Is it normal to constantly be expected to clean

[Khtchkn]

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, he is the most untidiest person ever, and I am the complete opposite. Before we had a child I didn’t mind having the full responsibility of cleaning, but now that we have a 2 year old we are constantly arguing over this issue nearly every day and most times nasty things are said. Do your husbands/partners expect you to do the housework? He does absolutely zero cooking, I make sure I batch cook all of my sons meals and make sure he has a variety each day. I wouldn’t mind if my husband didn’t even clean up after me, just to wash his dirty plates and dishes he’s used, but it’s dumped on the side for me to do. I spend at least 2-3hrs a week cleaning the flat and he can’t be arsed to clean the kitchen after himself in the evening even though he promised he would and knowing I hate waking up in the morning to a dirty kitchen. am I being over the top? is this pretty much normal? FYI trying to look from his point of view, I only work 2.5 days a week, and look after my son the rest of the time. My husband looks after my son for 1hr on the weekday as he’s busy and just mainly putts our son infront of the tv which I tell him off. He makes more money than me, I pay half the mortgage and half the nursery fees, but he pays all the other bills, council tax, insurance etc.... so maybe I’m thinking I should just be expected to do this. don’t know, so tired of arguing and feel drained

[faithfulbird20]

Why don't you let it build up a bit and let it 'bother' him? Then if he has a go say how tired you are how much you've already been doing...give it time he'll clean up after himself when he has no cups to use, no clean clothes etc ...

Who cares if he works or earns more money...it's not about comparing...it's about helping each other...you're not just flat mates you're in a relationship and should help each other...

[FinallyHere]

Before we had a child I didn’t mind having the full responsibility of cleaning,

But, it wasn't fair, was it ? And a clue as to what life would be like. What can you agree together about the division of labour.

[DeeCeeCherry]

Women should stop trying to prove themselves as perfect wife material by doing everything for these men. Then expecting that the 'magic' of marriage and children and living together will result in said men suddenly pulling their weight domestically.

It's lucky you're keeping on top of things OP or you'd probably have verminous mice in your house. Leaving dirty plates around? Minging.

Do what a pp said she does with her teen - serve his dinner up on unwashed plates.

Does he know how to use the washing machine or did you create a rod for your own back by always taking care of laundry?

[An0n0n0n]

Playing devils advocate here, you have set up the expectation that you're happy to do it and then gone and done it yourself and set the precedent. Now you've had a baby you expect him to change. I can see why he doesn't want to, he has a nice set up which requires no effort from him.

It's not ok. But you need to talk to him about minimum acceptable standards and agree something that is fair, i.e. 50/50, not 70/30 because you're grateful he is "helping"

But ultimately if you don't have a red line for when younwould walk away he won't change. Why would he need to respect you if he knows you'll just do it anyway? Good luck x

[MinnieJackson]

We have three kids, one disabled and we live with my mother who I care for. My husband does all the school runs when schools open, all the baths and pjamas, washes up if I ask and Hoover's round and does the bins. He doesn't cook as the few times he has in 13 years it's been, erm...horrible I think he has a morbid fear or any any meat being undercooked. My 6 year old sons a little diamond. He wanted to make cupcakes the other day so we did that, then he washed up the baking stuff and everything that else was waiting to be washed, without being asked. He knows how to put a load of washing on (I put in the detergent), he always offers to help with the hoovering and dusting and he loves helping in the garden. Our next step is he wants to learn to cook spag bol. He already chops the mushrooms for me. If only he had the same enthusiasm for homeschool sorry just realised this sounds really boastful but he's just awesome.
I think you should make him pay for a cleaner, or if you could stand it, go on strike and only do your sons and your own cleaning and washing.

[Norwaydidnthappen]

I do the vast majority, yes. My DH will only do chores if I ask, he never sees mess and thinks to clean it. He’s never looked at a full laundry basket and thought to put it on and even if he does the washing on a rare occasion (usually because I’ve asked) he won’t then transfer it to the dryer and never puts it away.

He works FT and I’m currently on mat leave but usually work PT, look after 5 DC the rest of the time! I’m not sure whether it’s normal or not really, it’s just how it is.

