I’m not cut out to be a mum :’(

[softandspongy]

My son is 12 months old and I’m a first time mum.

I’ve found things really hard in the sense that I lack a lot of confidence to trust my ability as a mum.

He was born just a few weeks before the first lockdown and I’ve had very little support over the last 12 months.

Since around 10 months old, I’ve started finding my son difficult.

I’ve spent very little time around other mums and babies so I don’t know if his behaviour is normal, I can only compare to the two mum friends I have with babies the same age as my son.

He just seems to be so miserable a lot of the time.
I hate myself for saying this, but it’s how I feel.

He just seems to cry for no reason, and it’s not even a cry, it’s a whine.

He hates being in the car seat so trying to drive anywhere with him is a nightmare, and it’s the same for his pram.

I have to time his walks around his naps and he won’t just fall asleep in the pram there’s lots of crying first, which I hate.

I’ve tried him in the sling we have but he’s equally as grumpy.

It’s made me stop meeting my mum friends for walks because whilst their babies are pleasant and happy, my son is grouchy and whiney 😭
I can’t take him out when it’s not nap time because he will just spend the whole time in the pram crying and shouting.

It makes me feel like I’m doing something terribly wrong with him, but I just don’t know what.

Today since waking at 6am, we haven’t had even an hour without him whining / crying.

We went for a walk and turned around because I genuinely thought he was going to stop breathing with how much he was crying.

We came home and I tried playing with his toys, which lasted probably 10 minutes before he was whining again.

We had lunch, he just threw his food on the floor and was whining.

We had our 12 month review with the health visitor a few weeks ago, i mentioned it to her but she said he seemed fine (he was in a happy mood when she arrived)

I just feel like I’m doing something wrong, I wish I could take my son to the park and have a lovely stroll like I see other mums doing, but we can’t because he just moans, whines, screeches.

My husband is working away this week and this afternoon I feel so close to tears and I feel irritated me with my son. 😭

It’s driving me mad and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Is he teething? My son was always a proper misery when teething.also you've had no supports hardly surprising. Everything is rubbish rightnow.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Is he teething? My son was always a proper misery when teething.also you've had no supports hardly surprising. Everything is rubbish rightnow.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I know this will make me sound terrible, but I never know when he’s teething.

He doesn’t seem to have red cheeks, he’s not slavery, or chompy.

I'm so sorry you're feeling down OP, it must've been a rough year. My first was like this, and at 3 she's still a sensitive and at times tricky child. When she was a baby, she cried all the time and was never happy to just sit and play. She didn't like the pram and didn't like the sling after a while either. I just changed her scenery constantly to keep her amused, and enlisted my husband's support where possible around his work. I'm sorry this isn't more helpful, but this will get easier over time. My second is so much easier in comparison

It's so hard, especially when there is no apparently reason for them being grumpy. I am in the same boat as you. My baby was born a few days before the first lockdown and we have had zero support and no other mummy friends with babies to meet up with 🙁

At first I would assume teething. My daughter is 11 months and only just cut her first tooth. I spent most of her first year thinking she was teething when grumpy and nothing would come. Then when it actually was happening, I missed it for the first few days as I had given up trying to guess!

My first thought was that he's probably teething. I would go with the sling more as if he's grouchy you can at least give him a cuddle. You're a great mum having a hard time with no support. Can you phone someone to let off steam? Can you explain to your closest mum friend that you would love a walk and to expect a grumpy baby? Have you got the wonder weeks app as I found it reassuring to expect grumpy periods. The first year is so hard, it gets easier X

My first was like this and it was horrible so I feel for you, especially during lockdown. She is still hard work at 7 but she did improve massively once she was toddling. She never went in the buggy, I got rid of it when she was 18 months as it was pointless, as a he wouldn’t sleep in it either - just the sight of it would set her off. I do think some babies are just difficult and there isn’t a lot you can do about it, in my case I think she was just frustrated and couldn’t communicate that. Something I wish I tried is baby sign language as it could give him a chance to tell you what he needs.

I have had 2 more since and they were honestly a dream compared to baby number 1!

Stop being so down on yourself and your abilities and don’t worry if he’s in the pram and crying just carry on nobody is judging you so don’t avoid taking him out and about as that’s good for both of you . My dc never had a routine as such and certainly no set nap times as they had to fit in with whatever I was doing with our horses , never did them any harm .

OP I think some babies just don't really like being babies! Also I think it's completely normal to be irritated with a whiny baby even if you love it. Other than that I don't have any advice I just wanted to say I'm SURE you are a lovely mum and it will get better!

I could’ve written that myself. DD was the hardest baby I’ve ever come across, she had colic and pretty much cried, whined and stropped until she was bright red, hit her head on the wall when she could. Absolute nightmare until she turned 3. My friend had a baby same time as me and she was an angel compared to mine (her second child was like mine though!). Don’t blame yourself, nobody will huge you as we’ve all been there!
Oh and she used to scream in the car non stop, we once drove to Devon and she screamed for two hours!!!!!! screamed in the pram, screamed in the bath, if she was awake she screamed. I have home videos of her just crawling around screeching - I’ll show her boyfriend when she’s of age lol

Judge not huge!

Could be teething like others have said, I swear by the amber bracelets, once DD started wearing that teething issues were a thing of the past!

