Is it normal to constantly be expected to clean

[Khtchkn]

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, he is the most untidiest person ever, and I am the complete opposite. Before we had a child I didn’t mind having the full responsibility of cleaning, but now that we have a 2 year old we are constantly arguing over this issue nearly every day and most times nasty things are said. Do your husbands/partners expect you to do the housework? He does absolutely zero cooking, I make sure I batch cook all of my sons meals and make sure he has a variety each day. I wouldn’t mind if my husband didn’t even clean up after me, just to wash his dirty plates and dishes he’s used, but it’s dumped on the side for me to do. I spend at least 2-3hrs a week cleaning the flat and he can’t be arsed to clean the kitchen after himself in the evening even though he promised he would and knowing I hate waking up in the morning to a dirty kitchen. am I being over the top? is this pretty much normal? FYI trying to look from his point of view, I only work 2.5 days a week, and look after my son the rest of the time. My husband looks after my son for 1hr on the weekday as he’s busy and just mainly putts our son infront of the tv which I tell him off. He makes more money than me, I pay half the mortgage and half the nursery fees, but he pays all the other bills, council tax, insurance etc.... so maybe I’m thinking I should just be expected to do this. don’t know, so tired of arguing and feel drained

[billy1966]

OP,
How are finances divided?
You work 2.5 days, pay half a morgage and nursery fees.
He earns substantially more than you.

Does he have huge spending money and you little and he treats you like a skivvy?

A man living in filth really should be a bit of a red flag though.

Make sure your contraception is bullet proof.

He sounds so disrespectful of you.

[Confrontayshunme]

My DH and I argued a lot about housework then got a cleaner every two weeks. Totally worth it. Just say he can clean or pay for it.

[whatisheupto]

A cleaner every 2 weeks will not help with the fact you are doing all the clearing up and washing up on a daily basis. It won't make much difference. You need him to stop being a slob.

[dillydallydollydaydream7]

That is unfair! You are not an unpaid maid. I hate waking up to a dirty kitchen too. My DH cleans but he doesn't do it 'my' way (you all know what I mean!) but he still does it. Your DH needs to appreciate you more and tidy up after himself

[MrsBrunch]

No, not normal. You are living a shit life but will probably continue to do so.

[MiniTheMinx]

I think both partners should have an equal amount of leisure time and disposable income.

My husband does absolutely zero at home, nada, nothing. He does some DIY. That's it. He hasn't once put the washing on. He works and has a long commute, plus he has to parent his own child at the weekend. I work the equivalent of 8 hrs a week and have two teen DS. So I have much more time. At the moment this works. But if I increase my hrs or go full-time I can perceive there being a huge inequality and a lot of resentment. I'm deliberating my options because I won't tolerate being worked into the ground by both employer and husband! I certainly won't serve two masters so my husband will have to forgo his wife appliance.

If I were you I'd sit down and carefully work out how many hrs and how much money you both have going spare. If you are disadvantaged evidence it and show him. Perhaps its better to allocate specific tasks.

[crackofdoom]

What wizardofaus quoted

[butterry]

He's obviously selfish and feels entitled to do less. Unfortunately this expectation has been set since the beginning of your relationship and he is unlikely to change. If you can afford to I would hire a cleaner to help you. Of course you can try and argue about a 50/50 division of labour but the likelihood of drastically changing his ways is slim so you will need to find somewhere you feel comfortable accepting how he is. For instance write down the cleaning and split it 70/30 or get a cleaner to help you both so it's just some maintenance between the 2 of you. Ask him what chores he would find easiest to do and keep doing long-term, maybe something like hoovering twice a week and wiping down bathroom, some dusting - break it down into 15 mins tasks so it's not daunting to someone who has never cleaned.

[PieInTheSky71]

I have one of those.

I stopped doing his washing and only cook for him if it suits me. I sort me and the kids out and leave him to it. I also clean 'my' bathroom every week. I leave him to clean his bathroom - he can go up to two months without cleaning it. If I want the house cleaned by him, I invite his Mum over. Then he runs himself ragged cleaning to impress her.

I also use recyclable plates when filling and emptying the dishwasher is done for the third time that day. I take a break the next day.

[partyatthepalace]

He's a selfish dick - there is no excuse for not cleaning up after yourself and given you do work 2.5 days a week, he should be doing 25% of the childcare and housework.

But OP it does sound like you've made a rod for your back. Why on earth were you doing all the cleaning before you had kids. How the fuck does he think it's OK to dump dishes in the kitchen.

Figure out 25% of the work that he will do going forward. Start with 10%, the easy stuff, and tell him this is how it will being going forward. I wouldn't worry about him sticking the baby in front of the TV for now, I'd focus on getting him to make a contribution to the family.

You have to nip this now. Right now he thinks he's got a lifelong house elf.

[Apandemicyousay]

Sounds like you made your bed by settling with someone that let you do all the housework before you even had kids. Why would you do that? I find it totally baffling and depressing. Counselling might help you see that your worth more. And then give you the self esteem to either deal with him or leave. The fact he lets you do this and thinks it is ok is the worst. I'm going to guess he's not up at night looking after his own children either. Wife work. Urgh.

[tenlittlecygnets]

You should pay bills proportionately, and have similar amounts of time free of childcare and housework.

[Fiona2020]

Personally I’d stop doing anything. I’d do no washing up except for my own. I’d not do his washing or ironing. I wouldn’t clean the bathroom. See what he does then.
My OH often needs a push and his cleaning isn’t always up to my standards but he always try’s and doesn’t whinge....too much!

