To feel a bit let down by my Mum?

[Squish3]

Long post 😅
I’ve just had my first DC and I guess it’s made me really look at my relationship with my own mum. She’s never been the affectionate type. She was always home with us while dad worked. We weren’t a very well off family at all but they made sure we always had everything we needed to get by. We weren’t brought up doing any family stuff really...no meals together, no days out together, no holidays etc.

She’s never really been interested in doing what I would class as “mother/daughter” stuff eg, She didn’t take me shopping for my prom dress - I went alone because everyone else went with their mums (petty to hang onto that I know, but it’s really stuck with me!).

When I found out I was pregnant my dad told me “you’re never going to get rid of your mum, you know that don’t you? She’s been excited for this day for as long as I can remember!”. I told her I was pregnant, she told me she was delighted, then that’s pretty much all I heard from her. She’d never really check in to see how I was unless I’d called her for something then she’d ask. There was no excited chat about baby things, no offering advice (even if I phoned asking for it she’d just say she didn’t know🙄), no shopping looking at baby clothes. I guess just none of the stuff that friends have had with their mums 🤷🏻‍♀️ In fact, one day when I was pregnant and I was with her in the car she commented on how she just feels better being a “hands off” mum. Whatever that means 🤷🏻‍♀️ Yet whoever I’d bump into any family friends... “your mum is so excited!” 🤔

Flash forward to now when DC is here. First grandchild. She doesn’t ever ask how we are - in fact, she never contacts us first. Never offers help/advice even when it’s asked for etc. Her household is supposed to be my “support bubble” and we’re going to try and stay as isolated as possible...yet she decided that going to meet random friends (non socially distant) and a million trips to the supermarket each week are more important so that was the support bubble out the window. No offer to pick stuff up for us that we might need on any of these trips either. Yet I bump into family friends “ohhh, your mum raves about him!” Blah blah blah! 🙄

I have asked her to do these things...the baby/prom shopping etc. The answer is always “maybe...”, change of conversation never to be revisited.

Maybe I just need to accept the fact she’s not that interested in me 🤷🏻‍♀️😅 I’m a grown up, I don’t need her to do anything for me at all...but it would be nice for her to want to offer advice/help, or maybe spend time with me 🤷🏻‍♀️ It just makes me feel a bit sad if I’m honest.
I look at my DS and can’t imagine not wanting to do things with him that he’s asking me to do 🤔
Am I just being bratty?

My mother is similar and as an adult I have a very strained relationship with her. Total non interest when I was a child. No idea why she had children at all - I think it was because it was expected of her. She has always put herself first and always will.

She also has friends that says she chats about her children and grandchildren (she never sees them and never made any effort at all) yet her friends assume she is a great grandmother - I think it is a show off thing so about her and not them.

It stinks but it is what it is and you will be a great mother despite her lack of interest.

@katy1213

YABU to expect her to curtail her life so she can be your support bubble. Do your own shopping!

Try actually reading what the OP has said.

No need for your nasty comments.

[quote ILoveYou3000]@Coyoacan

May I ask what you consider real in terms of a mother-daughter relationship?

I'm genuinely curious, as that which you're stating you find so strange is very much the norm in my world. [/quote]
I agree @Iloveyou3000

It's not that we saw a Hallmark movie about a woman going shopping with her mum and believe that this and only this is symbolic of a perfect mother-daughter relationship. It's her taking a day to day interest, her caring, her wanting to be a part of your life that's missing from many of our relationships with our mums. Yes, the OP's mum might sound interesting but 'interesting' is a quality you want in an acquaintance, it's not one of the top traits you'd want in a mother. All my mum's friends love her, they think she's 'interesting'. She's not a good mum though.

@ILoveYou3000

Fair dos. My friends (who are mostly grandmothers) are all different, but the OP's friends all have mothers cut from the same cloth as all your friends. How bloody boring

My mum is like this too, OP. Try reading The Emotionally Absent Mother, it shone a light on a lot of things from my childhood, and it's been useful to help ensure I don't repeat the same things with my children.

@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly

Whao, not only do you not approve of the mother's conduct, but she is not a good mum? Are women supposed to be slaves to our adult children?

I personally think that our duties as mothers end when our children grow up safe and sound. Anything else is extra. People like you probably hold the threat of the care home over their parents everytime they do something only thinking of themselves

@Coyoacan

Sorry, OP, put I get the impression that you have an idea of mythical normal mother that everyone else has and you don't. Have you tried getting to know the mother you actually have instead of complaining because she is not some factory-produced mother?

Wow. Don't know how you got that impression. When my dd wanted a prom dress we made a day of it. 4 girls and 3 mums, 1 mum had to work. We mums didn't really know each other but we made it work because it's what our girls wanted. As for shopping for baby things that must be one of the loveliest things you can do together. Mine's not there yet. Are you the ops mum?

@Coyoacan

Why boring? Many mothers (who are also grandmothers) that I'm speaking about are a hoot. They have varied interests and hobbies, and a bit more of a broad mind than you clearly do. It isn't even about the shopping (personally I hate shopping). As in the OP's case, it's about having a mother who takes an interest in your life and makes effort to be a part of it. Why is that boring?

