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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want our house back to ourselves?

85 replies

JaneBond0007 · 24/02/2021 23:26

DH thinks I’m an “ungrateful bitch” for feeling this way as his Dad has been staying with us the past 3 weeks to help us with moving house and doing work on the new house. He’s staying with us as although only loves 30 minutes away he doesn’t currently have a car.
The first 2 weeks we were still living in the old house and doing up the new one and since Sunday have been living in the new house (surrounded by boxes)
Our bed isn’t up yet as room full of boxes so first night I had to sleep on the floor in one of the kids rooms as FIL on our large sofa.

I feel like a stranger in my own home and don’t even feel I can go sit in the lounge and put what I want on telly. FIL isn’t the easiest person to get on with as he has ASD so doesnt have a lot of social awareness eg has the tv blaring all night etc and I don’t feel I can go down and ask him to turn it down.
I feel like it’s DH and FILs house and I’m just an in conciseness guest. It’s not helping that there’s boxes everywhere which is driving me crazy.

So am I an ungrateful bitch who should be prepared to have FIL here indefinitely or am I right in wanting to be able to relax and have some alone time with DH in the evenings?

OP posts:
Longdistance · 25/02/2021 06:16

Have a word with yourself @FlyingByTheSeatof

Beds, fgs, they need to build beds. I hope fil is helping and not 5,4,3,2,1 he’s moving in Confused

AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight · 25/02/2021 06:31

How dare your husband speak to you like that? I think that's where the real problem lies.

For the rest, you need to agree a timescale for the main things to be done that make it liveable and your FIL to leave again (with grateful thanks from both of you). But tbh if I'd been spoken to like that I'd be considering whether it would be me who was leaving.

Flapjak · 25/02/2021 06:46

Really, how long does it take to assemble a bed, and why not sleep on the mattress anyway. What help is he providing ?

Brefugee · 25/02/2021 06:59

I get it's awkward, did you agree on an end date?

As for the TV - just tell him to turn it down. Or go and turn it down. Or send your horrible DH to tell him to turn it down.

It already seems uncomfortable for you, would that make it worse?

Charlieiscool · 25/02/2021 07:10

Instead of sitting in front of the TV you need to get on with unpacking. You sound lazy. Moving is stressful and a lot of work. Get on with it.

Porcupineintherough · 25/02/2021 07:13

I dont know which way to vote. Yes you are being ungrateful about your FiL (that's a lot of help) and I can see why your dh was hurt. On the other, moving is horrible and stressful and of course you waNt it over and your house to yourself. It would be quite kind to your files to let him go home asap too. What work is he doing that just cant wait?

TheFancyPants · 25/02/2021 07:22

@BrieAndChilli

Morning!!! How was your night?? Time to grasp control of the situation with lots of suggestions here!

Inthevirtualwaitingroom · 25/02/2021 07:23

he lives half an hour away?
why cant someone collect him and drive him home every day?
i mean do you need that much help??

RosesAndHellebores · 25/02/2021 07:25

He should be going home overnight if he's sleeping on a sofa and your dh should be driving him back.

However, if you have been in the house for a week why aren't the beds up and the boxes unpacked.

Moving tip. Day before the move you put clean linens on the beds and sleep in them for one night. The linens with your nightie/James and overnight bag go into a box which is packed with that bed/room contents. Wash dirty linen that day. When the beds are up on moving day you have a box with the linens: pillowcases and duvets on and making the bed takes two minutes. Removal man told me to do that 35 years ago.

DH and I moved house twice in 18 months. One was a huge move that took two days with professional movers. Boxes were unpacked within two days and I had a broken foot at the time. I have to ask what on earth you have been doing not to have beds up. It sounds rather disorganised.

TitusPullo · 25/02/2021 07:29

OP I feel for you, this sounds horrible. I would start taking back control, go downstairs and turn the TV off, if he turns it back on just repeat. He may have ASD but that doesn’t give him a right to make you feel like a guest in your own home. House moving is so stressful, you need to make a list of priorities, step 1 is the beds, I then suggest the kitchen and go from there. Good luck.

KatherineJaneway · 25/02/2021 07:31

@PeggyHill

Is he actually helping?
This would be my question.

When is he due to go home or do you fear this is starting to feel more longer term?

lazylump72 · 25/02/2021 08:00

OP family meeting first thing...list of jobs that need doing urgently ..1st item 2nd Grit your teeth be nice say thank you so much for all your help fil but we have taken too much of your time already now so heres a bottle of scotch a box of chocolates and 50 quid to treat yourself as a small token of how grateful we are for all your help...I will get dh to drive you home on sunday when said jobs are completed..thank you we couldnt have done it without you...bullshit but you have an end date when fil is going you have been very nice and you get their arses in gear to sort out most pressing jobs....done! Take charge why its taken 3 weeks is beyond me frankly...

Porcupineintherough · 25/02/2021 08:03

why it's taken 3 weeks is beyond me frankly

How can you say this when you have no idea what "it" is?

Confusedandshaken · 25/02/2021 08:07

@Flapjak

Really, how long does it take to assemble a bed, and why not sleep on the mattress anyway. What help is he providing ?
We slept on a mattress on the floor for about 2 months before the bed we ordered was delivered and that was pre-CoVid. 12-16 week lead in times are very common for furniture.
Livelovebehappy · 25/02/2021 08:10

Do you still need his help? If so, what would you like him to do? I guess your DH could pick him up and drop him off daily, and then just work your arses off to get the work done so he won’t need to stay over. Of course it would be nice to have your home back, but this is only a temporary situation whilst the house gets sorted.

Eviebeans · 25/02/2021 08:17

The first priority in any move is to sort the beds out first thing on day one. Tired people and children are not patient or productive.
If the boxes were stacked where he and dh are sleeping then they would develop a sense of urgency about it all. From experience of a relative with ASD I would say that their priorities for helping may not be the same as everyone else's in the household. A medal 🏅for you as I don't think flowers fully cover it.

SoupDragon · 25/02/2021 08:23

Take him home.
Pay someone to do the work.
Sorted.

Coconuttts · 25/02/2021 08:24

I am shocked - the things people will put up with!! Madness

lottiegarbanzo · 25/02/2021 08:54

You're being very passive. Why would you not ask FIL to switch off TV by a certain time, or turn it right down, so you can sleep? If he doesn't get social cues, you have to spell things out for him. It's unkind not to, then to build up resentment about something he can't help.

Surely you can discuss how much work there is to do and agree an end date, by when FIL will move back home? Or is it unclear how long the work will take? Are they cracking on with the work at a decent pace? Or has FIL and your (D)H started to get comfy and lazy?

Being called a bitch by the man who is supposed to love you though... I would not be with such a man. (I have no idea what is normal, everyday language for you though).

Somethingkindaoooo · 25/02/2021 08:58

Was there lots to do on the new house?

OP- just put the bloody beds together. Furniture assembly does not require a penis.

I don't condone your DH calling you a bitch- but have you been nice to your fil ?
If someone was unkind to my family member who was doing a favour, then I'd be tempted to call a name or two as well.

And finally- perhaps Ops dh is relieved that his dad is occupied/ with company after a long lockdown?

Multicover · 25/02/2021 09:15

What work is he doing? Installing a new kitchen or knocking through a wall YABU
Putting up shelves and hanging curtain poles YANBU

jaffar · 25/02/2021 09:17

@User5768

I cannot believe anyone vote yabu
I voted YABU. Presumably you asked FiL to come help you move house?(for free?). You and your DH didn't sort out beds, and don't want to do something simple like ask him to turn the telly down. If all of that is true (appreciate it might not be) then it feels a bit martyr-ish. If you want your house back, just talk to him.
User5768 · 25/02/2021 09:48

@jaffar so you think is ok for her dh to call her an ungrateful bitch

User5768 · 25/02/2021 09:49

For everyone who voted yabu, I think it’s sad that so many people have relationships in which they think it’s ok to call the other an ungrateful bitch.

Annabell80 · 25/02/2021 09:56

I would move out with the children and leave your husband and FIL to it. Your husband sounds really nasty and after that I wouldn't want to stay with him.