I’m not cut out to be a mum :’(

[softandspongy]

My son is 12 months old and I’m a first time mum.

I’ve found things really hard in the sense that I lack a lot of confidence to trust my ability as a mum.

He was born just a few weeks before the first lockdown and I’ve had very little support over the last 12 months.

Since around 10 months old, I’ve started finding my son difficult.

I’ve spent very little time around other mums and babies so I don’t know if his behaviour is normal, I can only compare to the two mum friends I have with babies the same age as my son.

He just seems to be so miserable a lot of the time.
I hate myself for saying this, but it’s how I feel.

He just seems to cry for no reason, and it’s not even a cry, it’s a whine.

He hates being in the car seat so trying to drive anywhere with him is a nightmare, and it’s the same for his pram.

I have to time his walks around his naps and he won’t just fall asleep in the pram there’s lots of crying first, which I hate.

I’ve tried him in the sling we have but he’s equally as grumpy.

It’s made me stop meeting my mum friends for walks because whilst their babies are pleasant and happy, my son is grouchy and whiney 😭
I can’t take him out when it’s not nap time because he will just spend the whole time in the pram crying and shouting.

It makes me feel like I’m doing something terribly wrong with him, but I just don’t know what.

Today since waking at 6am, we haven’t had even an hour without him whining / crying.

We went for a walk and turned around because I genuinely thought he was going to stop breathing with how much he was crying.

We came home and I tried playing with his toys, which lasted probably 10 minutes before he was whining again.

We had lunch, he just threw his food on the floor and was whining.

We had our 12 month review with the health visitor a few weeks ago, i mentioned it to her but she said he seemed fine (he was in a happy mood when she arrived)

I just feel like I’m doing something wrong, I wish I could take my son to the park and have a lovely stroll like I see other mums doing, but we can’t because he just moans, whines, screeches.

My husband is working away this week and this afternoon I feel so close to tears and I feel irritated me with my son. 😭

It’s driving me mad and I don’t know what to do anymore.

You'll feel so much better when you get a bit of space from the little one.

@Bluekangaroo123

My daughter was the same OP. You might find it helpful to look at the info from Dr Sears on high needs babies. It’s different to having additional needs and more related to their personality.

@Bluekangaroo123 wish I had known about Dr Sears! It’s practically spot on!

Teething but also welcome to club "pram hater".

DD was like this. Grumpy and frustrated until she could walk, and as soon as she could, screamed and planked etc at any attempt to be put it in. She does not sleep in the pram. DS was similar.

All I can really say is it gets better.DD is now 18m, I let her walk as much as i can. DS is 4, it was difficult until he was about 2 as he wanted to walk and hated the pram but couldnt really cover that much distance. But then the upside is he is a good walker now and is fit & healthy. Then we got the balance bike, and from 2.5 its been great as he is fast and covers a good distance!

ah you poor, poor thing. Mine hated the pram too - I had to carry her everywhere in a sling. She was ok in the car unless we stopped: even now the sight of a traffic light turning amber makes me feel a bit tense (she's 10 now!!!). Aside from that mine was pretty easy and I STILL found it super, super difficult at times and I just cannot imagine doing it in the middle of pandemic, when I can't just rock up to a baby singing class or whatever and stuff some cake in my face while bobbing a grumpy baby on my knee singing Wind the Bobbin Up for the billionth time but at least just... not being alone.

He probably is low level teething lots of the time, and it's so frustrating for them at this age when they can't express themselves or get what they want.

I remember desperately venting on here about something when mine was small, really worried that I wasn't cut out to be a mum. And a lovely poster said to me "if you weren't a good mum, you wouldn't be worrying about being a good mum." It really stuck with me (I still see that poster on here and I feel very fondly towards her, though I'm sure she wouldn't remember me at all!). But I think it's true. It's awful being worried and knackered and feeling like it's all crap and you're terrible at it. But you're not. It'll honestly evolve and you, well, you won't forget about it (witness this post) but you'll be alright. Honestly.

My DD was quite a miserable baby but once she could walk she really changed into a pretty easy toddler. Don’t really know what it was. Not so much crying, but whinging a lot!! I’m sure having a baby in a pandemic is really tough, you don’t get so much social contact etc either which was a lifesaver for me.

Oh god babies can be hell can't they. That's why I only had one! Don't stop seeing your friends though when you can, if he's fussy say 'oh I think he's teething, feels like it's never ending' if it makes you feel better, even if you've no idea. I never had any idea with mine either, had no idea when teething, had no idea what different cries meant, it was like having an alien! xxx

Just a thought, rather than a sling or buggy, could you try a back Pack, like a little life explore and a smarttrike? We used both from age 1 and my little one loved both, I think they like the different viewpoint from the backpack and the trike feels more fun and less restrictive than a buggy.

Ps I never can tell with teething either!

Oh and if it helps, my boy used to get so frustrated at that age, and teaching some simple baby signs really helped - both mr tumble and miss Rachel on YouTube were fab for that, then he might be able to communicate what he needs :)

Aww bless you. As pp have mentioned, it's likely to be teething. I have a similar model to you that is nearly 2. It gets better as soon as they are mobile. We still have our ups and downs and take each day as it comes. He hates his pushchair and car seat as well still. I think you just get used to it. It's nothing you have done or doing wrong. Some babies are like this. My friends babies are a joy to be with whereas mine, is always uphill and a struggle to do anything. It's hard being a first time mum let alone in this current pandemic. Don't beat yourself, you're an amazing mum

Oh my son was a dick until like 3. The whinging did my actual head in. And all my friends LOVED the beginning bit and I was always like "that's because your children aren't dicks apparently". I do let him off somewhat though as he had reflux and it did improve once he got medication but he was still never easy going. He's almost 6 now and still not easy going but at least he can talk continuously at me so that's something. And there's wine. You are not alone, and honestly I promise you it does get better!

Please don’t tell yourself you aren’t cut out to be a mum. I can guarantee it isn’t true.

Two things I’ve learnt since becoming a parent are:

a) children go through loads of phases, but they don’t go through the same phases - ie you might have a nightmare 10 month old and your friend has an easy one, but in a year’s time she might be tearing her hair out with the terrible twos while you have a contented easy toddler;
b) all parents are very different and they are suited to different stages. I hated the baby phase. I don’t think I was a very good parent to a baby. But some people love the baby phase. I love being the parent of a toddler but some people think toddlers are Satan’s little minions. My point is that maybe you aren’t in your element as a parent during the baby phase - that doesn’t mean you won’t love being a parent to a toddler, a pre-schooler, a primary age child, etc.

Don’t feel bad OP, the first year is SO, so hard. It basically broke me and left me with PND. Don’t beat yourself up, I’m sure you’re a good Mum- but anyone would crack under the strain of having a baby in lockdown plus the upset that you’ve described.

I’d be concerned your DS is in pain if he cries a lot and nothing soothes him. I’d go to the GP and not let them fob you off- keep going until you get an answer.

Could he be allergic to a type of food, milk, washing powder? Is he hungry? (Some babies need to eat more than others), or thirsty? Could he have a recurrent ear infection? (common in babies). Is he cold? Teething?

I’d want to get to the root of why he’s unsettled. If you can do that with help from GP and health visitor then things may improve.

Do you have a DP? He needs to help you and give you breaks/time to yourself.

I hope things improve.

Oh bless you. It's not you, it's lockdown and the nature of some babies.
My eldest was just awful when he was small. He was the one crying at meet ups etc.
Hang in there, try some teething remedies. Calpol might do the trick , teeth hurt. It won't be long before you can get out again.
I wonder if anywhere will run outdoor toddler groups when the weather perks up? Might be worth asking around.

Oh my goodness I don’t know how you mums of tiny ones have managed in lockdown... without the option of the library or baby gym or someone else’s house or the garden centre to play in the sheds, I would really struggle spending a whole day at home back in those days with my first. She was hard to nap and when she did wake up she’d be vile until she ate something but wouldn’t eat because she was vile, then she stopped eating virtually every food that I’d batch cooked and frozen for her anyway. She is now the easiest of my kids and very considerate/easy going.

You will get through it, be kind to yourself, it sounds like you’re doing great.

I really feel for you, because my son was the exact same. It's absolutely not you, it's just a really really difficult time. It's exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally. And nobody else understands why you're finding it so hard, because other babies are like a walk in the park by comparison.

The only thing I can suggest is regular breaks from your child, but I know that can be impossible to arrange...I never managed it myself!

I just kept plodding on, somehow, and my life got bearable when DS turned 2. He's now 3 and I can't get over how much more enjoyable he is. It's a long road, but it does get better in the end

Oh I feel for you too, lots of love for you here OP. You're not doing anything wrong and neither is your bubba, and no one thinks a 12 month old is misbehaving.

Honestly, I'd try a bit of calpol. If he's in pain (teething most likely) then he'll settle a bit with that and you'll 100% have done the right thing by relieving the pain 🌺

I remember having DD out in the pram at that age and her crying for hours, I was so resentful of other mums with their chill babies able to walk through town without people giving them side eye 👀 She's 2 now and a lot calmer, we learned how to get through it together 💜

Being a new mum during this pandemic and lockdown cannot be easy.
If the doctors have given your little lad the all clear then chalk it up to the ugly side of raising a child. When your baby is crying it's horrible when you feel like you can't comfort them. But it will pass. Once he's a little older, he'll be able to understand that good behaviour gets rewarded and he's being a little horror, Mum will kick ass lol.
Hang on in there And I love @MeltedCioccolato s keeping empty tubs around. Making racket has to be better than crying xx

Also find your tribe and lots of ideas for keeping a soon to be toddler happy here:

Trapped toddler parents: puddlesuits splashing towards spring www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4169159-Trapped-toddler-parents-puddlesuits-splashing-towards-spring

💜

I have a baby boy a couple of weeks younger than yours and he has just gone into leap 8 this week, there has been a very noticeable change in his mood he’s much more frustrated.

I also suspect mine is teething (we’re now on to tooth 9 ) he’s very drooly and has a bit of runny nose which understandably adds to the grumpiness.

Something I found really helpful was the huckleberry app. I only used it for timing his naps and it really helped to know when he might be getting overtired.

It’s so hard being a ftm during lockdown having no one around to give advice!

I recall 8-16 months being the hardest stage especially with number one. I had no support. I don't think I fully trusted my instincts as a mother until I had number two. I think my son's grizzliness was due to frustration as he was on the late side for crawling and walking. I wish I had just carried him in a sling on really grumpy days. Now he is 13 and about easier x