To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

@Xenia

I am sure lots will not agree with me but I do not think we should allow adoption, only fostering.

Secondly have a very clear and public and all over the place public profile so if the child chooses to contact the birth mother it is easier. Also consider paying for ancestry websites too as people track relatives down on those too.

Why do you think a child should be denied secure attachments, parents and a family?

Do you know much about attachment and the impact it has on the persons future mental and physical health?

If I were to adopt I would want to know exactly what happened to result in the removal of the child and not just from a social workers point of view. Otherwise you could be investing 18 years into a child that could walk out and never look back.

Reading this as someone who bounced in and out of foster care, kinship placements, homelessness and birth mother....

I’m delighted I was never adopted by someone with this frame of mind. How dare you speak about a child as an “investment” who somehow would owe an adoptive parent a duty not to “walk out and never look back”? Children - whether biological or adopted - don’t ask to be born, they have the absolute right as independent adults to live their lives as they see fit with or without contact with their parents and adopted children certainly have no obligation to provide a return on your investment.

I don't know - on the one hand you have the Baby P scenario and on the other you have children being removed from their parents because a hospital finds one bruise (in the Sunday Times today). It seems like SS can't do right for doing wrong but sometimes it doesn't seem to take much at all

I absolutely believe SS can make the wrong call. I also believe that a young, vulnerable mother is more at risk of being labelled as unable to cope than someone older. On the other hand, I have also met a lot of parents who are not truthful about circumstances leading up to their children being removed.

But I don't think it is helpful to anyone to be questioning the OP's narrative. Whatever happened, the past cannot be undone and, however difficult, she needs to come to terms with it, not fixate on contact with her DS. I do realise that that is much easier said than done though.

DH has chosen not to have any contact with his birth father, he knows who he is and he even lives within twenty miles of us, but he says his dad (who legally adopted him as a child) is all he needs, they have a lovely relationship. Finding out who his father was in his twenties turned DH upside down even though he had always known his 'dad' wasn't biologically his parent. So I can't even imagine what that's like as a child, particularly if you feel safe and comfortable with the only family you've ever really known, it must be incredibly unsettling to think your biological parent is seeking contact or pictures of you.
DH ignored the contact his biological father made a few years later and when he contacted me via social media DH asked me to reply and say he is aware of who you are but doesn't wish to pursue a relationship. It's really hard as a child coming to terms with the fact that a biological parent either didn't want to our wasn't able to raise you and care for you when you were so young and vulnerable, the child and their views and needs must take priority in terms of contact.
I have worked in a professional capacity with many women and some men who've had children removed from their care, removal at birth isn't common and whilst some of those women were vulnerable and had no capacity to protect rather than posing a direct risk of harm, it didn't mean the child would be safe left in their care and ultimately that's what it comes down to.

You are an intelligent, articulate woman and from the little I can glean from this thread, I’m inclined to think that you suffered an injustice, as did your child.
Do you have legal representation? If no, please get some, quick sharp.

Back in 2008, I met a lady through school who was facing a similar situation. She was a good mother. Her child’s father was a violent criminal. The child (my son’s best friend, a delightful, loved little girl) was under some sort of protection order (I don’t know the correct terminology) based purely on her, by then absent, father. Her mum, who was under serious threat of having her beloved daughter removed, was fighting tooth and nail.
Various things were going on in our own lives and we had to move away. Bit ashamed to admit, we lost touch but I so often think (and worry) about what the outcome may have been. I hope sense prevailed but reading your post, maybe not.

@Bunnyfuller I aman adoptee, yes. I also have friends who were adopted and siblings who were brought up separately.

@LadyPenelope68 As well as making that clear to the BMs, it is worth bearing in mind that there are number of adoptees out there who did not have good experiences within their adoptive families though, and who will not feel the same way as you. There are many points of view, many different stories and it is easy to tread on toes unwittingly. There are also many different "types" of birth family - some will not have been able to care for children because of mental health or learning difficulties which were not their fault.

I am sure lots will not agree with me but I do not think we should allow adoption, only fostering.

Xenia, you never fail to amaze me.

We've also adopted - we maintain letterbox contact. If it got to the point of SS made a mistake, I love you, siblings love
you we'd cut it to one way - us to them - our child doesn't need to know the full details of their removal yet. They just need to know they are wanted and loved and unfortunately their birth family weren't able
To do so. I will give them every help in the future if they want contact at an age they can process the facts around removal and how peoples lives can move on and change and want to explore that without taking someone else's regret and burden.

The Social Services and Court records could show something very different. Social Services IME bend over backwards to keep children with their birth family. Even when it isn't in the best interest of the child

They may do now. They didn't when there were adoption targets in place. Thank Blair for that. I'm saying this as someone who worked within that system. I knew the cases inside out. I'm not saying that social services don't do good work either. They absolutely do. And sometimes they get it badly badly wrong.

@blueinthesky

If I were to adopt I would want to know exactly what happened to result in the removal of the child and not just from a social workers point of view. Otherwise you could be investing 18 years into a child that could walk out and never look back.

Reading this as someone who bounced in and out of foster care, kinship placements, homelessness and birth mother....

I’m delighted I was never adopted by someone with this frame of mind. How dare you speak about a child as an “investment” who somehow would owe an adoptive parent a duty not to “walk out and never look back”? Children - whether biological or adopted - don’t ask to be born, they have the absolute right as independent adults to live their lives as they see fit with or without contact with their parents and adopted children certainly have no obligation to provide a return on your investment.

It is awful how many people think an adopted child is just a thing or an object, rather than a living breathing child.

There is a poster on the adoption board at the minute who wanted to know if an adopted child would need a bedroom, when discovering that funnily enough they do she/he decided a puppy may be better. So it doesn’t surprise me when someone looks at a child as an investment that must bring a certain return, rather than a human being.

