Taking the client relationship to a new level!

[zazas]

Needing some opinions here (mine seems to have gone who knows where!) My DH and I own a company together and we have a client that we have both been involved with over the past 18 months but one he has recently taken on as their primary contact. However, the relationship is now going beyond what I consider professional and I am just wondering what I should do next.

Background, we are married / kids / in our fifties (how does this still happen at this age!) She is also married / in her thirties and no kids (not sure if that's even relevant). Outside of normal work chat (he has taken to use WhatsApp to communicate rather than an email that we normally use,) they are now 'bonding' over sport/fitness, which has led to him asking for advice on exercise/equipment etc. However, the conversations now include kisses at the end and emojis with hearts/hugs etc. Now it has got to the stage where they are suggesting about meeting up (what's covid?!) and having a walk together soon. Both sides are encouraging it - him - "you're my favourite client", her, "you're my favourite person", "you're cunning and heroic to me". Doing favours for each other (getting gear at trade) - her, "you are my hero" foxy emoji and him lots of love hearts (let me baff here). It is accelerating and frequent.

He is suffering from a long term physical injury at the moment so I know that has been bringing him down and of course he is middle age so very concerned with ageing etc. However, we are pretty active (out on long walks daily), exercising at home and we share a background in sport etc so it is not like I don't support nor understand him.

He does have a history of needing extra gratification from others (females!) to boost his ego when he is feeling low although I am confident that nothing has come from it in the physical sense before.

Our relationship is actually pretty good - little arguments, have survived lockdown well, want the same things, pretty normal. Lots of affection etc. He is just mostly down about his injury although I am supporting him with this and he has choices about the next steps - so not all doom and gloom.

I see these notifications because he often gets me to use his phone to read his messages (and he doesn't have his glasses on etc) while we are out. The WhatsApp ones pop up continuously, they are not hard to see and yep I admit that I have now looked - as you do when love hearts from a client are coming in at a furious rate!

Furthermore, two of our employees have now questioned it - he has mentioned to them that she is messaging him and he finds them slightly 'over the top' but he thinks that it is 'cute' etc. They have separately mentioned to me that they found it strange and they also find her quite manipulative...was I aware?

So what to do, am I being unreasonable, should I address it? Ignore it? Let it pan out? She has asked to meet up for a walk together next week. Could really do without this!

What an excellent resolution @zazas. Hats off to the way you handled it. I bet he was really sheepish. Did you manage not to point out that there’s no fool like an old fool?

I hope you’re planning to be your best assertive self at Friday’s Zoom meeting. And that you enjoy it immensely.

You sound like a great woman, he is very lucky to have you.

I really hope your patience isn't endless though.

You can be sure your employees, whom obviously are very loyal, now know that he is a bit of a sleeze.

I mean this kindly, but too much tolerance and understanding can allow people to think you are a bit of a walkover and will just accept any behaviour.

He needs to feel the heat of your displeasure and distaste for him and his behaviour.

He is not a wayward child, he is a husband and father and needs to cop on.

Otherwise I think this type of disregard for his marriage will continue unchecked.

He is not unique.

Every office has men like him that disrespect their marriages and colleagues who raise their eyes to heaven at them.

I really wish you well

@Aquamarine1029

It's also quite telling and humiliating that your employees have noticed and commented on his shenanigans. How utterly cringe worthy.

Well the didn't "notice" he told them she was messaging him an that he found it over the top but "cute".

"Furthermore, two of our employees have now questioned it - he has mentioned to them that she is messaging him and he finds them slightly 'over the top' but he thinks that it is 'cute' etc"

He’s done it before, then this time, and it will happen again.

Does he realise it can’t happen again??

Just an update...

I am delighted to see this resolution (sensible adults talking through what happened, reflecting and making changes to their behaviour) as it is such contrast to the usual Mumsnet “Sorry, OP, they’re definitely at it”/LTB.

Well done.

Well handled OP, hope he has learned from this. It was really unprofessional of them both, sounds rather sleazy, and risks the reputation of the business.

Is he really that naive to not know what he was doing? Do you really want a life of having to watch what he's up to and be suspicious? He's played the I'm such an innocent idiot card very well there. I'd be wondering what else he's been up to. I doubt he'll give up her attention room that easily abs might move to another messaging app so you don't know.

Just another update (for anyone who might be in the slightest bit interested!) I did keep thinking about what posters had written... You are right I am a very tolerant and understanding person and one that works on the principle that there is always a reason behind certain behaviours and I find it is best to try and understand what they are than rather than to make your own assumptions/judgements. So after our talk, I let it lie for a day and gave it more thought. (You will just have to trust me that there is nothing else going on and no intention on his behalf - I just know him so well.) But there was a reason for why it happened so I addressed that and what a difference in his own mental health since taking time to talk - yes he is feeling down, for all the usual covid reasons and his injury and is feeling slightly loss with his work on-hold. So we figured out what he could do to make small changes to improve his well being etc. I also made is very clear that that this sort of behaviour was not a solution to any of his 'problems' and that it was not something I would tolerate again.

I guess what I am trying to say - is that some of you really made me think that I needed to look at our marriage (and I mean that as in the well being of the other person who is 50% of the partnership) and not ignore it (which is easy to do when you are very busy) but also to make it very clear the impact on me (don't be a doormat!)

Your insightful messages really gave me the confidence to acknowledge the importance of addressing all areas of this issue and sort it out (regardless of how busy I am).

I know it is perhaps easier in your fifties when you have so much shared history and understanding of the other person to be able to calmly do this but hopefully, it will also give others an insight if they find themselves in a similar situation in their relationship, that if you really try and look at the whole situation and understand it - then (if it is appropriate) you can work it out together.

Once again - thank you to all that helped me with this problem

I'm really glad you have done this OP.
Very wise.

In healthy marriages there needs to be lines in the sand.

We do ourselves, relationships and family a huge disservice by not having clear established, acknowledged, self respect.

It's never good for children to see one party disregarded.

You ARE understanding, but making it very plain to him that you 'see' him clearly and will not be made a fool of is so important.

Your marriage sounds like a good one but he should NEVER take it for granted....

Hopefully he will reflect.

Wishing you the best.

Lovely update OP. I hope your DH takes on board everything you have said and realises what an idiot he has been. Especially as colleagues had noticed and felt they needed to alert you to how inappropriate his conduct was at work. My DH is the same age as yours and I would be furious with him, if this happened to me, for being so disrespectful towards me.

Next time your DH needs an ego boost tell him to buy a new bike or car!

OP, what a thoughtful and respectful post. Yes, we can all be idiots, and a marriage is a partnership where mistakes ; but only on the understanding that the relationship takes priority when it needs repair.

@zasas
What a good post to read, you dealt with it brilliantly.
I've been in a very similar position as you've described and what you put on your final post was very sound advice and very thought provoking. Thank you x