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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blame myself for marrying him?

61 replies

Oldat40 · 26/02/2021 22:59

I married my son's dad when I was 24. He turned out to be an extremely abusive narcissist. He was awarded 50/50 shared care when kids just 3 and 6 despite all of my valid concerns. Seven years on and both boys are really suffering as am I. They both have insecure attachment styles.
But ateotd it's my own stupid fault for marrying him, right?

OP posts:
Thehop · 26/02/2021 23:00

Can you report concerns to social services? Can you go back to court?

Thehop · 26/02/2021 23:00

But no

It’s not your fault he’s a prick

tenlittlecygnets · 26/02/2021 23:01

Of course it's not. If you think the ex should not see the dc, then see a solicitor and see what they say.

It's not your fault if he was abusive, or a dick.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 26/02/2021 23:01

Of course not, but surely the question to ask is: is there anything you can do to reduce contact if he's damaging them?

Hankunamatata · 26/02/2021 23:11

The past is the past. You cant change it. What you can chnage is now.

DrManhattan · 26/02/2021 23:27

Give yourself a break. It is what it is. Just do what you can. At least your kids have got you

Lollypop701 · 26/02/2021 23:32

It’s not your behaviour that’s the issue so no it’s not your fault. We all make mistakes as we grow, that’s what younger years are for unfortunately you have to continue to deal with the fallout from yours. Now your kids are reasonable age they can ask for no contact.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 27/02/2021 00:08

@Lollypop701 My eldest (13) told me the other day when I collected him from his dad's that I'm a "total f'ing c* and that he never wants to see me again." This was in front of his dad as per usual. When we got home he was his usual polite self.
Ex won't agree that eldest needs therapy and so nothing I can do to help him.
I let my kids down by leaving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldat40 · 27/02/2021 00:11

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom Back to court yet again (he keeps taking me) as he wants me to see them just EOW. Punishment for leaving him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldat40 · 27/02/2021 00:12

I've had to use my divorce settlement to pay a solicitor. Now can't afford to buy a house.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 27/02/2021 00:23

I suspect that you yourself have an anxious attachment style. This makes you believe that everything is your fault. It's why people with this attachment style stay in abusive relationships: they try to change things about themselves, endlessly, and it doesn't work because they are not the one who needs to change. So they just suffer in ever increasing circles.

What they need to do is learn that they are not to blame, and take responsibility for moving towards a healthier situation. They need to recognise that blame doesn't matter, and what does matter is moving away from things that make you unhappy, towards things that make you happy.

That's what you need to do. Every minute you spend blaming yourself, kicking yourself for your perceived faults, is a minute you did not spend focussing on a happier future for you and your boys.

Your attachment style is not your fault. Your attachment style is what makes you think you're at fault.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 27/02/2021 00:41

@Eckhart You're correct. I have a fiancé now who has stuck by me despite all of my efforts to "test" him by pushing him away. I am scared to love because loving just ends up causing so much pain.

I feel my MH now means I am a terrible mother.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 27/02/2021 09:15

Sounds like you need some counselling.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 27/02/2021 12:26

@Eckhart Ive tried but nothing available on the NHS currently and can't afford to go private Sad

OP posts:
Eckhart · 27/02/2021 12:34

Then read. Read books and blogs and websites about self validation, boundaries, attachment styles. Make it a mission to learn about what's going wrong to cause you to think in this way.

I suspect your main problem is that you think there's something wrong with you. I had that mindset for a long time, too. The truth is, there isn't anything wrong with me, and, in recognising and accepting that, I had to take reponsibility for my life and my happiness. It was fucking terrifying. And enormously liberating. And actually involved very few tangible differences in life! In other words, you probably don't have to do much, you just have to find a way to think differently.

I would bet £1000 that there's nothing wrong with you, and I don't even know you. And, in fact, even those people who do have something wrong with them, but the confidence to be themselves, are in a better place psychologically. So I guess that's the key.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 28/02/2021 09:38

@Eckhart Thanks. I've read a lot of Lundy Bancroft re narcissism and have identified his behaviours - a tick for virtually every one.

But I'm told time and time again by the "professionals" that parental conflict is damaging to our kids which I totally agree with. Especially as it is 50/50 we have to work together.

That means doing what he says or we will never get anywhere and there will be more anger directed towards me.

Perhaps I should have been more compliant in our marriage and put my wishes and feelings to one side to keep the peace?

OP posts:
Backtoschool101 · 28/02/2021 09:47

Op. You Hve posted about this before and were told you dont need to use a solicitor to represent yourself in court. I agree he is a bastard but in the kindsst way you need to pull yourself together. Use the money you woukd have used for a solicitor and get some counciling. Stop 'blaming' yourself for marrying him or leaving him. The other day you had a thread about your current partner. Im being cruel to be kind but pull yourself together fpr your kids. If you want them to be strong then act like it because they will be like their father because thats the only perspnality they see. They see you moping about in self pity instead of standing up for yourself and they see theor dad on a power trip and will copy him. You were given so much advice the other day.

Backtoschool101 · 28/02/2021 09:47

Sorry about my spelling. Broken keypad on phone

Eckhart · 28/02/2021 11:50

Perhaps I should have been more compliant in our marriage and put my wishes and feelings to one side to keep the peace

But this would not have kept the peace. This would have meant that your children were being raised as per a narcissist's mindset, with no concept of what a healthy household looked liked, in which people respect each other's feelings.

You now have the opportunity to demonstrate that household, where you respect yourself and respect each other. Do that. Mum's household can be very different from Dad's household.

Why do they have to witness any conflict?

user1936784158962 · 28/02/2021 11:56

Your kids would be in a far, far worse state if you hadn't left.

There is no amount of compliance you can offer an abuser that stops them from abusing or stops their abuse from causing damage.

Blaming yourself gives you back a sense of control that you don't have elsewhere in your life, but it's not constructive.

Eckhart · 28/02/2021 11:59

There is no amount of compliance you can offer an abuser that stops them from abusing or stops their abuse from causing damage

This this this.

Otherwise people would be able to control their abusers.

Stonecrop · 28/02/2021 12:07

Op I don’t agree your main problem is you, your main problem is clearly your bastard ex husband manipulating your kids x

Original poster
Oldat40 · 28/02/2021 14:48

But what do I do about this (just one example)...?

It was recommended by the courts that we attend family therapy (myself and my fiancé, my ex and his partner).

I took my time researching all of the options here, and then emailed my ex regarding costings (this is of course not available on the NHS), service providers etc. Was really polite and open as I always try to be. Courts have said this therapy is key moving forward.

I receive an email in response saying no, HE will look into service providers (when he has the time) and get back to me.

This is just ONE example of his constant control. How am I supposed to work with him in the best interests of our children? Or do I just bow down to what he wants as per?

I am worn out.

OP posts:
givemesteel · 28/02/2021 15:37

I am divorcing a covert narcissist currently. I am constantly being blind sided by his selfishness and manipulativeness. Every time I give an inch he takes a mile.

The only thing you can do in this situation is hold the line and fight for what your kids need. If it is possible move so that contact is logistically difficult so he'll probably give up after the few months.

I blame myself too for getting myself in this mess as I didn't see his true colours. But we are where we are and our kids deserve better than to be scre up by their awful fathers.

Porcupineintherough · 28/02/2021 16:02

Perhaps I should have been more compliant in our marriage and put my wishes and feelings to one side to keep the peace?

Yeah, absolutely, why didnt you? Hmm

I'm the child of a narcissist and I recognize a lot of my mother in you. Other than being told no, it's not your fault, what do you want from this thread?

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