To feel a bit let down by my Mum?

[Squish3]

Long post 😅
I’ve just had my first DC and I guess it’s made me really look at my relationship with my own mum. She’s never been the affectionate type. She was always home with us while dad worked. We weren’t a very well off family at all but they made sure we always had everything we needed to get by. We weren’t brought up doing any family stuff really...no meals together, no days out together, no holidays etc.

She’s never really been interested in doing what I would class as “mother/daughter” stuff eg, She didn’t take me shopping for my prom dress - I went alone because everyone else went with their mums (petty to hang onto that I know, but it’s really stuck with me!).

When I found out I was pregnant my dad told me “you’re never going to get rid of your mum, you know that don’t you? She’s been excited for this day for as long as I can remember!”. I told her I was pregnant, she told me she was delighted, then that’s pretty much all I heard from her. She’d never really check in to see how I was unless I’d called her for something then she’d ask. There was no excited chat about baby things, no offering advice (even if I phoned asking for it she’d just say she didn’t know🙄), no shopping looking at baby clothes. I guess just none of the stuff that friends have had with their mums 🤷🏻‍♀️ In fact, one day when I was pregnant and I was with her in the car she commented on how she just feels better being a “hands off” mum. Whatever that means 🤷🏻‍♀️ Yet whoever I’d bump into any family friends... “your mum is so excited!” 🤔

Flash forward to now when DC is here. First grandchild. She doesn’t ever ask how we are - in fact, she never contacts us first. Never offers help/advice even when it’s asked for etc. Her household is supposed to be my “support bubble” and we’re going to try and stay as isolated as possible...yet she decided that going to meet random friends (non socially distant) and a million trips to the supermarket each week are more important so that was the support bubble out the window. No offer to pick stuff up for us that we might need on any of these trips either. Yet I bump into family friends “ohhh, your mum raves about him!” Blah blah blah! 🙄

I have asked her to do these things...the baby/prom shopping etc. The answer is always “maybe...”, change of conversation never to be revisited.

Maybe I just need to accept the fact she’s not that interested in me 🤷🏻‍♀️😅 I’m a grown up, I don’t need her to do anything for me at all...but it would be nice for her to want to offer advice/help, or maybe spend time with me 🤷🏻‍♀️ It just makes me feel a bit sad if I’m honest.
I look at my DS and can’t imagine not wanting to do things with him that he’s asking me to do 🤔
Am I just being bratty?

@THisbackwithavengeance

I agree with the minority of other posters that you are being a bit harsh on your mum.

By your own admission you have a decent enough relationship. She's not abusive or toxic. She's just not gushy or an American style apple pie mom.

It is what it is. You can't change her and what would be the point of making disparaging comments about her or going no contact other than to cause hurt or anger.

My mum is very similar FWIW.

Since when was it gushy or American to want to spend time with your child, to take them on days out, to eat dinner together at the table, to want to talk to them about important life events, to want to be with/support them during important life events...?!

YANBU! My dm is the same (I am nc with her now for other reasons) gushy comments on Facebook about my nieces if my sil posts pictures, 'nanny's special princess, nanny loves you sooo much' when she's seen 2 year old niece once in her life and 8 year old niece maybe 5 times, and we all live in the same small town so not distance related.

Would insist on visiting my dc on Xmas day, then arrive with literally nothing (and yes I do know it's not all about presents) tell my very young dc how poor she was and that she'd take them out for a present later instead, then disappear again for months I could go on.

Maybe write her a long letter and get everything you've said here and more off your chest, don't bother sending it to her just have a real rant about it all, and yes one day get some counselling too. Enjoy your baby and be the mum you didn't have, I'm sorry you don't get any support from her but as you said look for it elsewhere and don't feel bad about that. You sound lovely btw!

I really feel for you that would make me so upset. Since having a child myself I have noticed so much more about my own parents and how I was bought up that has made me think 'I'm not going to do that to my LG'.
I always idolised my parents but I think you see flaws when you have your own, especially in the effort they make with your children. But on the other side I also see how hard it is being a parent and in other ways feel very grateful, it's a strange mix.
My Mum and Dad aren't together and your Mum sounds a lot like my Dad, who takes zero interest in me or my LG who is nearly 3 now. But what really gets me is that before I was pregnant he was a very hands on Dad who would call me weekly, took such an interest in my life and seemed to genuinely care about me. I've spoken to him about how I feel and like you have been with your Mum was dismissed and told I was being silly. He then makes slightly more of an effort and then stops again. I do think over time I've come to peace with it and just feel sorry for him now more than angry. He's missed out on what would have been a lovely relationship with her GD and luckily she has my FIL who absolutely makes up for my Dad's lack of interest. I've come to realise you can't change people, you just have to try to change how you react to them and not let it eat you up. I know it's a lot easier said than done.

