I’m not cut out to be a mum :’(

[softandspongy]

My son is 12 months old and I’m a first time mum.

I’ve found things really hard in the sense that I lack a lot of confidence to trust my ability as a mum.

He was born just a few weeks before the first lockdown and I’ve had very little support over the last 12 months.

Since around 10 months old, I’ve started finding my son difficult.

I’ve spent very little time around other mums and babies so I don’t know if his behaviour is normal, I can only compare to the two mum friends I have with babies the same age as my son.

He just seems to be so miserable a lot of the time.
I hate myself for saying this, but it’s how I feel.

He just seems to cry for no reason, and it’s not even a cry, it’s a whine.

He hates being in the car seat so trying to drive anywhere with him is a nightmare, and it’s the same for his pram.

I have to time his walks around his naps and he won’t just fall asleep in the pram there’s lots of crying first, which I hate.

I’ve tried him in the sling we have but he’s equally as grumpy.

It’s made me stop meeting my mum friends for walks because whilst their babies are pleasant and happy, my son is grouchy and whiney 😭
I can’t take him out when it’s not nap time because he will just spend the whole time in the pram crying and shouting.

It makes me feel like I’m doing something terribly wrong with him, but I just don’t know what.

Today since waking at 6am, we haven’t had even an hour without him whining / crying.

We went for a walk and turned around because I genuinely thought he was going to stop breathing with how much he was crying.

We came home and I tried playing with his toys, which lasted probably 10 minutes before he was whining again.

We had lunch, he just threw his food on the floor and was whining.

We had our 12 month review with the health visitor a few weeks ago, i mentioned it to her but she said he seemed fine (he was in a happy mood when she arrived)

I just feel like I’m doing something wrong, I wish I could take my son to the park and have a lovely stroll like I see other mums doing, but we can’t because he just moans, whines, screeches.

My husband is working away this week and this afternoon I feel so close to tears and I feel irritated me with my son. 😭

It’s driving me mad and I don’t know what to do anymore.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I'd try calpol see if it helps, that way you can rule out him being in pain. One dose won't do any harm if he doesn't actually need it, and if he does need it perfect.

That would be my suggestion too I have five children and the baby/toddler stage was hard, I love my teenagers so much more, it will get easier

I could’ve written this, OP. Mine is 2 now, but I moved to a new area when she was 10 months, then lockdown happened. Even before we moved I didn’t know any other mums due to working long hours up until she was born, I never went to antenatal classes. I’ve struggled and had the same thoughts as you.

At 10 months I would say you are probably having teething problems, my DD had one after the other at this age even though there were no obvious signs, she was very upset a lot of the time and there was nothing I could do. If it was a really bad day I gave her baby nurofen and that helped.

Honestly, this stage went on until she was 18 months, then she had a good few months and now she’s fully into the terrible twos. But she’s been generally happier and easier since she’s been able communicate more to us. I think they are just as frustrated as you.

I’ve met two mums since I’ve moved with babies a similar age and realised that they have the same questions and anxieties that I have. And that made me relax a bit.

I does get easier!.. then harder... then easier again..

@nutbrownhare15

My first thought was that he's probably teething. I would go with the sling more as if he's grouchy you can at least give him a cuddle. You're a great mum having a hard time with no support. Can you phone someone to let off steam? Can you explain to your closest mum friend that you would love a walk and to expect a grumpy baby? Have you got the wonder weeks app as I found it reassuring to expect grumpy periods. The first year is so hard, it gets easier X

@nutbrownhare15

I feel awful talking about it to my mum friends, I don’t even like telling my husband because I feel really guilty and bad for moaning about my son.

I think what I struggle with is the worry of other mums judging me, or assuming my son is just misbehaved. 😞
Mostly I just feel helpless as I don’t know what’s wrong with him.

I do have wonder weeks and he’s just got into leap 8. So that won’t be helping.

@Crayfishforyou

and hugs Some babies are dickheads It’s a shame you can’t order beginner friendly ones. I had a non sleeping Velcro baby and it nearly killed me

This. I had one. Cried for a full year, wouldn't sleep, wouldn't sit in a pram. She is the sweetest girl now but her baby days nearly killed me. It will get better. But oh its so shit having a crying kid

Calpol! See if it helps and then you'll know he's probably teething.
We all feel we're not cut out for it at some point. Don't worry. Im currently trapped under my 10 month old who is napping on me because I STILL haven't nailed getting babies to nap on their own. You'd have thought I'd have that skill nailed by now since she is number 4!!

