To think it's either better to know or it isn't?

sanfranfibber · 2021-02-26T18:29:59+00:00

You see a lot of threads on here where a former or current OW wants to tell the wife about the affair -either through remorse, or vindictiveness, or jealousy - and is told not to as they're doing it for selfish reasons. But you also see a lot of threads from wives/partners saying they would want to know. But surely it's either better to know or it isn't, regardless of who the message come from? So YABU - It's better to not know than to hear it from an OW or YANBU - it's better to know even if it comes from the OW

earlyforties · 26/02/2021 18:43

I would want to know

earlyforties · 26/02/2021 18:44

YANBU

pumpkinbump · 26/02/2021 18:45

I would want to know so I could get rid of him as quickly as possible.

Bufferingkisses · 26/02/2021 18:45

Surely it is dependent on the person and therefore not black and white?

Yabu for assuming people are a homogeneous mass?

thepeopleversuswork · 26/02/2021 18:47

In the short term hearing it from the OW has certain problems:

a) the OW is likely to be particularly unkind and share details which will torture the wife unnecessarily
b) the wife/partner is inclined not to believe the OW and the DH/DP will put it down to her being mad/obsessed/deluded

People on these boards are often quite understandably keen to take the OW down because they have been on the receiving end in these situations and its triggering and traumatic for them. It doesn't necessarily make for the most objective advice.

But the bottom line is that if your DH or DP is having an affair its better for you to find out. If the OW ends up being the bearer of this news she ain't going to sugar coat it and ultimately is probably doing the wife a favour.

Snowymcsnowsony · 26/02/2021 18:49

A friend of mine was having ivf. Unimaginable stress. 2 failed attempts and turns out her dh had been cheating. And her so called bff knew.
She had to sign forms donating her precious embryos for research... Left her home and area and started life over .
His life hasn't changed... People who know and keep quiet are accessories imo.

Loopyloututu2 · 26/02/2021 18:50

I would want to know and wouldn’t care about the OW’s motives - he’d be out on his ear.

ClarkeGriffin · 26/02/2021 18:51

I would want to know, even from the ow. Least then I can get rid of the prick. If she's still so desperate to have him, go ahead. There won't be much left after I bleed him dry in the divorce.

Original poster

sanfranfibber · 26/02/2021 19:10

@Bufferingkisses

Surely it is dependent on the person and therefore not black and white?

Yabu for assuming people are a homogeneous mass?

Isn't the whole point of mumsnet to canvass general opinions of averages?!

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Lamentations · 26/02/2021 19:13

I wouldn't want to be the only person not to know if people I knew also knew but if it was genuinely over and I was none the wiser then I'm not sure.

Original poster

sanfranfibber · 26/02/2021 21:27

@Lamentations

I wouldn't want to be the only person not to know if people I knew also knew but if it was genuinely over and I was none the wiser then I'm not sure.

That's interesting. And where I lean to.

It's easy to say you'd want to know once you know or think it about it.

But if it was genuinely out the blue and you could continue what you thought was a happy life otherwise? I

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GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 26/02/2021 21:31

If it was over, I was unsuspecting and my husband loved me and was happy with me, I absolutely would not want to know.

Wiredforsound · 26/02/2021 21:33

I wouldn’t give a shit who told me. I’d rather just know,

user0987654 · 26/02/2021 21:34

I would want to know BUT I wouldn't want to be told by an OW that was only telling me because she was being vindictive or only doing it with the intention of making herself feel better

Original poster

sanfranfibber · 26/02/2021 21:34

For those of you who wouldn't want to know, are you basing that on the assumption of something short and meaningless?

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SendMeYourSpuds · 26/02/2021 21:37

yanbu

I'd assume the OW only told me to be hateful to one of us, but I'd still want to know.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 26/02/2021 21:37

The threads where people are saying they would want to know are when other people know about something thats going on at the time. When I've seen people say they wished they'd never found out it was more about a one night stand confession from 20 years ago or something

sleepyhead1980 · 26/02/2021 21:37

I was previously of the opinion that ignorance is bliss. Everyone I knew who found out they had been cheated on seemed to forgive anyway so what's the point of telling them?

But now I lean more towards a leopard never changes his spots, and think the sooner the wife knows the better. If she doesn't find out he will likely Just do it again until she does.

