independence. It’s far easier to just give in than to let them make mistakes, but unless a child has a physical disability which makes them physically incapable of feeding themselves, they need to be encouraged to do it, even if it results in e.g. a mess etc.

Is she from another culture hto the UK? Reason I'm asking is that within the Indian subcontinent, there is a habit for mothers to infantilise their kids. So spoonfeeding, dressing & sharing beds for a non SEND kids is not unheard of. Some mums encourage a culture of dependency & then the boys grow up expecting their wives to look after them in a similar way. So the cycle continues, the problem is your SIL. she is too emotionally dependent on her child.

Oh @Sandgrown1970 - bit lost for words after reading that

Why are ppl comparing their kids and their needs regarding cutlery etc when OP has repeatedly said her nephew is very able but mum intervenes???
I often wonder if ppl actually read and absorb posts in here 🙄
Definitely sounds like mum is the issue not the child.

@Sandgrown1970 I am so sorry you are still enmeshed in this - cannot believe she is still tormenting you now

Apologies if it has been suggested already but my pages are loading slowly and I haven't read p2.
I would report to school as safeguarding.

Keeping the next bit deliberately vague but someone connected to me (loosely) has had similar issues.
Was in a relationship with someone who had been told by their mother that they wer unable to do lots of 'normal' things - as a late teen lots of anxiety, etc. and were told they were poor academically, couldn't manage to prepare meals for themselves, work out how to use household appliances etc... Anyway, despite these shortfalls they managed to have a child with the person connected to me.
Again their mother got involved, mostly due to some short term MH issues on the side of "my person". She decided that her child could not look after their own offspring, so took over. Apparently the baby wasn't ready for solids, wasn't ready to feed themselves independently,etc. A few years of wrangling ensued as the relationship broke down and "my person" eventually obtained sole custody.
Their 5 year old was still in nappies, playing with baby toys, needing to be fed. But actually they were quite capable. They had been told (as had their parent) that they couldn't do all those things, that they struggled
But they didn't. They just had never been allowed to.
I don't know what had happened with the grandmother or other parent as they don't seem to have any involvement now. The child is now a perfectly average/hitting all developmental targets 9 year old. It took a good few years to undo the damage.

How does DH’s mum see the situation? She has confided that she is concerned.

Is she from another culture hto the UK? I said above that we're not in UK but it's not Indian. We're a white British family...me and DH and his family too.