Am I better my utterly ridiculous

[airbagged]

Long story short and I don't want to talk to anyone irl. NC for this as I have lots of fr ends on here .
So as not to dripfeed, my exh had an affair under my nose for a year and I never realised . He left. That was nearly two years ago .
I am in a relationship of six months, probably the most equal cherishing one I've ever had however I've just seen, through a suggested friend on insta , that he has liked a post of a beautiful model.. well rather a self portrait painting.
When I met him initially I noticed that he did this to one or two other 'artists'. At that time he commented ... stunning or hot etc. I explained that I found this to be creepy and sleazy . We disagreed but he accepted that these were boundaries for me .
There has been no activity since until a few days ago. Same artist . No comment. Just a like. I accept thatI have been terribly hurt in the past but also accepted t that in order to trust again, I need to trust again.
I also noticed that during our relationship while exchanging birthday wishes on another social media platform that he responded to a very recent ex with a love heart. This was the only love heart he used when responding to the very many wishes . She finished a few months before we met as she wasn't ready to be in a relationship .
Am I being utterly ridiculous or is this normal after my experiences and also wwyd. We speak regularly of the future and as far as we are concerned , we are committed . Spend all our free time together through covid etc . No other flags . Thanks

I think you need some kind of counselling your last experiences are affecting your life now.
It’s easy for people to say not all men are cheats and spiteful but you’re lived a time in your life where this was the case. It Durand mean it will happen shaky. But you have to learn to trust again.

I've had lots of counselling mostly about my marriage as it was . I was lied to for so long and thought I was going mad .
I guess that when we had this can't before about my finding it sleazy and creepy to be liking or commenting on naked art , I thought it was resolved .
These comments are so helpful. In my mind I'm being ridiculous but my body is full of
Anxiety.: does that make sense ???

@Chamomileteaplease

Well I seem to be the only one who is in agreement with you OP!

He doesn't "like" her other paintings, just the nude one = creepy and sleazy in my mind. And a bit disloyal to you, his girlfriend.

He says just thanks to everyone for birthday wishes, except a recent ex girlfriend to whom he sends a loveheart. Disconcerting at the very least.

I don't use SM to be completely honest here, but these two things do seem off to me. Hopefully someone else will agree with us soon

So many posters on here desperate to be the cool wives / girlfriends

Back in the real world, random men 'liking' random women's sexy photos / paintings, whatever. Sleazy, that's all there is to it

I agree that its not very appropriate behaviour for someone in a relationship, I would be upset too.

I think its compounded by your insecurities based on what's happened in the past, and that you have every right to assure these boundaries whilst acknowledging the need to work on your self esteem and reconciliation with trust in a relationship.

I also think appreciating the art or whatever PPs have said it is, is quite different to publicly seeking the creators attention through sexualised comments. That's not appreciating the art, it's him objectifying the model's body, publicly, and in an attention seeking way.

Mm there's no issue liking people's pictures but if he is only liking the nude self portrait and ignoring the rest it's a bit wrong in my opinion if you are in a relationship... Also does he usually put hearts on peoples posts or only the ex as if its only the ex t

Sorry hadn't finished! If he only puts hearts on ex posts and noone else that's not really either but tell him how it makes u feel and he should respect that and not dfo it anymore but there is nothing wrong in liking women's photos as long as not all raunchy ones

How do you think I should address this ?

No couldn’t get worked up over this and I certainly wouldn’t want to go through his Social media and look at what he’s liking and commenting on .
It sounds to me you don’t trust him and I get that after your ex but you can’t assume every man is like your ex . If they are going to be unfaithful they will be unfaithful I doubt very much him liking a post on social media means you’ve caught him cheating and you saying to him that you don’t like it what do think that will achieve?
I mean if you believe he’s going to cheat you saying that to him isn’t going to make him think oh shit she’s on to me .
Let it go or don’t get into relationships as your are going to over think every little thing.

So many posters on here desperate to be thecoolwives / girlfriends

Oh how original. People who believe relationships should be based on trust, and have no issue with their partners liking paintings of women or even liking a post from an ex are desperate to be cool

Back in the real world most of us realise that the ops obsessive behaviour is going to cause serious issues, not because of the pretty innocuous stuff her dp is doing, but because her ex screwed her over and this poor guy is getting the fall out from that.

Telling op she is right to be scrolling through his likes and posts and question him about it isn't doing her any favours whatsoever. Nothing to do with being cool. That behaviour is not on at all.

OP maybe your issues are too raw to be in this relationship. Please work on yourself and your own healing.

Perhaps I am just not ready.

Personally I don't think you're ready for a relationship at this time. You seem utterly desperate to catch him out for anything you can, and IMO it's clutching at straws. I think it's unfair on both of you to continue this relationship. You aren't ready to trust him, and he will be on constant eggshells. Possibly look into seeking more counselling?
As for addressing it as you mentioned above - I wouldn't expect a thrilled reaction from dp. You're projecting your past hurt onto him, and effectively spying on him online.
I hope you can find some peace with your past and be happy in your future xx

The thing is, the way he is behaving is creating anxiety in you.