*am an

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Today 20:24 Xenia

I am sure lots will not agree with me but I do not think we should allow adoption, only fostering.”

Why?

I have experience within the ss system both as a child and an adult, and just in the way there are abusive and malicious parents, there are CERTAINLY abusive and malicious social workers.

after recording interactions in my abusive household, I was told by a SW I wouldn't get any help or intervention because she didn't like me and didn't think I had a 'nice enough attitude for a little girl'
I (as an adult) know a social worker who worked to get a child removed from a family because he had a personal gripe against a family, with no evidence of any sort of wrongdoing, he just didn't like them.

I am so so aware there are lovely social workers, I know many myself. but to say the system is always acting in a child's best interests and that there are so many processes in place before removal is just not true 100% of the time, and we're doing a disservice to the children who the system has wronged by doing so

(No criticism, just interested)

@SimonJT I how with every fibre of my being that they are a troll.
However I’d also like to think that someone who’s that much of a dick would never get through the adoption process.

@2021namechanger

Will those who are going on “people they know” please stop. Read the actual posts by people who are actually adopted.

It’s like saying “well the black people I know say they feel like x”.

You realise that comes across as devalidating the experiences of those adoptees who, may not be on the thread, but whose experiences are real and deserve as much respect as anyone else’s?

Why do so many people believe that social services are always beyond reproach with all of their decisions?

I'm not sure that many of us do, and Hepsie made a worthwhile point (thanks for that) about adoption targets.
But even though the concept of targets makes me shudder in the context of peoples' lives, I still can't imagine that SS are going to swoop on families at random to get the numbers up

I hesitated to write it myself, but I'm also with the several posters who noticed that OP wrote extensively about her own feelings, but perhaps not quite so much about the son's.
A mother's feelings are an incredibly powerful thing - and rightly so - but the needs of the children in these sad cases are prioritised for a reason and it's hard to argue with them being put first

Xenia- cruel and unnecessary:
I refer back to my previous comment re people who know NOTHING about adoption and have ZERO experience have most to say. As for advising OP to seek legal representation; that's hardly helpful
I'm out
I shouldn't reply to adoption threads: years later, I really should know better

@Xenia

I am sure lots will not agree with me but I do not think we should allow adoption, only fostering.

Secondly have a very clear and public and all over the place public profile so if the child chooses to contact the birth mother it is easier. Also consider paying for ancestry websites too as people track relatives down on those too.

Public profile is a terrible idea. Long term fostering is also a terrible idea. If, for whatever reason, the birth parents can not care for the child (and no, love is not enough alone), then they should be allowed the chance of a family.

Long term fostering only would be catastrophic for children.

OP I believe you. I hope you manage to find peace, and that your son comes to find you when he’s older.

For those lacking sympathy, imagine this happened to you- OP had done nothing wrong. She asked for help and was denied- this is heartbreaking.

Simon I'm sensing alot of projection in your posts. I can understand why, to an extent, given what you said in an earlier post about your DC' birth parents, but their case could not be more different to mine.

I will reply to the last post of yours I have just read but then I'm not going to read any further ones.

If a parent only starts taking action the child is at the point of removal that is worrying. Someone raising a child should be taking active steps to improve their situation, it shouldn’t need to he suggested by professionals

You are deliberately choosing to ignore parts of my posts that don't suit your narrative.

I was taking 'active steps' as you put it from when I was 13 weeks pregnant when I confided in my midwife that I was being abused.

Social services got involved and instructed us both to take parenting classes together

The abuse ramped up so at 20 weeks pregnant I asked for a private meeting with the social services to ask for their support by way of giving me permission to move 250 miles away from the father

I asked for their input because they were currently assessing me and had made it a requirement that I attend local parenting classes and comply with the assessment.

The social worker told me not to relocate because it will disrupt the assessment

I asked whether they were going to remove my baby, I was told no

I did as I was told and carried on going to the parenting classes, which I had to source myself by the way, and could only find ones tailored to older children which were in no way relevant to a newborn. It was a requirement I attended anyway.

I found out at 36 weeks pregnant they were planning to take me to court and remove him at birth, this was the first I had heard of anything of the sort.

I was stuck there about to give birth

I went into labour soon after.

My son was taken, citing risk of emotional harm (due to father) and my inability to protect him.

I moved into a refuge immediately after he was taken.

At no point did any social worker tell, imply or insinuate that I should leave.

With respect, please stop posting as I'm finding your replies quite upsetting.

Also, I cannot believe that as an adoptive parent you are sitting there saying that if a teenage girl is pregnant and being abused - social services "shouldn't need to suggest they leave" the abuser.

So they should just remove the children of every woman/girl going through domestic abuse then?

Do you know anything about abuse?

OF COURSE victims need support, not least if they're 18 years old and alone with just the abuser.

Nobody, least of all professionals designated to HELP, should suggest victims leave or support them to.

You're talking out of your arse mate.

It's also gutting to see another poster refer to birth mothers as just incubators, rest assured that is exactly how I feel.

Just a fucking incubator, with nothing left of my child beyond the stretchmarks I got when carrying him.

I'm actually glad I have them, as strange as it sounds, it's proof he existed and was mine at one point.

I'm heartened to hear from some lovely adoptive mothers on here though. Thank you for what you do for those children.

“It's nonsensical to say somebody can parent one child but not another.“

You seem to lack insight. A lot can change between one child being removed for adoption and giving birth to another. Being unable to see that is really concerning. Please listen to the host of comments you’ve had saying you would really benefit from getting some help

As for SS and 'targets' the aim of this was to achieve adoption/permanence for children in care not to go round willy-nilly "stealing" children and babies!!!!!!
Good grief 🙄