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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying w MIL and wife work

103 replies

ChangeNameTiredAF · 20/02/2021 12:13

DH mum is in our bubble, but lives a few hours away in a rural location. He’s worried she’s quite lonely and has proposed we go and stay with her for a couple of weeks with the children age 7 and 5. Kids delighted as they love her massive garden and dogs and are bored of same scenery every day at home.

DH would work while we are there, fine, but his hours are long and we wouldn’t see him from 7am-gone 8pm. My work is freelance and to and extent I can pick and choose my hours, so organising homeschooling inevitably falls on me. That works OK at home as I have p/t childcare which keeps things ticking over.

How will I get any work done at MIL’s? I ask him. He says: MIL can do homeschool for 3 days a week. But she is not IT literate and I know I’d be called to help every 5 minutes when someone can’t logon or someone doesn’t know where the assignment has been posted etc etc. And there would be the inevitable showing her how it all works, timetable and getting her used to it, which would take ages anyway.

Ok, he says, organise some p/t emergency childcare at MILs (our nanny can’t travel). Apparently that’s simple. Even IF we could find someone in a rural location at late notice happy to do the hours needed in middle of pandemic, organising said nanny inevitably would fall on me and there are always early teething troubles.

Fine, he says, just take some time off. I could, it’s not a big deal, but I have just taken the whole of half term off to spend some proper time with kids! No, we don’t need the income my work brings but I like my job and it’s important to me.

This is before we’ve even get to the fact that it’s ME who would have to pack up two weeks’ worth of homeschool books, laptops etc etc and clothes for the kids. Organise an online shop so they/we have all the food we need and everything else you need to think of when packing up your life for 2 weeks. Apparently none of this is ‘that hard’ to sort. Like fuck it isn’t!!

everything ticks along nicely at home with this arrangement with me doing to bulk of the childcare/school stuff, when I am not working, and organising the nanny when I am, but AIBU in thinking this level of wife work is taking the piss?

OP posts:
Redissuereader · 20/02/2021 12:15

Why can’t MIL just come to stay with you instead?

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 20/02/2021 12:22

Wouldnt it be easier for your MiL to come and stay for a bit. Or him to take holiday and actually spend some quality time with his mum and children and do his share of home schooling.

I think I'd be saying no, you've had your holiday and will be working. This is something that he wants to do so he has to organise annual leave, or do half the home schooling like a lot of working parents, or arrange childcare.

ThePlantsitter · 20/02/2021 12:22

DH needs to a) take holiday or b) sort out the childcare before you go or c) take the kids without you and deal with it all himself.

Stand firm.

Original poster
ChangeNameTiredAF · 20/02/2021 12:22

We don’t have the room or the beds

OP posts:
FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 20/02/2021 12:23

He cant have it both ways. If it's a pain to sort then he should be not creating you extra work without doing his share. And if it's easy to sort well then he can do it in his lunch break can't he

Dozer · 20/02/2021 12:26

YANBU not to want to go. If your H is unwilling to take time off work you could all go for the weekend and/or he could visit his mother for longer alpne.

Clearly your set up does NOT actually work when at home, eg your H seemingly has little regard for your time and paid work and is unwilling to share parenting/domestic work. His dismissiveness of what this involves suggests entitlement and lack of respect.

YABU to say you ‘don’t need’ your personal income - you (and the DC) very much would in a number of likely scenarios.

Moltenpink · 20/02/2021 12:26

He should take the time off.

LuaDipa · 20/02/2021 12:28

Dh sounds very selfish. If it’s easy to sort just let him do it. I wouldn’t be rushing to organise any trip that would inconvenience me to this extent. He needs to take some time off.

Original poster
ChangeNameTiredAF · 20/02/2021 12:36

He’s not normally like this and things really do work well at home for all of us. I do more with kids in week because I have the time. He does his share of housework, cooking etc in evenings. DIY too. Is always with kids at weekend and makes sure I get hours to myself and a lie in. It’s not the norm for the balance to feel so off, but I just don’t think he has considered the extra work involved in uprooting for two weeks.

OP posts:
Rainyday4321 · 20/02/2021 12:56

‘Sounds great DH. Crack on and let me know when it’s organised. I’ll have my suitcase ready.’

Should do the trick. 😂

PeterPandemic · 20/02/2021 13:06

@Rainyday4321

‘Sounds great DH. Crack on and let me know when it’s organised. I’ll have my suitcase ready.’

Should do the trick. 😂

This.

He could always go up by himself.

Outbutnotoutout · 20/02/2021 13:14

Everytime he bounces a ball at you, bounce it right back.

Him. MIL could homeschooling
You. Great, you can show her the ropes and get her started

Him.You could take some time off
You. Yes, or you could, great idea

Him. We need to go for 2 weeks
You. Right I will leave you to pack up the kids and your stuff

Cherrysoup · 20/02/2021 14:57

How about he takes a week off and does all the homeschooling/childcare, given they’re his kids too? Then you could take off the other week.

As long as he organises the whole shebang, then fine, let him crack on.

