To feel a bit let down by my Mum?

[Squish3]

Long post 😅
I’ve just had my first DC and I guess it’s made me really look at my relationship with my own mum. She’s never been the affectionate type. She was always home with us while dad worked. We weren’t a very well off family at all but they made sure we always had everything we needed to get by. We weren’t brought up doing any family stuff really...no meals together, no days out together, no holidays etc.

She’s never really been interested in doing what I would class as “mother/daughter” stuff eg, She didn’t take me shopping for my prom dress - I went alone because everyone else went with their mums (petty to hang onto that I know, but it’s really stuck with me!).

When I found out I was pregnant my dad told me “you’re never going to get rid of your mum, you know that don’t you? She’s been excited for this day for as long as I can remember!”. I told her I was pregnant, she told me she was delighted, then that’s pretty much all I heard from her. She’d never really check in to see how I was unless I’d called her for something then she’d ask. There was no excited chat about baby things, no offering advice (even if I phoned asking for it she’d just say she didn’t know🙄), no shopping looking at baby clothes. I guess just none of the stuff that friends have had with their mums 🤷🏻‍♀️ In fact, one day when I was pregnant and I was with her in the car she commented on how she just feels better being a “hands off” mum. Whatever that means 🤷🏻‍♀️ Yet whoever I’d bump into any family friends... “your mum is so excited!” 🤔

Flash forward to now when DC is here. First grandchild. She doesn’t ever ask how we are - in fact, she never contacts us first. Never offers help/advice even when it’s asked for etc. Her household is supposed to be my “support bubble” and we’re going to try and stay as isolated as possible...yet she decided that going to meet random friends (non socially distant) and a million trips to the supermarket each week are more important so that was the support bubble out the window. No offer to pick stuff up for us that we might need on any of these trips either. Yet I bump into family friends “ohhh, your mum raves about him!” Blah blah blah! 🙄

I have asked her to do these things...the baby/prom shopping etc. The answer is always “maybe...”, change of conversation never to be revisited.

Maybe I just need to accept the fact she’s not that interested in me 🤷🏻‍♀️😅 I’m a grown up, I don’t need her to do anything for me at all...but it would be nice for her to want to offer advice/help, or maybe spend time with me 🤷🏻‍♀️ It just makes me feel a bit sad if I’m honest.
I look at my DS and can’t imagine not wanting to do things with him that he’s asking me to do 🤔
Am I just being bratty?

That makes me feel very sad for your OP but shows just how amazing a mother you are to be everything your own parent wasn't. I do hope that all of these hands-off, disengaged mothers do not expect any caring for.

"Yet whoever I’d bump into any family friends... “your mum is so excited!”
"Yet I bump into family friends “ohhh, your mum raves about him!” Blah blah blah!"

These two comments stood out to me @Squish3 . Because they no doubt jar whenever anyone says it to you. Your mother is uninterested but tells all and sundry - well, a pack of lies. And then these people come to you and repeat her lies, expecting you to be all cheerful about her excitement/reving and chime in; when they've just confirmed that even your mother knows she's supposed to be interested, enough to cover it up with her lies .

Personally, I'd be hard pushed to respond to them with anything other than "Really? That's 'News' to me." Because she doesn't deserve their approval, and they don't deserve her lies.

Be the mother you wanted for yourself for your own child, that's all you can do. Show your child love, warmth, interest in their life & hopefully they'll repeat it for their own child.

Disengage from your mum, carry on with your life and stop wanting her to be someone that she's naturally not. Accept that she's disconnected from you and move on without her. It's not easy to do but very necessary to preserve your own mental health.

@Wobbitcatcher

My mums very similar, I don’t think she realises though. With mine it’s selfishness, not nastiness or anything. My kids are something for her to brag about and to post pictures online for her friends to Comment on but not to actually do much with them.

My mums mum was significantly more like it though so I don’t think my mum knows any better

Totally agree with this.

It isn’t malicious but an ignorance. And a repeated cycle from their own upbringing.

I think a few of us on this thread can relate. Our DM’s are not on the scale that you read on “But I took you to a stately home” thread but they’ve checked out. Their role as a DM was to pro create, get you to adulthood, and show you off to friends about how successful they are as a mother and grandmother (but not actually do the things they say they’re doing).

