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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Staying w MIL and wife work

103 replies

ChangeNameTiredAF · 20/02/2021 12:13

DH mum is in our bubble, but lives a few hours away in a rural location. He’s worried she’s quite lonely and has proposed we go and stay with her for a couple of weeks with the children age 7 and 5. Kids delighted as they love her massive garden and dogs and are bored of same scenery every day at home.

DH would work while we are there, fine, but his hours are long and we wouldn’t see him from 7am-gone 8pm. My work is freelance and to and extent I can pick and choose my hours, so organising homeschooling inevitably falls on me. That works OK at home as I have p/t childcare which keeps things ticking over.

How will I get any work done at MIL’s? I ask him. He says: MIL can do homeschool for 3 days a week. But she is not IT literate and I know I’d be called to help every 5 minutes when someone can’t logon or someone doesn’t know where the assignment has been posted etc etc. And there would be the inevitable showing her how it all works, timetable and getting her used to it, which would take ages anyway.

Ok, he says, organise some p/t emergency childcare at MILs (our nanny can’t travel). Apparently that’s simple. Even IF we could find someone in a rural location at late notice happy to do the hours needed in middle of pandemic, organising said nanny inevitably would fall on me and there are always early teething troubles.

Fine, he says, just take some time off. I could, it’s not a big deal, but I have just taken the whole of half term off to spend some proper time with kids! No, we don’t need the income my work brings but I like my job and it’s important to me.

This is before we’ve even get to the fact that it’s ME who would have to pack up two weeks’ worth of homeschool books, laptops etc etc and clothes for the kids. Organise an online shop so they/we have all the food we need and everything else you need to think of when packing up your life for 2 weeks. Apparently none of this is ‘that hard’ to sort. Like fuck it isn’t!!

everything ticks along nicely at home with this arrangement with me doing to bulk of the childcare/school stuff, when I am not working, and organising the nanny when I am, but AIBU in thinking this level of wife work is taking the piss?

OP posts:

Winter2020 · 20/02/2021 18:00

Although I'm sure your MIL would love to see you all to get her to try to homeschool your kids for several weeks (!) while you and your partner work sounds like a punishment rather than a pleasure.

If your partner thinks he should spend some time with his mum he should take a few days off to do it. It won't matter if the kids miss a few days of homeschooling - or if the school offers a paper based work pack for kids not on the internet that perhaps they could sign up for that week. Tell the school you won't have the internet that week and the paper packs will be easy to dip in for a few minutes.

I think 4 days in someone else's home is usually more than enough.

You could choose to go and do some work tucked away while your husband and the family have fun, to stay at home and work or to take a couple of days off and join in.

Lochmorlich · 20/02/2021 18:01

Either the dc share a room for two weeks and mil comes to you
Or
You go to mil.

I honestly cannot see why it’s such a big deal for you.
The dc and mil would probably love it and routines are a luxury atm.
It’s only two weeks.
Where’s you sense of adventure?

Chailatteplease · 20/02/2021 18:05

I think you should go, but split the prep work between you. Can you get DH to help pack on the weekend and go on a Sunday evening/Monday? Also agree with the suggestion to let the kids have some time off homeschooling, it’s only a couple of weeks and would be nice for them and their gran to have some quality time. Maybe pack some books so they’re doing something educational.

Disagree with leaving it all to DH, she’s your family too and I bet all the posters suggesting he does it all, would be accusing him of being selfish if roles were reversed.

Chailatteplease · 20/02/2021 18:06

@Bainne

He wants to go, he sorts it all out -- probably best he takes annual leave and takes the kids to MIL's alone.

I bet you’re a lovely DIL

Chloemol · 20/02/2021 18:19

Send him to stay with his mother and you carry on at home

Ragwort · 20/02/2021 18:25

What's wrong with him taking annual leave and taking the DC to stay with his DM ... that's what I did when my DS was younger, I wouldn't dream of dragging my DH around ... he gets quality time with his DC and his mum and you get quality time alone. Win Win.

Original poster

ChangeNameTiredAF · 20/02/2021 21:15

Not going to work having her here. Dogs would have to come too. Not really feasible.

My children have a full day online, about 70 per cent live teaching. Maybe I’m being uptight but I don’t want them to miss it. Last lockdown the teaching was nearly non existent so they’ve missed a lot already (school possibly overcompensating now). But it’s not just that- the teaching is good, engaging, they enjoy it, love seeing their teachers and the routine seems to be helping them.

MIL is more than happy to help, she’s told me as much herself. Keen to do the homeschooling but nervous about the tech side of it.

I’m not trying to be a killjoy and it’s not that I don’t want to go, it’s just that like others have said, it could probably wait till the Easter holidays. I have suggested that but DH is like ‘why wait, we can go now?’

