To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

With all due respect to BMs, the involvement is for you, not for us.

It might well be for some adopted children. And not for others. Everyone's circumstances and feelings are different after all. And even if the ops son is settled and happy, and I'm sure the op hopes he is, it doesn't take away her feelings of her first child being removed from her, and the painful injustice of that.

@OhCaptain

And I do believe it takes a lot for a child to be removed and adopted out.

I don't know - on the one hand you have the Baby P scenario and on the other you have children being removed from their parents because a hospital finds one bruise (in the Sunday Times today). It seems like SS can't do right for doing wrong but sometimes it doesn't seem to take much at all.

@Bunnyfuller

For adoptees, the BM holds a completely different position to the mother. To think of a relationship with someone you only share biology with is tremendously difficult, very conflicting and honestly, is unnecessary. Yes, you have thoughts ‘why didn’t she want me’ but I’ve those thoughts are allayed by clear and honest explanation of the circumstances.

You accept those, and your mum and dad are your mum and dad. There’s a curiosity, but not this ‘emptiness’ of needing blood relatives so many people who weren’t adopted seem to think we have. We’re actually happy to accept the status quo, move on and it is what it is - my parents are my parents.

I’m 53. I found my BM about 10 years ago, and found the overwhelming sense of obligation to ‘forgive’ (I had nothing to forgive - the circumstances are what they were) and the instant assumed intimacy fucked with my head. I have a mum. I don’t need another one.

With all due respect to BMs, the involvement is for you, not for us.

This applies to you, though. Not all adoptees feel or think the same way as you. Adoptees are not one homogenous group who all think and feel the same way. Some adoptees had horrendous experiences within adoptive families.

Also those banging on about “life story work”. That child has two birth parents... should they also hear all about wonderful “dad” who was obviously so violent and dangerous that it made SS seek adoption?

When I see posts like this one, it seems to me that posters who know nothing about the adoption process always have a lot to say. Children are not 'stolen': this myth does not help anyone, birth parents included. The extremely negative comments are very hurtful to adoptive parents who don't adopt for fun, or to steal a child. Most of us care about 'our birth families. We dont feel insecure regarding contact- what a thing to say.
Posters here know nothing about people's circumstances.
My child's birth family were given support, help and many chances but just couldn't manage to be 'good enough (the necessary criteria) Children are not removed from their birth families easily- or on a whim or to supply cute babies for childless couples. Honestly, I've heard it all.
My child knows as much as we do, there are no secrets. The birth family don't want any contact but we do save letters,drawings,photos, handprints and little mementos just in case the BF want them in the future.
Most of us are trying to do our best for hurt, abused and neglected children, often to the detriment of our own families and our own mental health.
I couldn't love my child any more if I'd been the one to give birth to her.
Op, I'm sorry that you are hurting and I hope you can access some help

I was born in 1967. My parents told me the lady whose tummy I grew in couldn’t keep me because of stigma around single mothers in those days. I accepted that. I don’t judge her, it’s sad. But I don’t feel a lack .

Children need love and nurturing in a safe environment. This should never be about the BM, only ever about the child.

@itdepends are you adopted?

Percypetulant - exactly put him first - hardly anything on this thread reflects that. Let it go - put yourself out there and if he wants to at the right time he will come to you. I speak from experience on both sides - my mum gave a baby up reluctantly for adoption when she was 16 - we got in contact when I was 26. His volition - mum put herself out there on every platform possible so he would know instantly we wanted contact but only if he showed an interest. We didn't push onto him and his family relationship.

It's really sad. But people are usually given loads of chances before SS remove a child permanently. And I dont really know if it is in a child's best interest to have letters from their birth mother. It could be very disturbing and cause emotional trauma.

@SimonJT
It isn’t quick at all, how long would you like a child to be denied security? You have to remember there were 21 months between the child being conceived and approved for adoption. If after 21 months isn’t long enough what is?

Can you explain the 21 months to me, please? I think I have misunderstood. Conception to birth = 9 months and then with the foster parent for 6 months then adopted would be 15 months, surely?

Also, Spring was only told at 36 weeks that her son would be taken for adoption and she then had her son two weeks later. So that was pretty quick for her when SS hadn't given her an indication that was going to happen, especially by sending her to parenting classes.

Also those banging on about “life story work”. That child has two birth parents... should they also hear all about wonderful “dad” who was obviously so violent and dangerous that it made SS seek adoption?

Yes of course. And also that the mother wanted help to get away and make a new start, and wasn't supported with that.

Are you an adoptee, @itdepends?

