Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Partner quit job.

89 replies

makeitalargeglass · 24/02/2021 19:52

Help please, will try and keep this short.

I have to shield through nhs advice, have done since the pandemic started due to health conditions. Partner was working, work isolated him so he was working alone as they knew I had to shield.

His anxiety got bad so he was signed off work, he's now handed in his notice, I have money, and can afford to sustain my 3 children, and him and his 2 children. However I did ask for it to be short term.

Anyway, he's been off 2 weeks and spent every single day on the PlayStation all day. I'm talking from waking up to going to sleep, near enough 14 hours a day.

He's put the PlayStation in our bedroom, so I can't go to bed and watch something on the tv, i have spoken to him, it resulted in an argument, he said it helps his anxiety and stops him thinking about the outside world, i said I just wanted him to cut down on the hours.

AIBU? I really don't have a clue anymore and it's really bringing me down.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 24/02/2021 23:14

I have 3 children that live with us

Your kids live with you. You live with this bloke. The kids don't live with "us".

he has 2 children that live with each of the mothers

Not your problem to solve.

my kids adore him, which makes me sadder that they've built a relationship with him, and I have to take that away

Your kids don't "adore" him, YOU adore him, your kids don't give a fuck about him. He's some bloke their Mum's with, and they smile and nod to your enthusiasm for this "good guy, deep deep, deep, DEEEEP down.

Don't use your kids as an excuse to stay with a loser you're fond of. Again: they love you, but they don't give a fuck about him.

Get shot of him, give your kids their stable life back and don't move your kids away to some bloke's house (or move some bloke in) again.

PicsInRed · 24/02/2021 23:19

Oh, and his Mum's just afraid he'll land on her doorstep and be her problem again.

ClarkeGriffin · 24/02/2021 23:21

His mum knows he's a knob. Listen to her! He's a knob. Find a different house, buy it in your name only and leave. Stay there until you do that, least its somewhere to live. If he uses you, use him. He's good for that at least. Bugger all he can do once you leave. And don't forgive him he's a knob.

Original poster

makeitalargeglass · 24/02/2021 23:30

@PicsInRed

I have 3 children that live with us

Your kids live with you. You live with this bloke. The kids don't live with "us".

he has 2 children that live with each of the mothers

Not your problem to solve.

my kids adore him, which makes me sadder that they've built a relationship with him, and I have to take that away

Don't use your kids as an excuse to stay with a loser you're fond of. Again: they love you, but they don't give a fuck about him.

Get shot of him, give your kids their stable life back and don't move your kids away to some bloke's house (or move some bloke in) again.

I have been single for 3 years. I will not be moving in with another man, or moving someone in. My kids always come first ALWAYS. They were my strength for leaving my abusive marriage.

OP posts:

Original poster

makeitalargeglass · 24/02/2021 23:32

@rawalpindithelabrador

God, put your kids first here! LEAVE this lying waster. Find a house to rent, move them out and stop dating until you've done some serious work on yourself.

As I said this is my first relationship, I was very happy being on my own. I don't have a need to be in a relationship.

I will be doing work on myself, but for the purpose for getting into a relationship, but for my own needs.

I will not be getting into another relationship.

I'm happy just being with my children.

OP posts:

Original poster

makeitalargeglass · 24/02/2021 23:32

@NovemberR

Sadly, you are in another abusive relationship. You were strong enough to leave the first one. You need to leave this one.

He's not quite as bad as my ex is not even close to being acceptable as a standard you need in a partner.

I realise that now. I will be making the steps I need to leave. Thankyou

OP posts:

Original poster

makeitalargeglass · 24/02/2021 23:33

@Wheresyourclapham

His Mum knows. His ex’s found out. You now know. The lying about his children’s Mothers would have done it for me before finding out that he also lied about the fact that his most recent ex was still living with him.

•No mortgage together or his name on the deeds
•Be thankful you are not married to him
•Thank f you do not share kids
•Run

Do what is best for you and your children. Move out ASAP. All the best 💐

Thankyou for this. I will be leaving.

OP posts:

ThreeLocusts · 24/02/2021 23:40

He has changed because you're in his territory now. Same thing happened to my mother. It never got better again. Leave!

sst1234 · 25/02/2021 00:04

A man who has 2 children by different mothers and is so far showing himself to be an unreliable partner. OP, do you see a pattern.

Original poster

makeitalargeglass · 25/02/2021 00:30

@sst1234

A man who has 2 children by different mothers and is so far showing himself to be an unreliable partner. OP, do you see a pattern.

I didn't at first, because he had excuses for each one. But last time we had the kids, I think from then it all hit me, and this was the reassurance I need. The fact he wouldn't get off his PlayStation to see the children he doesn't see often opened my eyes, and he left me to deal with 5 children under 10 alone, quite a few times whilst recovering from a serious operation.

