It's a football/drinking one

[again2020]

A certain football team in blue beat a certain football team in red away for the first time in 22 years on Saturday.

My partner is a huge fan of team in blue, as are his whole family.

I know for some this is huge cause for celebration.

I put some champagne in the fridge for him, but he wanted to go out and get beer and whiskey. I asked him to exercise caution and I knew he'd want to listen to music loud late into the night, and I asked him to wear headphones (good big ones that I got for him) after a certain time. It was also my birthday on Sunday and I didn't want him to be in bed until midday comatose. He didn't have a drink. I didn't stop him at all, I just wanted him to be sensible.

Now he is angry he missed out celebrating and telling me I'm boring, negative, depressing, ruin everyone's fun and am selfish and this may never happen in his lifetime again.

The background: We have a 3 year old daughter. Our relationship is not good, especially after he has had a drink. I enjoy a drink and night out, and don't think I am boring, but we are parents now he takes it too far. He likes listening to loud music and getting drunk into the small hours. He's a big man (6ft 16 stone) and can drink 10 beers and half a bottle of whiskey and it barely touches him. When I go to bed and he is still up drinking, as well as the music he behaves erratically like text me calling me names, he'll bang on the bedroom door (we usually sleep separately) and once threw all my clothes down the stairs. This behaviour scares me and I've come to dread him drinking. At Christmas he must have drank 100 units in a week and twice screamed at me that I was a fking c@@t for simply wanting to go to bed (it was midnight) and asking him to put his headphones in. When he drinks he is good for nothing until lunch the next day. Our daughter doesn't sleep through and I'm the one who gets up with her at any hour, 90% of the time and I'm left to sort her out in the morning until he surfaces.

Now: He is saying everyone got drunk other than him, I should be like other girlfriends/wives and handed him the champagne and whiskey and that he'll never get over this.

AIBU?

1. Speak to a solicitor about the equity in your house. If you divorce, your assets will be split and you will get a share potentially as much as 50% of this.
2. Your parents' views ultimately are not relevant. They do not get to dictate how you choose to spend the rest of your life. Its yours and your daughter's lives which are in consideration there, not theirs.
3. Have you actually talked to them about how bad things are? I would strongly suspect that if they knew your feelings on this matter they would not urge you to stay in an abusive marriage. If, knowing what you've told us, they continue to believe you should stay, then frankly their opinions should be discounted. No responsible parents demand that their daughter stay with an abusive man.
4. Men routinely threaten to ask for full custody of their children in scenarios like this. They almost ever actually go through with it. Play this out: if he actually did get full custody, he would not be able to drink 10 pints every Saturday night and refuse to get up the next day. If he is stupid enough to call you a drug addict because you are taking antidepressants he will be identified a mile off as being an abusive twat.
5. I'm not going to pretend that this isn't going to be scary, unpleasant and highly disruptive. It is. But you have to play the long game. Do you want your daughter growing up thinking it is normal for a father to call his wife a cunt? Or for him to be so incapacitated he is unable to play any meaningful role in family life? I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you have a responsibility to extricate you and her from this.
6. If you haven't done so already I strongly recommend you speak to Women's Aid. They will have tons of practical advice.

I don't mean to be unfeeling or to suggest this will be easy: I've been through this and its bloody difficult. But its possible and by God you will feel better when you've come out the other side. And ultimately, you have to do it for your daughter.

You aren’t married, that might make a big difference to the house situation. You need legal advice

@Weirdfan My parents have their own toxic relationship and sadly they truly do think I should stay for the sake of their money. It was a lot though. I'm talking tens of thousands.
My dad was violent to his children and his wife when I was young. My mum stayed, god love her but she is a weak willed person who has never really worked or made decisions for herself.

@thepeopleversuswork

Thank you for the list. That's very helpful

One more thing, we aren't actually married. I'm guessing assets would not be 50/50 split in this case?

Of course you can split up with him! You have to stop making excuses and letting your parents tell you that you can’t leave because of the money they put into the house?

Talk to a solicitor is your first step!! You can’t just kick him out - but you can certainly either force the sale or have him buy you out!

You need to start the divorce proceedings though!

Your daughter can still see her dad!

He sounds absolutely horrible tbh. You definitely need to finish it

Did you buy the house together?

Can I ask you a few questions if I may? I don't mean to pry.

^Did you love both your parents throughout your teens? Did you wish they would split up at all? What was the scenario you wanted?
Thank you x^

I... was very mixed up as a teen. I had what I can only describe as a small, still voice saying, "Pot, you don't deserve this treatment" but I was also hearing "Pot, I'm sorry I did that last night. It's not my fault. I just drink because of work/to relax/to get to sleep". I swung between anger and protectiveness, guilt at the anger, protectiveness and then sheer white-hot rage.

My headteacher called me in once for a bit of a chat about what might be going on at home (a voicemail had been left in the midst of a drunken rage on the school's answerphone) in the early hours and I remember explaining that it was all work's fault. Because of course managers drive round your house, and tell you to deal with your stress with a bottle of cider, don't they?