My mum's similar. I certainly didn't go wedding dress shopping with her , she wouldn't have said anything nice or useful. Prom wasn't a thing when I was that age but again, she it would have been beyond her comprehension that I might want to spend money on a nice dress.
I remember at the nct groups etc , it seemed as though most of the others had mums who did loads for them.

I do a limited amount with her these days. In a normal year will see her maybe 3x. It makes fitting things in at Christmas easier as I never see her on the day .

[quote Coyoacan]@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly

Whao, not only do you not approve of the mother's conduct, but she is not a good mum? Are women supposed to be slaves to our adult children?

I personally think that our duties as mothers end when our children grow up safe and sound. Anything else is extra. People like you probably hold the threat of the care home over their parents everytime they do something only thinking of themselves[/quote]
This is so revealing. Our 'duties' as mothers. Like motherhood is one long chore you can't wait to be shot of. What about our pleasures as mothers? Our delight in wanting to befriend our adult DC's long term partners, support them when they move into their first homes, when they have children, getting to know our grandchildren? My auntie has done all of this and my mother did nothing of it. As a result she is so close to her sons and D-i-Ls whereas my DH hasn't spoken to my parents in years and I only speak to them once a fortnight.

For those dismissing or sneering at OP, I'm sure you can make a jump from what you would want and what someone else would want in a mother. And OP is sad and disappointed, she's not attacking her mother. Some comments are bizarre like do your shopping yourself, as if that's remotely what Squish meant...

Squish, I totally get it - the details and circumstances are not teh same for me, but my relationship with my mum is a million miles from what I'd love to have with my own daughters. I'm 50 and it never really goes away, that sadness, but I have as good a relationship as I can with her and I think we do love each other.

[quote Coyoacan]@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly

Whao, not only do you not approve of the mother's conduct, but she is not a good mum? Are women supposed to be slaves to our adult children?

I personally think that our duties as mothers end when our children grow up safe and sound. Anything else is extra. People like you probably hold the threat of the care home over their parents everytime they do something only thinking of themselves[/quote]
I was talking about my own mum, who is similar to the OPs mum. Having known her for decades I'm qualified to make a judgement about my own mum and she wasn't and isn't a good mother.

Nobody here has wished that their mother was their slave, just hoped for a mother to take an interest in them and want to see their grandkids. It's not a big ask, pretty normal in any family. It's odd that you think this basic level of interest is 'being a slave'. Humans are social creatures after all and not lizards who eat their young.

Your 'people like you holding the threat of a care home over their parents' comment reveals a lot about you but nothing about me. My mum is only in her 50s so it would be pretty weird for me to threaten to put her in a home!

Completely agree, bluebirds. It's about having a relationship.
I would offer to help my friends if they needed it, but it wouldn't occur to my mother (or father) to ever offer me help as I'm grown up and, in their eyes, their job is done. It's sad. They still complain if I don't see them enough though!

I'm grown up and, in their eyes, their job is done. It's sad. They still complain if I don't see them enough though!
not only is their job done, it is now YOUR job to attend to their needs...
you have been warned, dont waste too much time hoping they will be kind and supportive, they now expect support from you ever after in return for the privilege of being allowed to reach 18 still alive and with all 4 limbs

[quote Coyoacan]@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly

Whao, not only do you not approve of the mother's conduct, but she is not a good mum? Are women supposed to be slaves to our adult children?

I personally think that our duties as mothers end when our children grow up safe and sound. Anything else is extra. People like you probably hold the threat of the care home over their parents everytime they do something only thinking of themselves[/quote]
Glad you’re not my mum

Thanks everyone for your messages ❤️ I’m sorry that so many of you have similar feelings about your own Mums ❤️

For those asking about MIL...she’s lovely. We have always got along quite well. We’re still trying to find a good balance to our relationship since baby has arrived. We have had a few arguments but we’re getting there 😊

I can relate OP. My mum has never been into mumsy-daughter things, is a real extrovert and always preferred to be socialising with friends and acquaintances than having nights in with her fam! (sounds wild, but it wasn't - e.g. she'd simply get really hung up on work / friend situations more often than not, or desperate to attend nights out, but didn't give our birthdays etc much thought, preferred to work rather than spend the weekend in). There is more to the story but in a nutshell I have felt quite alone at some crucial points in my life, when other girls would have had their mum there. Mine is a lovely mum and a caring person - it's just the way she is. A free bird! She always saw my dad as the hands-on parent so left a lot of the emotional things (and everything else) to him, which means my dad and I have always been very close, but there have also been occasions when I needed someone else on my side when we didn't see eye to eye.

Figure out if your mum is just 'being her', or if she is being a bit resentful underneath. She sounds disinterested and bc I don't know her it's hard to say if that stems from her just being the way she is, or if it is because she is resentful in some way ?

In any case, she is her own problem, and her mindset is not a reflection of you as a person.

My dad had a horrible upbringing and he's always said "there are two types of parents in this world - those who learn from their past and do things differently, and those who pass the same old behaviours down"...