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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dd2 to swap rooms?

55 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 27/02/2021 21:04

I have 3 dds aged 19, 18 and 14. We have an issue with bedrooms.

We have a spacious house with 5 bedrooms, 3 good size bedrooms and 2 much smaller ones.

Dd1 has bedroom 2. Dd2 was in one of the small bedrooms until about 3 years ago when we did up the loft room and moved her up there. She loves it.

Dd3 has started to complain about her small bedroom, much smaller than her sisters. The other issue is that she is ASD and has very sensitive hearing, her bedroom is over the kitchen and she can hear everything.

Dd1 is at uni in our home town so will be home for a while. Dd2 is hopefully going away to uni this year.

I’m thinking of swapping the rooms over then. She’s very reasonable and can see the sense in it. I just want to be as fair as possible to all of them.

The other option is to extend dd3’s room by taking space from the bathroom and our en-suite. Dh thinks a bigger bedroom will add value to the house in the long term.

I would feel a bit bad asking dd2 to give up her room as going away to uni isn’t properly leaving home.

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 27/02/2021 21:16

If one child moves away, I don't think it's unreasonable to move her to a smaller room in favour of someone there permanently. She'll have her own room elsewhere.

Removing an en-suite and making the bathroom smaller - I wouldn't if it leaves one poky bathroom in a five bedroom house.

With the two smaller bedrooms, would one of the older girls swap now if they had a small bedroom plus an office/sitting room/dressing room/walk in wardrobe? (even if the had to give one room up occasionally if you have guests to stay)

Are many people still using the kitchen by the time the 14 year old goes to bed? Or is it a morning issue?

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 27/02/2021 22:01

The kitchen is mainly an issue during lockdown when dd is trying to work in her room. But it’s also when she’s watching Netflix and we’re in the
Kitchen making normal family noise.

We would still have an en suite, it would just be smaller. It’s currently very big so we’d have room to spare. It’s a massive upheaval though and means disrupting 2 perfectly good bathrooms.

OP posts:
Palavah · 27/02/2021 22:05

I'd ask dd 2 if she minds swapping, especially if you can offer her first dibs on the 5th bedroom as a study space when she's home if it's not needed for guests.

Don't make your life difficult with the bathrooms.

Starlightstarbright1 · 27/02/2021 22:10

I wouldn't be doing building work based on the fact dd2 is going away in 6 months.

Would the other spare bedroom not be better.

Can you see how things are as there is only a week of homeschooling.

titchy · 27/02/2021 22:14

At the ages your kids are now, you need to do whatever works best for the house. So if taking a chunk off your en-suite makes the master suite unbalanced don't do it.

Hailtomyteeth · 27/02/2021 22:21

Too late to swap their rooms, unless you move the little one into the master suite and put up with her small room yourself for a few years. Children hate having their rooms filched when they go to university, and to swap just for the sake of it, that would be cruel. Really don't do that.

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 27/02/2021 22:22

The issue is not just the noise. Dd3 hates her small room, she says she feels the walls are closing in on her. I know I’m making her sound spoilt, she’s not, it’s related to her autism.

OP posts:
Grumpasaurus · 27/02/2021 22:25

When I left for uni, mentally I was leaving home for good. I can't remember if I even went back home- I don't think so.

I would imagine DD2 will be happy having a bolt hole at home- she isn't likely to move back in permanently.

DD3 will be there much longer and has a valid reason for wanting an upgrade so to speak.

Mumdiva99 · 27/02/2021 22:32

I agree....ask dd2 if that would suit her. (Or rather start saying now....when you go to Uni we will swap the rooms around......)You aren't kicking her out. You aren't turning her bedroom into a.home gym or any.such nonsense. It just doesn't make sense to have a large room sat empty a lot of the time and another child in a small room. )

Nellythemouse · 27/02/2021 22:35

One of the older ones swaps. I wouldn’t be knocking down walls and rearranging bathrooms over this - apart from anything else I don’t imagine that will help your DD3 with noise either. They’re old enough to understand that DD3 has particular needs due to her ASD, and that they’re going to be at home less and less over next few months/years. They still have a nice room at home.

MixedUpFiles · 27/02/2021 22:38

When I left for uni I switched to the smallest room. It’s perfectly fair and normal.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 27/02/2021 22:40

What is the other bedroom being used as?
Could DD3 move into that one?

luxxlisbon · 27/02/2021 22:40

If there are 5 bedrooms why is the 5th bedroom not an option?
I would look to swap the rooms when the other daughter moves out but I wouldn’t start this now, it’s still a while away and isn’t set in stone that she will go to a uni away yet. If she does get in to her preferred option then there isn’t anything wrong with suggesting she swaps for the smaller room since she won’t be in it often.

WatchWatch · 27/02/2021 22:42

DH had to give up his larger room when he went to uni and I know lots of others who did the same. I think it's perfectly reasonable and normal. We anticipate doing it with our kids in the future and they're 5&2 currently!

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 27/02/2021 22:47

The 5th bedroom is even smaller. Currently used as spare room/guinea pigs/storage etc

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 27/02/2021 22:48

I swapped DD1 and Dd3 rooms over in the 2nd year of Uni. I just did it and told her after. Tbf, she left it looking like a shit tip when she went back to Uni and I decided that she didn't deserve the space!

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 27/02/2021 22:50

Are the 2 small bedrooms beside each other - if so would it be an option to knock down a wall between them? I know it doesn’t help re the sound issue but might stop youngest DD feeling as if the room is closing in on her.

Changedname476 · 27/02/2021 22:52

When your daughter goes away to uni, if she does move out, she's left home. She's 18 +, of her GP and address change.

That's the time to love your youngest into her room. Eldest can have the small room to return to

It's not rocket science, it's about who lives in your home.
Your older Ed who is leaving for uni will no longer be registered living at your home and will an adult ane if you need to move around rooms then , just do it

Changedname476 · 27/02/2021 22:53

*move (not love 🤣)

Whineandwine · 27/02/2021 22:59

@bendmeoverbackwards you sound like a lovely mum thinking about all of your DDs needs. I never had my own room and when I left for uni my sister had to stop mum chucking my bed out to ‘make space’. If your not careful being this nice they’ll never leave!

Whineandwine · 27/02/2021 23:00

*you’re

XelaM · 27/02/2021 23:06

My parents swapped my room with my brother's when I went to uni. I used to have the whole top third floor of the house (one small bedroom, one big room and a bathroom) and my younger brother only had a small single bedroom on the second floor next to my parents' room. It made sense.

MintyMabel · 27/02/2021 23:16

I was DD3 and I got the worst of everything. Smallest rooms, hand me downs etc. When he left home to join the Navy, I asked for his room and was told no, he would absolutely not let me have it. My mum sided with him and it sat empty for 18 months whilst I was cramped in the box room trying to do homework etc It wasn’t til my sister left home that I had a decent room. She offered it to me and even helped me re-decorate. It seriously damaged my relationship with my brother. To this day, I don’t consider him anything more than someone I happen to share blood with. It didn’t help things with my mum either. Just for once, I had hoped she’d put me somewhere other than last. I’m still close with her but it did affect how I saw her.

MintyMabel · 27/02/2021 23:19

*he = my older brother.

Fastestbrownie · 27/02/2021 23:23

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