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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mildly worried here? DD (3)

76 replies

Hollanda40 · 24/02/2021 22:02

To clarify background:

Last year I had some unresolved mental health issues (now resolved) which I didn't deal with well at the time. SS were involved and helpful after a couple of rough months.

Last year my DD went to nursery and told a member of staff she had been "terrified" when our back door smashed and "Mummy shouted at Daddy" (I didn't shout at Daddy, I shouted in shock at the door slamming and the glass smashing). They asked DS (9) what happened and he said the back door slammed and smashed and we got it sorted (IE what happened!). Unfortunately even though DS and DH reiterated what happened, nursery contacted SS. No follow up was made. They spoke to me and all fine.

Tonight I was getting our tea ready (kids had eaten) and I was doing chicken casserole. I was taking the casserole dish out of the oven to stir and wham. It slipped straight out the oven gloves and shattered everywhere. The kids were playing in the front room and alerted to the sound of smashing glass and me shouting (once) "Oh shitmonkeys!!!"

I cleaned the mess up, got rid of the glass etc and then immediately placated DD who really, really hates loud noises. I explained Mummy dropped the dish because I'm a butterfingers and I'm going to the shop later to buy something else. Accidents happen and sometimes things make us jump.

I must admit I am a little paranoid and wonder if DH should say something to nursery when he drops her off tomorrow morning? He WFH so does drop off, I do pick ups.

He says I'm being paranoid but I worry about her saying something and the Nursery acting on it. I know, accidents happen and in the big scheme of things it's not that bad.

It has been a day of it, she was sent home early from nursery with toothache (dental appointment booked for tomorrow, earliest we can get - I was hoping for today). She seems ok tonight, asleep and we're going to see how she is tomorrow morning to make a decision.

YABU: stop being paranoid! Things happen.
YANBU: Say something to the nursery before she can and calmly explain what happened. They are so reasonable.

I just worry that between that, the toothache and the one AND ONLY time I was late (out of my hands) for pick up was Monday (my bus was stuck in traffic and DH refused to go and fetch her as he was "busy", we live 5 mins away and at the time I was stuck I was 15-20 minutes away!!), that they may think something is wrong. It isn't, it's just been a long hard week where everything has gone Pete Tong!!

Advice would be helpful. Thanks!

OP posts:

Mistystar99 · 24/02/2021 22:07

Ouch. Have a good read back about what you've said from your DD's point of view. If you really can't see it, then look again. And again

Original poster

Hollanda40 · 24/02/2021 22:11

That's why I think I should call them and say something!

I knew I wasn't being paranoid!!!

OP posts:

eurochick · 24/02/2021 22:16

I'm struggling to see @Mistystar99's point. Unless there was more to the door slamming than you have put here. Was it slammed in anger?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 24/02/2021 22:17

I don't see PP's point tbh.

You've had a shit week, dropped something by accident, your kid has a tooth ache(how is that your fault?) and you've been late once.

Even all of it in one day wouldn't be a concern as a one off.

Was the SS involvement and subsequent support last year off the back of the door incident or dod they get involved for a different reason?

AramintaLee · 24/02/2021 22:18

I think you're overreacting slightly although I understand your thought process based on what happened previously. However if your DD DOES say something... what would she say? "Mummy dropped a glass bowl". Hardly reason to call the SS. I assume you've reassured her after the incident and she understands what caused it?

I feel if you go to the nursery, you're making a bigger deal out of it than necessary, but it's entirely up to you as I don't think there's a right or wrong answer.

TheChip · 24/02/2021 22:21

I wouldnt bother saying anything and just explain if they ask you.

Original poster

Hollanda40 · 24/02/2021 22:21

@eurochick

I'm struggling to see *@Mistystar99*'s point. Unless there was more to the door slamming than you have put here. Was it slammed in anger?

No. It's an old house and both front and back doors were both heavy and prone to slamming. The back door has since been replaced by shatter proof and far safer glass and awaiting landlord to sort front one. No, no anger and no shouting at anyone.

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 24/02/2021 22:22

Aside from anything else I'd have been beyond furious if DH refused to do pick up and my child was picked up late as a result. Furious.

Original poster

Hollanda40 · 24/02/2021 22:24

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

I don't see PP's point tbh.

You've had a shit week, dropped something by accident, your kid has a tooth ache(how is that your fault?) and you've been late once.

Even all of it in one day wouldn't be a concern as a one off.

Was the SS involvement and subsequent support last year off the back of the door incident or dod they get involved for a different reason?

No different reasons. I had a breakdown 2019 and didn't seek help because I thought it wouldn't happen to me etc etc. Needless to say now it has, I've sorted my shit out and ensure I take time for myself to ensure I'm in a good place for our kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hollanda40 · 24/02/2021 22:26

@Oysterbabe

Aside from anything else I'd have been beyond furious if DH refused to do pick up and my child was picked up late as a result. Furious.

That's a whole nother thread and yes I'm very very angry about that in itself.

