To blame myself for marrying him?

[Oldat40]

I married my son's dad when I was 24. He turned out to be an extremely abusive narcissist. He was awarded 50/50 shared care when kids just 3 and 6 despite all of my valid concerns. Seven years on and both boys are really suffering as am I. They both have insecure attachment styles.
But ateotd it's my own stupid fault for marrying him, right?

So ask your son? What eckhart is saying is you need to get your mind out of victim mode because it is eating away at you. If he sees you arent his victim any more he will slowly give up. Hes doing it because he knows its hurting you. You are playing right into his hand.

You need to soeak to your kids. Tell them how much you love them. Give extra extra interests in what they are doing and school and stop focusing on what has happened with the ex. Concentrate on your relationship with the kids. At the moment they are watching you and thinking thats how women should be/treated and watching their dad thinking thats how a man behaves. Put on a brave face and dont let your kids see these things. You said you should have covered and pretended qhen you were married. Well why not do that now. For your kids sake. Nothing to do with him.

You keep posting the same things OP. There are clearly issues on both sides.

You need to focus on you and your relationship with your children instead of being almost obsessed with everything your ex does that you don't agree with.

This obsession is most likely contributing to your kids' mental confusion and frustration. You can't control touex' actions but you can control tours and if you can make your relationship with your kids better and stop blaming your ex for everything, it will massively benefit them.

[quote Oldat40]@Eckhart How can I make change when I have to coparent with someone who hates me and won't work with me.

I have a Year 6 son and today everyone has found out their secondary places. Except me of course. Ex won't even tell me that.[/quote]
What do you want to hear? That you can't make a change?

OK. For the 3rd time: YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR EX'S BEHAVIOUR. YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MINDSET. Which bit of that are you having trouble understanding?

OP, you can't change the past. But emotionally detaching from this means you can move forward. Why have you not given school your contact details for communication?

If you have evidence of him refusing to accept your choice of therapy then use that in court to prove he won't co-parent properly. I'd refuse therapy with him as you left due to abuse and noone should be forcing you to attend joint therapy with an abuser.

Reading all of the posts, the frustration from other people is clear so take some of the very good advice and use it. Stop making excuses, you have your fiancé in your corner. Fight for your kids and model a healthy relationship for them.

I'm with Eckhart on this. It's a cliche to say that living well is the best revenge, but it's true. Focus on cultivating a loving, joyful relationship with your boys - your ex can't take that away from you.

@Oldat40 you can do the freedom program online. I remember you writing under your other username. You really do need to stop focussing on the fact you can’t buy a house. Stop focusing on what you can’t change, and try to focus on what you can.

@LucyMaxwellDM Yes I might have to go for that option. My counsellor really wanted me to go on one f2f as she feels it would be of far more benefit but I can't get time off work. So thanks, will try to get a place on the online one x

@Eckhart

Then read. Read books and blogs and websites about self validation, boundaries, attachment styles. Make it a mission to learn about what's going wrong to cause you to think in this way.

I suspect your main problem is that you think there's something wrong with you. I had that mindset for a long time, too. The truth is, there isn't anything wrong with me, and, in recognising and accepting that, I had to take reponsibility for my life and my happiness. It was fucking terrifying. And enormously liberating. And actually involved very few tangible differences in life! In other words, you probably don't have to do much, you just have to find a way to think differently.

I would bet £1000 that there's nothing wrong with you, and I don't even know you. And, in fact, even those people who do have something wrong with them, but the confidence to be themselves, are in a better place psychologically. So I guess that's the key.

I hope you pay lots of attention to this one post. Change the way you think. 100%.

When I was dealing with a N I had to seek out people who understood the impact of that particular type of personality. I also read voraciously. I learnt tools and Coping mechanisms. I applied those in every N scenario I was going through. Claimed back my sanity snd stopped communicating with him in a way that suited his tendencies. Even the way I looked at him rattled the F out of him.

I keep a respectful but extremely distant relationship with that person now due to kids. He is not the thorn he used to be.

I do get flashbacks, the smirks, gaslighting, EA, it’s all very painful but I’m free now.

Also, look at the kids situation this way. He is their father and the UK is very strong on the equality of parental child rights so naturally courts will favour a fair visitation schedule. If you have concerns visit your gp, start to research how you can begin to shift the contact. Don’t do it quickly and start keeping a locked diary of your kids behaviour and outbursts.

I would suggest therapy by a specialist and ask your gp about that. Also a support group for Narcisists victims would be a good idea. Even a virtual one will help.

Why are you blaming yourself ? if you did stay with him he would still be abusing you and the children just in the home if you stayed quiet to keep the peace he would have ramped up the abuse to get the reaction he craved. I am sorry he is still abusing you and the children BTW he doesn't want a resolution to your boys behaviour because he is thriving on the chaos its like a drug to him, I've no advice maybe try mediation so you don't have to deal with him directly but this is his doing.

@Mrsjayy Thank you. We have got first mediation session this week. I'm so scared of having to deal with him that I've managed to break one of my back teeth in the night with all of the grinding so trying to get hold of a dentist! Fingers crossed it will go OK...

Oh lovey I hope it works out for you, he probably will try to get the mediator onside be all pally blame you for wasting their time blah blah.but try and ignore that .