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AIBU?

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Original poster

Taking the client relationship to a new level!

62 replies

zazas · 23/02/2021 17:59

Needing some opinions here (mine seems to have gone who knows where!) My DH and I own a company together and we have a client that we have both been involved with over the past 18 months but one he has recently taken on as their primary contact. However, the relationship is now going beyond what I consider professional and I am just wondering what I should do next.

Background, we are married / kids / in our fifties (how does this still happen at this age!) She is also married / in her thirties and no kids (not sure if that's even relevant). Outside of normal work chat (he has taken to use WhatsApp to communicate rather than an email that we normally use,) they are now 'bonding' over sport/fitness, which has led to him asking for advice on exercise/equipment etc. However, the conversations now include kisses at the end and emojis with hearts/hugs etc. Now it has got to the stage where they are suggesting about meeting up (what's covid?!) and having a walk together soon. Both sides are encouraging it - him - "you're my favourite client", her, "you're my favourite person", "you're cunning and heroic to me". Doing favours for each other (getting gear at trade) - her, "you are my hero" foxy emoji and him lots of love hearts (let me baff here). It is accelerating and frequent.

He is suffering from a long term physical injury at the moment so I know that has been bringing him down and of course he is middle age so very concerned with ageing etc. However, we are pretty active (out on long walks daily), exercising at home and we share a background in sport etc so it is not like I don't support nor understand him.

He does have a history of needing extra gratification from others (females!) to boost his ego when he is feeling low although I am confident that nothing has come from it in the physical sense before.

Our relationship is actually pretty good - little arguments, have survived lockdown well, want the same things, pretty normal. Lots of affection etc. He is just mostly down about his injury although I am supporting him with this and he has choices about the next steps - so not all doom and gloom.

I see these notifications because he often gets me to use his phone to read his messages (and he doesn't have his glasses on etc) while we are out. The WhatsApp ones pop up continuously, they are not hard to see and yep I admit that I have now looked - as you do when love hearts from a client are coming in at a furious rate!

Furthermore, two of our employees have now questioned it - he has mentioned to them that she is messaging him and he finds them slightly 'over the top' but he thinks that it is 'cute' etc. They have separately mentioned to me that they found it strange and they also find her quite manipulative...was I aware?

So what to do, am I being unreasonable, should I address it? Ignore it? Let it pan out? She has asked to meet up for a walk together next week. Could really do without this!

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 23/02/2021 18:02

You REALLY need to sit down and talk. You need to mention that others have commented. He needs to stop the personal WhatsApp and return this to business emails.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2021 18:04

Of course you have to address this. Your husband is playing with fire and making a tit of himself. He needs to hear in no uncertain terms that what he's doing is a dealbreaker should it continue one minute longer.

YouWantToDoWhatInAPyrexDish · 23/02/2021 18:06

No real advice except to say you are definitely not being unreasonable. This is not acceptable behaviour.

Newfor2021 · 23/02/2021 18:09

Wow not only is he jeopardising your marriage, children & family but your business too!
I would be giving his head a serious wobble!!!

VinylDetective · 23/02/2021 18:11

He’s definitely making a tit of himself. Do women in thirties really fancy men in their fifties? I take it he’s not a sex God or obscenely wealthy?

HollowTalk · 23/02/2021 18:12

Has she actually met up with him before this?

You are incredibly patient, OP. I know I wouldn't be.

Original poster
zazas · 23/02/2021 18:19

I sure do, don't I! It has happened before (getting overly close to a client, but not often and not for a while) and it was OK last time when I addressed it, in that he 'got it' and apologised although I know he thought it was just a few relatively harmless messages! The difference with this one is that she is relentless and encouraging and he responds to this - even if it is just ego gratification at this stage. I have so much on (with slightly needy out-of-school/university kids and the business) which is why I have not yet found the energy to deal with it - but I am an idiot to ignore any longer! Thanks for replying.

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 23/02/2021 18:22

@VinylDetective

He’s definitely making a tit of himself. Do women in thirties really fancy men in their fifties? I take it he’s not a sex God or obscenely wealthy?
Unfortunately not obscenely wealthy! He is considered to be good looking - in that older man way (think Colin Firth) and is a wonder at paying compliments and soaking up any given to him! But he is a tit - 100%!
OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 23/02/2021 18:23

@HollowTalk

Has she actually met up with him before this?

You are incredibly patient, OP. I know I wouldn't be.

Yes loads of times - although in a work sense only and sometimes with me there. We have a combined zoom call next Friday - that might be fun! I am too patient but I figure he must be feeling bad about himself to need this...
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2021 18:25

It's also quite telling and humiliating that your employees have noticed and commented on his shenanigans. How utterly cringe worthy.

Ileflottante · 23/02/2021 18:26

This is absolutely not on. What the fuck does he think he’s doing?! You have to talk to him OP.

On a separate note you're cunning and heroic to me Confused

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 23/02/2021 18:27

I'm minded to cut him a small amount of slack here purely because he is obviously in complete denial as to how wrong this is. Otherwise he wouldn't be letting you see the messages!

That doesn't for one second excuse the behaviour, but I think a harsh dose of reality is needed. The verbal equivalent of a cold bucket of water to the face.

