It's a football/drinking one

[again2020]

A certain football team in blue beat a certain football team in red away for the first time in 22 years on Saturday.

My partner is a huge fan of team in blue, as are his whole family.

I know for some this is huge cause for celebration.

I put some champagne in the fridge for him, but he wanted to go out and get beer and whiskey. I asked him to exercise caution and I knew he'd want to listen to music loud late into the night, and I asked him to wear headphones (good big ones that I got for him) after a certain time. It was also my birthday on Sunday and I didn't want him to be in bed until midday comatose. He didn't have a drink. I didn't stop him at all, I just wanted him to be sensible.

Now he is angry he missed out celebrating and telling me I'm boring, negative, depressing, ruin everyone's fun and am selfish and this may never happen in his lifetime again.

The background: We have a 3 year old daughter. Our relationship is not good, especially after he has had a drink. I enjoy a drink and night out, and don't think I am boring, but we are parents now he takes it too far. He likes listening to loud music and getting drunk into the small hours. He's a big man (6ft 16 stone) and can drink 10 beers and half a bottle of whiskey and it barely touches him. When I go to bed and he is still up drinking, as well as the music he behaves erratically like text me calling me names, he'll bang on the bedroom door (we usually sleep separately) and once threw all my clothes down the stairs. This behaviour scares me and I've come to dread him drinking. At Christmas he must have drank 100 units in a week and twice screamed at me that I was a fking c@@t for simply wanting to go to bed (it was midnight) and asking him to put his headphones in. When he drinks he is good for nothing until lunch the next day. Our daughter doesn't sleep through and I'm the one who gets up with her at any hour, 90% of the time and I'm left to sort her out in the morning until he surfaces.

Now: He is saying everyone got drunk other than him, I should be like other girlfriends/wives and handed him the champagne and whiskey and that he'll never get over this.

AIBU?

Your house definitely will have gone up in value by tens of thousands if you bought it over 3 years ago. Please speak to a solicitor and see what your options are for leaving.

again2020

Right OK. It's silly of them to have put money into what's effectively a property investment without the security of marriage to back this up: I guess this is partly why they don't want you to leave. Ultimately not a reason not to leave though.

You do need to speak to a solicitor. There are some subtleties about the way your tenancy is structured which will impact how you could split assets.

Some family solicitors will give you the first session free: worth shopping around.

Please also talk to Women's Aid.

Good luck with it. I've been in this situation and its horrible but I guarantee you there's a better life on the other side.

He's a grade A wanker. You shouldn't have to put up with this shit. Tell him to pack the boozing in or he can do one (and mean it)

I dont think you are a spoilsport at all!

Like @PothoIeParadies I've been the child in this. It's horrible!

Please leave ASAP for you and your dds sake. Extremely likely he won't change, this has sod all to do with football and everything to do with the fact he is an abusive alcoholic.

You're in separate rooms, there's no respect, there's no love, why are you staying? The relationship is dead.

If it ever got that bad for DD, I would leave no question.

News flash - its ALREADY bad for your dd, she is already absorbing the tension, anger and abuse that's present in her home

Your parents are arseholes too from sounds of things! Wtf kind of parent tells their child to stay in an abusive relationship?!

See a lawyer to check on the situation regarding the house it may not be as bad as you fear and even if it is no amount of money is worth staying in such a toxic environment

Partner says he'll say I'm mentally unstable and a drug addict (I take antidepressants) if I leave and he'll fight for custody of DD. abusers script!

Half the fucking country is on anti depressants especially at the moment!

I'm dx ocd and agoraphobic with serious depression and generalised anxiety. My ex tried to use that against me too in early contact hearings - went down like a lead balloon! With the judge even disclosing they too were on mh meds! Ex's face was a picture! His lawyer all but face palming/slapping him (he wasn't even supposed to speak himself in the hearing kept interrupting his own lawyer!). I've had times when i was raising dd (with precious little help from ex) where i was so ill i had daily visits from crisis team and ss and even at one point dd was taken care of by family. He kicked off then too and was told by my sw basically (I'm sure she was very polite about it but still firm enough to get him to behave) that his daughter barely knew him (due to his lack of bothering with contact!) she was settled in her school with good friends, we had a good support network and by staying with family she was still able to see me daily and go to school and see her friends and go to her extra curricular activities etc. That this is what was best for dd. It was only for a short amount of time until I was well enough to care for her again and we were well supported.

I'd also bet good money if you left him you'd be doing a damn sight better mentally!

My ex also never paid cm for the 1st 3 years and thereafter sporadically, and in those days cm was deducted from benefits, i managed. It was not easy but i managed and so would you.

Are you working? Whether you are or not have a look on the benefits calculators and do a "dummy calculation" to see what you're income would likely be. Plus i reckon you would get some equity from the house.

Dd is not a "daddy's girl" there's honestly no such thing. They go through phases of paying more attention to different parents, there may well also be an element of self preservation. She's placating him because she is scared of him! I did the same, right until i left my abusive home at 17 at which point i didn't even speak to my dad again for many years.

What are my steps to take?

Contact women's aid

Speak to a lawyer experienced in dealing with DA

Contact your local welfare rights office, they are usually attached to the social services dept but are administrators with expertise on the benefits system

Collate all info regarding finances, certificates, official documents

Start looking for a new home, unless you are advised you would be able to safely remain in the current one.

These people I've heard are helpful too

https://www.ncdv.org.uk

It's the culture around football that causes this. Alcohol, violence and domestic violence are all closely linked with football culture. Claiming otherwise is wrong.

No that's giving abusive arses an excuse!

My dad not a sports fan at all - still an abusive arse!

Many many people including my family and many friends are huge sports fans including football and they never behave like this. They celebrate wins, commiserate losses but it never becomes abuse.

I'm still dealing with the ramifications of being brought up in an abusive home - i left at 17 and I'm now 48. Do you want THAT for your dd?