YANBU My mum is like this too, and it's nothing to do with 'wishing I had an American apple pie mum'. It's about wanting to feel loved by a person who is supposed to care for you.

I have lived a couple of hundred miles away from my family for ten years now. My mum has never visited me in that time, despite numerous invitations. She hasn't phoned me since about 2006, and she was drunk then. We go months and months without any contact or texting. If I text her she'll reply, but she never texts me first; she's just not bothered.

Yet I ran into an old school friend who said she'd seen my mum in town and my mum was gushing to her how proud she was of me and how great I am. I can accept her not being interested in my life, but when she brags to people about me it feels really disingenuous.

In my mum's case I think she has undiagnosed ASD. She isn't comfortable showing emotion, she struggles to understand other people and has social anxiety. I try to understand things from her level, but it's hard when people talk about loving their mums, and all the things they do together. I have never had that.

The book 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' really helped me.

Good luck

@THisbackwithavengeance

I agree with the minority of other posters that you are being a bit harsh on your mum.

By your own admission you have a decent enough relationship. She's not abusive or toxic. She's just not gushy or an American style apple pie mom.

It is what it is. You can't change her and what would be the point of making disparaging comments about her or going no contact other than to cause hurt or anger.

My mum is very similar FWIW.

FWIW, I never said I was walking away 🤷🏻‍♀️ I purely asked if my feelings were justified 😊 she is who she is at the end of the day .

Out of interest, do you use the same criteria to judge other relationships? If a husband is not emotionally supportive but he’s not “toxic or abusive” then do you believe you should just accept that’s his the relationship is? 🤔

@katy1213

YABU to expect her to curtail her life so she can be your support bubble. Do your own shopping!

Oh fuck off and read the thread properly before commenting next time. This is about a lot more than just shopping 🙄

OP my own maternal grandmother was very disinterested in all of her grandchildren. She never looked after any of us, even during genuine a crisis. She was always cold and wasn’t at all maternal, and yet we were all forced to maintain a relationship with her by her parents. Made to go and sit in her house weekly, bored out of her brains whilst she showed zero interest in us. I used to watch my DM desperately try and get her approval and she never did.

Not sure what you can do really. What is your MIL like? Thankfully my paternal grandmother was the polar oppoosite.

I had the same with both my parents. in my case made worse by the very different treatment of my brother's children who did get very considerable attention. Up until my father passed away my children only spent two days with either of my parents on their own. They did get birthday and Christmas presents, but other grandkids had holidays, day trips and all the other grandparent type stuff. Irony is when my father become ill in late life my brother would not help him. Only then did he come and stay with us. Mentally this is painful, and I think we all look for the approval of our parents, especially our mums. I made a real mental effort to move away from this position. I and my husband made a real effort to forge our own family, and there were advantages in not having to please anybody else. But I still feel some resentment deep inside I have to say.

My mum is similar although she dotes on one of my sisters children. She simply couldn’t give a shit about mine. My son had a serious injury and she didn’t bother coming to see him in hospital. She has chosen to bubble with my sister and home educate her children. I was really surprised when she said something nice about my son the other I genuinely thought she couldn’t stand him.

I feel your pain op and I can tell not much stops it hurting. I hope it drives you to be a better mother than her. I wake everyday and know I show more love and affection in one day than she has in lifetime. I have no idea why cold emotionless women choose to have children, she shouldn’t have a fucking a goldfish tbh.

Maybe I just need to accept the fact she’s not that interested in me

OP I think you are right here though that does not mean this is easy to do and does not mean that it's not painful to realise that your mother is not really interested in mothering you. I do feel your pain as my family have a similar lack of interest and my dad does not know my kids (well he knows their names and has met them etc but when he is around them he reads his book rather than interact with them) but likes to present to others as if we are a proper family. I don't think he's being disingenuous, I just don't think he knows how others actually show interest in others, support one another, show that they care. Still painful to know that if I died he wouldn't care and if I really needed his help I would not get it. I remind myself that this is not about my limitations but his and also remember that he does not mean to cause harm he just can't put himself in another person's shoes (not ASD just highly defended).

I have a similar relationship with my mum. We now live 400miles apart. I love her. But I learnt along time ago not to expect to much from her. Don’t get me wrong she’s there when I need her to an extent. But then there are times when she should be here and she’s not.

Without sounding awful- lower your expectations then the disappointment doesn’t hurt as much xxx

@Squish3

I don't know, all this mother and daughter going shopping together stuff, doesn't sound real to me. Your mother sounds real and quite interesting.

Until mobile phones, social media and texting, it was perfectly normal not to hear from much loved family members for days or weeks. We got on with our own lives.

