Partner quit job.

[makeitalargeglass]

Help please, will try and keep this short.

I have to shield through nhs advice, have done since the pandemic started due to health conditions. Partner was working, work isolated him so he was working alone as they knew I had to shield.

His anxiety got bad so he was signed off work, he's now handed in his notice, I have money, and can afford to sustain my 3 children, and him and his 2 children. However I did ask for it to be short term.

Anyway, he's been off 2 weeks and spent every single day on the PlayStation all day. I'm talking from waking up to going to sleep, near enough 14 hours a day.

He's put the PlayStation in our bedroom, so I can't go to bed and watch something on the tv, i have spoken to him, it resulted in an argument, he said it helps his anxiety and stops him thinking about the outside world, i said I just wanted him to cut down on the hours.

AIBU? I really don't have a clue anymore and it's really bringing me down.

@makeitalargeglass

Thankyou for all the replies, I was starting to think I was being unreasonable, constantly questioning myself, my kids adore him, which makes me sadder that they've built a relationship with him, and I have to take that away. This is why I'm finding it extremely hard.

PLEASE don't put him on any deed or give him any rights!!!!

Go upstairs and tell him he needs to go and sort house/children because you're exhausted and it's just not acceptable for a grown man with responsibilities to on a PS all day! Physically get into bed if you need to but spell it out for him.

@SoVery

Go upstairs and tell him he needs to go and sort house/children because you're exhausted and it's just not acceptable for a grown man with responsibilities to on a PS all day! Physically get into bed if you need to but spell it out for him.

Have done. Silent treatment, I'm in bed, hes sat next to me on the PlayStation.

@FoffeeCoffee I won't be. Not even sure about submitting the offer now to be honest. After all the advice I see I'm not being unreasonable for expecting the bare minimum.

Lass - you aren’t even close to getting the bare minimum. Expecting to get it is optimistic.

Look after yourself and your kids

Don't buy a house with him. The problem is you had a bad relationship previously, so you think anything better is good.

The lies he told in the beginning were a warning about his character. Let him look after his children when they come over.

Thanks all, I think I do need to leave, as hard and heartbreaking as it is, this is killing me being like this.

Start of January I had a major operation, and he still wouldn't help. I should really have seen all the red flags, but I just really hoped he would change.

It's so tough because I have been struggling recently to say anything because of his mental health, and I want to support him with it. But it's just too much.

Even his mum tells me to sort him out, and it's not right etc. But nothing I say works, I've broken down In front of him completely exhausted and he left the house, his son was here at that point. It wasn't intentional on my part, but I just feel to the ground with utter exhaustion and couldn't stop the tears. It was awful. And for him to leave without saying a word just hurt me even more.

I know what I need to do, it's going to be extremely hard I know that, especially for the children.

But I fear it's only going to get worse.

No disrespect OP, but I think your boundaries are way off due to the past abusive relationship you mention.

This guy might have been charming to begin with, but he really is not a good guy at all. To be blunt, I think he saw you coming a mile off. . He is disrespecting you in fairly major ways - look at his behaviour FGS, it screams contempt and disrespect, which has fuck all to do with his mental health issues. He could have genuine mental health issues but whatever the truth of that, he also clearly has a huge dose of entitlement and misogyny going on too. Most mentally ill people I know didn't turn into absolute knob ends when they were sick.

If you have money to buy a house, do it and just go - do not take him with you. He is manipulating you into doing all his adulting for him - cooking, cleaning, childcare. Why doesn't he switch the bloody playstation off to spend some time with his own children?

You have the absolute right to say that you cannot deal with the situation as it stands. This current lifestyle does not work for you. You do not owe him or anyone else a relationship, especially since he appears to think so little of you.

Be glad you didn’t have a baby with him.

Silent treatment? He is another type of abusive, op.

He wasn't financially contributing anyway. Buy the house for you and your children.

Sorry op but depression or not he's seen an opportunity to slack off and taken advantage of you. Your boundaries are skewed and you are vulnerable. Does his dm say he has behaved like this only recently or is it a longer term pattern. Red flags seem to predate this recent episode. You deserve and need better.

Leave leave leave!!!!!
For the love of all things holy put an offer on a house for YOU and YOUR KIDS.

I know there is all this tolerate shit be kind crap trotted out.
My husband and I are very caring and kind toward each other but we know we are in a partnership and are a team. Unilaterally quitting a job or "being anixious/depressed" and messing about on netflix/PS4 and not contributing would not wash for either of us.

Our relationship would be dead in the water.

His behaviour is totally fucking unacceptable there is no way I could have sex with him again in your shoes.

I'm going to differ here. My DP and I have been together a long time and he is a very hard worker. He started working as a network engineer straight out of university where he did an engineering degree. His parents didn't have the money for him to board at uni so he would get up at 4 and take 4 buses/taxis to get to class and another 4 to return home everyday. And he worked a weekend job too. Then when he started working, he had a very similar commute, even after buying a car. So he was commuting 3-4 hrs everyday in addition to working an 8-hr day. His responsibilities on the job kept increasing and he's now in charge of all networking for a 400+ company.

