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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The longer you wait to have another child

68 replies

Sunshine3013 · 27/02/2021 00:42

I had my twins when I was 25. I'm now 31 and when I think of having another one it feels like starting all over again.
My girls are in full time school.. And I work from home full time... But I feel the older they get the more freedom comes with it in regards to lifestyle versus when you have a baby/toddler.

My husband wants us to have another in a few years and I just feel the longer it's been since I've had the twins the less I desire another. It just feels like starting all over again!

Anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 27/02/2021 00:45

YANBU. You don't HAVE to you know!

I wouldn't. If I had twins...two kids...then I wouldn't want more.

Not with a gap like that. You'll end up with one child with no close sibling.

passthemustard · 27/02/2021 00:46

Yeah. I had my 2nd when my first was 3.5. And my 3rd when my 2nd was 3. And my 4th when my 3rd was 4 and my 5th when my 4th 8. All in all I've been having kids for 19 years and it sucks

SezziBaybee · 27/02/2021 00:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

HensTeeth44 · 27/02/2021 00:51

Our DS is 7 and the desire for more gets less and less with every year that passes. We always thought we wouldn't be happy with 1 child before we had him, but actually, it's great! Like you, I just can't imagine now going back to bottles and nappies and weaning!!

So YADNBU to feel this way. Do what feels right for you, not what is expected by society.

Nellythemouse · 27/02/2021 01:10

I always said once the first goes to school, I’m done, I won’t want to go all the way back to the beginning again. If I wasn’t pregnant by then we weren’t having another. In the end we have a gap of 3.5 years, which worked well for us. And they’re both now at school and the idea of another baby with all the morning sickness and birth and feeding and nappies and prams and naps and toddlerness just brings me out in cold terror.

TheRedBalloon · 27/02/2021 01:32

10 year gap between my two. It's easier in some ways but physically much harder second time around ime. I was lucky to have a girl then a boy so felt no desire for any more apart from going madly broody when I turned 40,begged DH to have his snip reversed - I'm glad he didn't now though 😂

Holirem2 · 27/02/2021 01:34

A few years? Why does your husband want to wait a few more years?
Sorry OP but your gap is currently quite big I feel the same and my DS is 6 too.

Original poster

Sunshine3013 · 27/02/2021 01:41

@Holirem2 because we couldn't have one now. I'm in the middle of writing a book and we're in the middle of building our home.. So it would be another year or two. The other thought that came to my mind was if we did have another, wait until my girls are 10, I'll be 35 so still young enough and then have another when they will be able to be more involved. I'm confused about it to be honest. But as I said the more years that pass the more I feel terrified of going back to square one!

OP posts:

ReefTeeth · 27/02/2021 01:43

I have almost 5 years between my 2 and it was a shock going back and dd2 was such an easy baby (and dd1 so helpful!).

A friend who had twins was very tempted to go for a 3rd when her DT were 5 as she wanted to experience a singleton .

I think it would be unfair on your dc3 to have such a gap between their older siblings who are likely to be very close to each other as it is.

Original poster

Sunshine3013 · 27/02/2021 01:47

Yes we would have to have two close together. So it's either stick with just my girls or have two more unless we had twins again which is a possibility as they run in my family.

OP posts:

Holirem2 · 27/02/2021 01:53

Ahhh I see. I agree with the other poster you have twins and I bet they both have a great bond I don’t think I would do it and the fact that they are twins I would be slightly worried the 3rd wouldn’t really fit in as they will be quite close as twins.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 27/02/2021 01:54

I had six years between mine. Yes it does feel a bit like starting over again. You start to take a lot of your new little freedoms for granted, and then they are snatched away. Plus I was much more tired the second time around. I wouldn’t change it for anything though.

Fuckadoodledoooo · 27/02/2021 05:33

I've got an 18 year old, a 7 year old and a baby
It's fine.