I said to someone this week that my DC have the childhood I always dreamed of - stability, fun and importantly love, lots and lots of love.

My realisation that my adult DM did it so wrong was only when I saw how my MIL is with her children (my DH/SIL’s) and grandchildren.

MIL is in the premier league compare to my DM. Worlds apart. As an older parent, she’s present, she’s interested in all of our lives. MIL dotes on her children and their partners (inc me) treating us as her own. Her words are backed up with action.

I miss that my DM isn’t like that but at the same time, I feel for my DM. She had a shocking childhood and actually, she’s done an amazing to be only eccentric (not toxic) as an adult parent. There’s love and selfishness but not bad intent.

Oh, this is hard. It's one thing if she is clearly 'hands-off' and not available to help you out a bit, but obviously she's complicating things by presenting herself to others as Super-Gran.

It sounds like you need to make space for yourself to grieve for the kind of mother/daughter relationship you hoped you'd have.

Also worth reaching out to your dad a bit more if you can. Sometimes men are better at being granddads than dads.

No real advice, just solidarity.

We live overseas and my mum makes so little effort to stay connected with us or the grandchildren although whenever I speak to anyone back home it’s all ‘oh your mum missed you and the kids soooooo much’

My parents divorced (horribly) when I was 14 and my dad was never to be seen again. My mum very quickly moved on with my stepdad and by 15 I was very much left to fend for myself. I still feel very let down by her lack of ‘mothering’ from that point onwards so do think I’ve become a bit defensive and ‘I don’t need you’ towards her which (when I’m feeling rational) can concede that this might be part of the reason we’re not close.

I dunno, it’s really hard especially when I have friends who rave about their mums and I see how involved they are with their lives and their kids. I have two boys but am now expecting a girl and it scares me to be honest that I won’t know how to relate to her.

@Sapho47 My dad is great 😊...useless with advice tbh but he gives it a good go 🤣

@Coyoacan I don’t think I’m looking for a mythical “normal mother” at all. I have a decent relationship with my mum, it’s not all bad. I just wish she was a bit more emotionally invested 🤷🏻‍♀️

@katy1213 well that’s me told 🤣😬 I do my own shopping thanks 🤣

You complained that she didn't offer to pick stuff up for you - your words.

@katy1213

You complained that she didn't offer to pick stuff up for you - your words.

She said that in the context of being a new mum.

@katy1213 I did 😊 simply pointing out that despite her offering to shield (she works from home anyway) so that she could be as covid safe as possible and be there to help me with my first child, she then decided that she wouldn’t do that and instead she would visit the supermarket 4 times a week and meet up with everyone and anyone 🙄 I do think it would be a nice thing to do on one of her many trips to the shop to phone and see if I need anything 🤷🏻‍♀️ She passes my house on the way there and back. It wouldn’t be out of her way.
I was simply pointing out the kind of person she is 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Squish3. I'm glad because I don't recognise the type of women you say are the mothers of all your friends. I certainly wouldn't like to hang out with them.

@MoveHouse it’s nice to hear something positive about a MIL for once! I’m really trying to work on my relationship with mine 🤞🏼 sorry your own DM was the same. I guess seeing that she had a tough upbringing maybe make you understand her position a bit better? As far as I’m aware, my DMs childhood was “normal” 🤷🏻‍♀️ Her parents are still alive, they’re separated but that happened after she was grown up 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Coyoacan Really?! What makes them bad?! 🤔😳

I could have written your post OP. My dm is totally disengaged from us but holds herself out to be a doting involved grandmother to anyone who will listen. I still find it hard to understand her lack of involvement when my first in particular was born. I would have given anything for her to pop over for a coffee/walk but she never did and instead just expected me to visit her weekly. She was young and healthy but was just so cold and disinterested. I had a baby with terrible colic and looking back, I really was on the edge with no support. I texted her one morning on my knees asking for help after my six week old daughter had screamed all night from 11pm to 5am. Her response was that I was welcome to drive over to visit her that day. My children are getting older now and I do find it hard not to feel resentful. Even at the school gates, I get jealous of those with grandparents doing pickup and I’m very very envious of friends that seem to get a huge amount of support from grandparents. My children are fab and I can’t understand why my dm wouldn’t want to spend time with them. We are still doing the weekly visit to her and that is the height of it. I wouldnt be comfortable disengaging from her as I know that it would cause her huge distress and at the end of the day she is my mother. As other people have mentioned, I do find solace in knowing that I am a very different parent and I know that my daughter won’t be writing a similar post if she has children of her own some day. I’m certainly not a perfect parent but I make sure that my children know how much they’re loved every day and how enthusiastic I am about their lives. You sound like a great mother and you’re not alone.

