To be sick of writing a reference for her?

[MiaMarshmallows]

I agreed to be a reference for a colleague last year. Since then I have been asked to write numerous references as they seemingly never get the job they want.
AIBU to say I want to be taken off the list as a reference and also, has this happened to anyone else?

The job market is brutal at the moment.

Asking to be "taken off the list" would be mean and incredibly unhelpful to her. Also I don't really understand what's so onerous about providing a reference?

Write one, keep it on file, bob's your uncle. Or if they really want to speak to someone you're looking at being on the phone for a small number of minutes. Just do it and be grateful you're not looking for a job.

Can you not write an email to her with “to whom it might concern” - do a glowing report and then sign it off with your contact info. Tell the former colleague she can forward it to whoever needs one in future. If the new employer wants confirmation it’s genuine they can come back to you at that stage for a quick, yes.

A phone call would not be acceptable way of contact for a reference. Employers need something in writing. Not would anyone accept a reference forwarded by the applicant. I recently wrote a reference for someone- I was asked because I had a corporate email address at my work. Personal email addresses were not acceptable. The new employer emailed me and I had to fill in their form.

I think you are being very petty. I hope you become unemployed one day and struggle to find a job, and your referee complains about how annoying it is to keep writing you references! Honestly, copy, paste, make some small changes and send. Takes 2 minutes!

how can you even ask,
how awful of you to not be bothered any more.
save the reference, copy and paste. no problem

When was the last time you looked for a job, OP?

SarahAndQuack

theuncles
Its a bit odd - Employers don't ask for a reference unless they are offering the person the job.
confused Are we back in 1972?

SarahAndDuck that’s how it works where I work. How else can it work without letting go your employer know you’re looking for a job?

@ThePricklySheep

SarahAndQuack

theuncles
Its a bit odd - Employers don't ask for a reference unless they are offering the person the job.
confused Are we back in 1972?

SarahAndDuck that’s how it works where I work. How else can it work without letting go your employer know you’re looking for a job?

It's increasingly common to ask for references before offering the job, though. It may not be in your line of work, but you can't assume that's still standard everywhere. In mine, it's totally normal to ask your employer to write you a reference for a new job, and to have them submit the reference before you interview, or certainly after shortlisting. I don't think I've ever applied for a job that waited to seek references until after offering the job to someone. I know that is unusual, but honestly, references during the earlier stages of the application aren't atypical any more, and employers need to get used to that.

@Lemonsyellow

The new employer always writes/emails the HR team at the current one for a reference. It has to be from a corporate email address, in my experience. You can’t print off a random paper copy of reference at home.

Thanks...I've been in my job a long time - things have changed a lot I see.

It wasn’t me assuming anything, you were the one asking about the 1970s

That was to SarahandQuack.

As a potential referee I always pass a request for a reference to HR to complete, it can be tricky if personal opinions are put in references.

As an potential employer you don't know that the contact name you have been given is a friend from their old company.

I understand that references should only contain facts, so period of employment, number of sick days, any disciplinaries etc. Basically anything that could stand up and be proven in court!

@ThePricklySheep

It wasn’t me assuming anything, you were the one asking about the 1970s

Oh, I don't know, you did ask 'how else can it work' which does rather assume things, I think. But if you prefer, I will rephrase. 'One shouldn't assume ...'

You haven’t actually answered that. How does it work without letting your employer know you’re looking for a job?

I did answer. It doesn't. You do let your employer know. You ask them to write you a reference.

Alternatively you accept the fact you're going to have periods of unemployment, or you get into a different line of work where it's not the norm to ask for references during the selection process.

As I said upthread, I've been job-hunting since 2013; I've never had an employer who gave two hoots about writing me a reference while I was working for them. Obviously if there was lots of time left on the job (upwards of a year or so) we'd have a conversation about it, but no one ever made me feel bad for asking.

Sarahandquack - I'm glad I don't work in the same field! It would be awfully awkward in my field to be asking for a reference whilst employed on a regular basis without having been offered the job (subject to reference of course but that's more of a formality). Funnily enough my field is HR.
I actually think employers need to stop relying on references like this, it's really pretty pointless. I've known employers to write 'good' reference because they want to get rid of someone and anyway what is 'good' and 'bad' will depend on many factors. The interview is the place to make a judgment on the suitability of the candidate. The reference is rly to check for any massive skeleton in the closet. Not to delegate that assessment to a third party/the current or former employer.
More and more employers just write standard basic references confirming work and start dates etc and it seems sensible on balance.

@theuncles

Its a bit odd - Employers don't ask for a reference unless they are offering the person the job.

NHS and Education aren't like that.

For Education, it's expected that you tell the Head before even applying for any positions and then they take up references prior to interview. Failure to do this can result in you being on the receiving end of a rather offended/angry/furious/absolutely fucking incandescent Head Teacher - of course, the ones where the Head is happy to oblige, you don't have a problem with asking in the first place.

The NHS asks if they can contact your referees prior to interview - but, from experience, are known to 'forget' you've marked 'No' and contact them anyway. Because they prefer to do it that way. The boss I had who was contacted went ballistic at me for disloyalty in daring to look for another job. Which was why I wanted to get another job in the first place. So I was stuck (because I needed to pay my bills) in a job I already didn't like with a toxic boss who was now thinking about firing me because I wasn't loyal or grateful enough for the pittance I was being paid in full knowledge that any further reference requests would result in my dismissal as I'd been there for under two years.

Either keep a copy on file to paste as and when, or contact this person and say ' I am no longer able to supply you a reference, I think it would really benefit your applications if you update your information and use someone you have been in contact with more recently. good luck with the search'. If you are feeling negativity about this, could this be coming across in your reference? If this person is getting quite close to getting the job and it comes down to their references, is it something you have put?

@oblada

Sarahandquack - I'm glad I don't work in the same field! It would be awfully awkward in my field to be asking for a reference whilst employed on a regular basis without having been offered the job (subject to reference of course but that's more of a formality). Funnily enough my field is HR. I actually think employers need to stop relying on references like this, it's really pretty pointless. I've known employers to write 'good' reference because they want to get rid of someone and anyway what is 'good' and 'bad' will depend on many factors. The interview is the place to make a judgment on the suitability of the candidate. The reference is rly to check for any massive skeleton in the closet. Not to delegate that assessment to a third party/the current or former employer. More and more employers just write standard basic references confirming work and start dates etc and it seems sensible on balance.

Well I am strongly considering getting out of it!

But actually, no, this bit is one of the nicer things. Because it's seen as quite normal, your employer will give you helpful advice about jobs and some of them will work with you to make sure their reference describes the job you're currently doing in the most helpful way for a future job. I think that's why these references are genuinely useful; they'll actually tell you a lot about the candidate.

The issue isn't really about her being out of work, I am unemployed as well although thinking of early retirement.
It's more that she clearly is getting jobs and then turning them down or leaving them very soon after. Considering it's hard to find a job, I just don't understand why she is not sticking at it or seeing it through.

I will just copy and paste in the future.

@MiaMarshmallows

The issue isn't really about her being out of work, I am unemployed as well although thinking of early retirement. It's more that she clearly is getting jobs and then turning them down or leaving them very soon after. Considering it's hard to find a job, I just don't understand why she is not sticking at it or seeing it through.

I will just copy and paste in the future.

Well if you are unemployed too surely you shouldn't be sending references on behalf of previous employers, unless you owned that business. I assumed you were still working for the company both you and she worked for. It's not as if you can use headed paper for a company you no longer work for.

How do you know she is being offered the jobs and turning them down?

@MiaMarshmallows

The issue isn't really about her being out of work, I am unemployed as well although thinking of early retirement. It's more that she clearly is getting jobs and then turning them down or leaving them very soon after. Considering it's hard to find a job, I just don't understand why she is not sticking at it or seeing it through.

I will just copy and paste in the future.

She might not be getting any offers in the first place. Or the companies are folding/laying people off due to Covid. Or she's only managed to get part time hours that aren't enough to manage financially - or they were only temporary and she's trying to get the next one lined up/something more secure (most public bodies insist upon checking all references going back 5-10 years, for example - they won't accept the last four temping jobs as good enough for a reference).

@Notaroadrunner that doesn't matter. I give references for my old team. They worked for me. Better quality reference than a HQ reference with dates only. It's normal. My clients usually prefer to call an ex manager than a head office too.

What's not normal is this poster's weirdness about her friend and the subsequent back pedalling on the tale!