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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of writing a reference for her?

102 replies

MiaMarshmallows · 23/02/2021 19:38

I agreed to be a reference for a colleague last year. Since then I have been asked to write numerous references as they seemingly never get the job they want.
AIBU to say I want to be taken off the list as a reference and also, has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
Lemonsyellow · 23/02/2021 21:29

@magicstar1

Why can’t you just write one and she can print as many copies as she needs?
The new employer always writes/emails the HR team at the current one for a reference. It has to be from a corporate email address, in my experience. You can’t print off a random paper copy of reference at home.
Blyatiful · 23/02/2021 21:36

I have an impressive job title and always get asked to be a referee. Actually, that’s not true. Most people don’t ask; they stick my name down as the first I know of it is the reference request.

I can’t cut and paste - they are all different and usually on forms. So although I can use some of the same text, it often needs to be tailored. It takes time. And then there is often a phone call to follow up - I gave a reference to someone who went to work for the US government. The phone call took more time than the written reference.

So if it’s done properly, it is time consuming.

crumpledlinens · 23/02/2021 21:36

four or five times? sorry I think you're being very unreasonable and ungenerous.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 23/02/2021 21:37

I worked many years in international finance as team manager and it was not seldom that young people looking for an expansion in their career would apply for other employment, post- graduate studies etc. When I was asked to give a reference I told them to write their own, in order to be able to give "application appropriate" comments.
I couldn't research every job / institution being applied for and never wanted to submit a meaningless "punctual, reliable, good team-worker" bunch of comments.
I would read over, approve, add a couple of personal comments, sign and send.

Mummadeze · 23/02/2021 21:40

So mean. Am shocked. It probably takes about as long as posting on here a couple of times. Have some compassion for the person out of work.

RaininSummer · 23/02/2021 21:41

My referees last week told me that the form they had to complete was pretty detailed and specific so not just confirming that you worked there. Also you definitely cannot have ones which the referee sends you earlier to forward yourself! Part of the process is verification so obviously they have to contact the referees independently.

It has taken me about 6 applications to land a new job and I would have been extremely unhappy (and probably punished in some way) if my boss had been aware that I was job hunting. I think that is a very unfair and unecessary practice by your company OP and you do come across as a bit of a meanie.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 23/02/2021 21:47

Could it be that even if she is offered the job, she finds that the people, tasks , conditions etc are just awful and instead of just being grateful for having a job - she would rather leave and look for something else than suffer a massive breakdown? Oh just me then Confused?

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/02/2021 21:50

I lost my hospitality job due to covid. I applied for a part time job at Costa well below my previous level and skill set but I needed any job. They had over 500 applicants. I was down to the last two and didnt get it. This has happened a lot since I lost my job, and I have only just found something because my friend got me a job at a local shop becase her sister is the manager. Without her, god knows how long it would have been.

As a PP said, why not try being grateful that you are writing the references and not needing them.

iklboo · 23/02/2021 21:54

Good grief. You think you write CVs so brilliantly the woman should be a shoo in for any job she goes for? Never mind she's likely one of hundreds applying, if not thousands? Other people might have more experience or qualifications? Crikey.

FossilisedFanny · 23/02/2021 21:57

You’ve even acknowledged before that jobs aren’t that easy to get , don’t be so heartless.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 23/02/2021 22:00

Maybe the Job Centre are forcing her to apply for jobs she isn't ideal for in terms of experience - that would answer why she's getting to the last couple of places before somebody else pips them to the post 'with more relevant experience'.

Sounds like she's applying to places that request references prior to interview as well - the NHS and Education sectors are two that are very keen on asking before they make a decision to interview. Which is a bit shit if you're trying to extricate yourself from a toxic working environment, as the request never seems to go down well, whether you tell them in advance or not. In addition, she may have only been able to get a part time job and, in addition to applying for full time posts, the JCP will also insist that they look for part time ones as well (and agencies always request references before taking somebody on).

Just save a word document with the general information, cut and paste into a pdf for each one/crib sheet for completing 'fill in the box' online references. I have to do the things daily for about 200 people, so it's handy to have a generic available, rather than running reports every time.

It's irritating, yes - but she won't get any job if you refuse to provide a reference for her (I lost a job that way - the only employer I'd had in the time period said he was too busy to bother - the offer was retracted).

MatildaTheCat · 23/02/2021 22:01

Consider it your part in the national effort? It doesn’t sound that arduous.

spaceghetto · 23/02/2021 22:10

I am in the same position as you but am happy to help, job hunting now must be awful.

theuncles · 23/02/2021 22:27

Its a bit odd - Employers don't ask for a reference unless they are offering the person the job.

SarahAndQuack · 23/02/2021 22:30

@theuncles

Its a bit odd - Employers don't ask for a reference unless they are offering the person the job.
Confused Are we back in 1972?
hibbledibble · 23/02/2021 22:33

It does seem very uncharitable of you, especially when the job market is so tough nowadays, and it must be very difficult to be unemployed. Why are you even writing multiple references, rather than the same one each time?

Ameliablue · 23/02/2021 22:33

Are you aware there had been a pandemic over the past year? Not really surprising it's harder to get a job.

lydia2021 · 23/02/2021 22:39

Well you are fortunate not to be looking for job. One day, you may need references. I have given references to many people over the years. I always make a point of showing them what I have written, as it's common courtesy, as I would like someone to tell me how they had written it for me. Cut and paste as OP have said, but keep it relevant

Cadent · 23/02/2021 22:40

It's also a question of why she is not getting the job as I have had to write about 4 or 5 in the last few months.

It's a bit worrying that you didn't think to copy and paste after the first 1 or 2 references, OP.

Pumpkinandseeds · 23/02/2021 23:13

If OP is completing online reference forms then copying and pasting isn't possible.

OP you could do a generic reference on letterhead and save that and then email it across instead.

Were you her colleague or line manager? I work in HR and have always said we can't accept references written by colleagues

viques · 23/02/2021 23:44

In what capacity are you writing the reference? If it is a personal character reference then I think it would be fine to have a generic reference written out , or at least to hand so that you can tick boxes.

If it is a work reference that she is asking you to write then that is trickier, when did you last work with her and what was the work relationship, ie were you a manager, business owner, colleague? Unless you actually owned the business I don’t think she should be asking you for a work reference. And I don’t think you should be giving one. It is up to the company she worked for to provide work related references.

whenindoubtBake · 24/02/2021 06:49

I would be really happy to be in a position to help anyone in any way that I can and would be mortified, if the tables were turned, that someone would think that of me.
It's a difficult securing a job at the moment and not securing employment after 4-5 interviews could be no fault of their own.
How hard it it to keep a copy of the reference and just copy and paste for whoever asks?
Anyone could find themselves in the same position and your reference could make a difference.

isitfridayyet1 · 24/02/2021 06:56

Gosh doing a reference is is not hard work at all. Just send the same one each time!

peak2021 · 24/02/2021 06:58

Only 4 or 5- I was expecting dozens. I'm glad employers are asking for references still.

Ricebubbles2 · 24/02/2021 07:02

To those claiming something is wrong she does not get the job
We have hundreds after the same job where I am and I am sure it is the same as your area.
Why does it not be done via emails
Written is old fashioned?
I do not understand your process but here you give the name and email, phone number and it's a phone call for a reference
Who writes in for a job? That happens years ago not nowadays
Works high competition so I wouldn't be judgey people because you never know what will eventuate
Maybe She is a crap interviewee like I am

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