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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dd2 to swap rooms?

55 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 27/02/2021 21:04

I have 3 dds aged 19, 18 and 14. We have an issue with bedrooms.

We have a spacious house with 5 bedrooms, 3 good size bedrooms and 2 much smaller ones.

Dd1 has bedroom 2. Dd2 was in one of the small bedrooms until about 3 years ago when we did up the loft room and moved her up there. She loves it.

Dd3 has started to complain about her small bedroom, much smaller than her sisters. The other issue is that she is ASD and has very sensitive hearing, her bedroom is over the kitchen and she can hear everything.

Dd1 is at uni in our home town so will be home for a while. Dd2 is hopefully going away to uni this year.

I’m thinking of swapping the rooms over then. She’s very reasonable and can see the sense in it. I just want to be as fair as possible to all of them.

The other option is to extend dd3’s room by taking space from the bathroom and our en-suite. Dh thinks a bigger bedroom will add value to the house in the long term.

I would feel a bit bad asking dd2 to give up her room as going away to uni isn’t properly leaving home.

OP posts:
TheCatWithTheFluffyTail · 27/02/2021 23:23

Could you knock the two smaller rooms into one or else give them both to DD3 so she has one to sleep in and the other with a tv and sofa to make it a private area for her to relax in?

Puzzledtenant · 27/02/2021 23:27

Or could you move dd3 to a bigger room more suitable for her and give the 2 smallest to the other dad's and they could share the remaining larger bedroom as a study/walk in wardrobe/chill area?

SionnachGlic · 27/02/2021 23:39

I would room swap rooms rather than do the building alteration, unless of course it is a job you have wanted to do anyway. I don't think it is at all unreasonable...I am sure DD1 wouldn't mind...I wouldn't have at that age..

Linning · 27/02/2021 23:54

My room was given off to my DB2 as soon as I moved out (aged 16). It made sense he had it and I don’t mind him having it but visiting “home” (it doesn’t feel like home for many reasons but me not having any space to myself once there definitely participate in that feeling) is weird.

I don’t consider it my room anymore, it’s his and I am glad he has it but I think there is something about parents giving your room away as soon as you move out. I would personally have said yes to my brother having the room but I wasn’t asked. So I would ask, and maybe let her decorate whichever box room she will have once she comes home from uni so it feels like hers and since you say she is sensible. It likely won’t be an issue at all.

happinessischocolate · 28/02/2021 08:31

My dd has a bigger bedroom than me and when she goes away to uni I will be swapping into the big room, she knows and understands this. However she did used to be in the smaller room so moving back won't stop her smaller bedroom from feeling like home.

It's interesting that many have said that their bedroom being given away stopped them from feeling like it was their home.

Maybe with this in mind it may be an idea to ask them to swap at the beginning of the summer so that DD gets the feel of the smaller room being her bedroom. Although personally I think that once you move out it's really hard to go back regardless of rooms and furniture, for me, being back under my parents roof drive me bonkers, I'm grateful they allows me back for a bit though.

Imapotato · 28/02/2021 08:42

I’ll probably swap dd1 and DD2s bedrooms over when dd1 goes to uni in a couple of years. I think it’s fair that the one who is there full time gets the bigger room.

Mumdiva99 · 28/02/2021 08:49

@Fastestbrownie

I've never been able to. My kid's bedrooms are all exactly how they left them, and they will remain that way because they will always have a home here. Hard to have a home somewhere if everything that makes it a home has been stripped away.
She isn't stripping it away. She's still letting dd2 have a bedroom with her own stuff in, wardrobe and draws etc.....just a smaller one.

For the person that says once you go to Uni you have left home.....you really haven't. You might be at Uni for term time but home for the rest of the time - we weren't allowed to stay in halls over the holidays it wasn't an option. So I was away 33 weeks and home 19 weeks of the year....

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 28/02/2021 11:36

Thank you all for your helpful comments.

Thank you @Whineandwine for you lovely words, my older two have already informed me that they have no intention of moving out permanently any time soon Grin

I DO want to tread carefully and be fair, I have good relationships with all 3 and I want it to stay that way.

I think the mistake we made was to move dd2 into her nice big room a few years ago without any thought to dd3. Perhaps at that point we should have thought a few years ahead. At the time I was conscious I wanted to avoid dd2 being the overlooked middle child. Both my older two put up with a lot of rubbish as a result of dd3's autism and they are both wonderfully patient and supportive.

Uni is a funny one - yes they have left but are still back for a good proportion of the year. But that said, it does seem unfair to leave a large bedroom unused so maybe a room swap is the thing to do then.

I'm not sure I can face the upheaval of the building work and having both bathrooms disrupted while they do the work....

OP posts:
MixedUpFiles · 02/03/2021 14:10

Part of the reason older siblings get the better rooms is that they relinquish them as they age so the younger siblings get a turn. If they keep the rooms forever, it’s a very unfair system.

Notaroadrunner · 02/03/2021 15:09

Any chance the small rooms are beside one another? That way you'd only need to cut a doorway/arch between the 2 and let her have both rooms - one for bed and the other for dressing table/desk etc. If that's not an option then I wouldnt hesitate to switch rooms once the older dd goes to uni. While she may assume she will want to live at home for years to come, I'd say that could change once she gets the taste of freedom while living away.

