Is it normal to constantly be expected to clean

[Khtchkn]

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, he is the most untidiest person ever, and I am the complete opposite. Before we had a child I didn’t mind having the full responsibility of cleaning, but now that we have a 2 year old we are constantly arguing over this issue nearly every day and most times nasty things are said. Do your husbands/partners expect you to do the housework? He does absolutely zero cooking, I make sure I batch cook all of my sons meals and make sure he has a variety each day. I wouldn’t mind if my husband didn’t even clean up after me, just to wash his dirty plates and dishes he’s used, but it’s dumped on the side for me to do. I spend at least 2-3hrs a week cleaning the flat and he can’t be arsed to clean the kitchen after himself in the evening even though he promised he would and knowing I hate waking up in the morning to a dirty kitchen. am I being over the top? is this pretty much normal? FYI trying to look from his point of view, I only work 2.5 days a week, and look after my son the rest of the time. My husband looks after my son for 1hr on the weekday as he’s busy and just mainly putts our son infront of the tv which I tell him off. He makes more money than me, I pay half the mortgage and half the nursery fees, but he pays all the other bills, council tax, insurance etc.... so maybe I’m thinking I should just be expected to do this. don’t know, so tired of arguing and feel drained

[Springsnake]

What you pay should be in proportion to what you earn ...or he pays you for childcare on the days you don’t work

[LakieLady]

@Fiona2020

Personally I’d stop doing anything. I’d do no washing up except for my own. I’d not do his washing or ironing. I wouldn’t clean the bathroom. See what he does then.
My OH often needs a push and his cleaning isn’t always up to my standards but he always try’s and doesn’t whinge....too much!

I bet he wouldn't do anything, except maybe his own laundry when he realised that the clean pants fairy hadn't been and he'd run out.

My late DP was incredibly untidy and very reluctant to do any housework, but he would hoover without being asked (this started when we got a GTech hoover and it became much less of a chore, plus he was hugely impressed that it was so effective). But every now and then, I would insist.

I'd just say "The kitchen needs cleaning, if I do everything down to worktop height, will you do the rest?" and he would. Or "I'm cleaning the bathroom, will you do the floor and paintwork?" and he would, albeit unwillingly and with much huffing and puffing. But still the every day clearing of clutter would be down to me.

He would load and empty the dishwasher, too, which has made me realise that he seemed to not mind doing things that involved a machine.

But things are your house seem much more unequal. I wonder what your DH would say if you pointed out all the things you do, as opposed to the next to nothing he does, and asked him if he felt it was fair?

[Norwaydidnthappen]

I do the vast majority, yes. My DH will only do chores if I ask, he never sees mess and thinks to clean it. He’s never looked at a full laundry basket and thought to put it on and even if he does the washing on a rare occasion (usually because I’ve asked) he won’t then transfer it to the dryer and never puts it away.

He works FT and I’m currently on mat leave but usually work PT, look after 5 DC the rest of the time! I’m not sure whether it’s normal or not really, it’s just how it is.

[MinnieJackson]

We have three kids, one disabled and we live with my mother who I care for. My husband does all the school runs when schools open, all the baths and pjamas, washes up if I ask and Hoover's round and does the bins. He doesn't cook as the few times he has in 13 years it's been, erm...horrible I think he has a morbid fear or any any meat being undercooked. My 6 year old sons a little diamond. He wanted to make cupcakes the other day so we did that, then he washed up the baking stuff and everything that else was waiting to be washed, without being asked. He knows how to put a load of washing on (I put in the detergent), he always offers to help with the hoovering and dusting and he loves helping in the garden. Our next step is he wants to learn to cook spag bol. He already chops the mushrooms for me. If only he had the same enthusiasm for homeschool sorry just realised this sounds really boastful but he's just awesome.
I think you should make him pay for a cleaner, or if you could stand it, go on strike and only do your sons and your own cleaning and washing.

[An0n0n0n]

Playing devils advocate here, you have set up the expectation that you're happy to do it and then gone and done it yourself and set the precedent. Now you've had a baby you expect him to change. I can see why he doesn't want to, he has a nice set up which requires no effort from him.

It's not ok. But you need to talk to him about minimum acceptable standards and agree something that is fair, i.e. 50/50, not 70/30 because you're grateful he is "helping"

But ultimately if you don't have a red line for when younwould walk away he won't change. Why would he need to respect you if he knows you'll just do it anyway? Good luck x

[DeeCeeCherry]

Women should stop trying to prove themselves as perfect wife material by doing everything for these men. Then expecting that the 'magic' of marriage and children and living together will result in said men suddenly pulling their weight domestically.

It's lucky you're keeping on top of things OP or you'd probably have verminous mice in your house. Leaving dirty plates around? Minging.

Do what a pp said she does with her teen - serve his dinner up on unwashed plates.

Does he know how to use the washing machine or did you create a rod for your own back by always taking care of laundry?

[FinallyHere]

Before we had a child I didn’t mind having the full responsibility of cleaning,

But, it wasn't fair, was it ? And a clue as to what life would be like. What can you agree together about the division of labour.

[faithfulbird20]

Why don't you let it build up a bit and let it 'bother' him? Then if he has a go say how tired you are how much you've already been doing...give it time he'll clean up after himself when he has no cups to use, no clean clothes etc ...

Who cares if he works or earns more money...it's not about comparing...it's about helping each other...you're not just flat mates you're in a relationship and should help each other...