BUT last December, it all became too much. He essentially had a breakdown. Stopped eating, sleeping, showering and working out which he normally does every single day and all he would do was sit in his office and play video games. He wouldn't watch a movie or work out which he ised to love or leave the house. Thankfully, he was on vacation and was able to do isolate himself. The guy who would drive me everywhere (I don't drive yet) and help me cook and play with our pets and laugh with me just disappeared.

He has since been diagnosed with both chronic and major depression, as well as anxiety. It's been 2 months and he is only now back at work and he still isn't fully himself. These things take time and it can turn an industrious, loving, funny person into an isolated, lethargic shell.

I would suggest giving him a little time and understanding and in a week or so, insist he signs up for therapy or speak to his GP about ADs. In the meantime, it would be nice if he has the PS in another room, not the bedroom as that isn't fair to you. Two weeks is early days. Don't judge him totally on this low period (just yet).

For the love of god... do not buy a house for him .... and do not stay in this dead end life OP...

Leave him 🌺

@makeitalargeglass

I was in a very abusive relationship for 10 years, he's the father of my children. It was abusive in every single way, I left 3 years ago and haven't been near a man since I met DP.

He was really loving at the start, constantly cuddling me, kissing me etc, and it was so unusual for me, he made me feel special, and was amazing with my children. Since I've moved here, it's all changed.

He wants me to tell him to do jobs, but says he doesn't like being nagged, he tells me to tell him how I'm feeling, but if I do it turns awful and I get the silent treatment, if I do anything around the house I get told off and told I'm not looking after myself because I'm suppose to be on bed rest.

I just can't win.

So, he lovebombed you and was sufficiently different from your ex to not appear to you as abusive.

And then once you committed to him, he switched off the facade and became the arsewipe you now see. He was always this arsewipe, he just disguised himself behind the showy affection. And the constant switching between do this/don't do this - it's designed to keep you off-balance - all the better to manipulate you . And it's working - " I really don't have a clue anymore and it's really bringing me down."

Have a read at www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/ - I reckon you'll find it scarily familiar.

"However, me and my children are in his house, we moved to where he lives and I'm about to put an offer on a house for us all.

But with this recent behaviour, I just didn't know what to do, it's hard when it's you isn't it."

Do NOT buy a house 'for you all'! Instead, plan to move back to where you were. Move back to your established support network, children's friends, family, whatever you left. There is nothing for you here. The man you see now is the man he is. He will suck you dry and you will know nothing but misery and gaslighting.

Please, please, detach your life from this man. And be grateful that he misplayed his hand and dropped the facade just a shade too soon. Had you gone ahead and bought a house 'for you all' you'd have been totally trapped. He's manouvred you into the trap, but the door isn't closed yet, so walk out of it and then start running.

I never thought I'd type the infamous letters, but the time is here. Please LTB! Get a new home for you and your kids only. He must've thought he hit the jackpot when he latched on to you. Someone to sponge off for the rest of his life

Get away from him and your self respect will start to come back. Life will be so much nicer and less stressful without him. You deserve better than him.

You already have 3 kids and yourself to look after. You don't need him as well.

Please........

do not buy a house with Him.... 🌺

I think it’s more than two weeks of play station, he’s basically non participating in your life. He’s just there. I also think you need to consider ending it. He won’t get help and he doesn’t help out. There’s not much you can do as it’s likely to deteriorate further.

I'm about to put an offer on a house for us all.

DON'T!!!!!!

You need to put you and your DC first. Keep your savings for them.

I'm not going to put the offer in, it's been an eye opener just reading what I've put. Seeing it written down has hit me straight in the face, it's so much different when you're living it, he had excuses for all the lies, 2 baby mums was because he was embarrassed and ex still living in the house is because he thought I'd break up with him.

I've spoke to him many times, even when he was working, that he still needed to help, I was bringing his tea to him on a tray whilst he sat on the sofa, then I'd clean up afterwards, I ran him a bath when he asked, do all the house hold chores etc always have.

Regarding past behaviour, when he was with his second baby mum, his mum told me he did everything, then with the recent ex she did everything, and now I do.

It's so confusing. I see a good man deep down, I know that's hard to envisage with what I've said, but he does have this other side and this is it. But he doesn't seem to be coming out of it.

The PlayStation thing is the worst for me, my kids are young, and it's quite a violent game he plays, and when the kids come in to the room to speak to me etc when I just need a lie down, they obviously see the game.

I've asked, begged, pleaded. His mum has told him to change his behaviour before he looses me. Nothing seems to work. He blocks himself off from it, and just ignores it all, and makes out I'm always getting at him. Which I'm not. I let a lot slide until I can't anymore.

His Mum knows. His ex’s found out. You now know. The lying about his children’s Mothers would have done it for me before finding out that he also lied about the fact that his most recent ex was still living with him.

•No mortgage together or his name on the deeds
•Be thankful you are not married to him
•Thank f you do not share kids
•Run

Do what is best for you and your children. Move out ASAP. All the best 💐

Sadly, you are in another abusive relationship. You were strong enough to leave the first one. You need to leave this one.

He's not quite as bad as my ex is not even close to being acceptable as a standard you need in a partner.

God, put your kids first here! LEAVE this lying waster. Find a house to rent, move them out and stop dating until you've done some serious work on yourself.