I think you may be underestimating the generational gap.

 Many people in my generation just dont  need (or want, or appreciate)  that constant  contact/support thing.  We  literally  don't live in each others pockets.   It doesn't mean we don't care  enough; it's just a different  mindset and lifestyle. 

     Proms, baby showers, having your mother sister friends  in the labour suite  were  never a thing in our  youth;  life was simpler, more independent,  more private  and we liked it that way.

My Mum is a bit like this too.

She lives quite a long way away and was never going to have any sense of wanting to be nearby to be part of our lives and was certainly never going to be the grandparent offering childcare.

My DC are teens now, but they have never invited them to stay for a weekend or arranged to meet them to do something. When we speak briefly on the phone, mum will never ask to speak to the DC and rarely asks what they are up to. She doesn’t have much of a relationship with them, which is a shame.

I think she saw being a Mum as quite hard work and a bit of a chore. Once I and my siblings were independent, it was a bit of a relief for her. It’s not to say they haven’t been there at all...we can go to them for advice and they have provided financial help sometimes if it’s been needed early on, but it’s very much that they have their lives where they are and want to leave us alone to have ours. In usual times, we might see them 4 times a year. I think some of it came from their own experience of having over-bearing in-laws who expected to spend a lot of time with them and they backed off from us to avoid being similar.

But actually, they are just not that interested too.

There is a huge range out there. Some extended families live in each other’s pockets and are seeing each other every day or several times a week and talking every day on the phone. Some grandparents spend more hours with the kids than the parents do, some always have extended family holidays and everything is very very close. That would be a bit much for me, but I am a bit envious of those with parents who are near enough to come over for a Sunday lunch and afternoon and who do that and also will come and babysit if asked without it being a big deal, and who spend time with their grandchildren. Distance makes a big difference, but it’s attitude too because I know some people whose parents live on the other side of the world, and the contact and relationship they have with the GP is great.

Go look up the Stately Homes thread, it might resonate. The fact she's making herself out to be Super Gran and yet not doing a single thing is what sticks out to me. If she was just hands off, that would be one thing, but this is all about image to her. She wants to look good while doing absolutely nothing to earn that. That's not a "reserved personality" that's someone who is putting you in the position of constantly chasing her for affection because she wants that power over you. You are not unreasonable to expect a relationship with your mother to be more than a one-way thing.
I'm glad your MIL is more hands-on and supportive.

@Squish3 You be describing my mum. She was exactly like that whine I was a child and when I was pregnant and then when my child was born. But apparently loved to talk to everyone about me. I never saw the fruition of those conversations however. Messed me up a bit to be honest, throughout most of my life. It was only when she passed away a few years ago that I had to address it and accept that she was just a bit of a rubbish mum. I think she had post natal depression as her mum passed away just after I was born. Oddly enough, she passed away a week after my child was born and I also got PND. Funny old world, really...

@2bazookas

Until mobile phones, social media and texting, it was perfectly normal not to hear from much loved family members for days or weeks. We got on with our own lives.

I think you may be underestimating the generational gap.

 Many people in my generation just dont  need (or want, or appreciate)  that constant  contact/support thing.  We  literally  don't live in each others pockets.   It doesn't mean we don't care  enough; it's just a different  mindset and lifestyle. 

     Proms, baby showers, having your mother sister friends  in the labour suite  were  never a thing in our  youth;  life was simpler, more independent,  more private  and we liked it that way.</div></div>

Just for context...mum has just turned 50 and is more into social media etc than I am 🤣

Baby shower/mum in the labour suite etc are my idea of a nightmare 🤣 so definitely not expecting anything at all like that! Would just be nice to have the odd day out together, maybe shopping etc. I guess I expected us to bond a bit more over “being a mum” 🤷🏻‍♀️ That’s all 😊

Several people have mentioned the effect of a mother's relationship with her mother, and how things can repeat.

It can also be that people are reacting against their upbringing. I didn't have the sort of relationship you're hoping for with my mother either. But I am aware that her mother was dreadfully controlling in many ways. I didn't know my grandmother well but saw enough as a child to realise that my mother's parenting philosophy of 'benign neglect' was in many ways her determination to allow us to grow up independent, into our real selves.

We did do things together when I was an older child/teen but they were things she wanted to do, and I was invited to join her - which meant I had an amazing cultural education - weekends in London for galleries, concerts, weekends in Stratford for the theatre. But never something like shopping which she simply didn't see as a fun activity (mind you, nor do I really!).

I do stuff with my kids which I wouldn't necessarily choose to do, and I think I'm more involved with them than my mum was with me.