NicEv · 20/02/2021 14:59

I think I am an outlier on this one!

His mum probably is really isolated. It’s only two weeks. I would just go - forget the homeschooling for a couple of weeks and let the kids spend time with their gran. Ask her in advance to think up some activities to do with them - hard to suggest what as we doing know the age of the kids but things like baking, making an afternoon tea, a sports day in the big garden , a card tournament or day of board games etc

Then you can work while they spend time with their gran. Two weeks worth of shopping isn’t a huge deal (surely you have to shop at home?) and if you work with your husband to agree how you will split the packing and shopping between you it shouldn’t be too onerous

I think at the moment family is really important , and your kids would probably really benefit from getting away from home and spending time with their gran. So I would just go with it personally

BlueTimes · 20/02/2021 15:01

Why don’t you go over Easter when homeschooling isn’t an issue?

2021vision · 20/02/2021 15:19

From your OP he just seems to be expecting you to make all sacrifices/changes - you have 2 weeks off, you do all the packing, you show is mother the ropes. It's always women who have to do all this kind of thing and it's not on. I would tell him that it's great he thinks it's that easy as he can crack on. The problem is we all know that it'll be half a job and the children won't have half the stuff they need. Many men seem to very good about how other people use their time. Does he even know that his mother would be keen to homeschool?!

It sounds like a good idea however I think you need to just stand there and say 'ok what needs doing' and make it clear to him that he is in charge whilst you are there and any problems will be directed to him.

BrumBoo · 20/02/2021 16:08

@Outbutnotoutout

Everytime he bounces a ball at you, bounce it right back.

Him. MIL could homeschooling
You. Great, you can show her the ropes and get her started

Him.You could take some time off
You. Yes, or you could, great idea

Him. We need to go for 2 weeks
You. Right I will leave you to pack up the kids and your stuff

I agree with this. Make it clear that if this is what he wants, he has to sort it.

I'd also tell him it's pretty fucking presumptuous of him to think his mother wants visitors for 2 weeks, or to play host to two people working all the time whilst she gets the 'privilege' of playing babysitter/teacher. Does he think the women in his life are only there to make sure things tick along so he can work?

Devlesko · 20/02/2021 16:15

I don't see the problem tbh.
Just tell him to let you know when he has actually sorted it all out and he appreciates he'll be the one taking the interuptions.
Why do some men volunteer their wives like this?
I'm sure we're going backwards in terms of setting a decent bar.

JackieWeaverFever · 20/02/2021 16:17

@Rainyday4321

‘Sounds great DH. Crack on and let me know when it’s organised. I’ll have my suitcase ready.’

Should do the trick. 😂

This in spades...

Tack on to the end "just don't forget when we go you will need a, b, c and d and e.
Oh and f....and g too" Grin

notanothertakeaway · 20/02/2021 16:25

@NicEv

I think I am an outlier on this one!

His mum probably is really isolated. It’s only two weeks. I would just go - forget the homeschooling for a couple of weeks and let the kids spend time with their gran. Ask her in advance to think up some activities to do with them - hard to suggest what as we doing know the age of the kids but things like baking, making an afternoon tea, a sports day in the big garden , a card tournament or day of board games etc

Then you can work while they spend time with their gran. Two weeks worth of shopping isn’t a huge deal (surely you have to shop at home?) and if you work with your husband to agree how you will split the packing and shopping between you it shouldn’t be too onerous

I think at the moment family is really important , and your kids would probably really benefit from getting away from home and spending time with their gran. So I would just go with it personally

I agree

Your kids are 5 and 7. Surely they can do some reading, writing, Arithmetic with Granny? And puzzles / word searches? And quizzes? And watch some BBC Bitesize or similar?

billy1966 · 20/02/2021 16:25

I agree, bounce it right back at him, that it can happen if he organises it and sets up the home schooling and take some early days off to get it set up.

He sounds very dismissive of your job.
That needs correcting.

He can't be as involved as you say if he doesn't think this involves a look or organising from your end.

Could he visit his mother and work from there a day or two?

2bazookas · 20/02/2021 16:25

Why doesn't he take the kids to visit his DM overnight at weekends. She gets company, you have some time to yourself, DH gets some valuable experience of parenting.

notanothertakeaway · 20/02/2021 16:27

And they won't need special clothes. Presumably you can do laundry at MIL's house

And she has food shops nearby?

If you don't want to go, that's fine, but I feel you're making it sound harder than it needs to be

BrumBoo · 20/02/2021 16:33

Ask her in advance to think up some activities to do with them - hard to suggest what as we doing know the age of the kids but things like baking, making an afternoon tea, a sports day in the big garden , a card tournament or day of board games etc

Again, this is nice - for an afternoon! Two weeks as a replacement nanny, with constant activities whilst the parents work? That's unfair and a rude expectation under the pretence of 'keeping granny entertained'.

pinkyredrose · 20/02/2021 16:34

Could your kids bunk up together and she stay with you? I'm a bit Hmm at him volunteering Mil to do homeschooling.