To think it's either better to know or it isn't?

[sanfranfibber]

You see a lot of threads on here where a former or current OW wants to tell the wife about the affair -either through remorse, or vindictiveness, or jealousy - and is told not to as they're doing it for selfish reasons.

But you also see a lot of threads from wives/partners saying they would want to know.

But surely it's either better to know or it isn't, regardless of who the message come from?

So
YABU - It's better to not know than to hear it from an OW
or
YANBU - it's better to know even if it comes from the OW

@sanfranfibber

I do have a specific set of circumstances yes but I just wanted honest generic views rather than being yelled at

If you are a former OW and he has gone back to his wife, my advice is definitely to stay out of it.

I'm not judging (like I said, I have a nuanced view of these things) but this is between them and not your business. You've had enough involvement and the time to think about how it all is for the wife has passed. He's made his choice and from what I've seen of these situations, the OW does usually seem to get more invested than the married father.

Obviously none of this applies if I have misread you. And whatever your circumstances, I wish you well.

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

If it was over, I was unsuspecting and my husband loved me and was happy with me, I absolutely would not want to know.

I’m exactly the same. We seem to be pretty unusual though.

I think you've done enough damage and you should leave them alone and get on with trying to be a better person in future.

I'm exactly the same. We seem to be pretty unusual though.

Yeah. I've even caused offence on here by saying it but it is truly how I feel, personally. Why would I want to have my heart broken and possibly my life uprooted when I'm not actually harmed by this and my husband is now dedicated to me? Why tell me so "we can work through this together"? You did this wrong thing, but you love me and want me? Then don't burden me with this and don't make me "do it together" with you. Do it yourself and protect me, if I really am the one you want. It was your own decision and pleasure, make it your burden if you love me.

Anyone seen/read Gone With the Wind? (Spoiler alert....) You know the scene near the end where Scarlett goes to see the dying Melanie, and the doctor is worried Scarlett's going to try to unburden herself over her history with Ashley? (Everyone thinks it was worse than it really was, but the truth would still hurt Melanie terribly.) And he tells her he wants Melanie to die in peace and he won't have Scarlett making herself feel better by telling Melanie things "that don't make no difference now"?

That's exactly how I feel about it. Assuming it's in the past, and you're loyal to me and love me and I'm happy, don't pass your burden by telling me things that don't make no difference now.

@DropDTuning

I think you've done enough damage and you should leave them alone and get on with trying to be a better person in future.

See this is what my OP was about. The majority of this thread are saying they'd rather know. But as soon as it's clear you were the OW it's 'stay out of it/you've done enough damage/how dare you'.

Whatever the circumstances of the affair I feel horrific (as I well should) and don't want him. There's no vitriol or trying to 'win him'. All I can think about is the fact that she has no choice in the rest of her life.

But I am minded to leave it alone as a) I'm a coward and b) she thinks her life is blissful.

I don't think there is any one answer.

Some women do want to know, but they still won't thank the messenger, no matter who it is. At least not at the time the bombshell is dropped.

The advice to the OW is good. You're not going to live happily ever after becuase you told his wife.

Lots of women do already know,on some level, that their partner is cheating and they prefer to be able to pretend, at least publically. Their partner may even know they know, but while they can pretend no one else knows, they're happy enough with their outwardly happy marriage and the benefits it brings.

All I can think about is the fact that she has no choice in the rest of her life.

Again, I say this without judgement, but you found a way to rationalise or overlook the potential costs to her when you were enjoying the benefits of the affair. Call upon that same thought process now and stay out of it. It's their marriage and not your decision to make...and you may not be right in what you believe his feelings to be anyway. If she thinks her life is blissful, well, it is; if you feel happy, you're happy.

And don't beat yourself up over it forever either. Just learn from it and go forward.

Whatever the circumstances of the affair I feel horrific (as I well should) and don't want him. There's no vitriol or trying to 'win him'. All I can think about is the fact that she has no choice in the rest of her life.

Her husband took that informed choice away from her by having an affair with you. You made it possible for him to do so by having the affair with him.

