To think it's either better to know or it isn't?

[sanfranfibber]

You see a lot of threads on here where a former or current OW wants to tell the wife about the affair -either through remorse, or vindictiveness, or jealousy - and is told not to as they're doing it for selfish reasons.

But you also see a lot of threads from wives/partners saying they would want to know.

But surely it's either better to know or it isn't, regardless of who the message come from?

So
YABU - It's better to not know than to hear it from an OW
or
YANBU - it's better to know even if it comes from the OW

I think you and her Dh have taken enough from her without you using her as your free therapist to absolve you of guilt and shame. If that's even the truth of why you want to tell her, I'm more inclined to believe you want revenge of some sort.

Well, you know, OP. Obviously affairs are wrong. But if every single person who ever had one is irredeemably shitty in all respects, that's a lot of evil people. I don't think doing a shitty thing (and cheating on his wife while they have young children is extremely shitty) necessarily makes you a shitty person in all regards; if that's true, you might as well just go on and shag more married men and kick some puppies while you're at it, because you can't ever escape your shittiness, right?

Sex is powerful, a life force, and it can be complicated. Things would be much easier if it wasn't, but it is.

If it helps at all, I'm of the view that his marriage is his responsibility. Of course you shouldn't have had an affair with him, but ultimately he's the one who broke a promise to his wife and he's the one who should be safeguarding it. I don't think that's on you.

You sound like a lot of OW I've known and read about, thinking the relationship was deeper than it was. I guess you have to be in deep to cross a line you presumably wouldn't normally overstep. This is why I'm not usually too bothered by this idea that an OW has "got away with it"; from what I've seen, if the affair remains undiscovered, they're frequently the only ones who do suffer, as you are suffering now.

The only way to get a positive from this experience (you're not the first to have it and you won't be the last) is to look at why you did it, and how not to do it in future. And try not to get too hung up on him. He represents something for you; once you figure out what that is, you'll be better equipped to fill that need in a more honest and decent way in the future. I really don't think you're missing out on much with him.

Your guilt and shame, which are not misplaced, are your problem. Not hers.

As was your desperation and selfishness in the first place.

Stop trying to make another woman suffer to make yourself feel important.

@DropDTuning

Your guilt and shame, which are not misplaced, are your problem. Not hers.

As was your desperation and selfishness in the first place.

Stop trying to make another woman suffer to make yourself feel important.

Her man cheating is her problem though she is just unaware.

Why are OW always described as desperate. It's a cheap shot. Do better.

If my friend knew I'd rather they tell me. But I wouldn't want to hear it from the OW because she isn't trusted source. All it's going to do is make you confused and paranoid.
There's an ex of DHs that I think still fancies him. If she started telling me they were sleeping together I dont know whether I'd believe her, she would benefit from splitting us up. I'd just be stuck between a rock and a hard place and not know what to or who to believe. Whereas if my friend told me she'd seen him at a bar with this woman then I'd believe her.

@sanfranfibber my thread has been mentioned here . I would have wanted to know sooner - regardless of who that came from . Then I would have had a choice whether to stay married.

In the circumstances I'm dealing with if the ow had said no then it wouldn't have happened - he wouldn't of had the opportunity with anyone else , this was a very easy one off lay.
He's 100% at fault here-she wasn't married to me he was, she had no loyalty to me , but it's very difficult to not feel upset with a woman that knowingly fucked someone's husband , and father of small children . It's a despicable and dishonourable thing to do and not something that a decent woman would do