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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mildly worried here? DD (3)

76 replies

Hollanda40 · 24/02/2021 22:02

To clarify background:

Last year I had some unresolved mental health issues (now resolved) which I didn't deal with well at the time. SS were involved and helpful after a couple of rough months.

Last year my DD went to nursery and told a member of staff she had been "terrified" when our back door smashed and "Mummy shouted at Daddy" (I didn't shout at Daddy, I shouted in shock at the door slamming and the glass smashing). They asked DS (9) what happened and he said the back door slammed and smashed and we got it sorted (IE what happened!). Unfortunately even though DS and DH reiterated what happened, nursery contacted SS. No follow up was made. They spoke to me and all fine.

Tonight I was getting our tea ready (kids had eaten) and I was doing chicken casserole. I was taking the casserole dish out of the oven to stir and wham. It slipped straight out the oven gloves and shattered everywhere. The kids were playing in the front room and alerted to the sound of smashing glass and me shouting (once) "Oh shitmonkeys!!!"

I cleaned the mess up, got rid of the glass etc and then immediately placated DD who really, really hates loud noises. I explained Mummy dropped the dish because I'm a butterfingers and I'm going to the shop later to buy something else. Accidents happen and sometimes things make us jump.

I must admit I am a little paranoid and wonder if DH should say something to nursery when he drops her off tomorrow morning? He WFH so does drop off, I do pick ups.

He says I'm being paranoid but I worry about her saying something and the Nursery acting on it. I know, accidents happen and in the big scheme of things it's not that bad.

It has been a day of it, she was sent home early from nursery with toothache (dental appointment booked for tomorrow, earliest we can get - I was hoping for today). She seems ok tonight, asleep and we're going to see how she is tomorrow morning to make a decision.

YABU: stop being paranoid! Things happen.
YANBU: Say something to the nursery before she can and calmly explain what happened. They are so reasonable.

I just worry that between that, the toothache and the one AND ONLY time I was late (out of my hands) for pick up was Monday (my bus was stuck in traffic and DH refused to go and fetch her as he was "busy", we live 5 mins away and at the time I was stuck I was 15-20 minutes away!!), that they may think something is wrong. It isn't, it's just been a long hard week where everything has gone Pete Tong!!

Advice would be helpful. Thanks!

OP posts:
babbaloushka · 25/02/2021 09:30

I'd be concerned about a 3 year old with toothache, is she likely to need a filling?

bluebluezoo · 25/02/2021 09:36

To expand on my answer before: previously, the nursery believed your daughter over your DS and DH

Of course they did. You always work from a starting point of believing the statement, then work on finding out the facts.

Or parents could abuse their children and SS would believe the parents when they say they walked into a door or daddy didn’t hit
Mummy.

Safeguarding 101. Never dismiss any report, and escalate even if you think it’s nothing.

Better to investigate and find it’s innocent.

Ricebubbles2 · 25/02/2021 09:41

@Newnameagain111

I wouldn’t bring it up at nursery. Looks suspicious like you’re on the defensive. Let it be.
Nonsense It means your aware they would be calling ss and over reacting Sometimes a forum feeds nonsense
Bumblebee1980a · 25/02/2021 09:43

@Hollanda40

I'm the same with my teeth hence why I'm so particular about my DS.

I had to ask as I'm aware some people don't Smile

NotQuiteUsual · 25/02/2021 10:10

I'd let them know you've had a clumsy couple of days and dd is not a happy bunny because of it and her tooth. We all have a rough days and any supportive setting will see your openness as a good thing. When I've been a nursery worker I'd expect to he told about the toothache and if they're feeling sensitive for whatever reason.

RootyT00t · 25/02/2021 11:43

@Ricebubbles2 and OP, a parent explaining away an injury would not stop a nursery phoning SS if they felt they should. Thankfully.

RootyT00t · 25/02/2021 11:43

Sorry an injury or a fear as described in the OP

VVKills27 · 25/02/2021 11:49

@GretaBritain @Hollanda40 thank you lovely people, it’s very nice to be appreciated (amid my own homeschooling 3 chaotic life right now)!

Original poster
Hollanda40 · 25/02/2021 19:43

Ok. Spoken to DD. The noise thing is because she doesn't like anything that makes her jump. DS was the same her age, I recall and he grew out of it. No guarantee she will, all we can do is stay calm when we hear a loud noise, don't make a big deal and simply calmly explain to her what happened and that everything is perfectly fine. Some humour usually works too.

Her toothache is a cavity that needs filling so waiting on the dentist to call us back tomorrow with a date he can do this on. We now have a very strict regime of tooth brushing (even stricter than before) and rules of when treats are allowed and when in they're not. And all of us are following these rules, big style.

After the work is completed she has to go back three months after to have a special spray on her teeth to protect them.

Hopefully now the dentist surgeries seem to be getting on top of appointments again nothing will be cancelled again.

Re DH I've finally got through to him that leaving our daughter waiting at school was unacceptable and I am simply not having that any more. If there is an emergency he needs to help me sort it to meet the needs of the children. If he can't or won't take responsibility I won't stay. End of.

It took some nerve to say and I have to take my own responsibility for some of it but equally he needs to realise I work and simply cannot waltz away from the office whenever. Neither can he but we must take turns!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hollanda40 · 25/02/2021 22:28

That is not the end of this. Serious questions need to be asked now. And when I'm in the right place I can do it.

I just need a bit of time to sort DD, make sure she's ok, nursery is ok and then move on to relationship questions about DH because the last week has brought a lot to light. :(

OP posts:
Bumblebee1980a · 26/02/2021 09:26

@Hollanda40

I don't blame your DD re loud noises, in the same now and I'm an adult! I panick when I hear them.