He is making an arse of himself and risking his marriage and the respect of his employees. Tell him others are concerned and it is frankly embarrassing. She is very obviously after something- cheap rates, attention, whatever. He is beimg very publicly played by her. Make that clear. And then take over contact with her yourself. If she kicks off, fire her as a client.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2021 18:28

I am too patient but I figure he must be feeling bad about himself to need this...

For fuck's sake, op, what about you? He does not "need" the attention of other women, he wants it. Where is his loyalty to you, his wife? Fuck him for being such a sleaze.

BumBurnerBum · 23/02/2021 18:30

Well I fancy my DH (50s) and I'm still just in my 30s so it's not that unrealistic.

The fact that others have mentioned this is v bad.

Veterinari · 23/02/2021 18:32

On the positive side it sounds like you have loyal employees.

On the negative

He's incredibly unprofessional
He's disloyal
He's showing no consideration of your feelings
He's embarrassing you both
He's likely to lose this client/negatively impact your business
He's a black hole of need that requires affection from strangers because his existing wife, family and friends aren't enough for him

gottakeeponmovin · 23/02/2021 18:35

This is pretty familiar to me. She is a woman who isn't actually sexually interested in your husband but is relaxing in the attention because it's making her feel good. Probably has problems in her marriage or something that s damaged her self esteem. You husband has his ego boosted because someone thinks he is clever, funny etc - he gets compliments for things that in a normal marriage would just go unnoticed. He becomes obsessed she doesn't want him but carries on encouraging it because of her ego boost. Then it's make or break time. Put a stop to it now

PerfidiousAlbion · 23/02/2021 18:35

Is she acting inappropriately through ignorance or is she knowingly brazen.

The answer would determine my next course of action.

Original poster
zazas · 23/02/2021 18:38

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

I'm minded to cut him a small amount of slack here purely because he is obviously in complete denial as to how wrong this is. Otherwise he wouldn't be letting you see the messages!

That doesn't for one second excuse the behaviour, but I think a harsh dose of reality is needed. The verbal equivalent of a cold bucket of water to the face.

He is making an arse of himself and risking his marriage and the respect of his employees. Tell him others are concerned and it is frankly embarrassing. She is very obviously after something- cheap rates, attention, whatever. He is beimg very publicly played by her. Make that clear. And then take over contact with her yourself. If she kicks off, fire her as a client.

Thank you - you seem to understand...I swear at times he justifies everything/denies everything else - it is a special skill that he has - bloody annoying! It doesn't excuse his behaviour and he does need a hard dose of reality. I just feel that he is in bad space and therefore while I will address it - I am not going in guns blazing playing the what about us - more what is happening with you that you feel OK about letting this happen. I know he is committed to our relationship - but he so likes that ego stroked - pretty much the exact opposite of me!
OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 23/02/2021 18:39

@gottakeeponmovin

This is pretty familiar to me. She is a woman who isn't actually sexually interested in your husband but is relaxing in the attention because it's making her feel good. Probably has problems in her marriage or something that s damaged her self esteem. You husband has his ego boosted because someone thinks he is clever, funny etc - he gets compliments for things that in a normal marriage would just go unnoticed. He becomes obsessed she doesn't want him but carries on encouraging it because of her ego boost. Then it's make or break time. Put a stop to it now
That about sums it up!
OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 23/02/2021 18:40

@PerfidiousAlbion

Is she acting inappropriately through ignorance or is she knowingly brazen.

The answer would determine my next course of action.

I don't know her outside of our working environment but her behaviour has been noted/commented on by the team over the 18 months as slightly obsessive...
OP posts:
LoudestCat14 · 23/02/2021 18:53

He really is being tit but it does sound as though he's acting without intent and that he's a bit head in the clouds about the ramifications. I would sit him down and tell him it's completely inappropriate and not only are you concerned about it impacting your marriage, but he could be jeopardising the business if their 'connection' goes sour and she bad mouths him to others or worst still accuses him of unwelcome sexual advances (even if he's not doing that). Ask him if he's really willing to risk everything for this woman.

2bazookas · 23/02/2021 18:53

As you're using his phone,just reply to her text

  Your inappropriate  behaviour  is causing  embarrassment  to zaza and attracting negative  attention elsewhere.  For the sake of my marriage I am terminating your contract and all further communications with you.

Show it to DH and press send.

PhatPhanny · 23/02/2021 18:55

Id be transferring her across as my client, he is to have no further dealings with her, ever.

Its inappropriate, and could cause all kinds of hell, in your zoom call next week, inform her that with immediate effect you will be taking over her account.

Whatever the reasons he is doing it, its not right, and not fair on you or your marriage.

You need to put a stop to it now, before it goes any further.

BiscuitSewingTin · 23/02/2021 18:58

It has happened before (getting overly close to a client, but not often and not for a while) and it was OK last time when I addressed it, in that he 'got it' and apologised although I know he thought it was just a few relatively harmless messages!

He’s in his 50s, not a teenager. Stop making excuses for him. He knows this is inappropriate. Stop wasting your energy trying to careful explain how he has hurt you. He knows what he is doing and doesn’t care about you.

toocold54 · 23/02/2021 18:59

The texts and wanting to meet up wouldn’t bother me nor would the kisses at the end of the texts - but the love hearts is a step way too far!!

It has obviously moved from business to friends which is fine but this is way too much. What’s strange though is that he’s not being secretive so strangely I don’t think you have anything to worry about.