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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To blame myself for marrying him?

61 replies

Oldat40 · 26/02/2021 22:59

I married my son's dad when I was 24. He turned out to be an extremely abusive narcissist. He was awarded 50/50 shared care when kids just 3 and 6 despite all of my valid concerns. Seven years on and both boys are really suffering as am I. They both have insecure attachment styles.
But ateotd it's my own stupid fault for marrying him, right?

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Original poster
Oldat40 · 28/02/2021 16:29

@Porcupineintherough Did it go 50/50 shared parenting for you too? That's where the problem is.

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Original poster
Oldat40 · 28/02/2021 16:33

@givemesteel So sorry you are going through similar. It really is so difficult and I hope things work out for you.

We are sadly trapped here because as much as I would love love nothing more than to escape the abuse by moving away he was awarded 50/50 shared care when kids were just three and six.

He is taking me to court yet again as he has applied for even more custody and it may well be that this is granted.

The damage has already been done.

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AOwlAOwlAOwl · 28/02/2021 16:41

Re: family therapy

Why didn't the four of you go instead? You, your partner and your DC?

Why does your Ex get to decide what happens when? If he doesn't want to cooperate, move on without him!

You have the evidence of your research, giving Ex the options and him shutting it down. Take that to court, along with a statement from your family therapist. I don't understand why you are passively waiting for ex to decide your life.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 28/02/2021 16:47

@AOwlAOwlAOwl It is the Courts that have ordered that all four adults must attend together. He doesn't allow his gf to have anything to do with the kids though so I'm wondering if that's part of the problem?

But anything I suggest he refuses to engage with as it's not HIS decision. Hence why I'm finding working with a true narc impossible.

He was the same in our marriage. He has to be in control.

He has very kindly give me "permission" to speak with my youngest's headteacher about his anxiety though Hmm

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Porcupineintherough · 28/02/2021 16:56

@Oldat40 no, in our case my mum stayed and put her feelings and wishes to one side to avoid arguements. And it was absolutely bloody awful. Damaged her, damaged me and destroyed my brother who is now nc with everyone. Misery all round. So whatever else you blame yourself for I think getting out was a good decision.

Backtoschool101 · 28/02/2021 20:14

Op you need to read your other thread again. You are going round in circles pitying yourself. You have been given pages of advice already

Original poster
Oldat40 · 28/02/2021 20:28

@Backtoschool101 So can you answer my question?

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Backtoschool101 · 28/02/2021 20:31

No you arent stupid for marrying him. But instead of getting councelling you keep spending the momey on solicitors when you can represent yourself. You have a seperate thread about your fiance. You need councelling. Not keep posting on MN looking for sympathy. Im being cruel to be kind. This is starting to be narcasist behaviour and you are an echo of my mother. Get councilling and represent yourself when you go to court. Go bacl and re read your threas where everyone told you you havent done anything wrong but need to be stro ger for your kids. As i said cruel to be kind.

2020iscancelled · 28/02/2021 20:39

No you are not stupid for marrying him.

HE is the fundamental problem here. BUT you are now allowing him to control your emotions. You are not responsible for what happened to you but you are responsible for what happens to you now and going forward.

There is counselling on NHS, stay on the wait list it will come around. Mine took a few months but it’s been worth the wait.

You have to start controlling your thoughts. Stop going over and over what happened, whether you should or shouldn’t have done something. It cannot change anything now. It doesn’t help.
You can control your thoughts, the more you stop that shit from entering your mind the better you will feel.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 28/02/2021 21:35

@Backtoschool101 Thanks but I meant the previous question I posted re working with him collaboratively.

I was initially offered CBT but the counsellor said it wouldn't be suitable as my fears were entirely valid. EMDR was recommended as my symptoms are those of C-PTSD but I can't even get onto the waiting list which is currently just under a year. I jump at the bloody toaster!!

I can't do the Freedom programme as I work ft in education so holidays have to be taken in non-term time.

Ultimately I need help in accepting that he has free reign to abuse both myself and the kids (used as weapons against me). The family courts won't stop it.