There will be lots of advice and support on the statelyhomes thread on relationships board

Honestly, when people come up to you and say how much she does on him or whatever, look really confused and say "really? I didn't know that, she never even asks about him." Not nastily just that it's strange and sad. Maybe the word will get back to her that way and she'll listen to her friends more than you.

My MIl is a bit like this. She sort of pretends to be really interested (and always makes sure she takes LOADS of photos) but hasn’t seen her GC for ages and has babysat once in 4 years. She can’t seem to say anything nice. I’m not really sure why she can’t be nice- it seems to be almost painful for her! I haven’t confronted it as I am Fortunate to have a lovely mum, but if she was my mum I think I’d have to ask her what the issue is.

YANBU - I think becoming a parent often highlights bits that were 'missed' by our own - especially if these were significant, this was true for me. I love my mum and can see she was a product of her own upbringing, and critically no abuse issues but a general lack of engagement/relationship with me/grandkids - although we did have a period of closeness after my first DC was born that I'll always be grateful for. She lives abroad now, and we have minimal contact but I really noticed the difference between my parents and in-laws from early on - phoning, when are we seeing you, etc etc. I think I can count on my fingers how often my mum has called me in my life! Sadly she is becoming I'll with dementia, I will care for her if needed and make sure she's looked after but I do mourn that mother/daughter close relationship.

I agree with the minority of other posters that you are being a bit harsh on your mum.

By your own admission you have a decent enough relationship. She's not abusive or toxic. She's just not gushy or an American style apple pie mom.

It is what it is. You can't change her and what would be the point of making disparaging comments about her or going no contact other than to cause hurt or anger.

My mum is very similar FWIW.

@Sapho47 you can’t even compare a mother daughter relationship to a father daughter one though, they are different. Usually. Most women find themselves wanting support from their mums when they have a baby as their mums went through the exact same. Men aren’t mothers, although I know some like to think it’s comparable. ( not belittling dads but it IS different ). Op I’m actually yet to meet a mum that doesn’t get these feelings when they have a baby tbh!! A lot of people offer support and come and visit when the baby is born then it dies off very quickly, you just don’t usually expect it from your mum. It’s crap it really is but you can also learn from your parents mistakes and be a better parent for it

Very similar with my DM. She never finds the joy in her grandchildren, or in anything I’ve done. Everything is a endured rather than enjoyed. It’s taken me a long time to know I won’t change her. I just know I’m parenting very different. My children are 18, 13 and 10 and they know they’re my world and I’m so proud of them.

My mum is just like this. I was well provided for and looked after but it always felt like my mum was behind an invisible wall where I couldn't reach her. She sort of floated around us without actually connecting. Even now, she never rings me or suggests meeting up, we have never said "I love you."

It is hard, because so many of my friends have this cuddly, loving Mum who they adore and put on a pedestal. I have coped by being a better mother myself, we hug and say I love you very freely.

There's no point discussing it, she is who she is. Just accept, let go and focus on your role as a mother, you'll find happiness there.

Another here, my DM was also like this. Would only do, or say, things that made her look good to others. I can’t remember much affection, but was clothed and fed. I was sent to a good school, but any of my achievements were claimed by her as a mark of good parenting.
She refused to come wedding dress shopping with me. When my first child was born, despite living in the same city, took 3 days to come and see him, then her gift was a pair of socks. Showed no interest in either of my children and eventually went to live abroad, hardly ever making contact with her GCs.
The best thing is to try not to let it affect your relationship with your children. You sound like a caring mum.

MIL is in the premier league compare to my DM. Worlds apart. As an older parent, she’s present, she’s interested in all of our lives. MIL dotes on her children and their partners (inc me) treating us as her own. Her words are backed up with action.

I learned everything about being a mother from my MIL. It's almost like we had the same one! It was a revelation to me to see her relationship with my late DH and SIL. And she's been a spectacular MIL and GM. We couldn't feel more loved and cared for.