If it happens just calmly call out "it's ok mummy has just dropped the pan" which I'm sure you'll do now anyway. It's not usually the first thing we think about doing when we drop something (I know it isn't for me).

ElizaLaLa · 26/02/2021 09:32

@MessAllOver

How did you refrain from physical violence when your DH refused to pick up your small child from nursery? That shows high levels of (misguided) self-control imo.

I'd just calmly explain what happened to your child again tomorrow morning, apologise if she was scared but reassure her that there is nothing to worry about.

We all have our bad days. I overreacted hugely to some minor misbehaviour from my 3yo on Monday afternoon and made him cry. I was ashamed of myself but what I think made it better for him was talking it through when he was having his bath, apologising and making him feel safe again before he went to bed.

Nothing happened to the dd. A dish was dropped in a different room to her ffs. This is ridiculous.
RootyT00t · 26/02/2021 18:06

@MessAllOver

Did you really ask OP how she refrained from physical violence???

MessAllOver · 26/02/2021 18:41

@RootyT00t. I wasn't being entirely literal in that statement, as I had presumed was obvious Hmm. Merely pointing out that, if I had ever been tempted to seriously injure or murder my husband, him leaving our small child ill and upset at nursery while I was rushing to get back to them would have been strong provocation. If my DH ever tried that, his life would become very unpleasant very quickly until he admitted to being in the wrong.

Original poster
Hollanda40 · 26/02/2021 19:25

Lol. He's unhappy because he knows I won't let this go!!!!!

Does he really expect me to?

If the boot was on the other foot and I'd left her standing at school by herself you betcha they would have called SS out!!! THAT is always going to be my worry and why I'm so absolutely meticulous about keeping the children's best interests and welfare paramount even if it sometimes means I neglect my own thoughts and feelings in the process!! I wouldn't hesitate to leave if this proves to become toxic which it may. :( Protecting our children is first and foremost.

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 26/02/2021 20:14

[quote MessAllOver]@RootyT00t. I wasn't being entirely literal in that statement, as I had presumed was obvious Hmm. Merely pointing out that, if I had ever been tempted to seriously injure or murder my husband, him leaving our small child ill and upset at nursery while I was rushing to get back to them would have been strong provocation. If my DH ever tried that, his life would become very unpleasant very quickly until he admitted to being in the wrong.[/quote]
You sound abusive.

RootyT00t · 26/02/2021 20:14

@Hollanda40

Lol. He's unhappy because he knows I won't let this go!!!!!

Does he really expect me to?

If the boot was on the other foot and I'd left her standing at school by herself you betcha they would have called SS out!!! THAT is always going to be my worry and why I'm so absolutely meticulous about keeping the children's best interests and welfare paramount even if it sometimes means I neglect my own thoughts and feelings in the process!! I wouldn't hesitate to leave if this proves to become toxic which it may. :( Protecting our children is first and foremost.

You're going over the top a bit here OP.
MessAllOver · 26/02/2021 20:32

@RootyT00t. On what basis? That I'd give my DH a hard time for leaving a sick child at nursery? You think that's abuse?

RootyT00t · 26/02/2021 20:45

[quote MessAllOver]@RootyT00t. On what basis? That I'd give my DH a hard time for leaving a sick child at nursery? You think that's abuse?[/quote]
I think it's abusive to say you'd make his life unpleasant, yes.

MessAllOver · 26/02/2021 20:52

I think it's abusive to say you'd make his life unpleasant, yes.

Awww, the poor diddums having to deal with his nasty wife expecting him to step up and be a parent.

Original poster
Hollanda40 · 26/02/2021 22:06

I don't think I'm over the top. I think I'm justifiably incredibly annoyed that the one time I asked him to pick her up he refused!!!

Especially as now I'm thinking about it if I'd have refused I'd have got a whole lot of abuse.

I'm not making his life unpleasant just making it known that leaving her if I were ever late again which I'm sure I won't be without a very good reason,is not an option!!!

OP posts:
TheChip · 26/02/2021 22:16

OP, you can't keep bringing this up to him. It's not really fair, or something you can keep on at him about. How can you anyway? Surely it's it's case of you expressing how much it pissed you off and whatever he responds with. Then its the end of that.

If it was something he was to repeat, then I'd understand a bit more.

On another note, when I worked in the nursery there were many parents who were late. Some were even regulars at being late and it was suspected they were dragging their time out as much as they could. It never went any further than a moan between the members of staff left to look after the child during their break. Their parenting was never questioned for it.
Just like yours and your husbands won't be. Especially for a one off late pick up!

RootyT00t · 27/02/2021 00:09

@MessAllOver

I think it's abusive to say you'd make his life unpleasant, yes.

Awww, the poor diddums having to deal with his nasty wife expecting him to step up and be a parent.

Yeh, you're provimg my point
RootyT00t · 27/02/2021 00:09

@Hollanda40

I don't think I'm over the top. I think I'm justifiably incredibly annoyed that the one time I asked him to pick her up he refused!!!

Especially as now I'm thinking about it if I'd have refused I'd have got a whole lot of abuse.

I'm not making his life unpleasant just making it known that leaving her if I were ever late again which I'm sure I won't be without a very good reason,is not an option!!!

No, but the increasing bringing it up and lol he's not happy etc etc.

That's not why you posted.

Original poster
Hollanda40 · 27/02/2021 07:42

Ok. Spoke to DH and he said he'd get her if that happens again (unlikely).

It's unlikely DD would say anything about the glass incident now anyway.

I'm out of this thread as some seem to be focused on him not picking her up which is dealt with (probably badly).

Thank you all for your help XXX

OP posts: