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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Taking the client relationship to a new level!

62 replies

zazas · 23/02/2021 17:59

Needing some opinions here (mine seems to have gone who knows where!) My DH and I own a company together and we have a client that we have both been involved with over the past 18 months but one he has recently taken on as their primary contact. However, the relationship is now going beyond what I consider professional and I am just wondering what I should do next.

Background, we are married / kids / in our fifties (how does this still happen at this age!) She is also married / in her thirties and no kids (not sure if that's even relevant). Outside of normal work chat (he has taken to use WhatsApp to communicate rather than an email that we normally use,) they are now 'bonding' over sport/fitness, which has led to him asking for advice on exercise/equipment etc. However, the conversations now include kisses at the end and emojis with hearts/hugs etc. Now it has got to the stage where they are suggesting about meeting up (what's covid?!) and having a walk together soon. Both sides are encouraging it - him - "you're my favourite client", her, "you're my favourite person", "you're cunning and heroic to me". Doing favours for each other (getting gear at trade) - her, "you are my hero" foxy emoji and him lots of love hearts (let me baff here). It is accelerating and frequent.

He is suffering from a long term physical injury at the moment so I know that has been bringing him down and of course he is middle age so very concerned with ageing etc. However, we are pretty active (out on long walks daily), exercising at home and we share a background in sport etc so it is not like I don't support nor understand him.

He does have a history of needing extra gratification from others (females!) to boost his ego when he is feeling low although I am confident that nothing has come from it in the physical sense before.

Our relationship is actually pretty good - little arguments, have survived lockdown well, want the same things, pretty normal. Lots of affection etc. He is just mostly down about his injury although I am supporting him with this and he has choices about the next steps - so not all doom and gloom.

I see these notifications because he often gets me to use his phone to read his messages (and he doesn't have his glasses on etc) while we are out. The WhatsApp ones pop up continuously, they are not hard to see and yep I admit that I have now looked - as you do when love hearts from a client are coming in at a furious rate!

Furthermore, two of our employees have now questioned it - he has mentioned to them that she is messaging him and he finds them slightly 'over the top' but he thinks that it is 'cute' etc. They have separately mentioned to me that they found it strange and they also find her quite manipulative...was I aware?

So what to do, am I being unreasonable, should I address it? Ignore it? Let it pan out? She has asked to meet up for a walk together next week. Could really do without this!

OP posts:

SnackSizeRaisin · 23/02/2021 19:01

It would probably be best if they break off all contact. Either terminate the business relationship completely, or you take over from him and deal with her yourself?
At the very least, messages need to return to business emails and the over familiarity needs to stop. She won't like that though - there will probably be a backlash.
Don't kid yourself - it's very common for younger women to be interested in older men, and vice versa. He could easily end up having an affair with her and ruining all your lives.

Original poster

zazas · 23/02/2021 19:18

You are all right (not expecting any other conclusion of course) just needed to get some thinking space to address it so my words have meaning and not too much anger coming through. It seems crazy even having to write this post - for context (but not an excuse) we are in the creative industry/events (lots of socialising etc) so being friendly with clients is not that unusual but there are limits - and it's been crossed. Maybe on tomorrow's walk as finding any space tonight with teenagers home from university is not likely! Thanks for putting my head straight

OP posts:

Original poster

zazas · 23/02/2021 19:24

@toocold54

The texts and wanting to meet up wouldn’t bother me nor would the kisses at the end of the texts - but the love hearts is a step way too far!!

It has obviously moved from business to friends which is fine but this is way too much. What’s strange though is that he’s not being secretive so strangely I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

There are far too many kisses in this business with clients/talent. But no love hearts usually! It is the way that she is egging him on that bothers me - it is a bit creepy and obsessive... He is not being super secretive but not exactly sharing, he's definitely enjoying the attention - lockdown has stopped all his usual (and harmless) avenues of ego-stroking! Best I head off to see how he is

OP posts:

Monr0e · 23/02/2021 19:25

You are bending over backwards to make excuses for him. He doesn't even need to bother explaining himself. You are basically saying, my husband is having an emotional affair right infront of me, how do I bring it up with him without upsetting the poor little diddums.

Why on earth wouldn't you be angry He is massively disrespecting you, your marriage and your business

billy1966 · 23/02/2021 19:42

OP,
Of course YANBU. (Similar age here.)

But he has form in the way some vaguely attractive aging vain men can.🙄

Unfortunately these 'skirmishes' must chip away at your regard, respect and tolerance for him, and after a long marriage with children THAT is sad.

Realistically his vanity makes YOU very vulnerable, with such a fragile ego he could have his head turned and go at any time.

Undoubtedly he possibly could regret it and fall flat on his face, but the damage would be done.

I think articulating your calm intolerance might be wise, and perhaps putting it up to him at some point that perhaps he needs to go if he feels so dissatisfied.
I certainly wouldn't do any sort of imploring.

He is being very disrespectful of the family, life and business that ye have built together, and this isn't the first time.

He is also hugely taking all that you have built together for granted, and YOUR LOVE.

You sound a bit long suffering and that is a shame as you sound like a great woman.

(This would piss me off so much and the temptation to press the nuclear button would be very tempting...but then I have zero tolerance for this type of bullshit in marriages)

Only you know how much of this twittery you can tolerate.

Whatever you do, make sure you are
protected from his vain stupidity, financially and otherwise.

BiscuitSewingTin · 23/02/2021 19:42

the way that she is egging him on that bothers me

Stop blaming the woman. He is the one writing his own messages.

Original poster

zazas · 23/02/2021 19:44

In my experience anger doesn't work with him, (there are reasons from before me), showing I'm hurt and holding a mirror up to his behaviour so he 'sees' it, then he gets it. I'm not bringing the kids into it, it can wait until tomorrow. I'm certainly not excusing his behaviour but I do like to understand it, it never comes from nowhere...

OP posts:

Original poster

zazas · 23/02/2021 19:46

@BiscuitSewingTin

the way that she is egging him on that bothers me

Stop blaming the woman. He is the one writing his own messages.

Sorry that's not what I intended, he's equally involved. But she's very relentless!

OP posts:

BiscuitSewingTin · 23/02/2021 19:53

showing I'm hurt and holding a mirror up to his behaviour so he 'sees' it, then he gets it

He’s taking the piss OP and pushing limits to see what he can get away with. You shouldn’t have to explain to your own husband again that these things hurt you. Even once is too much. This is as bad as the husbands that feign not being able to use a washing machine. Your husband is in his 50s and works a job where client relationships are important but is repeatedly pretending he doesn’t understand the basics of how romantic relationships should work. Come on.

therocinante · 23/02/2021 19:56

He's embarassing himself, you, and your business. I can't believe how calm you are about it.

If your employees have noticed, then it's gone way, way too far.

BakedTattie · 23/02/2021 20:01

I think he’s making you look a fool, himself an old fool and is majorly discrediting your business.

There’s being calm op, and there’s being a walk over.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 23/02/2021 20:08

@Ileflottante

This is absolutely not on. What the fuck does he think he’s doing?! You have to talk to him OP.

On a separate note you're cunning and heroic to me

Yeah, what does that even mean?

Original poster

zazas · 23/02/2021 20:17

I'm listening! I am. Thank you

OP posts:

CSIblonde · 23/02/2021 20:36

I'd reply to her texts to him with a breezy message to the effect that your her account contact now & to direct all queries to you. Then block her from his phone. If your DH has a problem with that then tough.

Original poster

zazas · 23/02/2021 20:38

Thank you. I'm ruminating on what you have said... It's accurate and I needed to hear this... Appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

zazas · 23/02/2021 20:42

billy1966 - my last message was to you - thank you.

OP posts:

FeckinCat · 23/02/2021 20:54

At the very least he should be stepping back from his role as her primary contact. Any and all communications with this client should be dealt with by you.

He's risking losing his business, his marriage, and the respect of his children - all so that he can soak up a bit of flattery.

MNerGoneRogueAgain · 23/02/2021 22:59

How important is this client to your business?

Does it put your business at risk if, for example, you take over as primary lead and this irks her enough to take her business elsewhere?

LouiseTrees · 23/02/2021 23:19

You are both in business. Both go on the walk. I mean honestly I think I’d leave him but if you aren’t going to do that all go on the walk.

Original poster

zazas · 24/02/2021 00:05

The business element is not a problem, the company is big enough I can easily take care of that. What we offer is unique, and she represents a company that won't want to loose the contract with us. It's his over stepping of boundaries that I need to sort, his disrespect to me and the fact he is acting like an idiot. I'm not worried about addressing it with him, just frustrated at the age of 56 he still requires such validation from others and doesn't cherish what he has. Ahhhhhhhh!

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 24/02/2021 00:21

It's to be hoped her husband doesn't turn up at yours wanting answers. He could easily think something's going on if he catches sight of the messages.

Your husband needs to reign it in - he's subjecting himself to being gossiped about by employees (I note he mentioned her to them, probably imagining they'd admire that a woman 20 years younger seems interested in him but, in reality they clearly think he's a disloyal sleaze), and being unprofessional.

They want to go for a walk together? Why?🙄 she can bring her husband, then you go along too.

Not really...I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of thinking I'm jealous of such silliness. But honestly if you have to umm & aahh and analyse to this level rather then just tell him to pack it in, then your marriage problems must be fairly deep-seated. All needs to be addressed.

ExtraordinaryQuince · 24/02/2021 00:34

What lovely staff you have to show such loyalty and risk being shot as the messenger. I'd sit him down and spell out what he stands to lose, then it's up to him let the dopey git go

LouiseTrees · 24/02/2021 08:20

@zazas

Sorry my point was her contract is with the business. You are in leadership of the business ergo you can go in the walk. Don’t be a doormat.

Original poster

zazas · 24/02/2021 10:12

Just an update...did speak to DH last night. He was embarrassed and mortified that he had let it get to this stage. Couldn't at first properly explain why he did allow it to happen - but after some prodding, admitted he was feeling low about himself and the content physical pain and it has started out as just a little bit of diversion/harmless banter when he reached out to her for some advice. He was surprised that it escalated so quickly and started to feel uncomfortable and was trying to pull it back to a professional level (which I could see). Of course, he said, that she encouraged it, and (thanks to a Mumsnetter) I said, "but you did write your posts" which stopped him in his tracks and made him accept his part in it. I also got the but "nothing happened" to which I reminded him that it was my prerogative to decide where the 'line in the sand was' and that he had crossed it.

From a business perspective, I will now run the zoom meeting next week, will bring in another member of staff to account manage the client (it is at that stage anyway that it would be normal to do so) and that he was to stop all WhatsApp communications with her. I also made him cancel the appointment with a person that she recommended for his injury (we have many others that he can use) so there was no need to carry on that conversation. He was of course fine with all of that.

So - thank you to all that commented (it's so appreciated) and kicked me up the backside to sort it out. I never had any doubt re my need to - I just needed some other's perspective to allow me to gather my thoughts to formulate the discussion that was right within our own unique relationship.

OP posts:

FireflyRainbow · 24/02/2021 10:25

I'm in my 30s and like men in their 50s. I'd be furious OP.

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