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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I better my utterly ridiculous

58 replies

airbagged · 26/02/2021 12:55

Long story short and I don't want to talk to anyone irl. NC for this as I have lots of fr ends on here .
So as not to dripfeed, my exh had an affair under my nose for a year and I never realised . He left. That was nearly two years ago .
I am in a relationship of six months, probably the most equal cherishing one I've ever had however I've just seen, through a suggested friend on insta , that he has liked a post of a beautiful model.. well rather a self portrait painting.
When I met him initially I noticed that he did this to one or two other 'artists'. At that time he commented ... stunning or hot etc. I explained that I found this to be creepy and sleazy . We disagreed but he accepted that these were boundaries for me .
There has been no activity since until a few days ago. Same artist . No comment. Just a like. I accept thatI have been terribly hurt in the past but also accepted t that in order to trust again, I need to trust again.
I also noticed that during our relationship while exchanging birthday wishes on another social media platform that he responded to a very recent ex with a love heart. This was the only love heart he used when responding to the very many wishes . She finished a few months before we met as she wasn't ready to be in a relationship .
Am I being utterly ridiculous or is this normal after my experiences and also wwyd. We speak regularly of the future and as far as we are concerned , we are committed . Spend all our free time together through covid etc . No other flags . Thanks

OP posts:
airbagged · 26/02/2021 13:04

Sorry ... Am I being ...?

OP posts:
redheadwitch · 26/02/2021 13:09

You can no longer see on the IG feed what people comment/like.
So, you must be actively going on to that models page and viewing the likes and comments.
I'm afraid if anyone is acting inappropriately here, its you.

Everyone is entitled to boundaries, however I think yours seem a little OTT. You must have some pretty severe insecurities if your bf "liking" a post on SM makes you so paranoid that you go actively searching for his activity.

airbagged · 26/02/2021 13:09

Anyone ??

OP posts:
airbagged · 26/02/2021 13:11

Thanks. I am afraid of Trusting a man again for sure . I am healing through this and he has given me no reason to doubt his faithfulness . I know I am
Damaged but really want to work through this and enjoy what we have which is pretty special. I want to trust so much but I don't want them be a mug either

OP posts:
crumbsnamechange · 26/02/2021 13:13

You spend ALL your free time together?

Girl, get yourself a hobby!

I have nothing else to say apart from you're probably spending way too much time stalking him online.

airbagged · 26/02/2021 13:22

So Am I being utterly ridiculous?? Our free time to s very limited as we are parents and we are bubbled up.

OP posts:
mxmxm · 26/02/2021 13:24

i wouldn’t say you’re being ‘ridiculous’ as such, more just that you’ve been hurt in the past and are worried that it’ll happen again, and so subconsciously these incredibly minor things seem like they’re so much more than they actually are.

JorisBonson · 26/02/2021 13:29

Maybe he just likes art?

Either way, if you feel like this 6 months (!) in maybe this relationship isn't right for you.

SomeRandomerOnBumsnet · 26/02/2021 13:31

@airbagged

So Am I being utterly ridiculous?? Our free time to s very limited as we are parents and we are bubbled up.
No, you're not being ridiculous. You have been hurt in the past, you feel vulnerable, understandably so. I am in a v secure and happy marriage. There is no way my DH would 'like' random women's photos on IG. Not because I told him not to, because he would think that is the behavior of a sleazeball.
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/02/2021 13:33

Yes, you are being ridiculous. It is not sleazy or creepy to like someone's photos just because they are the opposite sex and attractive. Jesus.

Come on. I'm sorry you've been hurt in the past, but if you don't give your head a wobble you're going to push this good, normal man away.

countbackfromten · 26/02/2021 13:39

You need to stop stalking him on social media if you want this to work!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/02/2021 13:42

How would you feel if he expected you to modify your, perfectly reasonable, behaviour, because of something his ex did?

How would you feel if he was delving into everything you like on social media in the hope of catching you out?

Maybe a relationship isn't right for you until you work out your issues within yourself first?

Brefugee · 26/02/2021 13:44

You can't control what people do on their own SM. How did you even see that? Were you checking up on him.

Too little trust, let him go, you're not ready

slashlover · 26/02/2021 13:44

He's not even liking a photo, he's liking a painting.

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 26/02/2021 13:47

I think you are being completely over the top about this. Understandably given your past.

My advise would be don't make your current partner pay for what the previous one did

airbagged · 26/02/2021 13:50

Is it reasonable to acknowledge an ex gf wishes with a heart emoji when everybody else got a simple thanks ?
I acknowledge that I am a bit of a mess and I truly appreciate the comments . I am Working through all of this and really do appreciate your thoughts and advice . I just need perspective today please .
I am on the verge of letting him
Go because he will get sick of me if these interactions are actually ok for a man in a committed relationship . Ii have told him I don't
Like them, we argued but he agreed not to do this anymore except this time
It's a nude painting . Why doesn't he ' like' her other paintings of vistas etc . I really do appreciate this help and perspective .

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 26/02/2021 13:57

I’m so glad my partners not like you it’s controlling and he’d be gone in a heartbeat . You have trust issues and you tell him he can’t like something he used to like before. Stop overthinking and enjoy the relationship. I still wish my ex’s happy birthday it’s normal if you were together a long time you don’t just switch off.

DavidsSchitt · 26/02/2021 13:57

For gods sake. He liked a painting.

Don't go to any Italian cities with him, naked statues at every turn!

You're obviously not ready for a relationship

Mydogmylife · 26/02/2021 13:58

I think you're at risk of punishing your current partner for the behaviour of your ex. Understandable perhaps, but the one who ends up loosing out is potentially yourself.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 26/02/2021 14:03

You're angry at him for liking a painting done by a woman on Instagram?

I say this nicely - you don't sound ready to be in a relationship and I don't think it's fair to try and enforce such OTT "boundaries" on another person in this way.

If a woman came on here and said her boyfriend got angry because she liked a painting done by a man, everyone would tell her to leave.

neutraliseacid · 26/02/2021 14:04

Yes you’re being utterly ridiculous and weird for going through his social media to keep track of what he’s liked or what emoji he’s used. You’re controlling

Needhelp101 · 26/02/2021 14:07

I agree with everyone else. You're (understandably) over reacting. I say this as someone who's exH also had a lengthy affair.

Chamomileteaplease · 26/02/2021 14:16

Well I seem to be the only one who is in agreement with you OP!

He doesn't "like" her other paintings, just the nude one = creepy and sleazy in my mind. And a bit disloyal to you, his girlfriend.

He says just thanks to everyone for birthday wishes, except a recent ex girlfriend to whom he sends a loveheart. Disconcerting at the very least.

I don't use SM to be completely honest here, but these two things do seem off to me. Hopefully someone else will agree with us soon Grin

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 26/02/2021 14:27

WAY ott

slashlover · 26/02/2021 14:30

I don't use SM to be completely honest here, but these two things do seem off to me.

I heart all sorts of random folk on FB, I'm not sleeping with any of them.

Also, as someone has said, OP has to have specifically gone looking to know about what her DP is liking on insta.

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