So gradually the pendulum swings less wildly - from my GMs controlling nature, to my DMs 'benign neglect', to my relationship with my kids, which I think is pretty good - but they may have an entirely different opinion when they're adults and swing back a bit the other way.

The difference of course is that my DM never claimed to be anything other than she was, and I can see that the 'supergran' thing must be infuriating.

@Googlebrained

This makes me so sad. My mum wasn't really interested either. Never came round. No offer to help. Didn't want to go on a shopping trip with me etc. It was v hurtful.

I haven't got daughters, and I'm worried from all the MiL threads on here that I won't be involved with my grandchildren, as I'd never force myself on any potential DiLs. But I'd love to be able to help out as much as they wanted and have trips out and phone calls to discuss all the details. They might not be interesting to anyone else but when it's someone you love I can't understand why your mum doesn't want to be involved. It's baffling. I'm so sorry.

Yes, I worry about this too...I have only male relatives . 1 Sil only that lives miles away. Mum was never close like the Op situation.

I guess I expected us to bond a bit more over “being a mum”
If she bonded with you in this way she would be positioning herself as your equal, I think the reason she isn't comfortable with this is that she sees herself as above you, someone who ranks higher than you do.
She wants to preserve the status quo where she is the 'adult' the person with more status and you are a subordinate or in the position of a child.... That's why she can't bring herself to be on an equal footing with you.
She is probably not conscious of this ....just acting on her unexamined impulses

I can totally relate. My parents were completely absent emotionally and supportively when I was growing up. No cuddles, no kind words, no days out, meals, trips, holidays etc. Mum was always in a bad mood raging at us and dad would get on at us when he came home. We got hit and smacked and grabbed all the time. More so if they were in a bad mood or frustrated. That’s why I don’t hit my kids. I just couldn’t do that to them.
I have waited my whole life to hear that they are proud of me. First job, first home, passing test and exams, first baby, marriage. It really really bothers me. And I get flash backs. And I have to accept that they will never say those words to me, but I can’t help feeling hard done to as they said them to my siblings, publicly at their wedding speeches. So I get it. It’s hard to take and hard to be the one that’s left out and they don’t bother wi tv you or your family and only ever tell you when you’re doing something wrong or not the way they would do it. Keep on going. You will survive despite this. Enjoy what you have and be thankful you learned from their mistakes.

Maybe I just need to accept the fact she’s not that interested in me 🤷🏻‍♀️😅 I’m a grown up, I don’t need her to do anything for me at all...but it would be nice for her to want to offer advice/help, or maybe spend time with me 🤷🏻‍♀️ It just makes me feel a bit sad if I’m honest.

I think you're right. You do just need to accept this, she's not likely to change. But it's okay to be really damn sad about it. Not having that affection and closeness as a child and teenager really does affect you. It's not silly to grieve, in a way, the relationship you would have wanted.

My mother is EXACTLY the same. It’s weird because I think sometimes she would like to be closer, but has no idea how to be, and having raised me to be so independently, I know it likely seems that I don’t need help. But I really, really do. The shutters are just down though because I feel like I’m the only one I can rely on.

I read a thread recently where the OP has lost her parents and felt that she had no one now who would love her unconditionally. I found it weird, because, when I thought about it, I feel like that already (aside from my children but they are very young).

It’s a strange existence.

Instead of trying to please her, to get her to be more interested, go the other way.

Reduce contact, and when it happens say nothing about the baby. Give her nothing to splash everywhere. You may find that she suddenly starts taking an interest in order to maintain Grandmother of the Year status. It's up to you whether you reward her or not. (If it were me, I'd be inclined to change the subject, and if she asks for a picture say 'maybe at some point' and then don't pick it up.)

Same with my Mum. I had two missed miscarriages before my DS was born and she attended the scan with the first one when I found out I’d miscarried (DH couldn’t make it in time from work). Her response was so unbelievably cold- no hugs, no affection at all, no helpful words either. Then I struggled a lot mentally for a few months and she responded by telling me to basically get a grip, move on, try for another baby etc. It was pretty callous actually.

She’s always been the same, I don’t think she’s ever told me she loves me and I don’t remember her ever offering much in the way of affection. When we were sick growing up it was very much ‘get on with it and stop complaining’. We’ve never done a thing together- no cinema trips, shopping trips, coffees or meals. We just don’t really have a relationship at all, I don’t bother telling her anything anymore because I know she won’t offer any decent advice or support.

Her Mum was an abusive alcoholic so I think she uses that as an excuse. My Mum’s behaviour has had the opposite effect on me, I want to show my DC as much affection and love as possible.

@Coyoacan

May I ask what you consider real in terms of a mother-daughter relationship?

I'm genuinely curious, as that which you're stating you find so strange is very much the norm in my world.