aibu to feel resentment, even though its my fault

[Zephyrsfriend]

hi there I've nc for this as it's intimate.
I really resent my husband and I think I'm in the wrong, like stuck. I have a history of sa as a child (not continuous, just a few times) and had quite a neglectful upbringing, dad leant on me too much emotionally when mum left.
I have had counselling for this and am waiting for me (nhs so mixed results, can't afford better.)

I feel so resentful of my dh though. I'm unable to say what's me and what's him.

its a few things really, I asked him to treat a chest of drawers more gently as its a sentimental antique and he immediately went on about how my clothes are always hanging out of mine. weird as they weren't.
last week we were sitting on the sofa and I picked up the paper to finish an article and he said "I though we were chatting!!" I chatted a bit more then read, and he said "right you're just being a c*nt then". charming.

I pretend to be asleep in the morning so I dont have to talk to him, his voice is booming. ditto in the evenings i try and avoid the danger of intimacy.

he works really long hours. he is a great dad but less so to the dd. he isnt very good at expressing his emotions and his harder on her than ds's.
I feel physiological distress when he touches me unless I am drunk (I am cutting down massively on alcohol as part of a new self care effort)
so aibu to not know,,, how much of our problem is him and how much is me? I feel like a terrible person towards him.
has anyone else had similar experiences, any insights?
what do I do about it?

tia

the replies saying ltb are not landing. they may be true in the future but for 1 insult and some shouty behaviour I would not ltb, imo strange advice for someone who hasn't worked out her past. ltb trips off the tongue and is so mucheasier said than done.

...and I need to do some thinking but I don't think mn is right

This isn’t just one insult and some shouty behaviour, OP.

If you looked at the sex you are having with blinkers and alcohol removed, I’d guess you would feel very uncomfortable.

Are you able to have a normal conversation with him?

Could you raise the issue of him treating your daughter differently? Ask him if he's aware? As a starting point.

I can see why people are saying ltb. If you cant improve things, can you make a long term plan of how to leave.

No one is happy 100% of the time. Ime. There is a balance. It doesnt sound like you're anywhere near it.

yeah it's a tricky one, I think the issues are with me, with him, and how we are are together.

I avoid spending time with him but then again we are together a LOT. I think he's being totally reasonable most of the time but sometimes I literally feel I dont want him in the same room as me, wtf.
I think this is more connected to my past than to his behaviour, or I have been pretending for so long and hiding genuine feelings that the resentment builds up.

I'm not much of a person I guess. I've made my bed etc.

I will try the therapy and do a lot of thinking in the mean time, you can't just rock up to therapy and expect it to work imo.

its possible I have brought his behaviour on myself which I know is victim mentality but I have been shutting him out for so long and would love to learn how to love.
thanks for all the replies x

OP - only you know the situation. People saying "leave" do it regularly and casually on this board without knowing anything about your partner or your marriage.

My parents have been married for 43 years and are the 'perfect' partnership (in my eyes) because they are best friends and completely on the same wave length and literally would prefer to spend time with each other 24/7 over anyone else. HOWEVER that does not mean that they don't fight or that my dad (who is still the best man and father I have ever met) doesn't shout or use bad language. He's highly intellectual and lovely, kind, generous etc. but has a foul mouth. That does not mean my mum (who doesn't swear, but can be passive aggressive) should LTB. I grew up in a very happy home with the most amazing parents who would do anything for me and my brother, but it wasn't a quiet household. So people telling you to leave literally know nothing of your situation or your partner or your kids.

If you want to make the marriage work, go to couples counselling.

@XelaM thank you - I have some options given to me on here. your parents relationship sounds lovely! lucky (and skilful) them x

OP I'm going to have to delete my account after this because I'm going to get slaughtered but i dont mean this unkindly.

You come across as a little too interested in reflecting on yourself and your history and how this all fits into a complex picture but the reality own your OH is A bit if a cock and you're spending too much time analysing and justifying why actually you should stay. If you want to stay then do. But this isn't a healthy set up for children and if you don't actually DO something about it, like really actually take some action instead of thinking and reasoning and reflecting and trying to make the best possible choice which leads to inaction etc etc then you are continuing to role model a shitty set up for your kids and your children, especially your daughter, are going to grow up feeling resentful of you both and your parenting, the same way you feel, to a degree.