[LakieLady]

@Fiona2020

Personally I’d stop doing anything. I’d do no washing up except for my own. I’d not do his washing or ironing. I wouldn’t clean the bathroom. See what he does then.
My OH often needs a push and his cleaning isn’t always up to my standards but he always try’s and doesn’t whinge....too much!

I bet he wouldn't do anything, except maybe his own laundry when he realised that the clean pants fairy hadn't been and he'd run out.

My late DP was incredibly untidy and very reluctant to do any housework, but he would hoover without being asked (this started when we got a GTech hoover and it became much less of a chore, plus he was hugely impressed that it was so effective). But every now and then, I would insist.

I'd just say "The kitchen needs cleaning, if I do everything down to worktop height, will you do the rest?" and he would. Or "I'm cleaning the bathroom, will you do the floor and paintwork?" and he would, albeit unwillingly and with much huffing and puffing. But still the every day clearing of clutter would be down to me.

He would load and empty the dishwasher, too, which has made me realise that he seemed to not mind doing things that involved a machine.

But things are your house seem much more unequal. I wonder what your DH would say if you pointed out all the things you do, as opposed to the next to nothing he does, and asked him if he felt it was fair?

[Springsnake]

What you pay should be in proportion to what you earn ...or he pays you for childcare on the days you don’t work

[MaryIsA]

@NovemberR

He's a dickhead.

You don't make mess and leave it for other people to clean up. Unless you employ servants with a written contract, guaranteed time off and holiday pay.

And the ability to hand in their notice and leave if they find something they'd prefer to do with their life...

this.

[MinnieMountain]

We have 1 DC and I work 2.5 days a week.

We got a cleaner pre-DC when we both worked FT and I got fed up of reminding DH to do his share. He paid until our finances became joint.

In normal times I do more housework than DH as I have the time whilst DS is at school. But DH wouldn’t dream of leaving his plates lying around. That’s plain disrespectful.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I have an issue with differing standards between me and my DH as well and I find myself in a constant mental battle over whether I should be dragging him up to my standards or if I should just bite the bullet and lower myself to his. I think the answer is you both compromise - you both share a house you both (in theory) love each other and part and parcel of that is demonstrating through your actions your love, respect and acknowledgment of how the other choses to live. So I grit my teeth and deal with DH leaving his full basket of dirty laundry sitting in the spare bedroom for an entire week (if it was me, it would be done folded and put away within a day) while he must keep the dishes washed and put away so I’m not climbing over filth while I cook. If it was up to him, he’d eat off paper plates rather than do dishes if he can’t be arsed (which is most of the time). But he accepts that leaving them there when they get in my way and irk me to tears is the same as leaving a big, handwritten note saying, ‘FUCK YOU, WIFE’ by the side of the sink. So he does them because he loves and respects me and acknowledges that I adjust to his expectations where reasonable.

I believe there was an MN poster who went around the house putting ‘fuck you wife’ signs on the piles of laundry and mess her husband repeatedly left around the house to drive the point home to him. Perhaps you should consider the same OP?

[PeggyHill]

There is a difference between him not being the one who thoroughly cleans the kitchen, and him not bothering to put his dirty plates in the dishwasher/wash them up.

In my house I do pretty much all the cleaning but I DO NOT pick up after other people like a servant. I expect everyone in my house to pick up after themselves. Probably once a week I will clean the kitchen, which involves scrubbing sides, mopping floors, occassionally cleaning the oven etc. It doesn't involve picking up people's plates, rubbish, wiping up spills that they couldn't be arsed dealing with etc.

I think there is a huge distinction between these two things and it's really important to make sure your partner understands that.

[Charlieiscool]

He is showing you what he thinks of you. Not much. He is a bastard.

[Porridgeoat]

So you do almost all the cleaning and childcare. This seems really unfair.

Stop washing his clothes and cooking for him. Leave him with the baby for a couple of hours daily so he has no choice but to meet her needs, take responsibility and build a bond. Stop stepping in, instead just step back. You can do all these without any discussion or nagging. ‘I’m pooping out, see you in a bit’ and plonk the child on his lap.

[FlyNow]

To me, no it isn't normal.

However I know from reading on here that many do live this way.

It sounds horrible tbh. I suppose being fair, those people may say living with my DH (or with me) is also horrible for different reasons.