OP posts:

ScruffGin · 20/02/2021 21:19

Why can't he take a week off work? Then he can teach his mother the homeschooling over the first week, then she can do it the second week. Easy!

rawalpindithelabrador · 20/02/2021 21:26

'You're right. Why wait? You're free to take the kids to see her any time.'

rookiemere · 20/02/2021 21:27

Definitely don't go with your update. DCs are happy and settled, you're happy, you have some childcare. If DH won't go on his own is it feasible to go for a long weekend as a family? Then a proper visit at Esster.

Blinky22 · 20/02/2021 21:31

I don't see the issue personally. I would also love the change or scenery if I was in your shoes. It would take me about 15-30 mins to pack a few bags and be ready to go. But I don't mind doing things for my kids so they can have fun experiences and I don't really engage in "tit for tat" with my husband where I nitpick who does what. He makes 10x what I make so the least I can do is pack a few bags for trips if it comes to that. We actually like each other though and I like spending time with his family.

Needsmustnow · 20/02/2021 21:36

I'd let him take the kids by himself

This was my first thought too.

Needsmustnow · 20/02/2021 21:37

I don't see the issue personally.

To be fair, the OP has spelled it out quite clearly.

whattimeisitmrswolf · 20/02/2021 21:39

As PPs have suggested, go at Easter.

BrumBoo · 20/02/2021 21:40

@Blinky22

Ladies and Gentlemen, the award for Most Sanctimonious or Smug Post Of the Day goes to.......

junebirthdaygirl · 20/02/2021 21:45

Just go for a week and forget the homeschooling except a bit of reading. It will be fine.They can bake with granny..weight in Maths covered. Get your 7 year old to interview Granny about her childhood.
Find insects with her in the garden..go for a walk on a different paths.
You will probably enjoy a break in a different atmosphere and kids definitely will. Everyone is just mad to see a different environment.

Think of it as being about Granny who would appreciate the company and change.
If they are playing around her garden they don't need fancy clothes just a few tracksuits etc.
Just go! Everyone will be the better for it.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/02/2021 21:46

‘Sounds great DH. Crack on and let me know when it’s organised. I’ll have my suitcase ready.’

That would be my answer too.

He can take a week off, go down with the kids, get DGM up to speed with the routine. You can follow for the second week, he can work but covers tech support during your working hours.

If that plan isn't good enough for him, its not good enough for you.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/02/2021 21:48

But I don't mind doing things for my kids so they can have fun experiences and I don't really engage in "tit for tat" with my husband where I nitpick who does what

SnackSizeRaisin · 20/02/2021 21:50

Regardless of homeschooling, surely no one would expect mil to provide full time care of two primary age children that the mil presumably has hardly seen all year? Seems likely to be exhausting for her. I would give choice to wait till Easter, or for husband to take a week off.

Thislittlefinger123 · 20/02/2021 21:51

Why doesn't your DH take the DC by himself? If everything you do isn't that hard then surely he can do it instead? It's a win win surely?
Unless of course he fancies seeing his mum and a change of scene but only if you organise it all, which I suspect is the case. He sounds pretty selfish.

NicEv · 20/02/2021 22:07

Your MIL is part of your family. I can understand why your DH is worried and wants to go and stay to give her some company. I honestly don’t see the big deal - you have a good husband who you say usually pulls his weight , he is clearly worried about his mum. Try and meet him half way and if you really don’t want to go next week then work with him to arrange a shorter weekend visit and a visit during the Easter holiday. But don’t make it into something it isn’t - you have already said he is a good husband and father who pulls his weight, so it sounds like he is worried about his mum rather than just being a selfish bastard !

violetbunny · 20/02/2021 22:37

I'd be saying great idea, he can take himself and the kids to stay with MIL. Crack on.

Freddiefox · 20/02/2021 22:52

@C8H10N4O2

‘Sounds great DH. Crack on and let me know when it’s organised. I’ll have my suitcase ready.’

That would be my answer too.

He can take a week off, go down with the kids, get DGM up to speed with the routine. You can follow for the second week, he can work but covers tech support during your working hours.

If that plan isn't good enough for him, its not good enough for you.

What’s about if him taking a week of work eats into the family holidays or the visits to op’s mum and dad. Surely a relationship is a partnership, the op implies that theirs is fault balanced.

Freddiefox · 20/02/2021 22:52

Surely there is some sort of compromise to be had where you both do some of the wife work.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/02/2021 23:31

What’s about if him taking a week of work eats into the family holidays or the visits to op’s mum and dad. Surely a relationship is a partnership, the op implies that theirs is fault balanced

Well that is something he'll have to factor in instead of making grand gestures to his mother on the assumption that the OP will do all the work to make it happen and also cover her own (obviously unimportant) work.

Its always easy to be generous and considerate with other people's time and energy.

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