Another thing is a bath, if he likes them. Have the odd daytime bath with toys, don't always have to use bubbles if he gets dry skin. I know you can't just have them in the bath all day but it burns a bit of time while they play and then you can do a little massage or something after if they're happy. Baths also seem to make mine tired so maybe a nice pre nap activity.

Oh, and don’t feel guilty about having a moan, OP. It’s totally normal. Kids are hard work.

I'm so sorry to read this and about how you are feeling. I couldn't read and run.

My son (now 7) was a nightmare! He cried non stop for the first 12 weeks and then just carried on generally being a cryer. I had to put him in his Moses basket a couple of times and leave the room as I couldn't cope with the non stop crying. He cried that much I could really understand why a baby may drive someone to shake them. It was awful.

I also had a traumatic birth and had no support from my family at all; parents 100 miles away and ILs were useless.

I had a big group of mum friends, though other than the odd baby, the majority seemed to be so much more chilled out. He was the only baby out of 20 crying none stop at a large coffee meet at a big cafe, I had to leave and called my husband in tears! I felt very isolated in the first year in particular.

He hated the pram/pushchair and alway kicked off especially when tired. It really limited the amount of time I was able to get out of the house. Oh and could never just sit for any length of time and play either.

So I really feel your pain and there is no magic solution to help you. I really don't think there is anything wrong with your son, it's just most likely he's a grouchy rather than chilled baby. It's also a bit cliched, but they tend to say it's the quiet babies you need to worry about developmentally, not the loud ones.

When he was little one of the only things that did seem to help was a sling. I see he's 12 month old now, but it could be worth trying as it really helped settle him?

I do also think he improved when he started to walk and talk, so I hope you may see that too. Be warned (in a nice way), my DS is now 7 and still rather temperamental, one minute happy and the other in tears, but I can handle it much better now he's older.

What does your husband do to help support you? Is there more he could do to help give you an opportunity for some self care? I neglected this massively when my son was a baby and much better prioritising this now.

PS He's an only child for a reason!

My second was like this , and if he had been my first I’d have doubted myself too! One whinge filled my ‘friend’ took me aside and asked me if I needed to get him assessed 🥺. But we stuck with him and I genuinely agree , he hated being a baby. Once he could walk and talk and do things he was much easier. Now he’s a joy but still highly strung and emotional, it’s just his way

Whinge filled day I mean

When are you going back to work? I was so relieved to get back to normal life, worth finding out if there are nurseries nearby?

My daughter was the same OP. You might find it helpful to look at the info from Dr Sears on high needs babies. It’s different to having additional needs and more related to their personality.

Oh love, I'm sorry you feel guilty about moaning! My kids are older now but I get it, I felt like everyone was judging me when mine were small. But now I realise they weren't (well I certainly don't judge someone for having a crying baby that's for sure). It can feel like everyone else naturally knows what to do with a crying baby but they don't. It's good to share how you're feeling if you can. Some mums will never acknowledge it's hard but many will, often with a rush of relief that someone else is feeling the same as they are!

It's such a difficult age! Impossible to know what's wrong with them, isn't it. I have no idea how people know when their babies are teething unless you can see a tooth appearing. Have you tried giving him some calpol or baby ibuprofen when he's crying to see if it helps? If it does, it might be a pain/teething. Good advice above re: nursery. You could get him in earlier than your return to work for a couple of mornings a week or something to give you a break. Wish I'd done that - I thought nursery was only for when you're working but you can use it to get a break too!

Take a deep breath. Ds could be picking up your insecurities and acting out in it. If you’re doubting yourself you will be uneasy and babies pick up in all of your emotions. It’s a shame you stopped contact with other mums. Can you contact one of them you trust and talk to them?? I would also suggest getting in touch with health visitor again and saying you are really concerned and it’s certainly panicking when a child cries themselves so much they catch their breath and you think they’re going to stop breathing. He could be unwell- does he have regular toilets? Has he less dirty nappies? It could be a stomach issue that causing him upset and discomfort?? Please talk to hv and if you’re not satisfied , fat an appointment with your gp. They will see you. Don’t give up on yourself. First time babies are difficult at best, cant imagine what it’s like without family or friends for support.

@Cindersrellie

It's such a difficult age! Impossible to know what's wrong with them, isn't it. I have no idea how people know when their babies are teething unless you can see a tooth appearing. Have you tried giving him some calpol or baby ibuprofen when he's crying to see if it helps? If it does, it might be a pain/teething. Good advice above re: nursery. You could get him in earlier than your return to work for a couple of mornings a week or something to give you a break. Wish I'd done that - I thought nursery was only for when you're working but you can use it to get a break too!

Absolutely. I reckon nurseries would make a fortune if they did weekend sessions. Not all of us have relatives close by for the odd half day child free time.