PitchImperfect · 26/02/2021 21:40

I tend to think of it in a similar way as a crime. Whether it's through a third party or a co-conspirator, the truth should out. I think I'd feel equally betrayed by someone I trusted who knew as I would by him.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 26/02/2021 21:43

@sanfranfibber

For those of you who wouldn't want to know, are you basing that on the assumption of something short and meaningless?

I'm basing it on my feelings about affairs, which are a bit more nuanced than usual on MN. They are wrong, absolutely. But they are not all the same. Some are more forgivable than others and it really just depends. I don't think they're the only way to fuck up your marriage either, nor fidelity the only marriage vow that matters.

There's a thread going where a husband confessed his affair to his wife THREE YEARS after it happened (one time after a colleague pursued him for a while, apparently). If he really wanted his marriage, I don't think he should have told her. As it happened, he seems to be trying to use it to manipulate her into being the one to end the marriage, or into changing herself to try to stop him doing it again. I actually think that's worse than succumbing to sexual temptation one time.

It is possible to have an affair, as dishonourable as that is, but still love your spouse and want to stay. So I'm basing it on my feeling that if it's over, especially if it's long over, and he does love me and does want to stay with me, and I am unsuspecting and happy....no, don't tell me. If you do love me and want to keep me, bear the burden yourself and don't destroy me with it, especially if us staying together is the outcome you want.

Perhaps I would feel differently if he was a serial philanderer who didn't give a shit about me, but that latter point is the more important one. I certainly don't wish to be with someone who doesn't love me. The affair would be a side point to that.

yatt · 26/02/2021 21:47

I've recently been the OW and then took steps to change my life and be a better person. I had to make a big personal change to remove him from my life and it does make me feel quite bitter that I've had to make the upheaval while he has his life and reputation intact. His wife is posting about her wonderful man and the gifts he buys her and I do occasionally think about telling her because it annoys me that she and the rest of the world think he's something he really is not.

Would I actually go through with it? No. I think it would be wrong for me to do so.

Original poster

sanfranfibber · 26/02/2021 21:52

It is possible to have an affair, as dishonourable as that is, but still love your spouse and want to stay.

Perhaps I would feel differently if he was a serial philanderer who didn't give a shit about me

What about something in between? It's a one and only affair but was long term (like a year) and it was love. He ends it and wants to stay, but for the family, the children, the life, the stability, the fear of hurting you. Because of love for you, not because of being in love with you. Then?

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TheCanyon · 26/02/2021 21:58

@sanfranfibber

It is possible to have an affair, as dishonourable as that is, but still love your spouse and want to stay.

Perhaps I would feel differently if he was a serial philanderer who didn't give a shit about me

What about something in between? It's a one and only affair but was long term (like a year) and it was love. He ends it and wants to stay, but for the family, the children, the life, the stability, the fear of hurting you. Because of love for you, not because of being in love with you. Then?

Then lols, he's feeding you a line. One and only affair

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 26/02/2021 22:07

@sanfranfibber

It is possible to have an affair, as dishonourable as that is, but still love your spouse and want to stay.

Perhaps I would feel differently if he was a serial philanderer who didn't give a shit about me

What about something in between? It's a one and only affair but was long term (like a year) and it was love. He ends it and wants to stay, but for the family, the children, the life, the stability, the fear of hurting you. Because of love for you, not because of being in love with you. Then?

It sounds as if you have a very specific set of circumstances in mind for this question. If that's the case, it might be worth asking the question to which you really want an answer. "Love but not in love"...that's a subjective judgement if ever there was one, so I don't know if you and I would be doing the same thought experiment.

But if he loved me in whatever way meant he wanted to spend his life with me and make me happy with him, and I was happy too and didn't suspect he had strayed, then no, I wouldn't want to know. Of course it would hurt to know he had fallen in love with someone else (though I also think you can love two or more people) and been deceitful, and that's precisely why I wouldn't want to know if it didn't actually make any difference to his love for, and desire for a life with, me. If that's what he wants, that's what he intends to make happen, and this is in the past, why subject me to it? Carry it yourself if you love me. Don't make it my problem.

If he didn't really want to spend his life with me, that would be another matter and I think it would come out one way or another. But again, if he doesn't love me and doesn't want a life with me, the affair is just a symptom.

Original poster

sanfranfibber · 27/02/2021 13:32

I do have a specific set of circumstances yes but I just wanted honest generic views rather than being yelled at

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