Stop talking, start acting would be my advice x

You are not responsible for his behaviour and you cant fix it.

But if communication has broken down between you it's going to be very hard to fix or even improve things.

@An0n0n0n I agree. Less introspection and more action. It's now that matters. And the future. What do you want?

(OP, you are only going to get advice to ltb because that's all people on mumsnet know how to do. As the old saying goes, if all you have is a hammer, all you see are nails. Most of mumsnet just bounces from one abusive relationship to the other so the only thing they know how to do is leave. They have no actual marriage skills.)

So let's start with an actual attempt to improve your marriage. Firstly, I don't think your husband sounds abusive at all. I don't think he sounds like a terrible person either. I think he grates on you because he doesn't know you and you don't really know him. Because of your abuse, you've basically pretended your entire marriage. You've pretended to enjoy sex, you've pretended to like him and his behaviour because it seemed safer than being in a real relationship where there was a chance of being hurt. Now you are sick of pretending but you aren't sure if you are actually incompatible with him or if fake you is incompatible with him. Right?

You want to be real with him but you don't know how?

Well, firstly, stop blaming yourself. Mental stress and trauma is as real as physical injury. You couldn't run on a broken leg. You did the absolute best you did in building a marriage with so much trauma in your life.

Secondly, don't rush into anything. The idea that you should stop thinking and take "action" is laughably stupid. Isn't that what you did your entire life? Instead of healing, you got married. Now you finally have the time to get to know yourself, to read, do therapy and these lunkheads on mumsnet want you to do what? Get divorced. LOL. The whole point is that now you finally have time to think about what you truly want. Leaving your DH means you can spend the next few years of your life managing the divorce, then your children's feelings, then the instability. You will never have time to heal. EVER. I would do everything you can do to heal YOURSELF before leaving. If your DH is sabotaging or stopping you, great, then leave. But otherwise divorce is traumatic and hard and it won't improve your life.

Third, be honest with him. I would sit down and tell him the truth. The abuse took a terrible toll on you and you realise that you need more help to come to terms with it. Tell him you love him but you need to heal. Take sex off the table for now. Don't say forever but say that it's truthfully bringing up flashbacks of childhood abuse and you need some therapy and time to deal with that. And then take that time.

Then finally, I would do some self discovery. There are great youtube and book series out there. Begin to journal, do some physical things like yoga or meditation. Be proud of the journey you are going on. What you are doing is so hard and so impressive. You have survived but now it's time to thrive. It's time to heal and actually live.

Your marriage may not survive change but you'll be in a much stronger position to walk out, both financially and psychologically, if you slow right down and do it the right way.

@An0n0n0n

I agree.
The OP can definitely reflect and reflect a little more...

But she needs to protect her daughter that is being picked on and being harshly disciplined by her rough husban who feels so comfortable calling his wife the C word.

🙄🙄🙄

@hereyehearye thank you so much you absolutely nailed it. maybe I should have married you instead!!

great minds - I am doing mediation and yoga, and the drinking much less will help- this year I will tell the truth to myself! i think journaling sounds a great idea.

just need to tell truth to husband too.
I know ltb is such easy advice to dish out. other pps thanks to you too for taking the time, I am not there yet, i need to make sure my judgement is level headed before any decisions get taken. the c word was a first and he has begun doing more with dd after a chat. the potential is there on his side, i need to work out whether its there on mine on a deeper level.

Jesus, talk about only replying to the one person who enables you to basically stay as you are, with more navel-gazing instead of real change. Poor kids.

