It's a football/drinking one

[again2020]

A certain football team in blue beat a certain football team in red away for the first time in 22 years on Saturday.

My partner is a huge fan of team in blue, as are his whole family.

I know for some this is huge cause for celebration.

I put some champagne in the fridge for him, but he wanted to go out and get beer and whiskey. I asked him to exercise caution and I knew he'd want to listen to music loud late into the night, and I asked him to wear headphones (good big ones that I got for him) after a certain time. It was also my birthday on Sunday and I didn't want him to be in bed until midday comatose. He didn't have a drink. I didn't stop him at all, I just wanted him to be sensible.

Now he is angry he missed out celebrating and telling me I'm boring, negative, depressing, ruin everyone's fun and am selfish and this may never happen in his lifetime again.

The background: We have a 3 year old daughter. Our relationship is not good, especially after he has had a drink. I enjoy a drink and night out, and don't think I am boring, but we are parents now he takes it too far. He likes listening to loud music and getting drunk into the small hours. He's a big man (6ft 16 stone) and can drink 10 beers and half a bottle of whiskey and it barely touches him. When I go to bed and he is still up drinking, as well as the music he behaves erratically like text me calling me names, he'll bang on the bedroom door (we usually sleep separately) and once threw all my clothes down the stairs. This behaviour scares me and I've come to dread him drinking. At Christmas he must have drank 100 units in a week and twice screamed at me that I was a fking c@@t for simply wanting to go to bed (it was midnight) and asking him to put his headphones in. When he drinks he is good for nothing until lunch the next day. Our daughter doesn't sleep through and I'm the one who gets up with her at any hour, 90% of the time and I'm left to sort her out in the morning until he surfaces.

Now: He is saying everyone got drunk other than him, I should be like other girlfriends/wives and handed him the champagne and whiskey and that he'll never get over this.

AIBU?

This has nothing to do with the football and everything to do with him being an arsehole. He needs to grow up.

You're scared of him and he calls you a cunt... I mean, you could try having a serious, final, come-to-Jesus chat with him but if you ask me, have my first ever LTB.

Yeah it's not about the match or celebrating, it's about him becoming an abusive drunk

The football is irrelevant, he’s an abusive wanker

Are you going to get over this? He seems to be relishing in the chance to treat you appallingly and is well on the way to making his behaviour your 'fault'. He is abusing you. Shouting, calling names and damaging your belongings is abuse. He is already escalating and you and your daughter are going to suffer for it, whether that's physically, mentally, emotionally or (more likely) all three.

It sounds like he has dragged his tantrum through your birthday as well? You honestly deserve more, and so does your daughter. Please really think about what you are choosing for your life - this man is not treating you like someone he even likes, let alone someone he loves above all others.

He is saying everyone got drunk other than him, I should be like other girlfriends/wives and handed him the champagne and whiskey and that he'll never get over this.

He'll never get over this?! What a fucking drama llama he is. Manipulative to say other girlfriends and wives would be happy for him to get trashed, when he acts aggressively and calls you a cunt. Newsflash for him: NO WOMAN WOULD HAPPILY HAND OVER THE CHAMPAGNE AND WHISKY TO THEIR PARTNER WHO IS A MEAN DRUNK, AND SAY "KNOCK YOURSELF OUT LOVE". NOT ONE.

He sounds awful OP, have you ever thought about leaving and the practicalities?

And you’re with him because??

I couldn’t carry on in a relationship like this. If you don’t leave for your sake do it for your daughter.

Right. This may be hard to read.

Leave.

I grew up in the house you are describing. As a young girl, I remember how much I spent worrying that a parent could change personality. Then I worked out that it was alcohol and learnt to dread parental alcohol consumption. I remember the careful walking on eggshells. I remember the anxiety when I saw the bottle come out. It got worse and worse and worse as the years passed.

I had to hide my homework as I hit my GCSE years in case it got randomly torn up, just as your clothes were thrown down the stairs. I dealt with loud music into the early hours the night before exams, weird drunken abusive texts, and drunken voicemail messages.

And the moment I could, I moved the fuck out at 18 years old.

Leave him

YABU for staying with him. He’s a drunk. An abusive one. Get out. Get safe. Save your child from growing up with this.

@PothoIeParadies Oh my goodness. That sounds awful.

If it ever got that bad for DD, I would leave no question.

Thanks everyone for replying. That's what I thought, jiust wanted opinions. And @IDKNABYBIF22 , I totally agree and in trying to defend myself I said that no one else would want that, but it falls on deaf ears.
It's difficult as I have a lot of money tied up in the house which was gifted by my parents (unprotected sadly) and they have begged me to stay so they don't loose their money. Partner says he'll say I'm mentally unstable and a drug addict (I take antidepressants) if I leave and he'll fight for custody of DD. Add to that he'd never pay child support. I'd really struggle for money. Generally terrified.
DD is a real daddy's girl and adores him, maybe one day this will change.

I’m a big football fan and can be a big drinker. I don’t swear at my dh, play loud music or throw clothes. I can be a bit hungover and grumpy the morning after the night before and appreciate my dh carries the slack on those days (maybe twice in the last year). However, I wouldn’t do it the night before his birthday. He doesn’t respect you and you need to decide if you can live with that. The best piece of advice I’ve ever received was ‘don’t make excuses for others’.