I just desperately wanted the drinking to stop, really, and the happily ever after.

Organising the funeral was upsetting, but to be honest, I felt like the parent I'd loved had died a long time ago. I just buried the shambling shell.

My dh is quite a heavy drinker and a big blues fan, so many happy beers were consumed....and then he went to bed. No other dramas.
As others have said, this is about abusive behaviour and not football

@PothoIeParadies It sounds so painful for you.

I'm really sorry to keep going over it but you are helping me a lot

Did you want your parents to stay together, or would you have been ok if they split up if it meant the drinking and that behaviour stopped?

@dementedma
I know many of his blues friends celebrated and I feel bad he didn't get to. I'm fine with him drinking but in moderation and I hate the noise and what goes with it.

Do you think I am a spoil sport?

I'm a long way from being boring...I just don't like being kept awake by loud music when I have to get up with my daughter in the night. He says it's once in a lifetime and I should just suck it up...I know why he thinks I am unreasonable.

Is his name on the deeds of the house? Are you tenants in common or joint tenants? That makes a big difference.

As you're not married, he has no claim on any of your assets whatsoever unless they are legally jointly his.

@HavelockVetinari Both our names are on the deeds. I don't think I have any assets, sadly.

Please stop with the nonsense that "this doesn't have anything to do with football."

He wanted to get pissed because his team won a football match. The sort of man who goes way overboard in celebrating/commiserating his team's performance by getting incredibly drunk is the sort of man who makes an abusive or borderline-abusive partner.

It's the culture around football that causes this. Alcohol, violence and domestic violence are all closely linked with football culture. Claiming otherwise is wrong.

Do you know if you're on as joint tenants or tenants in common?

It must be joint. I'm not 100%

Did you want your parents to stay together, or would you have been ok if they split up if it meant the drinking and that behaviour stopped?

My situation is a little different. I was the child of a lone parent, so I can't know how I would have felt if I had two parents. I can tell you that I was looking forward to leaving myself long before 18. I initially tried to leave home at 16 after one awful incident before I'd even taken my GCSEs, but it's a bit difficult to leave at that age. To put it mildly! Besides, I was begged to come back. Everything would be different, I was told. I believed it and went back. I was a complete wazzock. You've guessed it- it didn't.

Don't worry about me. These days I've attained a sense of peace. [Zen emoticon] It also means I can always top trump my friends. "Well, when I was 11..."

I actually didn't realise exactly how bad it had been until I had children. As they grew up, I imagined them dealing with the same events I had, and I realised how young I'd really been. Weird, really.

again2020

If you're not married why did your parents agree to put money into the house?

You do need to speak to a solicitor about this. If you're not married this makes things more complicated. But you have put some money (or your parents have) into this house. If you split you will be entitled to some. Are you on the deeds?

Do speak to Women's Aid as well. They can advise you to some extent on legal issues.

You need to leave now.

It is that bad for Dd if she is in the house while he is drunk and/ or loud and abusive. There is no “if” about it.

This is only going to get worse - the text messages and throwing things will turn to personal violence against you or Dd. No question.

You do need to speak to a solicitor about the financial situation, but if you aren’t married generally speaking you keep what you already own. The money in the house is the complicating factor obviously.

In your post you stated Partner, are you married?
Personally I would leave now, and hope he finds someone else and loses interest in you and DD.

It's the culture around football that causes this. Alcohol, violence and domestic violence are all closely linked with football culture. Claiming otherwise is wrong.

There is a correlation between football culture and alcohol, violence and domestic violence and I know what you mean about the culture which I sometimes find nauseating. But correlation and causation are not the same thing.

There's a whole spectrum of football supporters ranging from benign obsession up to the full Millwall firm and some of those shades are pretty nasty but there are plenty of people who support football teams to the point of obsession who are capable of not being domestic abusers.

There are also plenty of drunken domestic abusers who don't follow football but find some other excuse to feel disrespected -- I was married to one for 11 years.

This is about the OP's partner being an abusive cunt, not the fact he's a football nut. Whether the trigger for this is Everton or his low self-esteem or whatever, the salient point is that he's a cunt and needs to be got away from.

[quote again2020]@thepeopleversuswork How though? Absolutely no-one in my life would support me. DD would be devastated. I'd have no money. Parents would be seething about their money. Partner would do everything he could to ruin my life. In laws would make things very difficult too.

What are my steps to take?[/quote]
Speak to Women's Aid. It's an abusive relationship.

Please get out of this awful relationship. If only for the sake of your DD.
(I never say this. I’m not 1 to type LTB easily!)

Drunken arguments and fights in my childhood home as well. Don't do it to her.
Or she may see you thrown down the stairs one day like I did.

@thepeopleversuswork They put money in as partner and I used to have a good relationship, I was pregnant and we were engaged. In the last 3 years the relationship has turned toxic beyond recognition really. We have always argued about things and his drinking, but having a child seems to highlight other problems in the relationship. I used to love him. I don't now, sadly, I really dislike him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me.