@2021namechanger

Also those banging on about “life story work”. That child has two birth parents... should they also hear all about wonderful “dad” who was obviously so violent and dangerous that it made SS seek adoption?

Children aren’t told anything wonderful, they’re given age approptiate factual information.

@itdepends
I have empathy, but I think people also need to accept and realise that there isn’t always going to be this magical image that many birth parents have that their “child” will want to come and find them. My view is reality for many people, birth “parents” need to realise that is also possibly going to happen.

@AnitaB888

OP, I think that the situation that you describe needs professional advice that is beyond the scope of posters on this thread. Please contact a solicitor that deals with Family Law and raise your concerns with them. Most Law Firms will give half an hours free advice.

I hope you can arrive at a better place.

I can save the OP a trip to a lawyer. She had no rights whatsoever. Her relationship with her son was legally severed when he was adopted. Any letterbox contact is facilitated by the adoptive parents who seem to have great generosity of spirit if the son is addressing the letters to "mummy spring".

@Bunnyfuller

There’s a curiosity, but not this ‘emptiness’ of needing blood relatives so many people who weren’t adopted seem to think we have. We’re actually happy to accept the status quo, move on and it is what it is - my parents are my parents.

I think you can only speak for yourself and the adoptees you know.

I’m not adopted so I can only go on the experiences of the adoptees I know, who all had a sense of lack and a desire to know their birth families. They’re only a tiny sample and I can’t say how representative they are, but I don’t think you can speak for them.

It may come down to personality - some people are happy to accept the status quo whether they’re adopted or not; others are questioners, seekers, who want to explore different life potentialities.

@2021namechanger

Yes, lifestory work includes, in an age appropriate way, the "truth" about birth dads, too. And often birth grandma, birth granddads, who are often the reason birth parents can't parent. Etc. In an age appropriate way. Drip drip drip. So that bit by bit, the child knows their story.

@Hepsie are you adopted?

[quote AnOnly]@SimonJT
It isn’t quick at all, how long would you like a child to be denied security? You have to remember there were 21 months between the child being conceived and approved for adoption. If after 21 months isn’t long enough what is?

Can you explain the 21 months to me, please? I think I have misunderstood. Conception to birth = 9 months and then with the foster parent for 6 months then adopted would be 15 months, surely?

Also, Spring was only told at 36 weeks that her son would be taken for adoption and she then had her son two weeks later. So that was pretty quick for her when SS hadn't given her an indication that was going to happen, especially by sending her to parenting classes.[/quote]
Sorry, that was a huge maths fail.

If a parent only starts taking action the child is at the point of removal that is worrying. Someone raising a child should be taking active steps to improve their situation, it shouldn’t need to he suggested by professionals.

Will those who are going on “people they know” please stop. Read the actual posts by people who are actually adopted.

It’s like saying “well the black people I know say they feel like x”.

I just want to say I'm hearing you and this must be incredibly hard. Having been a teen mum and in an abusive relationship I do know how hard it can be. I have never had Ss involvement but I have been to family court and been utterly failed by the system and no, I do not believe they put my child first, 100% not. So I know not everything is always fair and uts increased to navigate. I know nothing of ss or adoption though and I know its far more complex than I can imagine.

I guess because he is adopted that you no longer have parental responsibility? Which means things like keeping photos etc is a whole different ball game.

It sounds very hard for you.

And also that the mother wanted help to get away and make a new start, and wasn't supported with that

The Social Services and Court records could show something very different. Social Services IME bend over backwards to keep children with their birth family. Even when it isn't in the best interest of the child.

@TatianaBis

Retaining a good relationship with your adoptive family very much depends on the adoptee never finding out that the narrative of their adoption, how the adoptive parents explained it, is untrue.

I was told that my teenaged mother loved me very much but was unable to take care of me... I have heard much the same story told to adoptees that I know. It was entirely correct in my case ( I was provided extensive evidence as a tween and later).

But if the real story is... your birth mother loved you very much, and also you have these siblings we never mentioned, oh and she has been trying like hell to get to know you for years, and it looks like social sevices royally messed up... and we knew all of that, but never told you...

That's a very different story. And I would likely have taken the deception very badly indeed.

(Obviously none of us know what OP's son has been told. )

I am sure lots will not agree with me but I do not think we should allow adoption, only fostering.

Secondly have a very clear and public and all over the place public profile so if the child chooses to contact the birth mother it is easier. Also consider paying for ancestry websites too as people track relatives down on those too.

@Xenia sorry are you suggesting I should have grown up in foster care rather than a lovely home?

Seriously?