You believe you were the only one he's had an affair with but it is far more likely that had you said no he would have done it with someone you else.

He's a pig and a cheat. You and he both knowingly acted in a way that would be devastating to his wife.

It's unfair of you to now claim you would be telling her out of kindness when if he had left her for you, you would have been thrilled and felt it rather vindicated you as it was for 'love'.

I would stop agonising over any further involvement in this woman's life and focus on your own.

You don't believe he's a serial cheat. You say you believe you're the only person he's had an affair with, so surely you don't think he will do it again and one might say telling her would be more cruel than allowing her to live in blissful ignorance of something that might not happen ever again.

Or more likely you're realising that he didn't fall in love with you but stay for noble reasons, is a serial cheat likely to do it again and so you feel annoyed you fell for his bullshit and angry he's used you and her both to fulfil different roles and then got away scot free in your opinion.

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

All I can think about is the fact that she has no choice in the rest of her life.

Again, I say this without judgement, but you found a way to rationalise or overlook the potential costs to her when you were enjoying the benefits of the affair. Call upon that same thought process now and stay out of it. It's their marriage and not your decision to make...and you may not be right in what you believe his feelings to be anyway. If she thinks her life is blissful, well, it is; if you feel happy, you're happy.

And don't beat yourself up over it forever either. Just learn from it and go forward.

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom said what I was trying to far more eloquently and succinctly!

Thank you both you're right.

I don't want to blow up her life if he won't do it again (and I believe he won't, whether you want to unpick that or not).

And I did ignore it while I was with him. I honestly didn't give her a second thought other than jealousy. She wasn't real to be and I just wanted to be happy. Now it's over it's like I woke up and all the shame I shut out for a year has hit me in one go.

But she is happy in her life and has small babies and young children. So the consequences would be huge. If she can keep her life then who am I do mess with that more than I have done.

I would 100% want to know. What happens the next time he feels ‘a spark’ with someone else ? He didn’t get caught this time so will likely believe he will be ok again? Where is the deterrent??
He didn’t just risk my happiness for his own, he risked my children’s too. I wouldn’t even care if it was the OW that told me. I would need to know.

I would want to know to stop wasting another moment of my life with a cheating wanker.

@sanfranfibber

See this is what my OP was about. The majority of this thread are saying they'd rather know. But as soon as it's clear you were the OW it's 'stay out of it/you've done enough damage/how dare you'.

It was glaringly obvious from your first post why you were asking.

You've done enough harm. Yes, it's shit for her to be married to such a fuckwad. Don't try to pretend that you care about that.

Focus on trying not to be such an amoral, selfish, narcissistic, cruel person in future, and keep out of her life.

So I take it you wouldn't want to know @DropDTuning ?

I see. I thought this was a genuine post but I understand now you're just trying (unsuccessfully) to be goady. I've said what I have to say.

If you want to tell yourself that you're 'doing the right thing' by doubling down on the pain and harm you've caused, no one can stop you.

Jesus I'm not being goady and have already said I'm not going to tell her on the advice of others.

But I don't understand the logic of 'you've done enough' as that implies telling her would be another bad thing. But usually posters say theyd want to know.

So wouldn't staying quiet be the bad extension of 'you've done enough!?

I absolutely would want to know no matter who was telling me! I might be furious at the OW and would know she was only telling me out of spite but I would still want to know.

Finding out months or years later would be even worse than finding out at the time IMO.

I would absolutely want to know whether it be from the OW, a friend, an anonymous Facebook account, whatever. Not knowing robs you of your choice to leave, your choice to find happiness again with someone who respects and values you and your choice to make your own decisions. Your other half isn’t the person you thought he was. I’d want out. No way do I want to stay married to someone who cheats.

I’d rather find out from other avenues than the OW herself but would prefer to hear it from the OW than not at all, her motives would be irrelevant to me, even though I think the information coming from the OW instead of another source is extra torturous. I would absolutely detest her (not because of the face she told me but because she was obviously having an affair with my husband/boyfriend). I’d of course detest him more.

