He is not in the picture at all.
I suspected that’s the case. Which is all the more difficult for the child in this instance. They are the sole focus of the mother’s attention.
Does she work? Have hobbies? Friends? Want to pursue a relationship? Any interest at all other than being DN’s Mummy?
My mum was a SAHM, no hobbies, no career, no close friends or life outside of me. But if she is showing signs of an identity outside of being this 7 year old’s mum then that’s quite promising.
Some teachers and other parents did manage to sort of shame my mother/shock her into minuscule behaviour changes which worked for little things.
I’d be very breezy and firm, “DN, pick up your knife and fork. You are a big boy now and I know big boys like to feed themselves don’t they?” and, out of his earshot, “SIL you need to stop spoon feeding him. You want him to be independent and this is one thing we both know he can do alone.”
When she says “DN doesn’t like x/Doesn’t want to y etc etc” and you are there, ask him directly “Is that true DN? Don’t you want to (see your friends and play at school/learn about outer space/go on a sleepover)? Can you talk about why?”
Change can be very scary for these kids so tread carefully with him, allow him to express his fears, reassure him he’s normal, agree baby steps, reward with tiny treats for trying (stickers worked wonders for me even at that age, or an ice cream on a Saturday, monthly cinema trip etc). Ie, “every night you sleep in your own bed you get a gold star and if you get one every night for a whole week you get to go swimming with cousins and when you get one for the whole month we will take you to the cinema/zoo etc.
When she moans about him not sleeping in his own room, could you and DH/MIL offer to help her make it more “his” and for him to have ownership of it and offer to help go and “settle” him in his own bed? Every time she offloads, try not to offer her sympathy for it. Just solutions - “have you tried taking him back to bed when he comes into yours?” “What happened when you did what we discussed?” “Right, DH will be along tonight to help settle him.”
School refusal... “I think you need to get a referral to an educational psychologist now SIL. It’s gone on long enough. MIL has offered to help you talk to school.”
“Ok, I’m coming to take him to school today.”
Etc etc.
Don’t get involved in her emotional drama about the child and be ott comforting and super sympathetic, if she’s like my mother she will literally be feeding off it. When mine stopped getting it for me supposedly not “hitting my milestones” she then started inventing illnesses I didn’t have so she could have a sick child to get attention for.
Of course, she may not be an enmeshed/emotionally incestuous mother at all but trying to confidently come up with practical solutions and support aimed at the child is still a good tactic.
Thanks to all who offered flowers. Yes, I’m still enmeshed and always will be as I can’t live with going no contact. Oddly I wasn’t confused at all about it as a child, I knew from a young age exactly what she was doing but had to go along with it or be hurt or made homeless and mentally I was always very mature and able to see the situation with an adult mind. In fact, in secondary school it was the fact I was more an adult than a child that first alerted teachers to the fact that something was going on. It would appear from my medical notes that SS referrals were made (including one by my father who wasn’t allowed a real
relationship with me) but she refused to engage with any help and I wasn’t interviewed and SS didn’t push to follow up or insist she engaged with the CAMHS that was offered to me and her, twice at 5 and 12.