Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

aibu to feel resentment, even though its my fault

51 replies

Zephyrsfriend · 21/02/2021 10:20

hi there I've nc for this as it's intimate.
I really resent my husband and I think I'm in the wrong, like stuck. I have a history of sa as a child (not continuous, just a few times) and had quite a neglectful upbringing, dad leant on me too much emotionally when mum left.
I have had counselling for this and am waiting for me (nhs so mixed results, can't afford better.)

I feel so resentful of my dh though. I'm unable to say what's me and what's him.

its a few things really, I asked him to treat a chest of drawers more gently as its a sentimental antique and he immediately went on about how my clothes are always hanging out of mine. weird as they weren't.
last week we were sitting on the sofa and I picked up the paper to finish an article and he said "I though we were chatting!!" I chatted a bit more then read, and he said "right you're just being a c*nt then". charming.

I pretend to be asleep in the morning so I dont have to talk to him, his voice is booming. ditto in the evenings i try and avoid the danger of intimacy.

he works really long hours. he is a great dad but less so to the dd. he isnt very good at expressing his emotions and his harder on her than ds's.
I feel physiological distress when he touches me unless I am drunk (I am cutting down massively on alcohol as part of a new self care effort)
so aibu to not know,,, how much of our problem is him and how much is me? I feel like a terrible person towards him.
has anyone else had similar experiences, any insights?
what do I do about it?

tia

OP posts:

Original poster

Zephyrsfriend · 21/02/2021 10:21

sorry that should have said I am waiting for more counselling

OP posts:

OrigamiOwl · 21/02/2021 10:28

I don't think it really matters how much of the problems are yours and how much are his. The whole situation sounds like a problem.
You need to decide what it best for you.
You also need to decide whether this seems like the correct environment to be bringing children up in... Is this the sort of relationship you want your children to model in later life?

billy1966 · 21/02/2021 10:37

Well the fact that he uses suchba foul word in his speech to you tells a lot.

He sounds loud, rough and uncouth.

He picks on your daughter?
What are YOU doing about that?
You need to protect your child.

It reads that you don't like him, don't want to be around him and you need alcohol for him to touch you.

It doesn't sound great.
The fact that he is so vile in his speech is key.
Does he use that language around his children?
You sound unhappy with every reason to be.

user18467425798532 · 21/02/2021 10:58

I'm not sure how you worked out his abhorrent behaviour is your fault? Other than that your past trauma means you automatically blame yourself as a survival mechanism ("if it's my fault, I deserve it, it's not so bad and I'm in control").

If he is treating your daughter badly she deserves to be protected.

Original poster

Zephyrsfriend · 21/02/2021 11:05

no he doesn't use that language around the kids. he was actually drinking heavily that night. I think as I have decreased dramatically he will too. hopefully this will temper the language. but boy are drink people boring!!

I recently laid down the law that shouting around the kids is unacceptable, especially due to lockdown situation. I said he needs to go away of he needs to shout. that's got better.

he is a bit uncouth and entitled. this is how he is, and always had been. there are loads of good bits to him too, like sense of duty, clever, fun, unselfish (kind of) .
I married him knowing what he was like and because of my issues felt he was a safe haven. now I don't know how to behave in this relationship and I think my "primary bond" was with my dad as he leant on me as an adolescent when mum left. this has distorted my perception of what its reasonable to expect. eg dh does nearly all the finances so thats a lack of responsibility on my part, like a child.

I've changed since df's death and feel so hemmed in, ( I know, we all feel like that right now on lockdown).
I retracted after df death and looked elsewhere for comfort, an ex who luckily lives abroad so nothing happened. its like my true emotions would rock the marriage boat so much i can't express them.
I think I am expecting too much from a marriage maybe?
what's normal?

OP posts:

Jiggyjiggyjabjab · 21/02/2021 11:08

I think you need to leave. The danger of intimacy you refer to means you are living on constant high alert- i know what this is like.

You need to be alone, so you can breathe.