[gutful]

Is it really anal to do the basics to avoid attracting vermin into the home?

[gutful]

OP I consider myself a “clean” but messy person.
What you’re describing is taking the piss.

Leaving the kitchen a mess after dinner is just unacceptable to me personally. In my culture you cook, while cooking tidy up as you go & then after dinner clear the dinner table & wash the dishes.

Depending on if had been cooking something particularly messy a pot may soak overnight in the sink ? But it’s not dirty as such, nothing a cockroach could be attracted to sitting on the stovetop etc.

After dinner do tea & biscuits while watching tv & relax.

Tea cups Etc OK to leave in the sink overnight & just run some water over them & next day rinse properly.

It’s not hard to have a clean kitchen before you go to bed & to me it’s disgusting to leave the kitchen I cleaned overnight after dinner.

It’s the main reason would rather (and have) lived in my van than be subjected to people who leave the kitchen a mess & unable to be used again until the mess is cleared up.

could have laundry piled up for weeks (clean or dirty) but a messy kitchen no way.

Don’t get promising to clean the kitchen - to me relaxing in front of the tv comes after kitchen is done & relaxing properly without the weight of washing up & wiping benches hanging over you.

Living like that is student / 20s share housing lifestyle but there is a competitive messiness on MN it seems many think this is anal.

[echt]

I did all the cleaning, clothes washing, ironing, put out the bins and mowed the lawn when my DH was alive. We both worked full-time.

He did all the cooking, food shopping, walked the dog, managed the finances, booked holidays, did DIY, kept the veggie patch, ironed his work shirts. He never left a dirty plate out, always put dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

We both gardened looked after our child and I helped with DIY. We paid bills proportionately and had joint account after we married. I still had my own savings.

Now I think of it, all the above evolved very quickly in our relationship; we lived together after a year, time enough to get the measure of how someone behaves. People mostly don't change, and he didn't.

The point here, OP is that your DH is taking advantage of you. No, it's not normal. His behaviour shows contempt.

[Yellownotblue]

No, this isn’t right or normal. You husband is being cruel and sexist. It’s not women’s job to clean up after men.

[nopulp]

He's horrible and doesn't value your time. He thinks it's fine if you waste your life cleaning. Not sure why you're with him. Like fuck would I waste my life being an unpaid cleaner.

[Fiona2020]

Personally I’d stop doing anything. I’d do no washing up except for my own. I’d not do his washing or ironing. I wouldn’t clean the bathroom. See what he does then.
My OH often needs a push and his cleaning isn’t always up to my standards but he always try’s and doesn’t whinge....too much!

[tenlittlecygnets]

You should pay bills proportionately, and have similar amounts of time free of childcare and housework.

[Apandemicyousay]

Sounds like you made your bed by settling with someone that let you do all the housework before you even had kids. Why would you do that? I find it totally baffling and depressing. Counselling might help you see that your worth more. And then give you the self esteem to either deal with him or leave. The fact he lets you do this and thinks it is ok is the worst. I'm going to guess he's not up at night looking after his own children either. Wife work. Urgh.

[partyatthepalace]

He's a selfish dick - there is no excuse for not cleaning up after yourself and given you do work 2.5 days a week, he should be doing 25% of the childcare and housework.

But OP it does sound like you've made a rod for your back. Why on earth were you doing all the cleaning before you had kids. How the fuck does he think it's OK to dump dishes in the kitchen.

Figure out 25% of the work that he will do going forward. Start with 10%, the easy stuff, and tell him this is how it will being going forward. I wouldn't worry about him sticking the baby in front of the TV for now, I'd focus on getting him to make a contribution to the family.

You have to nip this now. Right now he thinks he's got a lifelong house elf.

[PieInTheSky71]

I have one of those.

I stopped doing his washing and only cook for him if it suits me. I sort me and the kids out and leave him to it. I also clean 'my' bathroom every week. I leave him to clean his bathroom - he can go up to two months without cleaning it. If I want the house cleaned by him, I invite his Mum over. Then he runs himself ragged cleaning to impress her.

I also use recyclable plates when filling and emptying the dishwasher is done for the third time that day. I take a break the next day.