[nopulp]

He's horrible and doesn't value your time. He thinks it's fine if you waste your life cleaning. Not sure why you're with him. Like fuck would I waste my life being an unpaid cleaner.

[Yellownotblue]

No, this isn’t right or normal. You husband is being cruel and sexist. It’s not women’s job to clean up after men.

[echt]

I did all the cleaning, clothes washing, ironing, put out the bins and mowed the lawn when my DH was alive. We both worked full-time.

He did all the cooking, food shopping, walked the dog, managed the finances, booked holidays, did DIY, kept the veggie patch, ironed his work shirts. He never left a dirty plate out, always put dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

We both gardened looked after our child and I helped with DIY. We paid bills proportionately and had joint account after we married. I still had my own savings.

Now I think of it, all the above evolved very quickly in our relationship; we lived together after a year, time enough to get the measure of how someone behaves. People mostly don't change, and he didn't.

The point here, OP is that your DH is taking advantage of you. No, it's not normal. His behaviour shows contempt.

[gutful]

OP I consider myself a “clean” but messy person.
What you’re describing is taking the piss.

Leaving the kitchen a mess after dinner is just unacceptable to me personally. In my culture you cook, while cooking tidy up as you go & then after dinner clear the dinner table & wash the dishes.

Depending on if had been cooking something particularly messy a pot may soak overnight in the sink ? But it’s not dirty as such, nothing a cockroach could be attracted to sitting on the stovetop etc.

After dinner do tea & biscuits while watching tv & relax.

Tea cups Etc OK to leave in the sink overnight & just run some water over them & next day rinse properly.

It’s not hard to have a clean kitchen before you go to bed & to me it’s disgusting to leave the kitchen I cleaned overnight after dinner.

It’s the main reason would rather (and have) lived in my van than be subjected to people who leave the kitchen a mess & unable to be used again until the mess is cleared up.

could have laundry piled up for weeks (clean or dirty) but a messy kitchen no way.

Don’t get promising to clean the kitchen - to me relaxing in front of the tv comes after kitchen is done & relaxing properly without the weight of washing up & wiping benches hanging over you.

Living like that is student / 20s share housing lifestyle but there is a competitive messiness on MN it seems many think this is anal.

[gutful]

Is it really anal to do the basics to avoid attracting vermin into the home?

[FlyNow]

To me, no it isn't normal.

However I know from reading on here that many do live this way.

It sounds horrible tbh. I suppose being fair, those people may say living with my DH (or with me) is also horrible for different reasons.

[Porridgeoat]

So you do almost all the cleaning and childcare. This seems really unfair.

Stop washing his clothes and cooking for him. Leave him with the baby for a couple of hours daily so he has no choice but to meet her needs, take responsibility and build a bond. Stop stepping in, instead just step back. You can do all these without any discussion or nagging. ‘I’m pooping out, see you in a bit’ and plonk the child on his lap.

[Charlieiscool]

He is showing you what he thinks of you. Not much. He is a bastard.

[PeggyHill]

There is a difference between him not being the one who thoroughly cleans the kitchen, and him not bothering to put his dirty plates in the dishwasher/wash them up.

In my house I do pretty much all the cleaning but I DO NOT pick up after other people like a servant. I expect everyone in my house to pick up after themselves. Probably once a week I will clean the kitchen, which involves scrubbing sides, mopping floors, occassionally cleaning the oven etc. It doesn't involve picking up people's plates, rubbish, wiping up spills that they couldn't be arsed dealing with etc.

I think there is a huge distinction between these two things and it's really important to make sure your partner understands that.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I have an issue with differing standards between me and my DH as well and I find myself in a constant mental battle over whether I should be dragging him up to my standards or if I should just bite the bullet and lower myself to his. I think the answer is you both compromise - you both share a house you both (in theory) love each other and part and parcel of that is demonstrating through your actions your love, respect and acknowledgment of how the other choses to live. So I grit my teeth and deal with DH leaving his full basket of dirty laundry sitting in the spare bedroom for an entire week (if it was me, it would be done folded and put away within a day) while he must keep the dishes washed and put away so I’m not climbing over filth while I cook. If it was up to him, he’d eat off paper plates rather than do dishes if he can’t be arsed (which is most of the time). But he accepts that leaving them there when they get in my way and irk me to tears is the same as leaving a big, handwritten note saying, ‘FUCK YOU, WIFE’ by the side of the sink. So he does them because he loves and respects me and acknowledges that I adjust to his expectations where reasonable.

I believe there was an MN poster who went around the house putting ‘fuck you wife’ signs on the piles of laundry and mess her husband repeatedly left around the house to drive the point home to him. Perhaps you should consider the same OP?

[MinnieMountain]

We have 1 DC and I work 2.5 days a week.

We got a cleaner pre-DC when we both worked FT and I got fed up of reminding DH to do his share. He paid until our finances became joint.

In normal times I do more housework than DH as I have the time whilst DS is at school. But DH wouldn’t dream of leaving his plates lying around. That’s plain disrespectful.

[MaryIsA]

@NovemberR

He's a dickhead.

You don't make mess and leave it for other people to clean up. Unless you employ servants with a written contract, guaranteed time off and holiday pay.

And the ability to hand in their notice and leave if they find something they'd prefer to do with their life...

this.