It doesn't matter who is 'at fault' here. It only matters that at this moment in time, the two of you are incompatible.

For both your sakes, the best thing to do is to end the relationship. That will give you a chance to focus on your healing to the extent that you do not doubt your own boundaries.

When you know your own boundaries, you are then ready to date. When you are clear on what you will and won't accept in a relationship, other people's opinions don't matter. I don't care if the rest of the world believes I'm wrong in refusing to date a man who has a dog. It doesn't work for me.

Get to know yourself. Get to know your own preferences and desires. Then trust yourself. Who cares what Mumsnet thinks?! What do YOU think?

I think it not appropriate to like a painting of a naked lady , even if it is art, when he knows that I have trust issues and we have had this conversation some months ago and as far as I was concerned , it would not happen again. It screams disrespect to me . Ok it may be unreasonable to many but it is my unreasonable and I don't like it and there is no room for this in my life . My mantra always was that a man should add to my life , not take from it. I am sitting here full of anxiety . He is mad and feels like I think he is a pervert because I'm his eyes , He likes the work of an artist albeit mostly naked etchings , whereas it is a boundary of mine that I have addressed, discussed, resolved and now he has done it again. He is entitled to do what he wants in sm, but I don't have to like it and in this instance I don't . He knew that and yet did it anyway .

And thank you .

You seem to be very unsure of your new partner... the fact that you are stalking him online in various platforms says it all.
I appreciate that you come from a raw place means that you will be highly suspicious.
Maybe take a step back and heal yourself first.
As to your new partner, yes, some of what you've said is over the line, but liking a piece of art?

He has responded by saying, for all intents and Purposes, that if I'm Uncomfortable with him Liking pictures of naked women/ art ...then so be it . I replied by saying that if that's the case, then we need to finish. He hasn't responded . I am disappointed of course, but a man who has ignored my concerns and needs in a relationship is not a man I want a relationship with. Some
Call it control , some
Call it expressing needs and aligned values . We are not aligned or compatible in this way so it can't work .
I expect we are finished now and it is possibly a good time to keep trying to heal and build up my ability to trust again. Thanks for all your thoughtful replies .

I think it’s best it’s over tbh. He does seem a bit sleezy, someone commenting “hot!” at naked art is so off-putting it would almost be a deal-breaker for me. (I wouldn’t mind someone liking the art and posting thought-through comments about it though.)

BUT you are not ready to be in a relationship at all. You need to work on your insecurities and fears so please don’t jump back into a new relationship until you have done the work. You will only be hurt and will likely be toxic to whoever you date until you have learned to deal with your fears proactively in a healthy manner.

If he was just liking paintings or random posts then fine.

But he is specifically liking naked paintings of the women themselves, and commenting that they are hot? That is different, especially the comments make it different.

And I also see what you mean about the hearting the ex.

I don't think you are being U, OP.

You sound extremely controlling - threatening to finish with him because he liked a nude painting

I see that you’re anxious given your history, but you shouldn’t tar the new guy with the same brush. I honestly don’t think you are ready for a relationship at the moment.

If he hearted all replies then no problem, hearting just one means it's more important and when that's an ex I don't blame you for feeling a bit uncomfortable with it - especially as they only broke up because she wasn't ready.

Saying people are hot or stunning even if it is only a painting of them is not something I'd appreciate either. I wouldn't expect him to go round telling people they were hot or stunning in real life so I wouldn't expect it on SM either. Are these people he actually knows though or just celebs or what?? If it is people that he has no chance of ever meeting then it's not such a big deal and just liking it seems fine to me - he maybe thought you just objected to the words he used and didn't realise liking was an issue.

You're not very secure OP which is not surprising after what you've been through, I think you have to either really, really talk to him about this, tell him exactly what you can and can't cope with and see if he feels it is acceptable to him. For example are you uncomfortable with him even looking? Or is it just the liking and commenting? What did he mean by 'so be it?' did he mean you'd have to learn to tolerate it if you wanted to stay together or did he mean he understood and wouldn't do it? Communication is key OP xxx

You have to talk about the heart and tell him how that made you feel and why. I think he really needs to understand that you need someone extremely considerate because you've been through a lot and are very easily hurt. That might be too much for him

I need to talk with him. I feel very embarrassed that I am have to going to say that I read his messages on his Facebook feed and that the only heart he replied with was to his ex who finished with him before he got with me . I don't even know how to broach that.
I feel that it was wrong and unacceptable to me but embarrassed nonetheless .

You don't have to say anything.

You can't accept this about him, he has no desire to change.

You're simply incompatible, and you can just say that to him without getting into the details.

Its only been a few months.

I think that unless and until you fully address the issues underlying your relationships (issues that almost certainly started in your family of birth), you will continue to choose men who are untrustworthy.