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Original poster
Oldat40 · 28/02/2021 21:38

@Backtoschool101 And (correct me if I'm wrong), but did your mother have to fight to keep you? Were there issues re custody of the kids? That is the battle here now. You simply can't co-parent with a controlling narc set upon punishing you because you dared to leave him.

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Original poster
Oldat40 · 28/02/2021 21:41

I don't know how to come to terms with the fact that I may be losing my boys even more when I have done absolutely nothing wrong (apart from marrying him and having kids with him).

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Original poster
Oldat40 · 28/02/2021 21:43

I have had extensive counselling in the past but he will never stop abusing. It kills me that it's now through the kids.

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Backtoschool101 · 28/02/2021 23:05

Honestly. Yes. My mum married 3 times and divorced 3 times and one child per marriage. She went to court for all 3 of us. My sisters dad was like your ex. But my mum also did the whole stupid me thing and would cry say she was a bad mum etc so we would feel guikty and make her feel better. Im not saying you are doing that with your kids. But be careful because that along with abuse from my last step dad drove me away. Even after they were divorced she would guilt trip me with her feelings of feeling useless. Thats why im saying you need to be strong and get out of this head funk because it will only effect you and your relationship with your kids. Forget the ex. Ignore him. But the more upset and anxious you are the more the kids will gravitate towards their dad because they will start believeing yiur feelings are true.

Eckhart · 28/02/2021 23:15

@Oldat40

I have had extensive counselling in the past but he will never stop abusing. It kills me that it's now through the kids.
Children follow the examples they are set. You cannot change your ex's behaviour. He will continue, yes.

You can choose to stay in victim mode, and that will be the alternative example set to your children. They will get to choose between being narcissists or victims of life/relationships.

or

You can choose to move on, work on making your life better, work on growing your self esteem and independence, work on being strong. Then they will get to choose between being a narcissist, or being a person who strives to better themselves against adversity, and not let a poor relationship ruin their life.

Which do you want to offer them?

Backtoschool101 · 28/02/2021 23:20

@Eckhart couldnt put it better myself

Original poster
Oldat40 · 01/03/2021 01:03

It isn't just as simple as "moving on" when you are being taken to court again and again, this time for further custody. You can't just ignore that!

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Eckhart · 01/03/2021 07:34

You can work on moving on, emotionally. For your children. To demonstrate to them how to deal with emotional difficulties. Or you can choose to continue feeling defeated, which is then what they will do in the future, if they end up in a very hard situation.

You do have options here. You can't change your ex's behaviour. You can change your own.

LouJ85 · 01/03/2021 07:44

@Eckhart

Extremely wise post, as always.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/03/2021 08:02

Presumably you didn’t know what he was when you married him? Or did you and is that’s what’s eating away? Either way it’s not your fault but you have to try and take control now.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 01/03/2021 08:40

@Eckhart Do you have any experience of the Family Courts? I have spent so much of my savings we can't even afford to buy a bloody house now!

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Original poster
Oldat40 · 01/03/2021 08:41

@PurpleFlower1983 Sadly not. True narcs are superb at manipulation. He fools most people but I was naive enough to marry him!

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Original poster
Oldat40 · 01/03/2021 08:43

I think if you met him you'd probably come away saying he was a really lovely man. That's another problem here because he convinces a lot of people he is.

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Eckhart · 01/03/2021 08:57

[quote Oldat40]@Eckhart Do you have any experience of the Family Courts? I have spent so much of my savings we can't even afford to buy a bloody house now![/quote]
My experience of the Family Courts is not the point. You posted because you were blaming yourself for your situation.

I can say this: if you insist on focusing on the reasons you feel bad, you will continue to feel bad. People have been in the same situation and dealt with it in different ways. You have to engage with change, rather than seeing yourself as the victim of your situation.

For your children, if not for yourself.

The responsibility is yours.

The choice is yours.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 01/03/2021 09:15

@Eckhart How can I make change when I have to coparent with someone who hates me and won't work with me.

I have a Year 6 son and today everyone has found out their secondary places. Except me of course. Ex won't even tell me that.

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