Get the hell out of dodge.

This has sod all to do with football and Liverpool v Everton. It has to do with you quite reasonably not wanting to live in an environment dictated by fear over when he will start drinking.

You have a young daughter: do not allow her to grow up thinking its normal to live in fear of her dad's moods according to which team wins or how much he's had to drink.

It's difficult as I have a lot of money tied up in the house which was gifted by my parents (unprotected sadly) and they have begged me to stay so they don't loose their money.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about what would happen if you left?

Partner says he'll say I'm mentally unstable and a drug addict (I take antidepressants) if I leave and he'll fight for custody of DD.

Lots of abusive men seem to say that they will fight for custody, he won't, he's just trying to scare and control you. Does he ever look after your daughter on his own? Or do you do all the childcare? If the answer is no and yes, then no way will he actually go for full custody.

Add to that he'd never pay child support. I'd really struggle for money.

Course he wouldn't pay it voluntarily, the prick. Have you looked into what benefits you would be entitled to if you were single?

Maybe your parents don’t know the extent to what you’re coping with? It sounds awful and at the very least he’s completely inconsiderate.

If it ever got that bad for DD, I would leave no question.

At Christmas he must have drank 100 units in a week and twice screamed at me that I was a fking c@@t for simply wanting to go to bed (it was midnight) and asking him to put his headphones in. When he drinks he is good for nothing until lunch the next day. Our daughter doesn't sleep through and I'm the one who gets up with her at any hour, 90% of the time and I'm left to sort her out in the morning until he surfaces.

It is already that bad for your daughter.

If it ever got that bad for DD, I would leave no question

Sorry OP but that ship has sailed: it is that bad.

It is not going to be easy but you know what you need to do.

Your daughter is already growing up learning this behaviour. She's aware of the shouting, swearing and atmosphere.

You should never stay with an abusive man. Financial issues can be sorted out. Your physical and mental happiness will be so much better without him.

I'm shocked your parents are putting money over your safety and happiness. Speak to a solicitor.

@thepeopleversuswork How though? Absolutely no-one in my life would support me. DD would be devastated. I'd have no money. Parents would be seething about their money. Partner would do everything he could to ruin my life. In laws would make things very difficult too.

What are my steps to take?

This is nothing to do with football. My DP is a massive football fan (of the team in red, unfortunately for us this weekend!) and while he would also celebrate a big football occasion such as winning the league or champions league, and would drink, it would never get to the stage of being selfish, abusive or useless and the fact that he blames YOU for his behaviour is the biggest red flag of all. Plenty of people have occasions where they drink a bit too much and act like a prat but no reasonable person would then pin that on their partner. You didn't stop him celebrating - he chose not to so he could then have a stick to beat you with.

If it ever got that bad for DD, I would leave no question.

Here's the thing (I apologise that this must sound very blunt), what you are dealing with now while she is three, is, on the scale, what I was putting up with at, erm, 10-13?

It's going to escalate gradually. You're not going to notice. I didn't notice all this while it was happening, and that's not just down to me being a child. I can identify the stages in retrospect!

He is already scary because he is verbally aggressive and physically aggressive with loud slamming and so on? I found that the level of violence escalated over the years.

Additionally, it is possible that the drinking bouts will slowly become more and more regular. Is that already happening? Simultaneously, as he ages, his recovery time is going to reduce. Firstly, each hangover will impact the family more, because it lasts longer.

Next, we're talking long-term health effects. I moved out at 18. 12 years later, I spent my birthday organising a funeral. Guess for whom? Yeah.

@PothoIeParadies I'm so so sorry
Can I ask you a few questions if I may? I don't mean to pry.

Did you love both your parents throughout your teens? Did you wish they would split up at all? What was the scenario you wanted?
Thank you x

@again2020

With regards to the house, have you ever spoken to a solicitor to see what would happen money wise if you left? If you are both on the deeds and 50/50, you should get 50%, and if the value of the house has gone up since you bought it then it may cover your parents gift of the deposit.

Shocking that they want you to stay with an abusive arsehole for the sake of it though.

I feel for you an abusive husband and parents who care more about their money than the well-being of their daughter and granddaughter.

This isn’t going to get better.

If you’ve got proof of where your deposit came from it might be worth a free chat with a solicitor to see if how the courts would view this when splitting assets. I’m hoping someone with more ideas around this will be along with better advice that might be more helpful

Do your parents realise what you're actually having to live with OP? That climate of fear his drinking creates? If so I think it's awful they'd put money before your happiness, no amount of money would make me beg my DD to stay in that situation.

What about your own financial position, are you working, have you done a benefits calculator to see if you would be entitled to any help? Don't assume you wouldn't be able to manage, lots of us stay longer than we should simply through fear of the unknown (financially) so find out exactly where you would stand, knowledge is power!

And don't listen to his threats, prescribed antidepressants do not make you a drug addict and he won't get 'custody' of DD, the courts will start at 50/50 shared care and then factor in stuff like working hours, who has been DD's main carer up til now etc and make an arrangement based on what's best for her. Don't let him hold you hostage by scaring you into staying, find out for yourself where you would stand and stop believing everything he says