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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The longer you wait to have another child

68 replies

Sunshine3013 · 27/02/2021 00:42

I had my twins when I was 25. I'm now 31 and when I think of having another one it feels like starting all over again.
My girls are in full time school.. And I work from home full time... But I feel the older they get the more freedom comes with it in regards to lifestyle versus when you have a baby/toddler.

My husband wants us to have another in a few years and I just feel the longer it's been since I've had the twins the less I desire another. It just feels like starting all over again!

Anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
Cam77 · 27/02/2021 07:47

@ReefTeeth
I think it would be unfair on your dc3 to have such a gap between their older siblings who are likely to be very close to each other as it is.

Yeah, but Existing (and in an extremely safe,affluent nation) isn’t bad compensation.

alahbbbb · 27/02/2021 07:50

I had my two close together on purpose to get through the combined baby stage as quickly as possible. Personally I wouldn't want to get a bit of freedom back with the kids being older and go back to square 1 again as it were. However a good friend has purposely spread hers with several years between them and that suits her. Different things work for different people.

Cam77 · 27/02/2021 07:51

Do whatever you want. Every individual and family’s circumstances are different. I wouldn’t think about it as “starting over” though. The goal of life is surely just to have as enjoyable time as possible in our limited time on Earth. Would another baby/child/person increase or decrease the joy in your and your family’s life? That’s basically the only consideration.

Odile13 · 27/02/2021 07:52

I’m kind of surprised you think you have to have another two close together. I don’t think big age gaps are a huge deal. I also don’t think you have to provide another almost same age playmate for your children. There are 5 years between my sister and I and we’re best friends.

Whoopsies · 27/02/2021 07:57

Totally fine to not want more, twins or not! I have a 6 year age gap between my two and I love it, no juggling the older one and baby, if anything he's an extra pair of hands to help and now that they are 7 and 18 months they are best friends. I want a third, but we won't because I would want to do it again sooner and I don't want to ruin the relationship my two have together

Treehops · 27/02/2021 08:19

I have 3 brothers, all younger (mixup family, details too outing!) and am close to the youngest, about a 10yr age gap. At that age I was around to help out in the day. Also, the 4th kid balanced things out nicely for us all. He never slept though, my poor mum shudders about it now. And she was younger than you are now. I have one, 7, and he would like a sibling he says but I was really rough the first time around, crawling from bed to bathroom all day - not sure I could do it again. Also, we tried for over a year for 2nd when I was pre 35 and it took 14m (and I lost it). I don't think my body wants to do it again!

Treehops · 27/02/2021 08:22

I will say though, anything less than a 4yr age gap made me shudder. I needed mine to be old enough to do it again. Now he's older I recognise that he's a handful in himself and though I'm sure we'd cope, he hasn't grown out of a lot of things I presumed he would, he's an intense kiddo. In a lot of ways I'm glad 1 is where we're at.

ChancesWhatChances · 27/02/2021 08:25

There’s an 8 year age gap between mine, I found going back to the baby stage incredibly tough and overwhelming but the toddler stage is a hundred times easier. I’ve more patience, I feel more confident as a mum, I’m able to deal with behaviours and situations better (thanks to the experience of older DC). Down sides are DC not playing together, not forming as close a bond and older DC did feel a bit pushed to the side when younger DC came along due to youngest being a very difficult baby

Thesagacontinues · 27/02/2021 08:29

I had one at 23, and my second at 29.

We wanted the second but it was (and still is) a big shock to be back in the baby and toddler years. I didnt realise it would be this hard and will definitely never do this again.

The boys are 8 and 2 now and are crazy about each other - probably helps though that the 8 year old is a little bit immature and the 2 years old acts like an adult.

I feel like I've aged about 10 years in the last 2 years - but pnd and covid-19 are probably partly to blame for this too.

Iliketeaagain · 27/02/2021 08:31

I have an 8 year age gap between mine.. lots of people judged, said the gap was too big etc and assume no 2 was an accident. She wasn't, it just took a long time to get pregnant, compared to some of my extended family and friends who planned to get pregnant almost to the month and were successful each time.

I think those who judge large gaps just were lucky to get pregnant with the age gap they wanted, and unfortunately you can't buy one in the supermarket when you decide the "perfect age gap"

YANBU either way you choose. Although, if dc 1 had been twins, I'd have been delighted with a BOGOF 😁 and not worried about trying to go through pregnancy and birth again!

And despite the gap, my 2 absolutely adore each other, and there is also the benefit of me being able to trust the older to play with the younger for a little while if I'm making dinner.

Oooohbehave · 27/02/2021 08:33

@passthemustard

Yeah. I had my 2nd when my first was 3.5. And my 3rd when my 2nd was 3. And my 4th when my 3rd was 4 and my 5th when my 4th 8. All in all I've been having kids for 19 years and it sucks
Why have 5 kids then? Confused
AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight · 27/02/2021 08:39

We had our third when our older two were 10 and 8 and they utterly adore her. It's been wonderful. (And she is quite intense in terms of needing play time, which might have been different had she had a sibling around her age - which she won't -, but quite frankly I think it's a ridiculous idea to feel obliged to have another just to give a child a close-in-age playmate). BUT that's not the key thing here. The key thing is, do you want to go back to that stage of your life? I never minded any of that back-to-square-one stuff. Some do, and that renders (IMO) any thoughts around the relationship of the siblings among themselves irrelevant.