LTB is easy to say, that doesn't mean it is always incorrect advice.
You need to face up to your past and your present.
You are in a bad situation. I don't know if you should leave or not because I don't know you or your situation well enough. But....if you want to leave but feel you can't because of how it will blow up everyone else's life you are wrong. You have a choice. You always have a choice, whether you exercise it or not is up to you. If you want to leave you absolutely can and should.
If your relationship is bad and should end then your kids won't thank you for staying. Most likely they will wish you had ended it.
But if you do decide to end it people will get over it.
Also you can mitigate the effect on the kids a lot by how you behave. If you split amicably and co-parent well apart that's better than the kids living in a permanent weird atmosphere. Not all divorces are like your parents. It's not automatic that kids will be messed up.
What matters now is therapy for you and protecting your daughter from her dad by tackling his behaviour towards her.
You keep saying you wonder what is normal. Clearly you had a very dysfunctional upbringing which has affected you very badly.
It's not normal to feel revulsion when your partner touches you and to need to be blind drunk to allow it. It's not normal to avoid spending time with your partner. It's not normal for a parent to constantly pick on their child.
Please get help and sort out what you want. Then take a deep breath and do what needs to be done. Whatever that is.
I really feel for you and I think you need to sort yourself out but I think you are missing the point that if you chose your partner for the wrong (but understandable) reasons then no amount of therapy and reflection is going to make the relationship right.
I don't know enough about your partner to judge him but it's not fair to him to pretend either. If he knew how you really feel do you think he would want to carry on like this?
I wish you all the best and hope that you can work all of this out.

@Zephyrsfriend hahaha! Well, if I get sick of my DH, I'll be hitting you up! Seriously though, I'm glad you found my advice helpful and I totally understand where you are coming from. I could feel your frustration because people aren't really listening to you, just insisting you ltb.

You are doing 100% the right thing btw. It sounds counterproductive but you really do need to focus on yourself right now. Establish some space with your DH and get some breathing room to focus on you. Don't worry about compatibility, worry about feeling good in yourself.

The most important thing is to agree with your DH that sex is off the table. You are not going to be able to relax until it is and any future you have with your DH depends on you letting your guard down. So the truth is more hurtful in the short run, but more loving in the long run.

once again, thank you @hereyehearye

@aahotep thank you too i really appreciate your input. @sparklinglime sorry if you feel i was wasting yours and others time, nothing personal, the advice from others in this case spoke to me more as it corresponds to where I feel i am atm, i cant expect people to get that from a few posts, for others, ltb might have been right.

going back to my "real" username now and wont post anymore on here. thread closed!

I couldn’t respect my dh if he called me a cunt. Irrespective of all the other stuff. Treating your dd differently sounds worrying. In what way does her treat her differently to your ds?

He says one rude word and he's abusive? Has anyone stopped to think about his experience of this marriage? His wife can't stand him and does everything possible to ignore him and stay away from him. She can't even sustain a conversation without picking up a newspaper and starting to read it, while he is talking to her!

Jesus, talk about blinkered one-sided answers!

Your poor children, especially your dd, having to live like this.

You can't bear to sleep with him,he's a heavy drinker & is too hard on one child & he's shouting & using vile language. Staying is not going to do you or your children any good. Children model & copy the behaviours they see ,it becomes their norm & sets the template for behaviour in their adult life. Do you want them to think this is what a relationship is? You can't hide this level of unhappiness from children,they pick up on mood & atmospheres & that translates into things like acting out,withdrawing or just getting clingy & insecure. It sounds like you went for security over love,but are realising what came with it is not good. You would survive if you left ,there is help via benefits etc. Other women have done it,you can too.

The day my husband calls me a cunt is the day my marriage is over

So what does your DH say about all the issues you've listed above ?????????

I can guess the answer - nothing because you won't have explained anything to him , he sounds a dislikeable person but can he change? Would he want to change? Was he always like this?
Ltb is probably the easiest answer because you and he don't know how to discuss things or open up about your feelings.

It's pointless posting if you don't intend to do anything
You could start by arranging to talk once DCs are in bed, take turns, no one can leave the room , no one can talk over the other.
If he becomes angry and threatening you will have your answer as to what to do.

@Zephyrsfriend, you've mentioned your dad's death a couple of times. How recently was this?

Calling someone a cunt is horrible, but some people bandy it about much more easily than others. I think it is the worst swear word ever; I never use it, but maybe op’s dh uses it as others would use eg. Shit.