OP posts:

Annabell80 · 24/02/2021 22:30

I used to work in a nursery and it depends on what she says at nursery really. If she says mummy smashed a bowl and was shouting and swearing then it would be a concern although not really worth SS. If she just says mummy dropped a bowl then it wouldn't even register.
If your DD was upset by it then I'd say something incase she's still upset tomorrow but otherwise I wouldn't worry. Of they report it then you can explain.

Bimblybomeyelash · 24/02/2021 22:31

I’m not sure I get Mistystar99 point? And the post definitely wasn’t helpful!

I suppose they are trying to say that the main point here is should be that you screaming scared your child, and you should be focusing on that rather than how nursery might react to her saying that she was scared.

Original poster

Hollanda40 · 24/02/2021 22:37

Not particularly shouting and swearing. shouted once through frustration I'd dropped it and because the daft thing fell through my oven gloves. DH said oh Mummy dropped the dish. By that time I'd pretty much done clearing it up and was just about to hoover up any remains of glass from the floor.

Just debating whether to say anything or not...

OP posts:

Original poster

Hollanda40 · 24/02/2021 22:40

Ps DD wasn't crying or outwardly upset by it at all once she knew what had happened. I just know she really doesn't like loud noises.

OP posts:

TheChip · 24/02/2021 22:41

I'm sure the nursery are aware that your dd doesn't like loud noises also. I wouldnt think anymore of it. Try and shut it out of your mind and relax. You've done nothing wrong.

MessAllOver · 24/02/2021 22:42

How did you refrain from physical violence when your DH refused to pick up your small child from nursery? That shows high levels of (misguided) self-control imo.

I'd just calmly explain what happened to your child again tomorrow morning, apologise if she was scared but reassure her that there is nothing to worry about.

We all have our bad days. I overreacted hugely to some minor misbehaviour from my 3yo on Monday afternoon and made him cry. I was ashamed of myself but what I think made it better for him was talking it through when he was having his bath, apologising and making him feel safe again before he went to bed.

Newnameagain111 · 24/02/2021 22:42

I wouldn’t bring it up at nursery. Looks suspicious like you’re on the defensive. Let it be.

EachBleachBlairTrump · 24/02/2021 22:43

My biggest concern would be why your daughter reacts so strongly to a loud noise. It clearly has an impact on her. Has she been supported by anyone outside of the immediate family to work through her feelings around your time of difficulty?

spaceghetto · 24/02/2021 22:43

I would mention it to them, just to give them the heads up incase she's a bit upset tomorrow.

Original poster

Hollanda40 · 24/02/2021 22:44

And even when she did know it was nothing but a bit of smashed glass and what was supposed to be our tea, even when she did appear fine, I sat with her a while and we talked it over all of us as a family and explained sometimes we break things and Mummy is a butterfingers!

OP posts:

Original poster

Hollanda40 · 24/02/2021 22:51

@EachBleachBlairTrump

My DS used to not like loud noises when he was her age either. I remember having to take him out of a Christmas concert (brass band) as it was too loud for him. Now he plays cello in his school band.

It might be worth mentioning it to our Surestart worker we work quite well with to see if she has a suggestion or two to help her in these situations.

And I held my temper in front of the children at the time because getting angry with DH wouldn't have helped. I had to simply get on with sorting out the situation of being late myself eg rang the school and calmly explained my bus had been unavoidably held up and I was on my way.

She was fine as was nursery worker when I got there and reassured me that I'm simply never late and everything was fine. DD hasn't mentioned it since. It definitely bothered me more than her! She got to play longer at nursery!

OP posts:

Newnameagain111 · 24/02/2021 22:52

To expand on my answer before: previously, the nursery believed your daughter over your DS and DH. So from their pov they’re alert to the possibility that things may not be okay in your home.
Given that, parent showing up saying “if my daughter is upset it’s because I dropped the casserole” is just going to make them prick their ears up, and probably casually ask your daughter if she had a nice evening last night.

You’ve done the right thing in explaining to your DD what happened. And if she brings it up in nursery, just explain to them again what happened.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 24/02/2021 22:52

None of these things taht have happened this week seem like they would be a cause for concern at all. I also didn't get the point made by the first poster. You dropped a dish, swore because you got a fright, cleaned it up and made sure DD knew what happened. Telling the nursery about something so regular would be kind of unusual IMO unlessDD is still upset about it in the morning.

Ileflottante · 24/02/2021 22:52

Why the fuck would he not go and pick his daughter up?

I wouldn’t mention it, by the way. If they say something, then just explain casually (because it was a non-incident) what happened.

But again, why the fuck was he happy to leave his daughter stuck at school while you were stuck on a bus?

IloveFebruary · 24/02/2021 22:53

Tbh if she has toothache and you are able to, I’d keep her off until her appointment. By the following day she’ll have forgotten all about it.
I wouldn’t alert nursery, feels unnecessary and I wouldn’t want to make a big deal of it.

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