Like I said I just needed reassurance I wasn't overreacting, because to put it simply I don't know what a normal relationship is, I don't have parents,
I didn't grow up seeing 'normal'

I know now my feelings were right, so Thankyou all who've commented, you've no idea how much I appreciate all the replies. It has helped me greatly.

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 25/02/2021 00:38

He doesn't want a partner, he wants another mum. He's not a keeper

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/02/2021 01:00

Oh you are definitely not overreacting @makeitalargeglass! And I am so pleased that you are now reassured of that.

Can I just stress one point with you -

"It's so confusing. I see a good man deep down, I know that's hard to envisage with what I've said, but he does have this other side and this is it. But he doesn't seem to be coming out of it."
Any 'good man' you see is the memory of the man he pretended to be to snare you. It wasn't real , it was lovebombing. An illusion he spun to ensnare you. The man you see now; the exploitative, lazy, gaslighting Playstation addict - that's the person he is and always was. He wore a 'good man' disguise, because - let's face it, you'd have run a mile if you'd met his undisguised self first. But please - he is not a 'good man' He isn't now and he never was.

Good luck to you in your future. ((hug))

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 25/02/2021 01:11

Oh @makeitalargeglass what a shit he is being, taking you for a mug whilst you had a major op and need bedrest yet hes acting like a 6the child. I'm glad to see at your leaving him, just because he has mental health doesn't mean it gives him a reason to be a asshole and hes a selfish one at that.

Hope you and your dc find somewhere nice for you to be a loving family without a man child and that you feel better soon also. Hugs and coffee

Original poster

makeitalargeglass · 25/02/2021 01:41

@WhereYouLeftIt

Oh you are definitely not overreacting *@makeitalargeglass*! And I am so pleased that you are now reassured of that.

Can I just stress one point with you -

Good luck to you in your future. ((hug))

That makes perfect sense.

Because his behaviour has been getting worse, even before the mental health issue. I hardly see the good side of him anymore. I do love him, but this isn't ok.

I'm going to put the offer in on the house, however that house will be for myself and my children. There is no chain so it will hopefully be a quick move.

I've made my mind up, and there won't be any going back on that.

I sat with him tonight, calmly told him how I feel, how much I'm breaking, how is behaviour is so damaging. I got no reaction. He just switched the PlayStation off and turned his back on me. That's all I needed to see to know I will never forgive any of this, and I know me and my kids were fine before, I wasn't looking for a relationship and was perfectly happy on my own. Healing after my last relationship. And I will get back to that point, he's lost me for good, and I don't even feel sad about it anymore.

Honestly, everyone who posted, I can't say or express how grateful I am, that you took the time to reply.

All advice has been gratefully received, and luckily I can't have anymore children after what my ex did to me, so all the posters saying at least I didn't have a child with him, even if I could have, I wouldn't have.

OP posts:

BlueThistles · 25/02/2021 01:42

I'm glad your seeing this for what is is OP... because you're already posting all the excuses under the sun for his pattern of behaviour.. but thankfully you can see right through him...

good luck to you and your kids OP...

Whatsnewpussyhat · 25/02/2021 02:09

Sorry op, this man saw you as a meal ticket and a servant.

Thank fuck you have seen it now.
Don't be taken in by the bullshit he will spout or the emotional blackmail about his mental health once he knows you are going.

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2021 06:13

Don’t let him manipulate you into staying op, stick to your plans to leave him. Maybe do the freedom programme if you’ve never done it to help you avoid potential knobheads like this next time

justamummydoingherbest · 25/02/2021 06:17

Support yourself and your children but not him and his children. Cf alert

Sahm101 · 25/02/2021 06:59

I do feel like the worlds biggest mug.

Then stop playing to this role.

He has lied about two HUGE things. I don't know why you then proceeded to move your two kids in with someone like this. He has yet again shown you who he is, so why are you there. If you can afford to buy a house then you can take your children out of this situation.

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 25/02/2021 07:32

I'm going to put the offer in on the house, however that house will be for myself and my children. There is no chain so it will hopefully be a quick move.
Thats great news.

Be warned, when he realises he is going to have to support himself, he will probBly start either a charm offensive, or go the other way and become angry, difficult and aggressive. Be prepared for either.

Remona · 25/02/2021 07:53

I’m so relieved to read your updates, OP.

What struck me from your first post was the timing of this. Packing his job in and becoming essentially a layabout just at the point at which you were going to buy a house for everyone to live in. Coincidence? I doubt it. You were his meal ticket. Thank God he showed his hand too soon and you saw him for what he was.

PurpleFlower1983 · 25/02/2021 08:03

Good luck OP, you’re doing the right thing

DHdweller · 25/02/2021 08:04

Bin him off the waster

bibliomania · 25/02/2021 08:06

Sounds like you've had a really tough life, OP. But it will be better without him in it! Hope everything goes well with your new start.

SoVery · 25/02/2021 10:47

In that case, go and tell him your plans. Quietly and calmly, speak to his back if necessary.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.