⚘

Candyfloss99 · 21/02/2021 11:09

Your marriage sounds extremely unhealthy but it doesn't matter whose problem it is. You need to fix it or leave it. It doesn't sound like there is much hope of fixing it if you can't talk about your feelings to your husband.

harknesswitch · 21/02/2021 11:12

I'm sorry op but if my dh called me a cunt that would be the end of the relationship for me. It all sounds a bit toxic tbh.

Original poster

Zephyrsfriend · 21/02/2021 11:14

its easy to say leave! I can say categorically this goes against dna, I was ripped apart by my parents' divorce.

maybe I have a way to go on my personal journey. but leaving would destroy the kids and him and probably me.
I think maybe just learning to suck it up in a bearable way? quite apart from being shit scared of going it alone, not all of this is his fault, I have enabled his behaviour for years due to my own issues.

maybe I should get my head out of my arse and get a full time job or something

OP posts:

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 21/02/2021 11:26

I agree with pp who said - it doesn't really matter where the problem lies.

You're unhappy, on edge and starting to adjust your normal behaviour to keep peace. That's not healthy.

Maybe you need a break from him. Again, maybe it's not his "fault" but that doesn't mean you should stay unhappy. Would he understand if you had a good chat with him and explained? It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety atm and that can't be maintained long term.

AmberItsACertainty · 21/02/2021 11:30

You're incompatible and should split. Maybe he was right for you once, but he's not now.

Thinking he'll cut down his drinking because you have is deluded too. All these "heavy drinkers" are functional alcoholics by another name. Well done in sorting yourself out on that score. But you're the one changing (growing up?) what makes you think he's changing too, and in the same way you are?

Just because you stood up to his bad behaviour and he reduced a small part of it, the shouting around the children? You don't know that change is permanent, it probably isn't, and why did you have to demand that change? A good father and partner wouldn't be behaving like that in the first place. He hasn't even stopped shouting at you around them completely from your post, sounds like he's reduced it.

He could be the most perfect, nicest (he's neither!) person in the world, but if you're not interested in him sexually then you're incompatible.

He also sounds like a gaslighting wanker the way he twists everything round to make it so you're the one in the wrong, even to the extent of lying about things like the clothes in the drawer.

You sound scared of him. I don't think this is because of your problems, I think it's because he's showing signs of not being such a great person and you're subconsciously recognising that.

Original poster

Zephyrsfriend · 21/02/2021 11:32

yes I feel emotionally dead and detached from him
but...how on earth does anyone keep a marriage going for 50 years? 60? we haven't made nearly that long.

my role models are dreadful BTW. just interested in what others' marriages are/ were really like.

when you have kids its so much harder to leave.
I have realised that even my marriage has become a model for another family member. she ignores/manages her husband and lives for her career and kids.

but yes, I need to talk to him and reconnect somehow.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zephyrsfriend · 21/02/2021 11:35

@AmberItsACertainty thanks i have now read your post, was posting myself at the same time.

its so easy though just to type ltb. its food for thought though, thanks for your time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zephyrsfriend · 21/02/2021 11:38

posting here is like therapy, speaking of which I am surprised no one has suggested going to Relate.

I would advise myself to do that before chucking a longish marriage, no?

I need to take my own advice!

OP posts:

Candyfloss99 · 21/02/2021 12:37

@Zephyrsfriend

yes I feel emotionally dead and detached from him but...how on earth does anyone keep a marriage going for 50 years? 60? we haven't made nearly that long.

my role models are dreadful BTW. just interested in what others' marriages are/ were really like.

when you have kids its so much harder to leave.
I have realised that even my marriage has become a model for another family member. she ignores/manages her husband and lives for her career and kids.

but yes, I need to talk to him and reconnect somehow.

They keep a marriage going for 60 years because the two people in it love and respect each other. If you don't then you split.

SparklingLime · 21/02/2021 12:44

No one with any insight is going to suggest Relate (or any couples counselling) for an abusive relationship. It sounds like an abusive relationship. I’ve found this thread very uncomfortable to read, OP, especially your attempts to normalise and downplay it.