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 02/03/2021 15:47

Nope unfortunately the 2 small rooms are not next to each other, separated by the stairs.

OP posts:
sarahphimanellahim · 02/03/2021 16:12

When I went away to uni, I gave up my large bedroom to my brother. My eldest daughter has known for years that when she goes to uni next year, she will also swap her bedroom over with her younger sister.

Even though I swapped rooms, my parents house was still home. Maybe it was because I was allowed to redecorate my new room. I had told DD1 that she can redecorate hers when she goes to Uni too. We'll either do it in the summer before she goes, or for when she returns at Christmas - but she'll choose the decor and furniture.

I think to keep an empty room is unfair on the children left behind.

The other option is whether your DD2 can have two bedrooms? Or could you swap DD3 and 1? Eg DD1 gets the two small rooms (one to sleep in and one to study / relax in) that's all hers and DD3 gets DD1s room?

sarahphimanellahim · 02/03/2021 16:23

DD1 did try protesting the room swap once. I said I was very prepared to listen to her arguments, but she needed to put forward her reasons why the room should sit empty for 30 weeks of the year and what we should do in her absence.

In the end she agreed that she couldn't come up with a decent reason. She's now happy with the swap (and a room redesign!)

Clymene · 02/03/2021 16:29

It is absurd that children get bigger rooms according to birth order. It should be based on need. Your youngest needs a space away from the noise. Either your eldest or your middle child will have to move. Draw straws to see who it will be.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/03/2021 16:35

Can I ask what the layout of the 5 bedrooms is please? Would you be able to knock through from one of the 2 smaller rooms and make a smaller study/walk in wardrobe like space and a slightly bigger bedroom or does the floor layout not allow for that?

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 02/03/2021 16:44

Thank you all, this is all really helpful.

As I have said, my older two are very reasonable. It does make sense for dd3 to have dd2's big loft room with en suite shower room - it's much quieter for her up there and she will have her own bathroom which will avoid the bathroom fights.

We're now considering them all swapping rooms! Dd1 has had a big room for the longest time so she could move into the smallest room. Dd2 moves into dd1's room leaving dd3 to have the big loft room. With the smallest room we will probably reconfigure the fitted furniture to give a bit more floor space. We've said that whoever ends up in there can decorate it as they like. Will be a hell of a lot cheaper than doing the building work!

OP posts:
Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 02/03/2021 16:46

Wouldn't work @LookItsMeAgain the 2 small bedrooms are away from each other. The only way to increase the space in dd3's room is to knock through to the bathroom next door and borrow space from our (large) ensuite. It would mean both the ensuite and family bathrooms would be a bit smaller but increase the size of the bedroom. A lot of upheaval though.

OP posts:
Clymene · 02/03/2021 17:57

That sounds like a good plan. As you may have guessed, I am not the eldest in my family Grin

I always had to share with my younger sister and never got my own room. It always seemed massively unfair to me that my eldest sister always got a room to herself just because she was born before I was.

notdaddycool · 02/03/2021 18:09

Offer to pay a terms rent at uni for her, it's cheaper than the building work (although technically it suggests it's her property which it isn't). She knows what it's like to have a small room and she's had the best one for a period, it's not unreasonable to ask her to swap, it's how you do it.

MoreHairyThanScary · 02/03/2021 18:38

Could dd1 have the smallest bedroom and then the 5th bedroom as a study ( unless guests come round) which might free up space and make the room feel bigger?

mainsfed · 02/03/2021 18:46

Why would you move DD1 into the smallest room?! She will be home.

Windinmyhair · 02/03/2021 18:56

I wouldn't move them all around, DD1 presumably is studying and spending quite a bit of time in hers... unless what @MoreHairyThanScary said is possible - that she can have a desk in another room.

Unless you give DD1 & 3 the larger bedrooms and DD2 the smallest whilst she is away. Summers might be long, but she won't be doing as much studying etc and after year 1 she might even stay at uni over the summer!

RandomMess · 02/03/2021 19:01

I would definitely clear out the smallest room too so DD2 can make use of both the small rooms. You could use part of the huge loft room for long term/little used storage as that would rarely disturb DD3.

spanieleyes · 02/03/2021 19:19

It's like musical chairs in my house! We have 3 rooms, one large en-suite with shower, one larger but no en-suite and one small. I have the largest because the en-suite just has a shower and the main bathroom has bath- which I prefer- and shower too. So eldest DS had en-suite room and younger DS had smallest. Then eldest DS went off to university and youngest moved into the en-suite room and eldest had the smallest room when he came back for holidays. Then youngest DS went off to uni too and eldest moved back into en-suite room during holidays. Then BOTH moved back home and went back into original rooms, eldest has now moved out and youngest has moved back into larger room.
I've stayed put!

Nacreous · 02/03/2021 19:26

I wouldn't move your daughter who is at home all the time into the smallest room.

I think this depends where they are off to uni and what sort of person they are. I was home 28 weeks a year while I was at uni as I never lived in a rented house, always halls and I used to come back mid term time. My brother left and came back for a few weeks in first year but wasn't back longer than a week or two after that. It made sense for me to keep my room but doesn't make sense to keep his only for his use.