Another poster to chime in and say how incredibly different babies are. My first was pretty much a dream (though I didn’t understand to appreciate it at the time). When my second child came along and barely smiled for two years, constantly screaming her head off and looking like she’s about to murder someone - I just couldn’t believe my eyes. Everyone who ever met me at the time said ‘Oh here comes Vallmo with her extra set of lungs!’ It was mortifying at the time. We laugh about it now but honestly, it was hell and I used to cry and cry.

The very same child became the most thoughtful little girl. Everyone is now saying they cannot believe it’s the same child.
I wasn’t doing anything wrong!!! She just hated life!

Hang in there. One day you will be able to laugh about it. It’s just getting there.

My dgd hated the pushchair for the first year of her life, OP. But children are like that, going through their difficult stages and then their wonderful stages. None of us are cut out to be mothers in isolation from the rest of society, but this isolation will pass soon enough

I had one like this. Mercifully he was my second, as my first had been so easy and had built up my confidence. If it's any consolation, DS2 has grown up into a fine cheery teenager!
Also, it's been a truly bad time to have a child. No support at all. I relied on baby groups, and I am not a group person normally.
Really, it's not you.

I used teetha teething powder. Was magical for my son. He would open his mouth for it like a little bird!

Sympathies OP, it sounds very tough.

OP, I really feel for you. My son was like this as a baby/toddler. He was just whingy and grumpy nearly all the time, and I had no idea why. It was so tiring and so demoralising and so upsetting. He was my first (and only as it turned out) and I couldn't work out what I was doing wrong.

I identify with the feeling of not wanting to meet friends with babies. I was a member of a NCT group and I thought it would be lovely to meet for coffee, walks, etc. But I just found it really upsetting as their babies/toddlers were generally quiet and happy, and my son would be crying and whinging all the time. Sometimes I'd leave early and go home in tears.

And of course you've had lockdown which must have made your first year so much harder.

I hope it's some comfort to say that by the time my son was about 6 or 7, he was a really good-tempered and happy boy. But those early years were so tough.

I don't remember if I tried this myself but, as others have said, I'd try Calpol just to see if it makes any difference.

You sound a great mum, OP, and I really hope things get easier soon.

@yoshiblue

I'm so sorry to read this and about how you are feeling. I couldn't read and run.

My son (now 7) was a nightmare! He cried non stop for the first 12 weeks and then just carried on generally being a cryer. I had to put him in his Moses basket a couple of times and leave the room as I couldn't cope with the non stop crying. He cried that much I could really understand why a baby may drive someone to shake them. It was awful.

I also had a traumatic birth and had no support from my family at all; parents 100 miles away and ILs were useless.

I had a big group of mum friends, though other than the odd baby, the majority seemed to be so much more chilled out. He was the only baby out of 20 crying none stop at a large coffee meet at a big cafe, I had to leave and called my husband in tears! I felt very isolated in the first year in particular.

He hated the pram/pushchair and alway kicked off especially when tired. It really limited the amount of time I was able to get out of the house. Oh and could never just sit for any length of time and play either.

So I really feel your pain and there is no magic solution to help you. I really don't think there is anything wrong with your son, it's just most likely he's a grouchy rather than chilled baby. It's also a bit cliched, but they tend to say it's the quiet babies you need to worry about developmentally, not the loud ones.

When he was little one of the only things that did seem to help was a sling. I see he's 12 month old now, but it could be worth trying as it really helped settle him?

I do also think he improved when he started to walk and talk, so I hope you may see that too. Be warned (in a nice way), my DS is now 7 and still rather temperamental, one minute happy and the other in tears, but I can handle it much better now he's older.

What does your husband do to help support you? Is there more he could do to help give you an opportunity for some self care? I neglected this massively when my son was a baby and much better prioritising this now.

@yoshiblue

Oh gosh this sounds so similar to me.

In the summer when indoor meet ups were allowed, I went for coffee with two mum friends.
My son cried and screamed.
Their babies were happily sat in their prams not making a sound.

I remember leaving early and having a breakdown on the phone to my husband.

@Notanotherhun

When are you going back to work? I was so relieved to get back to normal life, worth finding out if there are nurseries nearby?

@Notanotherhun

April. Just 3 days a week.

My son is starting at nursery in two weeks.
I wanted to get him settled in whilst I’m still off work.

Mine was a misery until she could talk. I favour a dose of calpol in case it’s teething pain. Otherwise he will grow out of it. My DD is a delightful child. Easy, fun, caring but she wasn’t much fun as a baby.

See you're not the only one!!! Solidarity! 💐