I would absolutely want to know, whoever told me. To me there is absolutely nothing worse then believing your life is one way (ie blissful) when actually it isn't (because your OH is a lying, cheating, selfish pig). I want to be able to make my choices based on the truth, I wouldn't want to be 'allowed' to live a lie.
That said it would be much better to come from him but that doesn't sound like it's going to happen. As you are the OW you don't have to rub her face in it and I'm sure you wouldn't and there's no point being all repentant - way too late for that. Just give her clear unquestionable information so she's not left in limbo not knowing what's true or who to believe.
I also agree with others that if it was a one night stand 20 years ago it would be best left in the past - it doesn't sound like it was anything like that though.

Like a few pp I would want to know in the present but not the past.
It would make my life immeasurably more difficult on a practical level, to say nothing of the heartbreak and pain to find out I was being cheated on now. But I would rather that than to live a lie.
To find out from the past would make me question all that happened since that time, I'm not sure how I would cope with it and I'm pretty stoic.

He's a shit person and so are you for what you did together. She still deserves to know what happened.

You can think all you like that you're special and the one and the only one he'll ever truly love, but seriously give yourself a slap across your head and wake up. You're not special to him. You're not the only one. You never were. He has a wife! He was shagging her while shagging you! Wake up sweetheart, you were just easy access to him, that's it. Nothing more. It wasn't love. At best it was an ego boost.

You'll be replaced with someone else, you got boring to him. Or maybe his wife started getting suspicious so he 'chose' her. You're believing the word of a man who lied to his wife, are you serious or naive?

Being blunt here, but you need it. You're still believing his lies. You need to wake up and see reality. She deserves to know what her shithead husband got up to. He deserves to have his life ruined. Her life won't be ruined, yeah it will suck for a while, but she can move on if she wants to, get a divorce, get the majority of stuff thanks to his infidelity and find someone who she actually deserves, not a scumbag who cheats on her.

I once spent the night with a guy who told me he was single. Later I found out he had a fiancé. So I messaged her and told her everything. She was devastated and angry with him. She had the nerve to tell me not to sleep with men who behaved like that (like her man ) then she went on to marry him and broadcast to Facebook the happy wedding pictures and images of a perfect relationship.

There are women pathetic enough to stay with that sort of man and telling them won't change a thing. This type of woman will put up with it because they like the security, dual income, family holidays and most of all going on social media and giving the appearance of a perfect relationship. Telling her will be futile because if she has any sense she will already suspect but is willing to overlook his misdemeanours.

If I were the wife in this situation and you told me, OP, I wouldn't be able to see any motivation other than revenge against him. I certainly wouldn't be convinced that you suddenly had my wellbeing in mind. That being the case, it would feel to me as if you hoped to blow up our lives to punish him, and I and any children would just be collateral damage in your quest for vengeance. That could potentially be more hurtful and damaging to me than the affair itself. The affair was presumably conducted not to hurt me, but to make you two feel good. This would most definitely feel like you were trying to hurt me, and weaponise me and my family. Much more personal. I might judge you harder for that than for sleeping with my husband. It's one thing to put a jar of nitroglycerine under my life, and quite another to strike a match and light it.

And I'd wonder why you felt you had been wronged and deserved vengeance. What exactly do you expect if you get involved with an unavailable man?

I have no motive of revenge against him. I'm not angry with him and I don't want to ruin his life.

And I'm far too much of a coward to do it.

I just am facing the guilt and shame and realisation and thinking out loud.

@sanfranfibber

I have no motive of revenge against him. I'm not angry with him and I don't want to ruin his life.

And I'm far too much of a coward to do it.

I just am facing the guilt and shame and realisation and thinking out loud.

I think this is key. Telling her would be an outlet for that guilt and shame, a cleansing ritual of sorts. What is harder is to really sit with that guilt and shame, by which I don't mean self flagellating, but really sitting with it and examining how on earth you allowed yourself to behave that way. What have you learned, what would you do differently, what do you need to change to make sure you don't end up doing something damaging to yourself and others again etc. It's slow and painful work examining our own bad decisions and taking total ownership over them, but it's a way to learn and grow.