Youllbeoldertoo · 27/02/2021 08:50

We knew if we didn’t have our close together we wouldn’t do it! I totally get what you mean, it sounds like your husband doesn’t actually want anymore. If your kids are in schools and your in your 30s and wants to wait a few more years sounds like he doesn’t want more.

Wibblewobble99 · 27/02/2021 09:18

Were hopefully about to do it all again with 4.5 years between. It’s a larger gap than we would have like but despite our best efforts we just didn’t fall pregnant til last month. I have lots of the same worries but I desperately didn’t want my DD to be an only child and my desire for a second outweighed my concerns. Mostly! I feel your situation is a bit different as you already have your twins and 10 years is a much bigger difference. I do have some friends who had two close together then a third with 9 year gap. They were so concerned about the third being in effect an only child they had a forth!

Insert1x20p · 27/02/2021 09:33

In theory there are definite advantages to small and big age gaps, but at the same time, it's perfectly legitimate to have an intense preference for one or the other, and also for your desire for another child to be greater or less than your desire for a certain age gap. I have 2 who are 22 months apart (so pretty close but not extreme- dsis and I are

Muskox · 27/02/2021 09:44

I couldn't do it OP! The idea of going back to nappies, baby groups and sleepless nights just when everything has become so much easier doesn't appeal. I'd stick at two in your position.

oohmyback · 27/02/2021 09:44

I had my 3rd at the end of the first term my second had started school. It was hard going back to baby days! If I'd left it any longer I don't think we'd have had a 3rd.

But then I would have been sad not to have had another!

Original poster
Sunshine3013 · 27/02/2021 09:56

@Youllbeoldertoo why do you say it sounds like my husband doesn't want more? Bizzare thing to say. He is the one who told me he does. We are only early 30s! We still have a while to go if we did decide to have more!

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 27/02/2021 09:59

Twins run in my family, so I've looked into the stats.

More likely if:

  • older
  • already had kids
  • taller
  • heavier

Obviously the older I get the more likely it is, I'm tall, a little overweight. I'm doing one pregnancy and that's it. Our preferred number of kids is 2, then 1, then much lower down, 3. So if we had one first time we wouldn't want to risk twins the second time. Twins is our only chance of two.

But both of us come from big age gap families. Fourteen year gap between me and my brother, so my mum was doing the school run for 28 years. Twelve years between my husband and his brother. Makes me shudder to think about it.

Original poster
Sunshine3013 · 27/02/2021 10:03

My twins actually would love a sibling they constantly ask for a baby at home.

I have 6 years between me and my brother and 15 years between me and my sister and they both adored me when I was a baby. I'm not too worried about an age gap. My husbands aunt has purposely had one every 10 years one at 20, 30 and 43 and the elder kids help in the home and with the littler ones.

Seems to work well for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine3013 · 27/02/2021 10:04

I'm more concerned about returning to baby phase. But then again I started my journey to motherhood as a mother of twins... A singleton would be a breeze 🙂

OP posts:
Chimeraforce · 27/02/2021 10:07

You'll still have dependents at 50 plus them hitting puberty will meet with you hitting menopause. Biology is a bitch. Also elderly parents becoming needy and your kid needing financial support through college or uni.
I'd advise kids in your 20s to space out the baggage.

SparkyTheCat · 27/02/2021 10:17

Well those who judge big age gaps would have a field day with my DH's family, where there's 16 (yes sixteen) years between the oldest and youngest siblings. Everyone seems to rub along fine, though.

Fuckadoodledoooo · 27/02/2021 10:18

@Chimeraforce

You'll still have dependents at 50 plus them hitting puberty will meet with you hitting menopause. Biology is a bitch. Also elderly parents becoming needy and your kid needing financial support through college or uni. I'd advise kids in your 20s to space out the baggage.
Well in an ideal world.

I'll have an 18 year old when I'm 58..... I'm 40 with an 18 year old and he can be an absolute pain in the rear - the worries and problems get far more complex as they get older. My baby and younger child are a breeze compared to the teenage years. So I'm not envisaging being 50+ with one teenage girl and another 6 years younger to deal with.

But what should I have done? My eldests dad left me when he was 8. He didn't want anymore children so we didn't have anymore together. When I met my now husband I was 32 and we did want more abs a series of miscarriages meant I have a 6 year gap in between my two youngest. I didn't ever envisage having a baby at 40, but life doesn't work out the way you'd like sometimes.

Fuckadoodledoooo · 27/02/2021 10:19

@SparkyTheCat 18 years between my oldest and youngest! It's lovely to be honest.

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