Don't be so hard on yourself, it's hard being a first time mum let alone becoming on during a pandemic. If you still feel like you're struggling you could speak to your GP

He is probably teething now, and even if there's nothing obvious it can still be painful for them I'm sure. Not "I'm in heaps of pain screaming" but a low level pain that would cause whining and whinging.Could he have had colic and/or silent reflux when he was little?

Please don't be so down on yourself, you're parenting a baby during the hardest time possible. And it's always harder if you're left on your own. Maybe give the sling another go, or even a different type of sling. Maybe he'd be happier in a buggy type so he can see what's going on around him. It's all worth a try. But just remember, it's all just a phase and it will change!!

If it helps, please feel free to msg me, I hate to think of anyone struggling with no vent.

If it helps, I have 4 dc's and even on the last one I was taking it day by day, and still am!!

@ThePlantsitter

OP I think some babies just don't really like being babies! Also I think it's completely normal to be irritated with a whiny baby even if you love it. Other than that I don't have any advice I just wanted to say I'm SURE you are a lovely mum and it will get better!

This. It must be mega frustrating being a baby. That whole world you can't pick up and chew on without it being given to you. My last one came out screaming and screamed for 3 years, it was a trying time.

I'd treat for testing anyway and if all else fails, run a bath. Usually sorted mine out for a bit.

We had this a lot! I thought the same - no other symptoms of teething - so just didn't give DS calpol or anything. As soon as we did he was much happier. Turns out it was teething and he also had silent reflux - well worth investigating with the doctors if you feel like something is not right. Even just for peace of mind!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My second child was beyond miserable all of the time. I was fortunate that my first hadn’t been like this, so I knew it was just his nature, but you obviously don’t have this point of comparison, so I can fully understand why you’re feeling like it’s something you’ve done. I promise you it is not; some children just have an unhappy disposition. My son is now older and so much happier, and I’m sure yours will be too. Good luck, it’s tough having a grumpy child. X

Sorry you're having a rough time. Would your baby be any happier going for a walk in a sling?

Just on the offchance check your car seat over for any sharp bits for example the plastic under the cover (I saw something once about some seats that had a sharp bit sticking out from the plastic forming machine).

It might be worth phoning your health visitor and asking advice if you think it might be reflux or a sore tummy rather than just general grumpiness.

Big hugs, OP. I have been there and the mix of loneliness, self-doubt and tiredness is a form of torture.

My DH ended up developing the 5-point check with our babies, just to keep our sanity, finishing with either a walk for the family or gin for me!

Im on baby number 3 and I feel the same as you so dont put it down to being a first time Mum!
Some babies are more demanding and difficult than others. My middle child was a dream
Baby he never cried and was pleasant all the time however the 2 either side of him have been much more highly strung.
It will pass. Then it will be onto the next thing!
Is he walking? Alot of the time they can be frustrated too

My son was just like that - he was a right grumpy little bugger of a baby! He also had silent reflux and was a terrible sleeper. Once he started to toddle and was able to walk (mostly fall!) he became much happier. Then he got grumpy again just before he started talking more and more. I genuinely believe he was one of those babies who just didn’t like being a baby. Now, he is such a happy and super smart 9 year old.

I'd try calpol see if it helps, that way you can rule out him being in pain. One dose won't do any harm if he doesn't actually need it, and if he does need it perfect.

OP my first baby was like this. Cried allllll the time, I used to be so embarrassed at the baby groups and walks with other mums as she'd moan non stop. It got better as she got older. Once she could walk she was so much happier, now she's starting to talk and she's the happiest she's ever been at 20 months, but she still gets frustrated a lot and does cry quite a bit. But morning in comparison to when she was a little baby. As another posted said, some babies just don't like being babies!! My second baby, now 4 months, is the total opposite....chilled, happy, never moans, never cries. I've done exactly the same with her in terms of birth, feeding, sleep routine etc. So it just shows to me that some babies are high maintenance and hate being babies. Others are super chilled and love it. Just keep going, you've done the hardest bit and hopefully he'll start being happier once he's a bit more mobile. Could you maybe look at a morning or two at nursery or childminder just to give him some interaction with others and you a break? It's been so hard having a baby in lockdown so I sympathise and my eldest going to a childminder has been a life saver x

and hugs
Some babies are dickheads
It’s a shame you can’t order beginner friendly ones.
I had a non sleeping Velcro baby and it nearly killed me

Mine was really difficult around that age too. I think they're just starting to realise that they're actually a person and have things they want to do, but can't do them or even articulate them and it leaves them feeling really pissed off.

It'll pass, and you'll have a happy child again ( until you hit the terrible twos, or the terrible threes, or even the terrible thirteens ) .

It's no indication of how good of a mother you are, its just a stage of development, your friends babies may not be there yet, or may be past it, or may just be a flipping nightmare in private

My too were always whingeing whatever I did - they just weren't naturally cheerful like other babies. It's not you and you're not doing a bad job - you just have that type of baby. I don't really have a solution but they do grow out of it. I used to do things like put them in their bath in a little bath chair/seat with lots of bubbles, toys and empty bottles and put lots of towels around the side so they could splash and then I'd sit on the floor with a magazine and drink and relax for a bit. Or give them paper to tear up (not in bath obvs). Try and vary toys too - usually cheap ones on facebook marketplace - and give them different toys regularly and put some away for a few weeks. Also keep lots of empty margarine tubs and plastic containers and fill a cupboard he can empty. They often moan when they're bored so a mixture of activities is good.

My two not too!