Cpl1586407 · 21/02/2021 12:47

Your H sounds like a total dick speaking to you like that. Please don't minimise the abuse you suffered as a child, "just a few times" - even just one time is not ok. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Candyfloss99 · 21/02/2021 13:08

@Zephyrsfriend

posting here is like therapy, speaking of which I am surprised no one has suggested going to Relate.

I would advise myself to do that before chucking a longish marriage, no?

I need to take my own advice!

No you don't need to take your own advice. You don't go to councilling when abusive is involved. You just leave.

BonnieDundee · 21/02/2021 13:23

If he needs to be told about shouting/bad language around the kids and favours one over the other, he is NOT a good dad.

If you behaved exactly as he did would you consider yourself a good mum?

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2021 13:23

Think about your future, do you want me to be stuck with him for the next 30/40 years? Do you want your dc to see your relationship as their template for their futures? I cannot imagine how hard it will be, but I don’t think your future lies with him.

Original poster

Zephyrsfriend · 21/02/2021 14:16

yes my childhood was dysfunctional in so many ways. the sa was just one other thing in the mix. but you can't go back and change it, only how you view it.
I chose dh on the basis of love and security. its amazing now not to have to worry about food or where to live.
but this past has made me realise I've enabled dh's bad behaviour. I put up with some sex i didnt like (i pretended I did so he didn't have to get emotionally close to me).
its only now I'm less ignorant and maturing and facing up to things since df died that I realise so many of my decisions were based on a faulty premise, but what do I do now?
it wouldn't be fair to leave and mess up a heap of lives.
does anyone feel 100% happy 100% of the time?
I push dh away because of past trauma, he is unknowingly living a lie too.
not all the time though, I picked out the worst examples. I just wonder how others' marriages work as I literally don't know what's normal.
he's not my therapist...
sorry if I seem resistent. I think I expect too much from life.
today he took dd to excercise with a friend while he shopped for lunch which he has cooked for example.

OP posts:

rosiejaune · 21/02/2021 15:02

It wasn't your parents' divorce that destroyed you. It was their bad relationship, which they would have had whether they stayed together or not.

You also have a bad relationship, which is going to impact on your children. You can choose to make the separation process as easy as possible on them from your side at least (e.g. by not putting them in the middle), regardless of how your partner behaves.

And then do your best as a single parent to support their wellbeing, again, regardless of how he parents afterwards.

That's the least bad option in a situation like this.

billy1966 · 21/02/2021 15:26

OP,
You will decide what is best for you and how much YOU can bear.

Your children are stuck with a vulgar, rough father....clearly no prize because decent men don't use language like that so casually to anyone, least of all their wives.
It screams derision and disrespect.

However, your daughter is treated harshly by him.

You need to own that YOU allowingbthat is very wrong.

If you allow that to continue, your daughter will judge YOU harshly and you will totally deserve it.

So to be clear, spend your time pondering YOUR situation all you like BUT sort him out regarding your daughter, because if you don't, you are no better than him.

Apologies for the harsh words but you need to buck up if he is as rough with your daughter as he is with you.

Sparklesocks · 21/02/2021 15:36

You’ve got to decide what is best for you OP and it’s completely understandable that you want to work on your marriage to move past this.

But you do sound very unhappy in your posts. Wanting to be happy and not treading on eggshells is expecting too much from life, it’s exactly what you should expect.

combatbarbie · 21/02/2021 15:46

Hmm it sounds like you have the "ick" effect. When someone grates on you it's the sub conscious telling you that it isn't meant to be. Has something happened that have started these feelings? Has it stemmed from DF death? Does DH remind you of DF? Was DH not emotionally supportive?

You say your parents divorce wasn't good but that's not to say your children will go through the same. I firmly believe that you should never stay for the sake of children. If he doesn't make you happy then it's not fair to either of you to continue.

Flip

1 2 3