NotMyDayJob · 27/02/2021 05:48

I have twin siblings, although I'm the elder by 8 years. With an age gap I wouldn't have more, it was actually lonely, and I always felt left out, it was like being an only child but none of the benefits

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/02/2021 06:04

I wouldn’t.

GiveMeNovocain · 27/02/2021 06:08

I have an only child. It's lovely. Having 4 is a big leap from 2. Your body, your choice.

FortunesFave · 27/02/2021 06:16

@Sunshine3013

Yes we would have to have two close together. So it's either stick with just my girls or have two more unless we had twins again which is a possibility as they run in my family.

I honestly wouldn't bank on being able to have two over the age of 35.

Jellypolies · 27/02/2021 06:32

But what if you have one baby then try for another and have twins again? Would you be happy with 5 dc? This is the pattern that runs in my family so it is possible.

ivykaty44 · 27/02/2021 06:37

I would say that the larger the age gap the more impact on not just your life, but family life & your twins. I’m not suggesting it’s negative but things would change for everyone.

I have a 6 year gap and for me that was enough, they are now close but weren’t for years and the family time definitely changes

bertieb7 · 27/02/2021 06:40

Just to add another perspective, my younger brother was 9 when my sister was born (and I was 12). He was the happiest surprise my parents always say. It was a different relationship to begin with, we helped look after the new baby rather than the typical sibling bond but fast forward 20 years, we are very very close, she is a friend and don't even notice the age gap now! It has been that way for a few years. I don't know the feeling from her perspective but as one of the older children it was great,

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 27/02/2021 07:18

I had two DDs with a 20mpnth gap. From when DD2 was 1 until she was 3yo, I was really broody. We even did some light TTC. Once she was 3.5 and in my head she would be at school before a baby was born, my broodiness dried up. DH had the snip when she was 5 (and DD2 was 7). We liked having two slightly older children and doing stuff like skiing and camping without worrying about a baby or toddler. They are good friends and close. I also see how the dynamic changes when their cousin is around (often for a portion of each school holiday).
But it's a personal decision. Many people do have large age gaps and like it.

Everydaydragon · 27/02/2021 07:24

I wouldnt. I have 2 dds with a 3yr gap. My dh was desperate for twins and the idea horrified me. Now the eldest is nearly 6 I think maybe it would have been okay to have had them both together and have 3 years of hell instead of the dramas the gap brings but if I'd had twins theres no way I'd have gone again

Changesorter · 27/02/2021 07:27

Nope!
Because I suffered horribly from birth trauma and postnatal depression we waited 4 years. They are now 9 and 13. The age gap between them is too big. They have nothing in common

Also you may be technically young enough but having a baby at 35 is totally different from 25. It means you still have dependents on you when you're in your late 40s and early 50s
I have come to regret that now that we're both knocking on the door of 50 and we still have one at primary school. My husbands health is poor and were beginning to find the responsibilities of aging parents and things are coming our way. I sometimes wish the kids were older so we had some semblance of our freedoms back before that happens

Wishing14 · 27/02/2021 07:30

Age is a number, I’m 1.5 years apart from my sister and not close at all. You could have children 10 years apart who are extremely close. I don’t agree with the comments that you’d ‘have’ to have two more close in age. They might love being the baby of the family with two much older siblings to look up to. Also I tend to find whatever the age gap their are pros and cons, people tend to think they picked the ‘right’ one because that’s how the human brain works.

bigvig · 27/02/2021 07:34

I have quite a big age gap - 8 years. You do lose your freedom again but I found second time around much easier. The older child helped entertain the youngest so I didn't have to do all the playing! As they get older I can also see advantages. I will have one left at home when the other disappears to uni. We don't have to pay two lots of uni costs at once. The gap wasn't designed, I just couldn't face another one when the oldest was a baby and then once the toddler years came I wanted to enjoy them fully without another child to look after. Do what seems right to you. You've got twins and it doesn't sound like you're keen on another.

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